[Lauren41303]

Hi. My name is Lauren and I had a baby boy on the 13th or April who was adopted by a couple in Michigan. I am still very emotional (of course) and I am a little unsure of a few things. First of all, I became pretty good friends with the adoptive mother and father during my pregnancy; I talked to them at least once a week-if not more-for 4 months. They were kind enough to let me meet with them a week after Cameron (the baby) was born so that I could say goodbye to him and to them. They told me that I could have as much contact with him (and them) as I liked. When I was pregnant, I had convinced myself that I would want no contact whatsoever with my child or them after everything was over; unfortunately now I would really like to hear about his progress and see pictures of him as he grows up. I feel like I would be intruding on their lives if I was calling or even e-mailing a few times a year, basically because I feel like I led them to believe that I would be out of their lives once this was over and now I'm not. What should I do? Advice is needed from birthparents and adoptive parents....

Lauren

[Resseda]

Lauren-

About 6 weeks after my son was placed, his adoptive family offered me contact, and I was overjoyed. I too had thought I would not want contact after placement, so thank your lucky stars that your son's family is open to contact. Do you think a letter would be easier on you and them, rather than calls or emails? Letters give you more time to digest information and compose yourself before you react...even with email, i think the gut reaction is just to hit <reply> and not really let things sink in.

Email me any time, resseda@yahoo.com

Ress

[wanttobeparents]

Lauren,

I'm an adoptive mom. If your baby's adoptive parents were offering contact before the placement, I can't see them backing out now. Please call them and tell them what you need. If you aren't sure how much contact you want, you may just ask for pictures and letters for now and leave the option open for more contact later.

I would welcome contact from you. You are not intruding on their lives by asking for updates. You are easing your mind the best way you know how, by seeing that your child is well taken care of and happy. For any parent, adoptive or birth, the relationship between a mother and child is not over at placement. I think often of my son's birthmother and wish that we had a more open arrangement. It's selfish of me, I want to ease my mind and know that she is ok. As my son grows, I want him to know who she is.

Email them, call them, or write them a letter. For the sake of everyone involved.

Peggy

[sspete]

Lauren--My advice would be to call or e-mail them and let them know you want to know how your bson is. This should not upset them at all, hopefully they will be glad to here from you and excited that you want to be a part of their lives. There are many aparents who want to keep in contact with their childs bmom in the best interest of their child. I think semi-open adoptions are a great thing! It is my hope that you will give them the chance to let you into their lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you begin the journey of being a bmom. S Pete

[Birthmommy]

When I was pregnant with my triplets, I went through the did or didn't I want contact too. I know quite a few AP's that don't have contact with their childs birthparents and they are upset about it. They worry about you too! In fact, I have a birthfather friend Jeff who's birthson is 2. and he JUST started having contact with his son's AP's.

Open adoption is a wonderful thing. And I believe on both sides (both AP's and BP's) want contact with the other party.

But communication is the key!

You're in my prayers!

-Angel

[nicolebrooks]

UUUUgh - I only say this because hearing my BF's voice for the first time in 28 years overwhelmed me into a state of chaos. I don't even remember what we spoke about.

Granted I'm an email person, I insisted he write a letter. I wanted to see his handwritting. I also asked for pictures.

We now communicate through email often.

Showing you care is invalueable to the stability of your child. I would be careful not to elude to the fact you wish you never gave him/her up in respect to the adopted parents. Your strengths and weaknesses with be the most beneficial to your child understanding themself. On the same level any other children you have may also benefit from there awareness of each other.

[GenXMum]

Lauren,

It sounds like perhaps you don't realize that there are real valid reasons why it would benefit your birth child to work on growing and maintaining a respectful relationship with the adoptive family. I understand where you are coming from because there have been many times during the early years of my open adoption when I wondered what my place was in the life of my birth daughter and her family... or whether it benefited anyone but myself.

However over the past 15 years I've learned that open adoption is not a priviledge, it is a responsibility. By being a part of her life she has easy access to her complete family medical history as it changes over the aging and years of my family. By being a part of her life, she knows first-hand that her birth mother truly loves her and cares about her. By being a part of her life, she has another person in her life who is proud of her every accomplishment and sympathizes with her every heartbreak. By being a part of her life, she gets to watch her baby half-sister (my daughter who looks like a mini-version of my birth daughter!) grow up and will be a role-model to her. By being a part of her life, her mom can discuss certain preferences or behaviors to me and I can tell her mom that I or a family member also went through those temporary stages. By being a part of her life, we will never have to go through the "rollercoaster" of reunions. We are lucky to have a lifetime to slowly learn each other's personalities.

Popular wisdom says a child can only have one "mommy" and "daddy" but there can never be too many people in a child's life who love that child unconditionally... whether grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins,... and yes even birth mothers & birth family.

So I agree with everyone's suggestions of contacting the adoptive family and seeing if you can continue the building of trust and relationships that began before your child's birth.
Best Wishes!

