[JustMeDiamond]

Stolen, I never thought of it that way, but it is true. As all birthmothers do, I had a reason to release my daughter into what I thought would be a wonderful situation for her. The Aparents had agreed originally to an open adoption (pitcures each year, open communication, and even allowed me to be a part of her first birthday) that was it though. Shortly after Morgan turned 18 months, her Aparents shut me out. There was no apparent reason, and I always tried to tell myself it was that they were afraid I was going to change my mind (something I couldve never done to my daughter) I made the choice to release her for solid reasons, and her best interest, why would I hurt her in that way? Why would they think of me like that? I tried calling, eventually they changed the number, and now have disappeared off the face of the earth. Many years have passed, and up until recently I had accepted that was just "how it was" There is not a day that goes by that my thoughts are not turned to that beautiful little girl I held in my arms so many years ago, to the faces of the AParents as I handed them a part of me that would become as much a part of them, the love that was in that room I couldve never imagined turning so dark. I trusted they would keep their word to me, as I did to them, but they didnt. They lied, and in fact stolen a piece of my heart in the meantime. I would give my life to just know she is ok, and to see those eyes again. I guess that will be in Gods hands though. I contacted a few search agencies, and I can not afford them. So Gods hands hold the answer. My message here is simple, if you are planning to adopt please realize the birth parents are not the only ones who have to keep a certain end of a bargain.
Broken hearted, Birth mother to Morgan Bradley, NC (last known address)

[AMom2Two]

Your story broke my heart. I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine what is going thru those parents head. I'm sorry they took something so beautiful and made it so ugly. My heart broke for you.

I wish you peace.....Bye

[JustMeDiamond]

I guess as I have tried to think, they were afraid. Fear seems to guide people in odd ways, although I tried to assure them that would never be an issue. I thought long and hard before releasing Morgan, and know in my heart it was the right thing to do. Even now, as I have over come the problems that kept me from raising her at that point, I would never think of tearing her from the family she has made and known.

[annmarieh]

when i choose open adoption i expected pictures and visitation the both the adoption agency and a parents assured me that i would get contact and for a few months i got pics but i have sent letters and pictures of myself over the last 9 months and havent gotten any reply i have other friends who also after a few months stopped getting pictures i dont know what to do any suggestions ????

[Sharon]

I wonder, how many of us ARE there in this situation?
My son is now 13. His aparents closed the adoption when he was a year old. Last summer, I tracked them down and made contact with them. I updated my son's medical history. They sent a couple of photos and a letter. In the letter they asked me (begged me) not to contact them again until my son was an adult. I said okay. I mean, what choice do I have, really?
Maybe this is putting the cart ahead of the horse, but my concern now is: how will I tell my son, once we are reunited? I want him to know the truth, but I know that if I tell him it will only make me come off as mean, bitter and vindictive. I don't want him to be angry with his aparents. I don't want him to feel I'm trying to bad-mouth his aparents. I DO want him to know that I placed him in a semi-open adoption, and that if I'd known it would close I never would've relinquished him, never in a million years. I want him to know that he was never far from my thoughts, and that I tracked him down two weeks before his 13th birthday and tried to re-establish contact. D*mn it, I want him to know I LOVE him, that I always loved him! This is so terribly hard, and I'm so discouraged. Until I joined this forum, I didn't realize this had happened to anyone else. Now that I know, I'm just sickened. How many of us are there, and how many more will there have to be before legislators wake up and start protecting our rights?
~ Sharon

[luvbeinmom]

