[Resseda]

The place of a birthmom after placement is, at it's most basic, to be available to the adoptive parents for questions, research (medical history and the like) and explanations to the child when or if appropriate. if you wind up doing mroe than that, fine, but it will not be your place (or job, or responsibility, or right...whatever word you want to use) to give her "what you can". I'm sorry, but that is the job/right/place/responsibility of the adoptive parents. I'm afraid that if you go into the adoption thinking you have the right to do for her as you would if you had kept her, you will be very sorely disappointed, regardless of how open your adoption is. Parents of multiple children generally try to keep things sort of even, they might not be so willing for you to build up a college fund for her if they're not going to have the other bmom do the same. They might not be so happy when lots of presents show up for the holdiay from you and fewer from the other bmom.

I am in NY, I'm afraid I don't have California specific single parent assistance suggestions. I know that my sister had my niece at 16, and she received something akin to WIC, she receievd parenting classes through the maternity home she was in, when she came back to live with my mother, she got all sorts of education subsidies that got her through college, right down to mileage to get back and forth to classes, stipends for books, the whole bit. She's gotten breaks on rent for being a single mother (depends on the apartment complex) and qualified for many different assistance programs.

While I'm glad to hear that the family you are looking at expects a very open adoption, I think you need to think of it this way: when you place that child for adoption, you run the chance of never seeing a picture, never seeing a smile, never getting a picture or letter, and never, ever seeing that child again. There is no way to tell what will happen in the future, so as good as it looks now, it may not look the same in a couple years. I don't think it's an issue of confusing the child at all, but rather, situations and lives change, and no one knows what will happen. If you do get to partake in the adoption, wonderful, and I'm happy for you. Just don't go into it counting on it always being as open as it is. If that's what you feel you need, something more along the lines of foster care (messy net that it can be) might be more appropriate, or getting help from someone in your family.

Ress

[bromanchik]

First let me introduce myself. My name is Brenda Romanchik and I am a birthmother in a fully open adoption since my son's birth over 19 years ago. (yes, we were one of the first.) I am parenting a daughter, 11 years, and a son, 8 years. I also write and speak on open adoption issues.

Originally posted by eurydice

I do agree with the comment about reacting to my childhood. It is the main reason why I always said I *never* wanted a child. I guess I've always been afraid that I might make the same mistakes as my mother and father. I've also set really high standards for how I think that a child should be raised. People tell me they are too high and unrealistic but I don't agree.

How will you feel when the adoptive family does not live up to your expectations? It will happen. I work with hundreds of birthparents in open adoptions and there have been situations in every single one of them. The bottom line is that you are in no position to even comment about what you disagree with. You have the role role of an in-law, and good in-laws do not interfere unless the child is endangered in some way. What if you see them making some of the same mistakes your parents made? Even in a good marriage people do not always agree with how a child should be raised. The difference between a good marriage and a good open adoption is that in a good open adoption a birthparent knows that they have no say on how their child is raised. Will you be able to keep silent and let them parent, even when you disagree with them?

Originally posted by eurydice
I know for a fact that this family could give her more than I can. They already have a college fund set up for both kids (even though they haven't adopted a second). They have their first son in music and spanish lessons (he is only three). What else? Their family owns a ranch with horses, cattle, and all sorts of other animals to play with. The mother is a stay at home mom so she has all the time in the world.

Open adoption, in the best situations, is about birthfamily and adoptive family becoming extended family to one another. How are they going to feel about your college fund for your child, especially if the other birthmother is not doing the same? Can you embrace this little boy as well? How do you see your role in his life? How do you see your role in the life of the adoptive parents? All of these relationships are important to nurture for the same reason it is important for the adoptive family to nurture a relationship with the birthfamily. Because all these relationships are important to the child. [/b][/quote]

Originally posted by eurydice
I am not as worried about what I want as I am about how she might be affected. I am Cuban, Ecuadorian, Spanish and her father is Chinese. The town that this family lives in is all caucasian and I am so worried that kids will make fun of her for being "different". I just don't want her to have to go through anything negative. I am afraid that she will hate me and I am also afraid that she will long for a different life (with her birthparents). I don't want her to feel unwanted.

