[daisy]

i've looked all over this board to find someone who is feeling exactly how i am feeling...confused. my husband recently told me about a child he had when he was just a teen. the child was given up and now has found him some years later(now). my husband has never told me about this early on and it wasn't until the child contacted him and sent him photos..the child does want contact and i believe my husband does too..

i can't explain how i feel...a mixture of confusion, deciet, angry...everything negative....

has anyone been in my shoes?? how do i handle this....what should i do

[bridog]

daisy

I will be honest with you, I do not know, or can I comprend how you feel. But from an adoptee's point of view, don't be angry with him, talk to him and communicate your fellings. The one thing you dont want to do is force him to choose between you and his biological child. As hard as it may be, try to be open and try to understand what may have been happening in his life at that time. I cannot answer why he had not told you, but he may have been ashamed by his actions, be supportive, if not for him, maybe for his child. Good luck and my god give you strength.....

[KilleDowns]

Daisy,
Please be loving and understanding to your husband and this child. Though I do not know what you are going through, my birthfather's girlfriend was recently in a similar situation. I'm sure part of why your husband never brought it up was because of the pain it would have brought back to think about it. Your husband needs your support right now and if all goes well, you will probably cherish this child in your life as well. Instead of dwelling too much on the past, you should embrase the future. Best of luck!

[strosnstars]

Birthparents (yes even birthfathers) harbor a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I was STUNNED when I found my sons birthfather to discover just how much. The reunion has been so healing for the both of us. Fortunately, his wife has been extremely supportive. She realized that, yes Virginia, he did have a life before she came along, and sometimes we make mistakes. Especially when we are teenagers!

Are you angry because your husband didnt tell you or are you angry at the prospect of having an "intruder" enter your life.

To the first- We birthparents are told from the minute we sign the papers to forget and get on with our lives. We are told never to speak of it again. We are not allowed to grieve. We bury it so deep that we dont even deal with the issues within ourselves, let alone with anybody else. Only now are a small percentage of birthmothers (and even a smaller % of birthfathers) receiving any counseling. And the counseling that is available is pitiful. It deals more with making sure you sign those papers and go away quietly than giving you life and coping skills afterwards. I dont remember any counselors telling me afterwards, OK..heres how you tell people in the future" I mean how does one work that into a conversation?

To the second- Im sure your husbands child is looking for answers..not a parent. Im sure that he/she has a perfectly wonderful family and only wants to fill in the void that is a very real thing for some adoptees. You might want to go onto some of the adoptee forums and try to educate yourself on WHY adoptees search so you can get an idea where this person is coming from. Reunion is a VERY powerful thing. If you are supportive you have the opportunity to be part of something truly wonderful. If you choose to be negative, you could very well find yourself out in the cold. I can tell you from personal experience that I cut ties with anybody who was not supportive of me during my reunion, including family members. It was "Get on the bandwagon or get the hell out of my way". They sure missed out on something great.

The love you receive is equal to the love you give. Try not to make it all about you and give this a chance.

Good luck,

Laura

[HopeNFaith]

I have a similar situation. My exhusband and father of my two daughters (12 & 13) has another daughter in Texas that he gave up when he was 18 or 19. The bmom also gave up custody and the baby was adopted at birth. I know it was a girl, named Victoria and she was born in April of 1984 (I believe, maybe 85). I have a decent relationship with him and I have tried to talk to him about listing his name in case his daughter may be looking for him. I also want my daughters to know her if she desires. I have never told anyone about this becuase he and I are divorced now and that is his daughter out there.
I always catch myself reading the posts and looking to see if a teenage girl from Texas looking for her birthfamily but I don't know how far I should push all of this with him.
Would it be wrong for me to search for my two daughters to know thier sister?
I don't know that thier dad will ever try to find her. And now he has a new son that may never know his sister too.
Anyone have advice to give....I'm listening.
Thanks and God Bless.

[KilleDowns]

hopeNFaith,
Before you try to search for his daughter, I think you should bring up the subject with your daughters. If they have a strong desire to find her, then perhaps when they get a little older you could help them search for her. Just my opinion. Best of luck!

[cccfairy]

hello
i am the wife of a birthfather who just found out 4 weeks ago that he was a birthfather.
since then he has been in contact with the birthmother who looked him up on classmates.com
they talk on the phone daily and monline and meet often for coffee.
tonight they went out to dinner
my husband and i have a good relationship and i have faith in our love. but it really bothers me that they spend so much time together.
i met her and her family at a play and i thoght that after that meeting i would not feel so alienated. but i was wrong.
she wants to keep everything between them. i do not think her family or spouse is very supportive of her and that is why she seems to need my husband so much. my husband is a very comp[assionate man. i just wish i did not feel so terrible inside about her.
i worry about her. i think she needs to have help and instead she depends on him. they have found their birthson and are waiting for him to make contact with her. they just have to wait, i know this is hard for them. harder for her because she has known about it since she was 17. he just found out 4 weeks ago.
i can't help but feel that if it were me i would make sure not to alienate her if i was going to be so needy of her husband.
maybe its just me feeling insecure. i hate feeling this way.
i am very supportive of my husband, we talk about alot of things, he tells me everything and asks me to read all his e-mails from her
i just hate myself for feeling this way. i worry alot about stupid things. if anyone would like tpo e-mail me or im me to talk about things that would be great. we can help eachother feel good about what we are doing. there isn't anything i wopuld not do for my husband.
i just wonder if he is clear on whats happening here, since he is so directly envolved.
thanks for listening

[daisy]

i have read all of your responses and i truly thank you for responding.

