[Free_to_be_me]

I have read a lot of posts about adoptions being closed after everyone has agreed to a certain degree of openness. I have a pretty hard time understanding what is happenning that makes people decide to do this.

So, my question is: If you are a member of an open adoption, are you worried about the other people in the circle closing the adoption against your wishes?

My answer is that I am not worried about it at all. I can't even fathom it happening.

[ChristyLynn]

I am an adoptive mom and I can say that I am a little nervous about the bmom deciding she does not want further contact. We spoke with her constantly for 4 months until placement. For two months after placement she emailed occasionally. After 1 year she does not email anymore, and did not send her agreed-to 1 year letter for benefit of child. I don't want to be pushy, I know that contact could be very painful for her. What we've done is set up a website with pictures that I update at least monthly so she can come see whenever she feels like it, if she feels like it. I know that she could also just be really busy, just like all teenagers! I am afraid, though, that she has moved on to the point where she no longer desires updates, which is OK and her choice, but it would be dissapointing to me as I wonder about her alot.

[BrandyHagz]

I am a birthmother in a very open adoption. I have never thought, or even worried about the relationship closing.

I do know that there have been times in our lives when contact wasn’t our top priority, but it wasn’t a bad thing.

At one point, we didn’t have visits for a year…and our contact was very limited…but that was because they were doing mission work in Bosnia Herzegovina.

Then, when they got back from Bosnia Herzegovina, they stayed with me for a little while…while waiting for their house and such.

I’d say, we are closer now, than we ever have been…our relationship has always been 100% open, I have always had their phone number and address (even when they were out of out country) and could contact them any time I wanted. But life happens.

[XoXoKiyaXoXo]

i just went through an open adoption, on 3-23-04 i had a little baby girl. i am kind of worried about the adoptive parents closing it. we are finding out that our family has so many ties to them that its scary. my doctor is kiya's god father, they almost all of my aunts and uncles, and so on. and if they would try to close it, could i do anything so that they cant? i guess im just kind of scared about everything...

[Free_to_be_me]

Wow, you really did JUST go through the beginnings of the adoption. How are you doing?

As far as being worried about the adoption being closed, how well do you know the adoptive parents so far? Have you talked about how much contact you are planning on having?

In most states, openness isn't legally enforcable (there have been quite a few threads about this lately), but this seems to be slowly changing.

I haven't ever been in the situation where I worried that my adoption would close. The adoptive family and my family has always been very considerate about how the other is feeling...if we don't know, we ask, even if it is kind of hard. We haven't used the term "boundaries" but in the beginning we set pretty clear boundaries and followed them. Since then, our relationship has evolved and is quite comfortable and natural feeling. It has been a journey, but very much worth it.

I wish you lots of luck. I hope things go well for you.

[XoXoKiyaXoXo]

new ties keep conecting us to the adopting parents. we met through my doctor. he has known them for like 15 years. he is even going to be her god father. and now we are finding out that alot of family and family friends know them very well. we talked about vists and they seemed to be very into it. thwy are soon moving out of state, but they asked if i wanted to stay at their new house for a day or 2 when they get moved in. so i guess i really shouldnt worry that much... i just wouldnt be able to live if they closed the adoption. tomarrow i have to sign the papers... so i am upset about that too... but i just dont know what to think anymore...

[3inCO]

Both my 8 year old's birthparents and my five year old's birthmother said they wanted a semi-open adoption, with us sending pictures and letters through the agency. I have done so religiously for the past 8 years. We never heard anything from the birthparents and about six months ago included our e-mail and asked if anyone would mind a more open realationship. When we heard nothing, I called the agency and found out that nothing I had ever sent had ever been picked up by anyone. I was devastated. Especially since I always assumed that if my son's wanted more contact that we might be able to open the relationships up. Through this forum I have learned that this too is not uncommon and that many birthparents have fears and pain that I could never begin to understand. I will keep sending what is promised until the boys turn 18.

My daughter is 20 months old and we have a very open adoption with her birthmom. I do have fears that this could change as well. She is going to have another baby very soon and I wonder how this will affect our relationship. We just go along and try our best to honor our commitment to the birthparents of our children. There is a great deal of fear surrounding open adoption on many levels. I know that we constantly hear from people who have no idea what they are talking about things like "you know her birth parents? Why would you want to share her, aren't you afraid they will take her back, she will love them more etc...?" Ridiculous questions, but often from well educated, supposedly intelligent adults.