Hi, I felt I had to write in as a adoptive mother of a two year old.
My heart goes out to all of you, but yes I think fear plays a very major role in adoptive parents terminating contact. Our adoption started out with plan for pictures to agency and no formal contact at birthmom request (no contact with birth father), that quickly changed to contact, I started a scrapbook for my daughters birthmother and send her pages regularly, we also have met about four times the first year and a couple this second year. We have no real plan formulated out for contact, and we plan to meet with her soon to discuss where we go from here. I seek and look for any material on open adoption and what really is right for my child first. I also consider her birth mother and our feelings. As open adoption is so new, I really have not gotten a good understanding of what amount of contact is good for child as he/she is growing up...It is the one answer I never really get an answer to...I plan to continue our contact, yet am not sure of in person contact, as I still need to really make sure that is best for my child....I have heard so many different views from adoptees and question a major open, ongoign contact relationship with the birthmother.....I think this may be what others have been concerned about, yet I don't think many have really addressed it , I think it has been easier to just not deal with it and "move on" , which is really sad in these days as everyone should know it will only hurt all relationships in long run....Anyway wont keep going, I feel terrible for all birthmothers for the unknown that they go and I , as one adoptive mother will not do that to my daughters birthmom, I love her to much for the gift she has given me.

[jhenrie]

Sharon,

We're discussing this topic on a thread I started as well, but I wanted to tell you that you took the words out of my mouth here. When I think down the road to a (hopeful) reuniting, my thoughts are often clouded with this clandestine business. I have all the same desires, worries, & concerns as you. Thanks for saying it so eloquently.

[JustMeDiamond]

It is odd because two days after posting the original message, I found the address for the aparents. I wrote them very kindly explaining I did not want to intrude, or cause problems, I would just like to know what has happened, and could they please do as they said they would and send at least a picture. You would think one in 16 years was too much to ask considering they had promised at least 3 per year. It has been over a week and I have not heard anything back. Each day I check the mail box in hopes that maybe things will turn, but no luck. My message is this, to those of you considering adoption, please also consider the options of the birth parents. Keep your word if you decide that you are open to communication. A change midstream is very painful. To the bparents, I guess as it has been said in many forums, there is no legal leg to stand on with open adoption so dont make major decisions based upon that issue.
Still ckn the mail....

[jakesmom]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, however in reading this thread concerning open - turned - closed adoptions, I felt I needed to say something.

The adoption of my first son (age 2), was completely open, as the bmother was an employee at my family business. My husband and I were there for his birth, and even took her home from the hospital. As she left our employ shortly after his birth, I send her photos everytime I have them taken, or a cute or special one arises. She comes to vist my office about once every 2 - 3 months. She has since married and had another child. She has never once asked about my son. She talks about everything, even brings her new child with her. I always ask if she got the photos, and she just says "yeah, I got em". She even invited our family to her sons 1st birthday. I have a hard time dealing with her visits because she doesn't even ask about Jake. His pictures are all over my office. I don't know how she can just ignore them. It really bothers me, I wanted us to have a relationship that would benefit him, with both of us in his life. I really believe she could care less.

The adoption of our second son was different in the circumstances, but his bmother and I agreed keeping everything open, and to keep in contact. It's been 4 1/2 months, and I have not heard a word from her. I can't contact her as she moved to another state and never let me know where. I still have all the photos that we took of her and her children holding him before they left.

It is just as hurtful to an aparent to not have the contact promised. I would love for my boys bmothers to see them and for the boys to grow up knowing them. I think it would be a wonderful thing for all of us.

[belkins]

Hello Everyone-
To anyone who has wondered if they are alone in having an open adoption closed from the beginning for no reason no you are not alone. I cannot give an exact figure but somewhere every day what is suuposed to be an open adoption does not happen because the adoptive parents have no intention of keeping things open and lie to themselves and the birth parents. When I last looked at how many people I had talked to that were like me in my siutation where the adoptive parents know the adoption was coerced and fraudulent, and had agreed to pictures and updates but never followed through on that, I had talked to over 500 women just like me in some fashion. This is not a new trend. Agencies are terrible at disclosing the fact that open adoptions are not legally binding so that we place our children based on an assumption. In my case I did not place my daughter wilingly by choice and how can one make an informed decision if the truth is witheld. I have never understood that. As I found out I am not alone with my situation, you are not alone either. Please keep posting.

