[eurydice]

Hello, my name is Lisbeth. I am new to these forums and I would like to introduce myself and ask a few questions.

I am almost 6 months pregnant and I am considering placing my child up for adoption. I am having so many mixed feelings about the entire process and I just need some advice.

The family I am considering is totally ok with an open adoption. They actually adopted a boy from another woman that I spook with and she told me great things about them.

I just worry because I hear all these stories about families disappearing down the line. I honestly think that I would kill myself if that happens to me. I *have* to be able to remain in my child's life.

They are ok with me calling to talk to her and also visiting when I want. I really want to and I hope that this lets her know that I do love her so much but that I want her to have the best life ever.

If I let them adopt her I can afford to put aside a college fund for her, I can afford to buy her everything, I can afford to give her a lot more than if I keep her. I don't even have a car (and I live in a city where you need one). I don't talk to the bfather. My family is not stable enough to help me take care of her. I am totally in debt and not finished with college.

I want to keep her so bad. I go out to places and see how horrible mothers treat their children and I *know* that I would never be that way. I know that I would be a good mother and that I would love her so much. I just know that we would have such a rough time. I wouldn't be able to afford anything and she would have to suffer because of it. I know what it's like, because even though my parents weren't horribly poor, they had a ton of money problems and we (the kids) went through so much because of it. I don't ever want to take out my financial problems on her like they did on us.

I am just really afraid and I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish if I keep her just because I love her. I don't think that parenting should be about love but about know that you can give them the best life and be the best parent. Am I wrong?

I just don't want her to feel unwanted or that she wasn't loved. I wonder if this adoption stays totally open if she will just feel like two moms love her.

Please help me! I need to hear different opinions about open adoption...

[care4kids]

I think you are a wonderful person for putting your child's needs before your own. My husband is adopting my daughter but her birth father is involved in her life. Her birth father has health problems and has not had stable employment. My daughter is ten and she thinks it is unfortunate her friends don't have two fathers or mothers to love them!

Our experience has been so wonderful that we have had her birth dad fly here and have had several holidays with him in our home. He has open phone access to her and visits as often as he can travel here.

God bless you for putting your child's needs first.

[Anna Bethke]

I completely understand what you are going through. I can give you an opinion from both sides as I am both an adoptee and a birthmother. I gave up my daughter 7 years ago in April...I quit having contact with her father when I was 2 weeks pregnant and it was then that I first considered adoption. I went through all the feelings that you are having, about wanting what was best for her and knowing that I couldn't provide the kind of home and life that she needed and deserved. I was sure about my decision until I first felt her move and kick, and then I lost my resolve to give her up. It's difficult knowing that there is a life that you created and that is a part of you growing inside, and then you think that maybe you could take care of that child after all, that there are ways to handle things financially and physically and emotionally.
But you have to be strong and think of what really is the best decision for your baby. And it's the hardest decision you will ever have to make. You have to choose between what you want and think you can provide for that child, and all that the family you chose can offer your baby. I had an open adoption with my child, and it is wonderful. They send me letters and pictures and from those I can see that what she has now is so much better than what she would have had with me then if I had kept her. They honestly love her, and provide much more than necessary to keep her happy and cared for. Just think, these people who adopt children want these babies so much - and really there are very few adoptive parents who aren't good to their children.
I wish there was just one sentence I could say that would answer all of your concerns and make you feel great about either way that you decide. But there isn't one. I do know that I can be here for you, and help you with anything that I can. Being pregnant is such and emotional thing, and when the chips seem to be down it can really cloud your judgement. The way I look at my situation is that my daughter wasn't really ever meant to be mine, I think that God placed her with me to teach me what he wanted me to know, and for me to give her to her adoptive parents. I think she was always meant to be for them. But I learned a lot along the way, and I know deep down that she's where she's meant to be.
If you have doubts about the parents you picked out, then maybe you should look for someone else. Talk with them, and ask them why they want to adopt your baby, and ask them how they plan to raise him or her. Have someone you trust go with you to talk to them, and see what that person thinks about them. But trust your gut instinct, and trust in the fact that if you do give your baby up, you will be okay, and it will be because you love that child with the deepest love. Let me know how you are.. I'm here. A. Bethke davidbethke@pvtnetworks.net

[MNelson]

I know that I would be a good mother and that I would love her so much. I just know that we would have such a rough time. I wouldn't be able to afford anything and she would have to suffer because of it. I know what it's like, because even though my parents weren't horribly poor, they had a ton of money problems and we (the kids) went through so much because of it.