first let me say that this child is an adult. this person found my husband through her birthmother. a letter was sent and immediately my husband responded via telephone. a day later pictures of her childhood came in an overnight followed by a letter explaining how thrilled she was and that more pictures were to come.

my feelings toward this are unexplanable to me. i don't know whether i'm feeling anger, dishonesty and everything negative..my husband had years to tell me. we've even discussed children of the past if there were any...i have accepted his past and i am very well aware that before i came along there are pasts. but i was told that there were no surprises and won't be any. so this leads me to believe that the feelings of hurt and ashamed have subsided.

i have communicated my feelings to my husband. he understands how i am feeling and doesn't hold any ill feelings....it's whenever i am ready he totally supports any decision i make....he is aware that we have discussed issues like this and that he lied about the past... the one thing i haven't done nor ask is to have him choose and i wouldn't do that...

i am more so upset and feeling alienated than angry...but i have many combined feelings that are overwhelming...i don't see this person as an intruder...if this were handled differently my attitude toward this issue would be more accepting....

this person and my husband have been in contact...he has assured me she is not looking for answers or a parent for she has two wonderful parents..she just wants to let him know she is ok...in the aforementioned i think it is much more than what she is leading on...whether i chose to accept or not i don't feel i am being left out in the cold for i already feel that from the moment i discovered the letter (dismissed as a bill), from the moment i opened the overnight only to discover pictures from childhood to the present....it's not that i am not being supportive but how can i be when i was lied to, alienated...not giving me time to metabolize the "there's no surprises"?

since i had orginally posted, i had some days to think and metabolize all that is going on in our lives...i'm not saying i have fully accepted what is going on but i am at a more calmer state than i was...we will reach a commonality for our love is strong...he is supportive of what i am feeling and doesn't doubt for a minute if the roles were reversed he would feel this way too...

cc, i am so thrilled to know that i am not the only one for feeling this way....this is a two way street here....you can't possibly force acceptance on to a person....if a person doesn't want to accept then this person has the choice to leave or bear it......i haven't asked from him to not deal with something like this but i do ask that i get some time to think things through and to deal with my issues....though it may seem harsh and i'm by far not the perfect person but this is his issue not mine....so i am hurt and it's just a behavior that is only natural...thanks for listening to my novel.....

[cccfairy]

hi there

i am doing better
my husband and i have a strong relationship
he shares everything with me
especially since alot of the time i am not welcome to the seminars he goes to with the birth mother
and i think she is more comfortable that way
but he brings home literature and we talk about what he has learned and how he felt. some of them are very heart wrenching and i feel bad i could not be there for him too
but i am always here when he gets home
i also do alot of research on my own at the library, online and i have been to a seminar myself
its hard to feel alienated from what you feel is your own life with your husband, and then i feel bad for making things difficult for him. i think i am on the right track now. i hope. and i do know it will not last forever
so i try to be as supportive as i can
remember just because you understand does not mean it is easy
there birth son they located has still made no contact
so they just wait
they talk together, on the phone, online and they meet for dinner or coffee, i think my husband has gone above and beyond in supporting her in any way he can. but that is the kind of man he is. i am very proud of him.
i love my husband very much and there isn't anything i would not do for him
so even though this is difficult for me sometimes
i am learning to try to not take it personnaly and not let it bother me. if you want to e-mail me directley that is okay
its cccfairygirl@aol.com
i would be happy to talk with you anytime
hang in there

[Chels]

I am a girlfriend of a birthfather. The birthmother and him placed their daughter for adoption a few years ago. I had known about the adoption and been somewhat involved in the pregnancy since I was friends with the bmom at that time. Since then he has received picture and letters and has even gone to see her twice. During the second visit I got the chance to go along and meet her. For me this was the most wonderful thing to experience with him. I was able to trully understand his situation and seeing his bdaughter may it all more real to me. Becuase if the experiences I have encountered over the past few years, I have come to realize how amazing adoption can be, and how trully amazine bparents are. I have grown to love this little girl. It may not have the easiest thing in the world to go through, but has impacted me in many ways.

[patrisha]

daisy ~

My birthson found me about 2 years ago and even though my husband of 30 years knew of his existence, he admitted to feeling "left out" during the initial reunion cycle.

As Laurie said -during the initial reunion "It was "Get on the bandwagon or get the hell out of my way". Often a whirlwind of exchanged pictures and lengthy phone conversations take place. The spouse feels like an affair is going on and they can't even criticize it without looking petty. This stranger has penetrated the inner sanctum and it seems like your family life is about to change forever.

Not true. Once the first rush of emotion passes things settle down to routine visits and calls. My hubby now looks forward to my son's visits, and if he answers the phone calls I barely get a chance to chat.

Enduring a brief period of jealousy and inconvenience for the healing that can take place for both your husband and his daughter well worth the effort.

Feel free to vent your frustrations here whenever the need arises.

Good Luck
Trish

[claudia456]

I'm an adult adoptee, and found my birth father on my own, my birth mother however was never involved in our meeting.
I was really nervous about birth fathers girlfriend, I was unsure how she would take me wanting to know my dad, birth dad was a teenager when I was born, and he did not tel his girlfriend about me until I made first contact.
After I met his girlfriend and their children we have really calmed down with each other, I have come to be much more comfortable with her than i am of birth father, because she is so down to earth and "real"about everything, I adore her and can definately see why birth father does too.
I think she is coming around and getting to the point of acceptance , I know from time to time she has difficulty dealing with our new relationship, and although I can't feel her pain and confusion, I am blessed that she knows my pain because she is in the middle of searching for her own birth father.