The only reason that I would ever close our adoption is if I perceived a real threat to my daughter's safety, then I would have not one moments hesitation.

Becky

[numbr1dbcksfan]

My birth daughters parents also have an adopted son who's mom has cut off contact with them....so that kind of worried me a little since I thought they might have problems explaining the different situations for the two kids...but they remind me all the time that they are happy that I am available to answer any questions if and when I am needed.

But to answer the question.... Yes, there have been times that I worries....like when I was sitting by the mailbox because my pics were a few days late...and when they change LD carriers so their 800# was disconnected....LOL It was all in my head, and I had everyone's "beware" stories running through my mind....It made me kind of paranoid!! (We all need to be careful not to take all the negative stories to heart.....weigh the bad with the good....)

But we have talked and so I no longer feel that the adoption would ever be in jeopardy of closing....

[PunkRawkPxer03]

My AP's were very open with me the few weeks we talked before placement but I placed my baby on March 18, and yet I am extremly afraid they will close the lines on me. I'm afraid they have recieved what they want and will rarely talk to me, even though that sounds horrible to say, I just feel they are going to fade out slowly to get on with their normal life!

[3inCO]

Meg, as an amom I have to say that as silly as it sometimes sounds, we aparents have a lot of insecurities and fear as well. Because my son's birthmoms did not want open adoptions we really did not know "how" to proceed when our daughter's birthmom placed her with us. We too wanted an open adoption but we were all pretty clumsy at first. She did not want to intrude in our bonding and family time and we did not want to force ourselves on her and make things more painful. So...we ended up not communicating too well at first and found out that around Christmas time that first year the birthdad's family had her completely convinced that we would as you said fade out slowly and get on with our normal lives. Luckily at that point, she called the agency and expressed her fears. We decided to really start communicating and I let her know that she could call whenever she needed to and that we are completely aware that our daughter is lucky to have two families who love her and who will be in her life. Since then we still have occasional miscommunication but not like at first. I think everyone is so fragile in the begining of this relationship. It is like no other relationship you have and most people have no way of realting to you no matter which side of the triad you are on.

That said, I would give the afamily some time to do their bonding, if your rights are not yet relinquished they may be living in fear. If after a few months you still have these fears or they seem to not be honoring their bargain, is there an agency that can contact them for you to make sure there is not a miscomunication? Sometimes being a new parent is so overwhelming in itself that little else gets done (not a great excuse but sometimes a reality). I had so much fear that I would hurt N's feelings by pushing ourselves on her or saying the wrong thing.

I know there are many stories of the aparents cutting off contact after getting what they want, and I know it happens, but there are also tons of aparents who adopt with a full desire to include the birthfamilies in their child's lives forever. Sometimes it just takes awhile to establish a comfortable relationship.

Good luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

[shorti007]

XOXOKiyaXOXO:
Do you wish your adoption process was seperate from family and personal life? I'm just trying to understand where your coming from. I understand that so many people are connected someway in this adoption. Maybe it's a good thing? Anyways you are just starting to go through this long journey. I think you have a very open adoption if the aparents are inviting you to there new house for 1/2 nights. Not many aparents do this. They must have a really BIG heart and know that this is a really hard situation that you are going thru. They probably know that you will cherish this memory forever. Hopefully there's more great memories to come in the future. It will suck that they can't live in same state anymore. I understand your scared of the adoption closing on aparents part, but if both of keep your ends of the agreement up then I don't think you should worry. You still are too early into the adoption and it's very natural to think the worst. My advice to give is to have communication and honesty-no matter what. You chose open adoption. You will have your birthdaughter in your life ( a relationship) and she will know who you are and how much love you have for her. It will take work from both sides but it's all for this little angel. My thoughts and prayers are w/you tomorrow. It was a REALLY BAD day for me. Good luck w/everything!!!!!!

DEBRA

[Ragnarok]

There is no use worrying over things you cannot control. Just keep your part of the bargain to the best of your ability and hope that the other party has the class to keep up their end.

I personally would prefer less openness than we have with the adoptive family right now, but at the same time I would not like to lose the option of that openness. It is easier to retain what you currently have than to try and obtain more later on. Nor would I ever cut off all contact and disappear into the ether. You never know when they might need urgent medical info or something.

Brad.