The closing of adoptions by aparents continues to amaze me!
But something else really gets to me, The Bparents that continue saying" It wont/cant happen to me, They would never do that!"


I was that bmom 5 years ago, "My bson's parents are the best! I couldnt have found more honest, caring, people" "They keep me so informed, I have pictures and updates whenever I felt the need to receive them"

I am now the bmom that is asking"what happened?" "WHY?" "where is my bson, is he ok? Did I chose the wrong people , even when for 8 yrs they were the best?"

I truly had a wonderful semi open adoption, the perfect relationship, if only through pics and letters, absolutely no reason I can come up with as to why they would close the POBOX and leave no forwarding addy. The very last letter from his mom was normal talk about how the kids were doing , how was I, they were going on vacation........etc.... all was so normal, so what happened? I am left with unanswered questions until hopefully someday my bson finds me and I can ask!

So please dont take your visits or your pics and letters for granted and remember that every day is precious for we are only guaranteed today!

[Mary RamireZ]

My adoption was one of the first smi open adoption in 1982, when my birthson wa 2 years his adoptive mother started writting me through the angency with pictures of him. I was six months for the agency to send the first letter{ they said it got lost and they just found it.for 18 years Kathy send me letters some did not come for a fews years, she send me pictures of her
other sons and adoptive parents. She sent me money a few time.
She sent me a letter telling me my son real first name McCreigan be for that she had a nick name Micki. The last letter was he was 19 and just granuated commity college as a Music Majior. There was a bookmark with my son picture on with with his last name white out. My daugher found out his last name, also UCLA was also whited out. My adoption smi closed when I asked if I could met Kathy it is against the Law and and their rules. I have clues ing the letters to search and I found the family and my son at UCLA I plain to go the the graduation.
by for now
Mary Mumby Ramirez
Birthson MCCreigan Birthname Robert Dean Mumby
Birthdate april 4 1980

[autogrl1612]

i just have a quick question, if anyone knows anything about the maryland open odoption thing that can be closed, email me at autogrl1612@aol.com ,i had a baby last may 19, and have recived one letter and a few pics, its starting to worry me a little, could someone PLEASE email me with any info

[Sharon]

MarksMom...During the first year after placing my son in a semi-open adoption, I would've been one of the ones who said, "It will NEVER happen to me." My son's aparents sent me 2 sets of adorable pics, 2 long letters in which they showered me with praise, gratitude and respect, claimed to consider me part of the family, and made vague (unsolicited, I might add) promises about possible visits in the future. Pleased but somewhat overwhelmed, (I was 16 and unsure of the proper response) I replied with a couple of hesitant "thank you" notes, and a few pictures of myself and the birthfather. I never in a million years would've suspected that these people were insincere. But after the first year (as soon as the adoption was finalized) the a-family moved away, leaving no forwarding address with the agency, and I never heard from them again. Last month I finally began searching for my son's afamily, and I managed to track them down in another state and send them a letter, updating my son's medical history (birthfather is now suffering from a genetic illness) and asking for a photo of my son, who is now 13 years old. They did send me 2 photos in response, along with a letter stating that my son has no interest in knowing about his birthfamily and asking that I not contact them again. They didn't really offer any explanation as to why they broke our agreement all those years ago, except to state repeatedly that "our main concern has always been ____'s health and happiness." They offered no clue as to why they thought sending a photo to the adoption agency once a year would've adversely effected his health or happiness. My search left me with many questions still unanswered, but the main question, "Is my son alive and well?" has been answered, and for that I am eternally grateful. I can only assume that they entered into the adoption knowing full well that they would not fulfill their part of the agreement (an annual photo). I will never really understand or come to terms with this, and there is a part of me that was so damaged by this devastating betrayal that I've never been able to fully trust anyone since. I suppose they justify it to themselves by saying it was in their (my) son's best interests. But, in regard to the original post... if you had asked me during the first year of my adoption, I wouldn't have imagined this would or could happen to me. I wasn't aware that open adoption agreements weren't legally binding until years after the fact. The agency never told me; I never thought to ask. I post my story often not to depress or upset anyone or to change anyone's mind about placing their child for adoption, but to let people know that it can and DOES happen. Birthmothers should go into this with their eyes open. They have a right to be fully informed of all the possibilities. I was ignorant and naive, I suffered the consequences, and I will have to live with the emotional fall-out for the rest of my life. ~Sharon

[HappyTwinsMom]

As a woman who became a mother through the miracle of adoption, I am also continually amazed when contact is cut off without good reason. I can't imagine why sending photos and letters would be detrimental to anyone's health and happiness.

