[kadensmom]

When I was pregnant, I had no problem with visits that came 4 times a year. The aparents were surprised at the amount, expecting more. I told them I didn't want to be intrusive and they said I wouldn't be. We were very good friends during the pregnancy, with Jessica coming to all my appointments and we talked over the phone every week from 4 months gestation and on. They also led a bible study for young married couples that included my cousin and her husband. But now that Kaden is born, I wish that I'd have asked what felt right to them. How many visits did they WANT me to have? I wish I could have more. I saw him a week after he was born to say good-bye "properly" and now I have to wait for three months to see him again. Not only do I miss him, but I miss Jessica and Jason like crazy. We spoke to each other so frequently and saw one another so often and now I'm too scared to contact them in fear that they'll become annoyed. They told me at the hospital that our relationship wouldn't change afterwards, but were they being honest? Or just being nice?

[Randa]

Have you told them about your fears? Tell them how you miss their friendship and that you're afraid of being intrusive. Tell them that you want to make dure they feel they can be honest, that you'll be okay with their wishes. You have to be willing to accept what they say. Then all you can do is believe what they say, because the only way to know what a person is feeling is by what they say. I hope that helped, at least some. I pray all works out well.
Randa bmom to Matthew (1/5/89)
mom to 4 more.

[Sharon]

Kaden's mom, I know it's so terribly hard; I know you miss your baby so much. The first few years are the hardest. It gets better after that, although the pain never goes away entirely. I think, and please don't take offense at this, that if you visit more than four times a year it might confuse your daughter and make it difficult to bond with her adoptive parents. This is something you need to discuss with them, of course. If they agree to more frequent visits, then great! But I would not be surprised if right now they want to keep it at four a year (this is actually pretty generous... if you've been on this forum for long, you'll see that when it comes to open-adoption, four times a year is about as good as it gets). Please don't push them for more visitation than they can handle... it could frighten them so much that they back off or even close the adoption entirely. Maybe when the child is older, and securely bonded with her adoptive mother, you could start to have a more active role in her life, like that of an aunt or a close family friend. But right now I think it would be very difficult for the adoptive mother to have you around more often than a few times a year. Again, please don't take offense... I'm a birthmom too, and I do understand how you feel. But I've been on this forum awhile, and 've gotten some perspective on how many adoptive parents feel also... and I would strongly advise you not to push for more visitation at this time. Sincerely, ~Sharon

[bmLisa]

Hi Kadensmom~

This is a very hard time for you, please try not to feel guilty about not asking Jason and Jessica what they preferred. I think it is great that you guys formed such a close bond. I too struggle with the feelings that my son's parents only agree to things because they feel obligated, and not because they want to. The truth of the matter is that no one can know what they are agreeing to before the baby comes. So many times feelings change after the baby comes. I know that is totally what happened to me. This is an important time for Jason, Jessica, and Kaden to bond, but don't let that fact keep you from keeping in touch with them. I would say that the first few months are the time when the greatest amount of adjustment occurs, for everyone. You are trying to come to terms with giving birth but not having your baby. I am sure that you have so many emotions and thoughts racing through your head constantly. Jessica and Jason are really having to adjust too. Visits weren't originally part of our adoption agreement, but I was lucky enough to be able to see them all when my son was 6 months old. I think that in that time I had a lot of time to deal with what I was feeling, and the visit was very beneficial to me. It helped heal my heart to be able to see them all together as a family.

I also know that it is easy to say to yourself that you should feel lucky to get as much as you do because so many others get so much less, but please don't fall into that trap either. If Jessica and Jason and you are all comfortable with a lot of visits and contact, don't let any one make you feel guilty. Enjoy that and appreciate the fact that you found people who realize the benefits of open adoption.

My son is almost 2 and I still go in to see my social worker a couple of times a month. I think that has been what has helped me the most, have you received any counseling or do you have access to any? I would strongly recommend it as a way to help you handle all of the ups and downs you are going through right now. It won't take away the pain, but help you understand why you are feeling the way you do.

Do you think that if you wrote Jessica and Jason a letter and asked them if they could send you some pictures that they would agree? I know that pictures are a poor substitute for a visit, but that might help you if you can see that he is ok and how much he has changed.

This is new to all of you, don't give up. Like any relationship in your life this one needs to be nurtured and given time to grow. Hopefully there will be room to accomodate changes as your relationship changes, just take things one day at a time.

hugs,
lisa

[kadensmom]

Well, the thing is is Jessica and I have been sending pictures and email back and forth. She sent me a batch of photos of after the birth of everyone holding Kaden and she really wanted pictures from my visit of my daughter Amy and I. She said that she's sending more pictures, the ones she took during the first visit. I feel so confused...I am so scared of being too weird about things, but after seeing all the stories on this board, I feel blessed.