I cannot say how she will feel, but even open adoption involves loss for everyone. I have talked to many adopted children who feel it to some extent. The bottom line in well adjusted kids is are these losses dealt with in a healthy way. They acknowledged and discussed. Also, the sense of loss is different than feeling unwanted. Most birthparents I know in open adoptions, myself included, have communicated how much they "wanted" their children. It is possible for a child to feel wanted and welcome, but still feel loss.

As for the transracial issue, I have seen this to be a major issue for kids in their teens. The sad fact is that many people can accept a person of another race as long as they are not dating their son or daughter. Have you talked to the prospective adoptive parents about how they are going to intigrate your child's culture into their family?

Originally posted by eurydice
I want to be totally involved in her life. I will be there for her and see her and send her stuff all of the time. I will worry about her just like her adoptive family will. I will think about her every minute.

This sounds like the role of a parent. I would be lying if I said the involvement I have with my son is the same as the children I parent. I have two very different roles in their lives. I do not worry about my eldest son's day to day needs. I am not totally involved in his life. It is not my place to be. It is what I lost when I gave him other parents. That is not to say that I do not love them all deeply, but it is different.

Originally posted by eurydice
I trust the family, they seem so nice, but you never know what can happen in the future. I need to ask questions like you all have suggested. I will be meeting with the family on Wednesday so I will make sure to ask away until I am sure that they are perfect.

I think it is very important to ask yourself if you can live with uncertainty. You cannot prepare for every situation and it is really important that if you do place him you can let go of your role as a parent. This is the loss of birthparents in open adoptions and it is a big one. The bottom line question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to let go and place this child in the arms, heart and mind of another. No one will be perfect. The question is can you live with their imperfections, good qualities are easy to live with.

Feel free to contact me privately if you think I can help.

[maryjanek]

eurydice --

No one has responded yet to your concern about your baby's ethnicity and the community where the prospective aparents live. Have you browsed adoptee's posts on this site for information on how adoptees in similar situations feel about it?

The two people I know -- a niece and the brother of a co-worker, one Bolivian and the other Korean -- who were adopted by white American families did have problems, especially in adolescence. Both eventually felt they had to leave their parents' sphere to find communities they felt at home in. Their situations were more extreme than your baby's would be, of course. Neither was adopted in infancy and their birth families were worlds away.

It is clear from your posts that you are thinking like a parent already. Do you trust someone else to raise your baby more than you trust yourself? Because your rights will be terminated when you sign the adoption papers. Open adoptions have no status legally, as I'm sure you know. You'll be doing what I did, which was hand my son to fate. There are no "perfect" families, and no guarantee that any family will love your child as much as you do -- unconditionally.

I don't know that everyone regrets the decision they made when they found themselves in your situation, but for sure everyone second guesses it. There aren't too many other choices we have in life that make such a big difference for the future.

My heart goes out to you, really.

Mary Jane

P.S. Brenda just did address the racial issue, while I was writing my post.

[eurydice]

The place of the birthmom is different in every case. It seems that you want to state what *you* think is the way that it goes for everybody. Why? Is it because it happened to you? Did the family that you placed your child with go back on what they said they would? You cannot tell me what "my place" will be. If I feel that sending her gifts and visiting her once in a while is what she needs I will do it. I don't know why you insist on pointing out the obvious. Yes, the adoptive parents are going to be in charge of pretty much everything. They are going to be responsible for her day to day care, for raising her, and for being her "parents". That doesn't mean that I cannot do things for her. I am not dense enough to think that I have the right to do for her as if I keep her.

The other birthmom does send him presents and she also calls him to talk to him all of the time. I talk to her and will have constant contact with her to make sure that we do all of the same things for both children. This way there will never be any feelings of "you got this and I didn't". If the present thing is a problem I will figure it out with the other birthmom. If I have to buy her son presents to match the amount that my daughter gets I will. I would never do anything to make either child feel left out.


I know that there is a chance of never seeing a picture, never seeing a smile, etc. I also know that if I can make a decision that lessons the chance of all of that I will. This family lives in a place that they have lived their entire life, where their entire family lives, and where their careers are centered. If it ends up with them leaving I guess I will have to deal with that when the time comes. I still think that right now it would be best to find a family that seems like they won't do such a thing.