I had the opportunity just yesterday to share in more detail with some family members about why I feel strongly about keeping our agreement with our daughters' birthmother. People who are not directly involved in the triad don't always understand...I know my dad is "nervous" (his word) about our ongoing contact with "C." My explanation is....my greatest hope is to raise my daughters to be women of integrity, women their family can be proud of...I can't expect to do that if I am not willing to model integrity and honesty through something as basic as keeping my word to the woman who gave them life.

My heart breaks when I hear stories such as these, and I will never understand what motivates people to hurt others like this.

Blessings!

[jkies1]

Hi!

I'm new to this forum. But, this is an issue that took me years to figure out. Not until I married and had two more children did I understand the adoptive parents of my son and their actions toward me.

I tried to raise my son by myself. My parents were unable to help me- and unwilling. My extended family in general wanted nothing to do with me in a single parenting situation. I had no permanent home and my work environment was not the best. I held onto Jeffrey until he was 9 months old. People often are annoyed that I remember his age in months. They were precious months. I wanted to remember exactly when he left me.

The adoption was private, but allowed for sharing of pictures and messages. On Jeffrey's first birthday the aparents sent me a letter and a picture of him. I really cherished that.

The next year I called them around his birthday and Marcie, the adoptive mother became defensive and tried to accuse me of neglecting Jeffrey and causing his legs to be deformed. Jeff's dad was bow-legged, that was no surprise to me. It sounded as though she was getting ready for a battle over Jeffrey.

The next time I spoke with her she pretended I had the wrong number. That was the last time I contacted them. I never received anymore pictures or letters.

I was angry and hurt for a long time, as Marcie and I went through several long, hard months of indecision over placing Jeffrey with her. We knew each other well- or at least I thought we did.

Finally, I realized that the woman was just scared. I must have sounded so sad that she thought I was rethinking my decision. It was so hard to give Jeffrey up. It must have been just as hard to always fear a sad birthmother maybe wanting to take him back. I wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. I had no financial means to have a legal battle. But, sometimes fear has no reason.

I hope that helps you understand why the contacts often sour.

jeanne k.

[Mary RamireZ]

I had a smi open adoption, we just start writting each other no contack just letter writting and pictures. About 3 year I started writting the angency. Holy family wrote me back for the consent for contack was for the Adopte not for the adoptive family even if we both wanted. You see, when my birthson was placed I thought he was from a Rape not my late husband as real birthfather. I wrote a letter to him, telling him why I placed him.
The Adoption worker gave the letter to his adoptive mother , told her to burn it and I was never to met my birthson. Birthmothers in smi open and open adoption, make sure the adopted parents
know you want a reunion and do not prevent it!!!!

by for now
Mary Ramirez

[MomTo1]

I am so sorry for all of you that your adoptions closed without your consent. I just can't understand it.

When we turned to adoption, I always knew that I wanted to add to a childs life, not take away from it.

How sad that some a/parents feel insecure and scared and in essence, take away from the child they claim to love so much, the relationship that could provide the healing piece of a puzzle for the adoptee.

How sad that in today's world, human kindness and support is replaced by selfishness and cruelty, not only to the birthparents but to the small child they promised to love and care for. I wish everyone would consider what is involved with semi-and open adoptions and how it will affect the child to know that the aparents shoved the bparents out of their life. Do they fully understand the impact of their actions or are they putting their heads in the sand and acting like it won't matter.

I am not taking about foster adoptions or abuse, only those adoptions in which the birthparents lovingly placed their children in an open or semi-open adoption, only to be torn in a million pieces by the deceit of a few wicked parents.

When adoptions are closed weather it be by the adoptive parents or the birthparents, bad feelings arrise.

[alisonginger]

I am a 39 year old adoptee. I know that this idea won't be popular in this thread, but it is entirely possible that at least some of these adoptive parents stopped contact, not out of selfishness, but out of trying to do the best for their children.

I have never had any interest in finding my birthparents/birthsiblings. And the thought of being found used to really trouble me. (I heard about the "searches" first from all the 1970's TV movies.) I HAVE parents. One mom. One dad. I didn't/don't need more and as a child I believe contact would have been confusing and upsetting. (My parents never said any such thing to me, in case you are wondering.)

I appreciate greatly the selflessness my birthmother showed in giving me up. But I am also very glad she did so completely, without strings, demands, letters, contact. I have a family and never wanted to be subdivided.

It is my hope that some of you birth mothers can be at peace knowing that you made the best choice in the circumstances, and that many, many adoptees really prefer to be part of their real families without disturbance.

BTW, my older sister and her husband adopted a sibling group of three a couple of years ago (she has five non-adopted children as well). These kids' birthmother has some contact--basically at my sister's discretion. My sister continues to call and allow visits, but generally the contact is not positive FOR THE CHILDREN. The needs of the children--not ANY set of parents--should be primary.

Thanks for listening...