I'm writing from the context of knowing so very little about your situation, but what strikes me is that it seems that you are saying that you are emotionally capable of raising your child, but you are insecure about the impact that your financial status might have on a child. That sounds like to me that you have a lot more soul-searching to do before deciding to place your child with adoptive parents.

It seems that you went through a lot as a child because of money problems, but you said yourself that your parents weren't horribly poor. It seems to me then that you might have some insight into how to shield your child better than your parents did.

I was raised by my biological parents and we had money problems, but they were really of my father's own making of living beyond our means. I have horrible memories of us having to search the house for the change from a $20 bill because that was all we had to buy groceries for the remaining ten days of the month, even though we lived in an upper middle class house! I swore I would never put my children through anything like that and I turned out financially responsible as a result, never living beyond my means.

My point is we are not destined to repeat our parents' mistakes. Please think about whether you are placing as a reaction to how you were treated as child, or whether you really feel that you are unable to parent in the way you see fit for your child.

As far as the fear of the pa-parents not remaining open -- continue to ask the birthmother of their adopted child detailed questions like "Did you ever call up with short notice and ask for a visit, if so how did they respond?" I'm not saying this is preferred behavior for a birthparent, I'm just saying you can find out just how far their current relationship may have been stressed. If it has been stressed and it is still successful, then it sounds like they might be pretty understanding folks and would be low risk for going back on their agreements with you.

I wish you the best of luck in your very difficult decision, and will hope to hear more of your journey on the forums.

[amyjane]

As I read your post, I could not help but think of our children's birth Mom. We adopted our two children just over a year ago. Both my husband and I love our kids and "our birthmom" very much. We have a very open relationship with the birth Mom and I would not have it anyother way. I want our kids to know all of their family. I have extended an open invitiation to our birth Mom's parents to visit the children, and have offered to bring the children to visit them.

I would advise you to ask as many questions as you feel you need. No question is too small. Talk about the future with you as a member of thier extended family. Will you live near the adoptive parents, and visit regularly? What are your needs as the birth Mom. Ask them how much contact they are comfortable with. Ask them what they imagine your relationship will be like 10 years from now? Trust your gut feelings, and make sure you feel comfortable before you make a decision.

Also, think about the children you may have in the future. You will want the siblings to know each other, right? Make sure you discuss that with the prospective adoptive parents. Choose people who you feel you can have a life long relationship with and people who feel confident and comfortable enough to adopt you as part of their family.

If you would like to chat with me, or our kid's birth Mom please email me.

Thank you for considering adoption for your baby. I have such a soft spot in my heart for moms who place their babies above all their desires--that is the way all Mom's should be. Who ever you choose to raise your children you will have a bond with them like no other. You will have an invisiable thread that ties your lives together for all time. Choose wisely and follow you heart.

[eurydice]

In response to all of these comments. Yes, yes, and yes!

I really do feel emotionally ready to keep my baby. Of course, I am not perfect and I still have a ways to go in regard to evolving as a person, but I do feel that I would never mistreat her and I would love her and teach her everything that I can.

I do agree with the comment about reacting to my childhood. It is the main reason why I always said I *never* wanted a child. I guess I've always been afraid that I might make the same mistakes as my mother and father. I've also set really high standards for how I think that a child should be raised. People tell me they are too high and unrealistic but I don't agree.

I know for a fact that this family could give her more than I can. They already have a college fund set up for both kids (even though they haven't adopted a second). They have their first son in music and spanish lessons (he is only three). What else? Their family owns a ranch with horses, cattle, and all sorts of other animals to play with. The mother is a stay at home mom so she has all the time in the world.

I am not as worried about what I want as I am about how she might be affected. I am Cuban, Ecuadorian, Spanish and her father is Chinese. The town that this family lives in is all caucasian and I am so worried that kids will make fun of her for being "different". I just don't want her to have to go through anything negative. I am afraid that she will hate me and I am also afraid that she will long for a different life (with her birthparents). I don't want her to feel unwanted.

I just wonder if there are any adult adoptees who could tell me their thoughts on open adoption. Do you still feel that sense of loss? The sense of feeling unwanted?