In response to some other concerns, I found out that the town that they live in has a high Hispanic and Asian population. I hope that helps her in regard to relating to people of her culture. Thi family is also going to place her in spanish lessons like they have their other adopted son.

I certainly trust they way that this family wants to raise this child. I've asked so many questions about how they are raising the baby that they already have. I am a good judge of character and I can tell that they will be wonderful parents. I have completel trust in their ability. I am *never* going to try to tell them how to raise their children! If they ever have a problem and ask for my help I will but aside from that it isn't my place to so such a thing. In this case I an say that.

The family wants me to be like a part of their family. They've invited me into their home and invited me to meet the entire family. They want to be close to me and they want me to be involved. I will embrace their little boy like he is a family member of mine too. I will always talk to him when he wants to (he always want to get on the phone to say hello when I call). I have no problems remaining in all of their lives the way that they want me to. I will never move away or disappear even if that means giving up a great oppurtunity in regard to my professional or musical career. The way I look at it, if I promise to do something for a child I will never break my promise. If I have to stick to something for her sake I will. If I visit on certain days I will always do so. I would never do it for a a bit and than leave and risk hurting her or making her feel unwanted.

Yes, I can deal with their imperfections, because I know there is nobody who is perfect. I just think that they will do the best that they can do.

When I say I want to be involved I mean as much as I can be. That doesn't mean that I will try to parent my child, it just means that I want to do whatever it is that I can do for her. I have to talk to the adoptive family about what is ok and what isn't. So far, it seems that we agree about everything.

[bromanchik]

I am glad that you have a good understanding with the prospective adoptive parents. In my experience, both personal and professional, it is most important to see this as a relationship. For birthparents in open adoptions finding our place is an ongoing process that involves a lot of ups and downs.

[AmyRae613]

Eury,
i can totally relate to your situation...as i was there just last year. i placed my daughter into an open adoption 6 weeks ago. i thought i would share with you my adoption story expierence. you have my permission to print it out, if you would like. **that goes to anyone reading this post** i would love to talk to you more on this.

My Adoption Story

I was 22 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. It was the month of May 2003. I had been a friend with a guy named Scott. I had met him on the internet a year earlier. We had met a couple times after the first meeting. On the night of May 9, 2003 I went to his house for the night. We were lying in bed and he asked me if I was still on the birth control pill. I told him no because I had run out of them and had not gotten any yet. At that moment I knew that I was pregnant. That next morning, Scott told me to go get the “morning-after pill”. Well, since I didn’t have health insurance, I could not get a prescription for it.

A few weeks past and still no period. I finally took a pregnancy test the Tuesday after Memorial Day at work and sure enough it came back positive. I didn’t have to wait the whole three minutes, because the pink line was very bold! That night I went home and told my mom. I was extremely nervous in telling her, but I had to, before she found out from someone else. So when she got home from work, I told her that I had something to tell her. She ask me if it was good or bad. I told her that I guess it depended on how she looked at it. I stumbled to find the right words, so I just finally came out and said it. She was very quiet and said, “Well, ok”. When my dad got home, my mom told him. It was a very uncomfortable evening, to say the least. I felt like this was just one more thing to add to my plate of wrong doings. I was mad at myself for ending up this way.

The next day I went to the Canby Crisis Pregnancy Center to confirm that I was pregnant. They asked me if I was going to parent the baby or place the baby into an adoption. I told them that I was going to keep the baby. When I got home that night and told my parents that yes I was definitely pregnant, they asked me what I was going to do. My answer was to either keep the baby or place the baby into an adoption. However, I was adamant that I was going to keep the baby.

That night I talked to Scott and told him that I was pregnant. He was furious, to say the least. He could not understand why I didn’t go and take the “morning-after” pill like we had talked about. He told me that since I didn’t take the pill, then I had to get an abortion. I told him that there was no way I would get an abortion! That was totally against what I believed in. I told him that I was going to keep the baby. He asked me why I would want to keep this baby. He told me that I was stupid for keeping it and that getting an abortion would be a quick fix. He said that I needed to go back to school and get a degree and a baby was just going to be too hard to do all of that.

That next week I went to my regular counselor. She asked what I thought about being pregnant, as what I thought about being a mom. She also asked me how I felt about adoption. I told her that 1) I didn’t know too much about it, and 2) what I did know about adoption, I didn’t really like. For homework, she has me write out a PROS and CONS list for both ideas.