[bromanchik]

Alison,
There is plenty of research that indicates that open adoption does not confuse children. In fact, it gives them answers.

As far as your sister's children are concerned, what might seem disruptive might actually be helpful. "Protecting" children from the truth does not eliminate it. Helping children deal with their truth, age appropriately, is what open adoption is all about.

[Jackiejdajda]

>The very last letter from his mom was normal talk about how the kids were doing , how was I, they were going on vacation........etc....


I am very sorry this is happening to you.. This must be horrible..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

>alisonginger wrote
>It is my hope that some of you birth mothers can be at peace knowing that you made the best choice in the circumstances,

Trouble is the worry does not go away..

One tries to forget but the thoughts just keep on surfacing.

Is he alive? Is he dead? Did he have a difficult life?

Not nice.

Jackie

[Sharon]

"I am a 39 year old adoptee. I know that this idea won't be popular in this thread, but it is entirely possible that at least some of these adoptive parents stopped contact, not out of selfishness, but out of trying to do the best for their children." ~ Alisonginger

Alison, I entered into a semi-open adoption agreement 13 years ago. The agreement was that I would recieve an annual photo and health update about my son through the adoption agency, and that I would also be able to send photos/ updates through the agency. The adoptive parents honored this agreement only until the adoption was finalized. After the first year, they never sent another thing. They left the State, leaving no forwarding address with the agency. For thirteen years I did not know if my child was alive or dead. Finally, I managed to track down the family on my own and contact them, passing along some much-needed health history (my son's biological father is now suffering from a genetic illness). Needless to say, the aparents were not happy to hear from me.
No, dear, I have not considered the possibility that my son's aparents felt they were acting "in his best interest". It is obvious that was not a consideration for them. They lied and agreed to semi-open adoption in order to get a child (they are an older couple, and it's unlikely they would've been chosen to adopt at all had there not been some incentive to "sweeten the deal", so to speak) without ever having any intention of following through. After having been in contact with them, I now know this for a fact. I do not appreciate it, I do not respect them or their decision, and I worry for my son's emotional well-being and development. I consider his adoptive parents to be lacking in morals and ethics and I do not feel them to be capable of raising my son with the values that are important to me and to most in this society.
Just my opinion, ~ Sharon

[kachex]

As alisonginger said earlier, I know that this post will not be received warmly in this thread.

I am a 20 year old adoptee from Ohio. My parents tried for several years to have a baby of thieir own. After they found out that they could not, they looked in to adoption. First they adopted a boy, then 3 years later another boy, 1 year after that they got a 3rd boy. Almost 3 years after their 3rd son arrived, the adopted a girl (me) then another boy a year later and a girl the year after that. Six in all.

My parents did not have an open adotion with any of us kids birth relatives. Even though they didnt, my mom was still terrified that someone would try to take one of HER children away fron her. And that is exactly what we are. We are HER children. I have 1 dad and 1 mom. I also do not need/want any more.

Adoption is not about sharing a child. It is about giving that child a home and a family. To ask adopted parents to share THEIR child with you is like telling them that they are really only HALF the parents and that you are the other half. That should not happen. My parents are my REAL parents and the only parents that I need and I know that all of my REAL brothers and sister agree with me.

So I think that everybody should just leave well enough alone and let the parents raise their kids. Everyone knows what adoption is before they go into it so if you cant handle it then keep the baby you gave birth to and dont complain.

Just my thoughts

[Teresa K]

"So I think that everybody should just leave well enough alone and let the parents raise their kids. Everyone knows what adoption is before they go into it so if you cant handle it then keep the baby you gave birth to and dont complain."

Kachex,

I am trying to rationalize WHY anyone would make such a statement. The issue here is LYING, some of us were promised contact. I would have certainly kept my children if I would have known people LIE to get children, or change their minds. I did reclaim (well within the legal time frame and was assured the so called adoption was stopped) the family decided laws were irrelevant for people who passed a homestudy (IMO)

No matter how many pieces of paper signed by how many judges my children are mine, yes, someone else has papers (fraudulent as they are) saying they are theirs but that does not change the fact they were mine, taken illegally, I am a honest person, to a fault and would never dream of telling someone " Just let us know what you want , you did so much for us it is the least we can do"....these same people knew contact was not inforcable. The pro's helped them with this little scam.

**** right I will whine, I will continue fighting for these agreements to be legally binding. Be realistic here, how many natural parents have you heard of "kidnapping" their children. Yes, a few but not very many. I am happy you had a wonderful family, but before you judge someone, imagine walking in their shoes for one day. What I would give to go back in time and think adoption is as wonderful as it is made out to be, that is far from true for many of us, and we have the right to grieve. If it bothers you, do not read the thread. Your post upset me due to the fact you know one point of view, and I sincerely hope you never face the pain adoption has caused many of us. Teresa