[pixiestix]

Hi all!
This is the first time I've posted and desperately need some advice.
Ok here goes....
My daughter is giving up her baby for adoption to my sister.
This a very loving total family event in all our lives.
I would like to throw a baby shower for my sister as she is to be a first time mother.
I would also like to include my daughter ( the birthmother).
Any suggestions on how to include my daughter AND my sister since this is a very special time for both of them. I want them both to know how much I love and support them.
They are both so special to me and I don't want any hurt feelings between me and them or them with eachother. So far it's been a very close and loving process. I hope it always will be.
Can anyone help?

[Jensboys]

I dont know if it is a good idea to have a baby shower for the prespective adoptive mom before the baby is actually placed as it puts your daughter, (who by the way is currently just an expectant mother, rather than a birthmom until she places the baby) in a very uncomfortable position should she change her mind and choose to parent (which at least 50% of the time happens after the baby is born) no matter what her intentions are.

However, should everything go as planned and everyone's emotions are doing ok, considering ... I have heard on one occasion where they did a joint shower for the birthmom and the baby's new mom together. People brought gifts for the baby (ie clothes, toys etc) and brought personal gifts for the bmom (ie movie gift certificates, new clothes for her post baby figure, bath items, fitness passes etc....) to recognize her as a life-giver, first-time mother and new birthmom. Instructions were EXPLICITLY given to all attendees to be sensitive to BOTH parties and it was a fun event ... but I think that can only happen in extra-ordinary circumstances.

Chances are, your daughter will be grieving deeply and an emotional wreck and this just might be too much. Doesnt mean you cant hold a separate life-giving shower for her too though to recognize her loss, her strength and her journey into birth-momhood.

[bromanchik]

I agree. Throwing a shower before the baby is born will put an incredible amount of pressure on your daughter.

Tread carefully here. Supporting your sister at the expense of your daughter puts you in an really undesirable position. Your first concern should be your daughter's welfare.

[pixiestix]

Your advice was very insightful and helpful.
Thank you so much. You've given me a lot to consider.
I'll talk it over with my daughter AND my sister and see what their feelings are.

[ajzbaby6598]

I agree that it would be a bad idea to have a shower for both moms. I think that the two seprate showers are a wonderful idea, but talk with your daughter first. If she wants to parent the baby, she might want the shower for the baby and herself. If she does go through the adoption, then she might have an incredible hard time being around the baby and your sister for a while. I know this because I am a birthmom, and that's how I would feel. It all sounds like fun, but motherly emotions are soaring through the roof. I just put my son up for adoption two months ago, and it has been the worst time fo my life. Just be sensitive and don 't make any definite plans until everything is over with. This will avoid weird situations.

[BrandyHagz]

I'll be the odd man out here I guess


My b-daughters a-families church friends threw them a FAB shower just before she was born...and Sharon (a-mom) asked me if I wanted to be involved...heck ya I did! I just wanted to go...I wanted to see all the nifty stuff...plus, I had met a lot of the ladies at their church because I had been attending with them regularly.

When we got there, Sharon had a pillow stuffed in one of my maternity shirts and it made for a nifty photo moment for everyone there.

What ended up happening (which I had NO clue about) was that everyone brought 2 gifts, baby stuff for Sharon and Marni, and "Shower" stuff for me

I had so much fun... one of the ladies had created and framed a wonderful adoption poem and gave it to me at the end...it was really touching...I have it on my wall even today...7 years later

Sharon and I have been best friends since the day we met...and we never had that "keep each other at arms length" thing I see so much of on these boards...I always thought all open adoptions were like mine...I can see that mine is truly unique.

I'd say, have your sister ask your daughter how she would feel being a part of it...each person is different...as you can see by the responses so far...most important thing, not every b-mom is the same

[Amber55082]

I gave my son up for adoption in 97 to my god parents. It was a wonderful sitchuation, as I am sure that your daughters will be!!

I was a part of my birth sons showers and it was great. I didn't need anything special to help me know that I was loved that day. All the support and kind words and being surrounded by family was all I needed.

I am so gald that you want to go out of your way to show them both how you feel but I think they both know. It is not inappropriate for you to have the shower or to have your dughter there, of course asking her if she is comfortable there might be a good gesture.

If your daughter would like anyone to talk to, or even if you would I am very open about my sitchuation and love helping others. Please feel free to contact me anytime :-)

amber_grundman@hotmail.com

Amber
Zachary given in adoption at bitrh in 97