As I did what she had asked, I began to see how much more adoption was. I then decided that adoption was probably my best choice. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about this baby, and what is the best for this baby. I called around to about five different adoption agencies. I found that I liked an agency called Open Adoption and Family Services. Scott was actually the one who found this agency on the web .

When I called them to set up an appointment, they were so nice. They were concern about me AND the baby. That is one aspect of their agency that I really liked. I had my first appointment with Sari (pronounced Shari) on July 23rd. I was pretty nervous at the first meeting, since I didn’t know what to expect. Sari was so nice, and she was pregnant herself. We talked about why I had chosen adoption over parenting. She also did a “getting-to-know-you” interview, too. She sent me home to do a little bit of homework. She wanted me to look at all of my options for parenting and placing for an adoption, and then make a new PROS and CONS list for both options. I started to go see her once a month.

On September 18th, I had an ultra-sound and was told that I was going to have a little girl. Sadly, Sari told me that she was going to be leaving for her maternity leave in the end of October, so I would be meeting with a new counselor. Her name was Amy D. I found Amy to be very nice and that I could connect with her a lot more than Sari.

In October, I started looking at adoptive families. Amy told me to look them over and choose five different families. I had many regulations that the couples must have. I was looking for a family that was: heterosexual, young, went to church, lived in Oregon or Washington, had good family values, had either no kids or one other kid, and many more things. I looked at a lot of people. I found five couples that I wanted to look a little bit deeper at. At the next appointment I got a full detailed packet on each of these five families. From those five I had to narrow it down to once family.

The finally narrowed it down to a couple named Darrin and NaeDean. Their full detailed profile just seemed so down to earth. I felt like I could really get along with them. They had everything that I was looking for. They didn’t have any kids yet, they went to church, liked to go camping, very close to their families, and they lived in Oregon. I called Amy to let her know that I wanted to meet them.

A couple weeks before I met them, I had a counseling session with Amy, with Scott in attendance. This was the first time I had seen him since the night that I got pregnant. He agreed to meet with Darrin and NaeDean, too.

On the morning of December 3rd, my mom and I went to the adoption agency. This was the day that we would meet Darrin and NaeDean for the first time. I was so nervous and sick to my stomach. I told my mom that I didn’t know if I could go through with this. She just told me that it was just my nerves and that I would be just fine. The moment I walked into the mediation room at the adoption agency, all of my nerves went away. I knew that Darrin and NaeDean were the people to take my baby.

The first mediation went very well. We shared pictures of our families and told each other about our hobbies and aspirations. I was so calm and myself. I was actually a little giddy. Amy asked all of us why we had chosen an open adoption. When it came around to Scott’s turn, I was so scared in what he was going to say, since he really wanted me to get an abortion. He said, “Well, because I knew Amy would like this better than a closed adoption.”

After the meeting, Darrin, NaeDean, Scott, my mom, and I all went to lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant. The lunch was a little weird but we all got though it. We were all just nervous and didn’t really know what to say. Before we all got into our cars, NaeDean asked me if I still wanted to go through all of this. I said, “Of course!” I was so happy that she was feeling the same way I was. I felt like I had known her and Darrin for a lot longer than just a couple of hours. While we were at lunch, we exchanged addresses and phone numbers.

The next morning, I called Amy to let her know how I was feeling and told her that I wanted to take the next step in the process. Amy told me that NaeDean had actually called on her way home from lunch, which made me feel really good. Amy told me that we would set up the second mediation for sometime in early January. In December my parents and I had went down to visit Darrin and NaeDean at their house. They also came up to Canby to meet the rest of my family for dinner one night in January.

January 15th was the second mediation. This meeting was when we talked about the Open Adoption Agreement. We agreed on a minimum of four visitations a year for the first five years and then two times a year until the age of eighteen. Then we agreed sending pictures and letters at least four times a year until the age of eighteen. Next we talked about names. At that point, NaeDean and I had three names picked out. We had: Katelynn Rae, Karlee Rae, and Hailey Rae. I asked if we could use either my first name or middle name as part of the baby’s name.

A couple weeks before I went into labor, NaeDean and I spent a Sunday afternoon together. We went to lunch and then saw a movie. We began exchanging email and phone calls on a regular basis. NaeDean and Darrin were easily becoming new members of my family.