I made it very known before I had him that bonding was extremely important and that I wanted Jessica and Jason to have that with Kaden. I want them to have their time with him, but I want to maintain this friendship that we had before.

Plus, we signed an open adoption agreement and under Oregon law, this can never be changed unless *I* decide to change it. This is so if we have a falling out and there is weirdness between us, they can never keep me from seeing him and I can't ask for anything more than I requested. But judging by the type of people they are, I seriously doubt they'd act this way.

Another thing, how am I supposed to feel about my cousin, her husband and my sister attending the same church as Jess and Jason?

[Sharon]

Kadensmom, I wanted to apologize, in my earlier post, for assuming your child was a girl. I've known girls named Kaden but not boys... it's a great name for a boy too, though! I'm so glad you placed your child in a state that legally enforces open adoption agreements. That means you're safe... what has happened to many of us on this board will never happen to you; the adoptive parents will not be able to close the adoption (sigh of relief). I know you'll never consider backing out either... it's so important to your son that he grow up having regular contact with you. I'm sorry things feel "weird" right now, but hopefully as time goes on and you build a lasting relationship with this family, everything will settle into a routine and you will feel comfortable enough to discuss things like more visitation, etc. It's kind of good that your cousin sees the adoptive family on a regular basis at church. Maybe she can give you little updates now and then... not spying on them or invading their privacy, but just letting you know that they're okay, how much your son has grown, etc. I'm glad that you are having quite a bit of contact with your child, and I hope that things continue to go well for you in the future. Like I said, hopefully some of the nervousness and awkwardness will ease over time... open-adoption is a fairly new thing and none of us really have any guidelines about how to act. We just have to do the best we can. Best of luck to you, sincerely ~Sharon

[mikey]

I agree, open adoption is very difficult, but there definetley needs to be a line between visits and actually raising your baby. I agreed in my open adoption on two visits a year, hovever once I got home it didn't seem like i could survive. I was miserable so his a-parents said I could have four that first year. I was so greatful and I have gone back to just the two for the last four years. Anymore visits than that i would personally feel like i wasn't moving on with my life. I stop by twice a year( my next one is in two days) and shower him with love and affection. i want him to know that I will always be there and that I love him unconditionaly, but like any relationship there needs to be a healthy amount of space.

[bromanchik]

Dear Kadensmom,

Open adoption comes in all shapes and sizes. Open adoption agreements are minimum guidelines . They are not meant to be set in stone. I think it is important that you look at this open adoption as a relationship. Are there relationships in your life that put restrictions on? Are there relationships where you have said you will only visit X times per year? Of course not! (Unless you have some really dysfunctional family and friends.) It sounds to me as if your son's adoptive parents really like and care for you. It also sounds like they are open to more contact.

Sharon wrote:
I think, and please don't take offense at this, that if you visit more than four times a year it might confuse your daughter and make it difficult to bond with her adoptive parents. This is something you need to discuss with them, of course. If they agree to more frequent visits, then great! But I would not be surprised if right now they want to keep it at four a year (this is actually pretty generous... if you've been on this forum for long, you'll see that when it comes to open-adoption, four times a year is about as good as it gets).


Research has shown that kids in open adoption are not confused who their parents are no matter how much they visit. Do my kids think their grandma is their mother even though they see her three times a week? OF course not! We have very different roles. Your role as a birthmother is a vastly different role than that of your sons parents. Even the most involved birthparents do not parent their children. As long as the roles are clear the child will have no confusion.

While visits four times a year is good, it is not "as good as it gets". There are many birthparents I know who have monthly contact, some every other month. They get together because they enjoy being with each other and sharing each other's lives. They are open to the ebb and flow. Right now you and the adoptive parents are building a foundation for your son. Knowing and caring about each other will only benefit him in the long run. That should not have to stop once your son is placed with them.

If you want to talk about this further contact me privately at the hotline below or e-mail me.

BTW, My son is 18. We have had a fully open adoption from the beginning. Our visits have never been less than 4 x a year. Never shorter than a week-end, some as long as 10 days. He is not confused as to who I am in his life. If anything he is secure in who I am in his life and secure in who his adoptive parents are. This week-end I will be sitting with his adoptive parents as he graduates from high school. How wonderful that he can have so many people who love him at a major turning point in his life.

--
Brenda Romanchik, Director
Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support
721 Hawthorne
Royal Oak, MI 48067
Phone/fax: 248-543-0997
Expectant parent/Birthparent Resource line: 877-879-0669
Website http://www.openadoptioninsight.org
brenr@openadoptioninsight.org

[MomTo1]

Brenda...

Thank you for your post. You are the first person I met who has been involved in an open adoption relationship that long.

As someone who is newly into this type of adoption, at times, I feel overwhelmed with the various attitudes and myths surrounding open adoption. Thank you for the encouragement!