I want to be totally involved in her life. I will be there for her and see her and send her stuff all of the time. I will worry about her just like her adoptive family will. I will think about her every minute. I will also do *everything* that I can to better myself so I can set a good example for her (if she even knows that much about me).

I trust the family, they seem so nice, but you never know what can happen in the future. I need to ask questions like you all have suggested. I will be meeting with the family on Wednesday so I will make sure to ask away until I am sure that they are perfect.

Thanks so much for you help

[bella9137]

I want to start by saying that this is my first time to this site, and the first reply. I also want you to know that I can understand where you are, what you are going through, and the difficult road ahead of you no matter what you choose.
I placed my son three weeks ago. I am still new in the whole thing and can tell you it is an emotional roller coaster. I have good days and bad days. The one thing that gets me through the bad days is my confidence in the adoptive family. They adopted a little girl five years ago, and she is wonderful. The family is great and totally open to anything that I need or feel comfortable with. They are very open with their daughter that she is adopted, and I know they are going to do the same with my son. They brought his baby book to the hospital and it was an adopted baby book and they even let me write in it on the birthparents page.
Adoption is a very personal decision. It is one that is made for different reasons for every person. There is no checklist to make it easier. The only advice that I can give to you is to follow your heart on what is the best thing to do for your child. You have shown a great deal of bravery by considering it, and will now need to keep that up by doing the best thing for your child that you can do.
My only other suggestion is to keep a journal of how you are feeling everyday, from here on throughout your pregnancy. It will be a wonderful gift for your child no matter what your decision, but especially if you decide to place him/her. My sister-in-law placed her daughter 11 years ago, and her daughter has nothing but love and respect for her now because of the wonderful life that she has with her family. I hope that this helps a little. Feel free to contact me at anytime if I can be of any help.
Lots of luck, and you will be in my thoughts.
Bella

[Resseda]

While I realize you still have time to think and debate, reading your posts, I sense that your heart isn't toally into adoption. Don't continue dealing with the potential adoptive family until you know on your own what course of action you want to take. If finances are your problem, there are many, many programs available for single parents. You said you had to be involved in your child's life, which is fine, and having a family with another open adoption is a good start, but you need to face the fact that jobs change, life changes, and in 6 months or 6 years, you might be on opposite sides of the country, or even the world. You talk about buying things for your daughter, and I know this will come across as mean, but that won't be your place if you choose to place for adoption. A toy or something on a visit, but not "stuff", not a college fund (which is always going to be needed, at the rate college costs are going up!), none of that. When you place for adoption, regardless of how great the adoption works out, you are no longer the legal or emotional day-to-day mother. You will always be her birthmom, but that's where it ends.

I urge you to really really think about this before you continue. You can email or pm me anytime.

Ress

[Anna Bethke]

Now that is some level-headed thinking, and very very good points! Eury, I strongly encourage you to read and think about what Ress has to say! She's right about your place in your baby's life after you give her up - there isn't much of one. That's the whole point of adoption - someone else becomes that child's mother and father. And think of how confusing it would be for the child - that's why I stay away from my daughter's family - not only does it stress the parents out when the b-mother is around (and it does, whether they tell you it's okay or not) but that stress and worry is sensed by the kid. And how good is that for the emotional well-being of your child? Way to go, Ress!

[tobeafamily]

I would suggest you get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (Google it). Brenda's a birthmother in an open aodption and an adoption educator. She is not an adoption agency and does not help 'place' children at all.

She is probably one of the most unbiased professionals I've seen in the adoption community.

HTH, sorry to intrude.

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[maryjanek]

Eurydice --

You sound a lot like me a long time ago. I was in college when I got pregnant. I had never had a job that paid above minimum wage, I had no hope of support from my family, the birth father split, and I thought there was no way I could give my son all he deserved.

There was no such thing as open adoption then, or I might have chosen it. I think, though, that it would have been incredibly difficult for me. Even in a closed adoption, where I was told there was no way I could ever contact him again, I always thought of him as my son, not someone else's. But if you give a baby away, he or she does belong to someone else, someone else is her mother, not you, no matter how open the adoption is.

This will probably be the hardest decision you ever have to make. I know you can't really be sure what to do until after the baby is born, so please don't make any commitments before then. That's my only advice. And listen to your heart.