On January 30th (four days before my due date), I started to go into labor. My mom took me up to the hospital and I was admitted at midnight. After being in labor for seventeen hours, a five-pound four-ounce baby girl was born at 12:49pm. I looked at NaeDean and asked her what the baby’s name was. She hesitated and then said, “How about Kaylee Rae?” And it fit perfectly.

I stayed in the hospital for the next two days, since I could not sign the adoption papers for forty-eight hours after Kaylee was born. I kept Kaylee in my room most of the time. I let Darrin and NaeDean come and go as they pleased. NaeDean was in my room for the entire labor and then most of the day on Saturday. It was nice to spend sometime with Kaylee and NaeDean. She told me that if I wanted to be alone with Kaylee, to just tell her. But I wanted her to be there.

Mainly just my family came and saw me on Saturday, and my sister stayed with me on Saturday night. I kept Kaylee in my room with me most of the night. I sent her to the nursery for just a couple of hours, so that I could get some sleep. On Sunday, my parents and Darrin and NaeDean came back to the hospital. Sunday was also Super Bowl Sunday so I wasn’t expecting visitors until late afternoon. NaeDean had brought up a huge care basket for me. It had lotions, bath gels, slippers, a journal, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

My adoption counselor, Amy, came and saw me, too. She wanted to see how I was feeling. She was glad to hear that everything went well. She told me that she would be back the next day around 11am or so to sign the papers and stuff. My bible study girls and church group all came to see Kaylee and me after church. It seemed like there was a never-ending line of people on Sunday. My mom stayed the night with me.

Monday morning, February 2nd, I woke up crying and feeling very emotional. Mom and I took a whole bunch of pictures of Kaylee and I before everyone else got there. Amy finally got there and asked me how I was doing. My mom told her that it had been a pretty emotional morning. Amy completely understood. She told me that once I felt ready to sign the papers to let her know. So around 11:30 am or so, I finally told Amy that I was ready. Darrin and NaeDean left the room. In the room it was Amy, my mom, my dad, Kaylee, and I. Amy started to read the document out loud and I was trying to be brave and not cry. But I could not fight back the tears. Once they started to roll, they came like a river. I could not really hear what Amy was saying, but I knew what the documents had said, since we had went over them at a previous counseling session.

When Amy was done reading the first document, she asked me if I understood. I said, “Yes.” And then I signed and dated the document. She then did it a second time with the other piece of paper. What was the hardest part was watching Amy stamp each document and notarize them. After we got done with that, Amy gave my family some time alone in the room. All three of us just sat and cried. My dad said a prayer for Kaylee after awhile.

We finally got the composure to let other people come back in the room. Darrin and NaeDean came in first. NaeDean was crying just as much as me. Darrin came over to my bed and gave me a gift box. I opened the box and there was another smaller box inside. I opened that box and there was a gold heart locket. On the inside of the locket there was a picture of Kaylee, and then a picture of Kaylee and me. On the back of the locket, they had engraved “Lil’ Miss”, the nickname I had given Kaylee when I was pregnant, since we hadn’t picked out a name yet.

Then Amy came back in and Scott and his mother came in. Amy said that this was a time for all of us to sit and reflect on what had happened in the past nine months. We were all pretty quiet. Then Scott finally spoke. He thanked me and my parents for choosing such a great couple and said that Kaylee is pretty great. He got pretty choked up. It was nice to see that he was feeling the same way I was.

After Amy had everything taken care of with the hospital, we all got ready to go. Amy had to walk out with Kaylee, since I had signed the adoption papers releasing her from my care. When we got outside, we put Kaylee in her car seat and Darrin and NaeDean left. Before they left, both of them gave me a hug. NaeDean told me that she would call me to say that they got home safely. We planned on me going down to see Kaylee that next Saturday.

That first couple of days at home were the hardest. I cried myself to sleep, because my cat’s meow sounded like Kaylee’s cry. I slept with a little teddy bear that was about the same weight as Kaylee.

The next Saturday, my mom and I went down and saw Kaylee. It was so good to be able to see her within a week of her going home with Darrin and NaeDean. I feel like it helped me accept my decision a little easier.