[JustMeDiamond]

After seeing your post Brandy it almost makes me want to mail the link to this site to the AParents. I have now (almost two weeks) not heard anything. I check the mail box like a child awaiting for a letter from Santa. Trying not get my hopes up is so hard. Each day I wonder, I watch, and I pray that God will show them, I am not something (one) to fear. I just love this child as much as they do, but have had to love from afar. Any input from anyone on sending a second letter, maybe including the link to this site?
Still hoping, heartbroken

[kimmy30]

This is always very hearbreaking ot hear. I choose to close my semi-open adoption because of family diffaculties I was having. I felt I needed to protect her and her family.
I wish I could go back and change the way I handle it. But I was seveteen, didn't really know how to handle and think ahead.

I do suspect fear is the biggest reason aparents do that though. I find that being a birth mother, people look at you differently. They think there is somthing wrong with you.

Just today I was on site I have been at for a couple a years and decided to mention me placing a child up whe I was young. Talk about a thread killer. Not one person responded, but just kind of floated past my post as if it is wasn't even there.

I though it would be okay, since there had been many threads about IF and adopting, both from grown adoptive children and those that were considering adoption. It really reminded me about how much stigma there is against a birth mother.

[jhenrie]

I kind of think too, that people realize that the "typical" birthmom is young & naive. I got pregnant at 17, too, & although I had more life experience under my belt than a 12 year old, I still couldn't have known all the right questions to ask or how to best prepare. I was still but a child myself. At that age, I was naive & assumed the "goodness" in all people. I assumed that if someone made a promise, they would abide by that. How greatly years & life teach us though! Almost 9 years later, I'm an entirely different person! I wonder if many adoption attorneys & hopeful adoptive parents prey on that. How, at 17, would have have known to ask if their written agreement was legally binding? I assumed, since it had their signature on it, that it was a binding contractual agreement. Oh how we learn! (...the hard way at that!) I wish I knew of the correct way to advocate for young birthmoms. I wish we could all work towards stopping our young sisters from falling victim to the same circumstances we did.

[JustMeDiamond]

Oh I agree full heartedly. I trusted so much, and still am a very trusting person. It has caused me many broken hearts, and hurt throughout the years, but the loss of the little I had to hope for has been by far the hardest to deal with. I have learned that anger doent fix it, so it doesnt pay to be angry, but yet to learn, and keep living. I was even younger, and didnt have a clue. I was frightened, alone, and knew I was not what God saw as a proper family for this child that had been brought into the world. She deserved so much more, and I wanted so much for her, thus my decision. I relied on an attorney that was suggested through the local crisis pregnancy center. Those were the only ladies (in the center) that through the years still stand by the words they spoke that night. The attorney later quit private practice and went into a very prominate law position in Charlotte NC. He was impossible to call, and even the one time I spoke to him, he claimed to have no way or time to deal with such issues as finding an address (or forwarding a letter for me) to the Aparents. That crushed me. I had given up hope until about 3 years ago, it took me until a few weeks ago, but I did finally find a current address. They had moved shortly after our last contact, no forwarding address given to me, or number, anything. I thought all was lost. It may still be, but I will always hold hope in my heart that one day I will hear something. I am like most Bmothers, I dont want to push or do the "showing up on the doorstep" I do not think that would be healthy for her at all, and I do not wish to cause her any type of anguish, so what choice is there? Waiting.....
What can we do? I have since done a lot of research, spent many hours in law libraries, and decided a few years back, at age 30 I was going back to school. I have since obtained a degree, and working currently towards a second so that I can go into private practice (law). My goal is to open the doors to younger women, and all women that are low income for issues that involve juveniles in any way. Adoptions, Child support and custody issues being my main focus. If you do any type of research, these are the issues that are pushed asided by legal aid, and the women and children have no one there to fight for them unless they have a lot of money. Something that is always missing in the case of the younger Bparents. I am not going into law to obtain my "Jag or Mercedes" Degree, but yet to help those who have been in my situation. Anyone can do this, and getting the word out there is the first step. Letting people know there is help to understand.

[jhenrie]

What a great thing you're doing! There should be more attorneys (or should I say "soon-to-be" attorneys) like you! And I agree...we just need to get the word out there!