Mary Jane
Birth mother in reunion after 30 years

[sspete]

Lisbeth.....You are on a journey of making the hardest decision of your life!!! I have been where you are today, although it was 20 years ago, being a bmom is still very much a part of who I am. You have received some very good advice here from the others. I just wanted to say please go with what your head and heart tell you to do!!!! I was VERY sure that I must chose adoption for my baby. I was sixteen, unemployed, unmarried, and my parents were going through a divorce. I knew that I wanted more for my baby beyond a shadow of a doubt!!! You must be sure you want to place your child before choosing adoption. You must consider parenting and all the options you have before making the decision to place your baby. Adoption can be a good thing when it is in the best interest of the child. I always suggest writing a pros and cons list so that you can see All Of Your Options in writing. Sometimes it makes that choice seem so much clearer!!!

I truly wish you all the best......You will be in my thoughts and Prayers as you make your decision!!!!

Staci

[eurydice]

Ok, I *obviously* know that when a child is adopted the adoptive parents become that child's parents. They are the people that she will call mom and dad. They are the people that are going to raise her. The family that I am talking to *specifically* wants a birthmom that wants to stay involved in the childs life because the first adopted boy has that. It makes sense that they don't want one child to have something that the other won't.

If we end up on opposite sides of the country or world I will *still* be in my child's life. If it becomes letters and pictures or birthday presents and college funds and nothing more that is fine. Who says that there is a rule that I can't give my daughter what I want to give her?

My mind is set on adoption, but my heart is going back and forth between yes and no. That makes perfect sense doesn't it? I would think that a person who has their heart set on adoption probably has some issues with being cold. How could your heart be set on giving your child up?

If the child was to become confused I would have to stay away. That doesn't mean that I can't send gifts or money to the family to give to her.

I don't want her to feel unwanted. I heard a story once about an adopted little girl who asked her friend how many moms she had. When her friend replied that she had only one the adopted girl walked over and told her she was sorry and hugged her because she felt bad for her.

I am her birthmom and I am her biological mother and I am the mother who brought her into this world. Without me she wouldn't be here. That means just as much as the mother and father who are going to raise her and take care of her. We both have a right to be emotionally involved.

I call and talk to the boy who is already living with them. He already knows my name and he tells me that he loves me when we get off of the phone. This family has framed pictures of his birthmother and birthfather in his room. They look at them as part of the family.

I am venting my feelings because no matter what I am going to go back and forth between them. My counselor tells me that this is perectly normal. I just want opinions about what others have experienced. I don't want people to tell me how I have to conduct my adoption experience! Every situation is different, right?

[sspete]

While giving your baby up for adoption is not going to be an easy decision, and yes, going back and forth for awhile is perfectly okay.....In the end you must be sure in your heart that you are doing what is right for you and your baby. It will save you from a lot of regret later. Wanting to chose adoption and knowing in your heart you are doing it out of love for your baby is not cold.

It sounds as if your daughter will know you love her. If the aparents raise her to know this then she will understand. I don't believe anyone is trying to tell you what to do. They just want to make sure you have explored every option for YOUR sake, and for your baby. I know you will make the right decision. You seem to be a Great mom!!!!

Staci

[eurydice]

I don't know, I guess I am being too literal. I know in my mind what is best for my child... I know it in my heart to. I just don't think that I can say that my heart is totally set on adoption. It is such a painful loss... how can my *heart* be set on that? I do want her to have the best life, I want what is best for her so yes, my mind is set on it. I will always have regret, pain, and all sorts of other feelings no matter what. Honestly, every female that I talk to that has an abortion regrets it, every female who kept a baby they couldn't raise regrets it, and every person who puts their baby up for adoption regrets it. At the same time they feel that they made the right choice. It's just something that you can't be literally "set on"... I just don't think that emotions work that way.

The telling me what to do thing came from somebody saying that "it won't be my place" to do this or that. I would understand saying, "I don't think that this is appropriate" or "in my opinion that is not something that you should do" but not that it isn't my place. Of course it is! This child comes from me no matter who raises her so I think that I should be able to give her what I can even if I am not the one that she calls mom.

I wonder about one thing, what programs are available to single mothers? I'm just curious because I don't know about anything aside from WIC or CalWorks.