Also during that first week of being home, I went in for my first grief counseling with Amy at the adoption agency. At that session, Amy and I sat and reflected about what had happened the past weekend. I told her that it felt like a very surreal experience. You go to the hospital being pregnant and do all the work, but do not end up going home with no prize.

A couple weeks later, someone asked me how I felt on the day that I signed the adoption papers. I told them that it was a very hard thing to explain. Awhile later, I was talking to another friend who had been through the same thing as me and she explained it like this. She said, “It’s like having someone stick a knife in your heart, slowly turning the knife, while patting you on the back telling you that you are doing the right thing.” I could not believe it! She nailed it on the head on the emotions that I had been feeling! It was just amazing!

Still to this day, I do not regret my decisions at all. Yes…sometimes I wish that I could have Kaylee here at my house with me, but I know that she was meant for Darrin and NaeDean. I gave Kaylee a better life and completed Darrin and NaeDean as a family. I also feel like family to Darrin and NaeDean. Kaylee will grow up knowing her parents and her birth family, too. What more could she ask for?

[eurydice]

Thanks so much for this!

I've really come to the conclusion that adoption is the best thing for my little girl. I know it is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do but I don't care what I feel as long as she has a good life.

I met with the family that is adopting her and I really like them. I can't believe how great they are. The cutest part about them is how much they love their other adopted son. I really feel that she will have such a wonderful family.

The thing about them that comforts me the most is the fact that they really want me to be comfortable. It's like they are leaving everything up to me. I am thinking that I will want to see her within a month of her being born, about six months later, and possibly a couple other times before she turns a year old. I'm sure the visits will lesson as time passes and if it ever seems that visits are a problem (for her) I will have to stop them. The cool thing about this family is that they send pics all the time! I know this because I talked to the other birthmom of their son. She told me that they don't only send pics on birthdays and holidays such as Christmas or Thanksgiving; they send pictures for Easter, Valentines Day, Halloween, and they even send her Mother's Day cards! That made me feel soooooooo much better! I really like them and I totally feel that I can be close to them and trust them.

Anyway, I would totally love to keep in touch with you. Maybe we can email or something? Let me know!

[anna'sbirthmom]

I was in a very similar position and I can remember very clearly asking the same questions.

If they have adopted before and they keep contact with that b-mother you stand a good chance they will keep to there word.

Do what is right for you! Make sure that you will be able to go on with your life. It is hard to understand how important that is. You will no longer be the Mommy but this very special person who comes to see this child and the special person who sends gifts.

All the reasons you want to place are good reasons. Explore parenting and see if that is truly something you want to do. I did and I still chose to place for adoption. My b-daughter is now 6 almost 7 years old and she is an awesome well adjusted child.

Be sure this is what you want to do I hate seeing b-mothers that say they never got over it. I did and have a wonderful life now and my b-daughter has a wonderful life.

[Aneni]

Dear Eurydice,

You've said some really profound things in your posts that get to the nut of perceptions about adoption.

You said: "I would think that a person who has their heart set on adoption probably has some issues with being cold. How could your heart be set on giving your child up?"

IF what you are really asking is this: "Does placing my child for adoption mean that I might not really love my child - that if I loved her enough, I would find a way to parent her"? then I can assure you that one can love a child greatly and still place her for adoption. And if you should decide to parent, the fact that you considered adoption does not mean you loved her any less than you “should.” It meant you gave serious thought to what was best for your and your child's future.

You also said: "I will always have regret, pain, and all sorts of other feelings no matter what. Honestly, every female that I talk to that has an abortion regrets it, every female who kept a baby they couldn't raise regrets it, and every person who puts their baby up for adoption regrets it. At the same time they feel that they made the right choice."

Wow - you hit the nail on the head with this! People forget that it doesn't matter which choice an expectant woman with an untimely pregnancy selects - there is pain and regret with each. Between you and your counselor, you've got a lot of wisdom.

Finally, you said: " I wonder about one thing, what programs are available to single mothers? I'm just curious because I don't know about anything aside from WIC or CalWorks."

1. Crisis pregnancy centers will help to some extent with maternity and baby clothes, diapers, layettes, and emotional support on an individual and/or group basis.
2. Your local Salvation Army (or similar entity) may help with groceries, utility bills or rent on a very limited basis.
3. For parenting support, there's Parents as Teachers (www.patnc.org). This is a free program for *all* parents of children under age five. Not just "at-risk" parents or low income parents - *all* parents.
4. Your daughter will be entitled to child support and health insurance from her father once you've jumped through the legal/administrative hoops. The state has a program to help you with this.