[Cori Meredith]

Lauren,
If you became good friends with the amom, contact her as much as you feel like you should. I contact my son's amom & dad whenever I would like, and they contact me whenever they would like. They said they would not like that arrangement to stop because they would worry if I didn't call (a lot).
Good Luck,
Cori

[lettinggo]

Hi Lauren:

My heart goes out to you. I recently signed my rights over
to my husbans b an w. I was deceived alsom they promised
me so much even oveenight even living with them at some
point my husband and ihave problems he is not supportive
and I have parkinsons due to having baby.
Social Services is still involve and they say that they
will not finalize yet. I voluntairily signed my rights to
my 2.5 year old since they have been fostering him for
two years. We had a custody trial my husband lost his
rights. I could have been reunifed.
Social services messed with my head as well as inlaws
made me think i was doing a wonderful thing
Now SS won;t even let me talk to inlaws to see how he is
have not have any contact since a month.
Its an awful situation I think they want to change this
to a cloes adoption My attoryney does not about it
says he is very upset with ss and said that they should
not be so hard on me since I have a disabiltiy
E-mail me anytime
I'm sorry but there should be more support for bmoms
don't you think

[nicolebrooks]

Hi letinggo,
I've read several of your posts and hope what I have to say is helpful. I think you are in a frustrating position that has left you coming to conclusions without knowing all the truths. On top of that, it sounds like you feel as if you don't have a voice that matters due to circumstances out of your control.
Knowing what is best for yourself seperate from that of which is best for your son is important. That is something that no lawyer, SS department, Aparent(s), inlaw or ex can dictate. I would like to believe that everyones best interest is in the development of your child as a happy and content individual.
Your feelings deserve to be respected! Your wishes as to what you want in this crazy world will come in the ability to effectively communicate and react to a variety of circumstances. Take a step back and try to understand how each of these outside persons may react based on their own understanding.
As an adoptee, I truely believe that there is an undividable connection from my BP's that I can appreciate. The fact that my BF didn't see any of my childhood developments is disappointing but it doesn't take away the importance of him as a part of my life today.
A mother and father figure is an important part of development. Creating a hostile and misunderstood role you have as his birthmom may only add to the chaos. Are you angry you didn't see his first steps? Are you angry that knowbody seems to care about you?
What do you want? Do you keep a journal?

[dante'sbirthmom]

Lauren,

As a birthmom myself (I relinquished my son Oct. 1998), I found it difficult sometimes for myself to contact my son's adoptive parents when I wanted to know how he was doing and to ask for pictures.

I sent them an e-mail explaining my curiousity on his well-being and kindly asked if they wouldn't mind sending an update and some pictures. I explained that I was going to call or send a letter and didn't know if they would find that somewhat prying. In their return e-mail, they explained that I could call, or write whenever I wanted, that is why they gave my their mailing address and phone number, and that I shouldn't feel awkward or feel like I'm prying. I'm every bit of my sons life and they want him to have that contact with me.

My advice, an e-mail is less formal, and you can feel out their feelings on future contacts by their reply. Don't feel like you're prying, cause you're not, they want to know (from personal experience) that you are okay as well as you wanting to know if your child is okay also.

I hope you're able to contact them and set your fears to rest.

Ginette

[polkadotghost]

Just thought I'd post my 2 cents from the adoptive parents point of view. We also developed a wonderful relationship with our daughter's birthmother before she was born and became fast friends. She also said she did not want much contact, not even seeing the baby at all for possibly the first year. She called the day after we brought our angel home asking to visit. We had originally agreed that once she started to visit it would be every other month. She told us afterwards that she didn't realize how much she would miss her baby and really wanted to see her more often. It wasn't easy for us but we agreed to change the arrangement and she now comes anywhere from every other week to once a month depending on how she's doing and we're doing . Increased contact has caused some tension and fights but we're working on it. We all keep going from the standpoint that having her in our daughter's life is best for her in the long run. I would also recommend the email route as it can be less shocking, and not coming off as demanding. Hopefully the aparents are reasonable and understand that sometimes feelings change after the baby is born. Good luck!!

[Kaeden's mom]

It is OK to want contact with them and the baby. Maybe you should just e-mail them and ask them what they would be comfortable with. I think they would feel more open to contact if you did it that way.

[MomTo1]

"I feel like I would be intruding on their lives if I was calling or even e-mailing a few times a year, basically because I feel like I led them to believe that I would be out of their lives once this was over and now I'm not. What should I do? "

******************************

I agree with Kaeden's Mom. Do take the next step and contact them to discuss your feelings and how you both can work thru this together. I do not believe it is an intrusion. Most adoptive parents know there is a time frame in which some birthmothers might need closer contact, in order to move on. Please don't let too much time elaspe to talk about your changing feelings. I would encourage you to contact them. I liked the email idea.

Please keep us posted.

[b1998m]

I placed my daughter in Oct. 1998 with the agreement for letters and pics four times a year. Her aparents gave me the option of seeing her. I didn't see her for almost the first four years, just received the letters and pics. Last year I was ready to see them. They were so happy to let us all spend some time together.
I agree with everyone- email them and ask them for contact. I don't think that they would back out of it either. Good luck and you'll be in my thoughts.

Brandi