Warmly,

[XoXoKiyaXoXo]

i just had a baby 2 days ago and i chose open adoption. i am only 15, im not with the birth father, and there is almost no money for my family now. i know i could have raised her, but i think that if i were her and found out that i could have had a great life with lots of money and a great mom AND a great dad, i think i would be a little upset that my mom chose to be selfish. im not going to lie, its going to be the hardest thing that you have probaly ever done. just think of the life that the baby could have compaired to the life that you would be able to give it. thats wut is helping me.
i am sure that you would be able to give her a greart life! but you still have a life to live and stuff too, and the baby will make someone else so much happier. everything will turn out just fine.

[thamket2149]

Just my own thoughts......

I agree too that if your heart is not totally into adoption that you should stop dealing with the aparents till you are certain.

If you do go through with an open adoption and as you have said you have high standards for how a child should be raised, how would you handle a situation between the child and aparents that may not be up to your standards.

I was raised in a family that didn't have a lot of money. I have to say personally, I could have cared less. I was more than content to cuddle and play with my mom, and have long talks and walks than any materialistic object could bring me.

As for college, if you were to sock away $50 a month for the next 18 years not including any interest you would make off of it you would have $10,800 saved for beginning tuition. Plus there are plenty of programs and investment type college saving programs for you to utilize.

And lastly, my story. I was 17 when I got pregnant. Met the man of my dreams and was together for 5 years before I had my son. The day he was born the bfather would not hold him. It was a spiral down hill from there and he soon after disappeared. I was 18 on my own and raising my son, very scary. But I too like you had expectations of my self and how I wanted my son to grow up. I got a job that payed $1 and hour into a college fund for me. And rented a studio apartment. I had a close friend that was willing to watch my son when he was sick and the rest of the time I received ERDC Employment related Day Care from the state of Oregon. I didn't have a lot of money, but I had a lot of love and I cuddle up on the hideabed every night and fell asleep with him. I started my first math class with the $368 I earned working and then put my self the rest of the way through college with financial aid and school loans. They paid me about 3-4 thousand a term, approx $1000- $1500 a month after tuition was paid to live on. I am now 27, my son is 9, I am married to the most wonderful man ever. Buying my own home, and earning between 3 & 4 thousand a month after 2 years college. I am self employeed and in the health care business. I also have a 2 year old son and a 13 year old step son that just came to live with us 2 months ago. My kids do not want for anything reasonable!! They are in sports , doing excellent in school, and completely loved from the bottom of my heart everyday. God truely gave me the 3 greatest boys in the world.

So the moral of my story is, if you work hard you can reach the stars. So just because you may struggle the first couple years, doesn't mean that it is the way it will be for eternity. Have faith in your abilities and know that God loves you and your baby.

Reach for the stars and you may have the stars!!

Wish you eternal happiness and strength.

With love,
Tamara

[thamket2149]

Just my own thoughts......

I agree too that if your heart is not totally into adoption that you should stop dealing with the aparents till you are certain.

If you do go through with an open adoption and as you have said you have high standards for how a child should be raised, how would you handle a situation between the child and aparents that may not be up to your standards.

I was raised in a family that didn't have a lot of money. I have to say personally, I could have cared less. I was more than content to cuddle and play with my mom, and have long talks and walks than any materialistic object could bring me.

As for college, if you were to sock away $50 a month for the next 18 years not including any interest you would make off of it you would have $10,800 saved for beginning tuition. Plus there are plenty of programs and investment type college saving programs for you to utilize.

And lastly, my story. I was 17 when I got pregnant. Met the man of my dreams and was together for 5 years before I had my son. The day he was born the bfather would not hold him. It was a spiral down hill from there and he soon after disappeared. I was 18 on my own and raising my son, very scary. But I too like you had expectations of my self and how I wanted my son to grow up. I got a job that payed $1 and hour into a college fund for me. And rented a studio apartment. I had a close friend that was willing to watch my son when he was sick and the rest of the time I received ERDC Employment related Day Care from the state of Oregon. I didn't have a lot of money, but I had a lot of love and I cuddle up on the hideabed every night and fell asleep with him. I started my first math class with the $368 I earned working and then put my self the rest of the way through college with financial aid and school loans. They paid me about 3-4 thousand a term, approx $1000- $1500 a month after tuition was paid to live on. I am now 27, my son is 9, I am married to the most wonderful man ever. Buying my own home, and earning between 3 & 4 thousand a month after 2 years college. I am self employeed and in the health care business. I also have a 2 year old son and a 13 year old step son that just came to live with us 2 months ago. My kids do not want for anything reasonable!! They are in sports , doing excellent in school, and completely loved from the bottom of my heart everyday. God truely gave me the 3 greatest boys in the world.

So the moral of my story is, if you work hard you can reach the stars. So just because you may struggle the first couple years, doesn't mean that it is the way it will be for eternity. Have faith in your abilities and know that God loves you and your baby.

Reach for the stars and you may have the stars!!

Wish you eternal happiness and strength.

With love,
Tamara

[FostermomCathie]

Mary Jane,
I am interested in writing to you because you sound like you were in the position I was in. In 1984 I placed a baby boy up for adoption, they mentioned the term "open" to me and I was interested but never persued it. At 14 I didnt know what I should be doing just that I was feeling adoption was the right thing. He will be 21 in another couple months and I think of him often as I have through the years. Did you look for your birthchild and how did that work out for you?
Cathie

[maryjanek]

Yes, I did search and find my bson, and it's turned out very well. Although I signed on to the ISRR when he was 23 I didn't do an active search until he was 29. Then I found him in just 2 months.

It's hard to make generalizations about reunions (or anything else!). Mine ran the gamut of emotions from high to low, even though objectively you would have to say it was almost an ideal situation. My son was happy in his adoptive family. Whatever adolescent issues he had with being adopted were worked out by the time we met. In fact, he had a family of his own already. Despite never considering a search for his birth parents, he was happy and excited when I made contact through an intermediary at the adoption agency.

The first time he called, he kept asking questions no one had been able to answer for him, and I kept answering them. Finally he said jokingly, "It's like talking to God." Meanwhile, I felt like I had died and gone to heaven -- the only way I ever thought I'd see him again. His adoption took place back in 1969, when permanently closed adoptions were the only way it was done.

There were times when he had to step back from me and the emotions of the reunion, and each time it felt devastating. Yet he really never said or did anything to indicate he didn't want me in his life. Quite the contrary. Both he and his wife have welcomed me and my husband and daughter as family, and new grandparents/aunt to their children. His amother has been very welcoming, too. His afather unfortunately had passed away just a few years before we met.

Today we email regularly, talk on the phone, and visit several times a year (we're separated by 500 miles).

You can email through this site if you want to ask me about anything connected with my search or reunion. (I tried to personal mail you but it wasn't allowed.) Despite what I said about not generalizing, I think the reunion process is good for everyone, as long as they keep an open mind and heart.

Mary Jane

[csimmons]

Eurydice,

I am 35 years old and was placed for adoption by my birthmother at the age of 9 months.

Fourteen years ago I searched for my birthparents. I had not had any contact with them since being adopted. I had a lot of unanswered questions and of course, a certain amount of curiosity about them.

It has been two years now since my birthmother passed away. I am glad that I met her and had a relationship with her. Because I had a good upbringing in a Christian home, I am very thankful to my birthmother that she thought of my needs above her own. She knew she couldn't take care of me and give me the things I needed. I admire her for making that decision. I have never had ill feelings toward her or my birthfather. They did what they felt was right and I benefited from their decision.

I am now married and an adoptive mother of two wonderful boys and the foster mother of one beautiful 16 month old baby girl, who will soon be ours. As with anyone, my life has had its share of ups and downs, but I feel my experience of being adopted has opened my eyes to this one single act of pure love. I have utmost respect for both of my boys birthmothers. It was their decision not to have any contact with us after we adopted them, but I hope one day to be able to meet them and tell them thank you for giving us such wonderful children. My children are the joy of my life and I thank God every day for trusting me to be their mother. I truly believe that in some circumstances, God allows children to be born to create families where otherwise there would be no children. This is the case in our situation. We are so blessed!