[kristy79]

Hi, my name is Kristy. I am almost 5 months pregnant. I have struggled with the choices of abortion, adoption and single motherhood. None of them are appealing, but I thought the best option is adoption. I struggle with the fact that I am 23 years old, have an education, and a career (although, I am still in major debt). But, these three things don't seem to be enough. I am just not ready to be a mom, especially not alone. I have always wanted children, but only if they had a father and a stable mother. I can't give either of these things. My family is having a hard time with my decision; they want me to keep the baby because it is their “grandchild” or “niece/nephew”. They feel I am selfish to give this child a life I could NEVER give it. So with little support, I trudge through my daily life of being pregnant and alone. Today I meet with my adoption counselor and tell her which family I have picked to be the parents of my child. This is the scariest thing; it is all so very real now. This makes it more "official", and now I doubt and I fear my decision. I have dreams of seeing this baby and I wake up in tears. What happens if I can't relinquish this child at birth, it would all be for the wrong reasons, and I would be right back at square one. What happens if I am depressed for the rest of my life because I gave up my child? Where is the comfort in all of this anxiety, sadness and confusion? Where is the confidence that I need to get through this? I guess I just don't understand how people get through this.

-K

[strosnstars]

Kristy,

I totally know what your going through. Please, please ,please remember that nothing is "official" until you have signed the relinquishment papers. That baby in you is YOURS until you say it isnt. Just because you choose a family, doesnt mean that you dont have the option to change your mind. I want you to remember one thing. Financial situations are temporary. Giving up your child is not. I was in your EXACT SAME SHOES. I was pregnant and moved to Texas to be with the father of my child. We were going to be married. All of a sudden he up and decides he no longer wanted to be involved. I was alone, no job, and too ashamed to go home. The only "support" I had was "Caring church people" who took advantage of my extreme vulnerability at the time and convinced me that the only right thing was to give him up. Which I did. A year later and my entire life circumstances had changed. I had a good job and would of be perfectly capable of caring for my son. And my "Open" adoption closed with my 1 year picture and letter informing me that it was time that they be allowed to be a family and that my presence was no longer welcome. Something they SWORE would never happen. So all Im saying is please please please think very hard before you make a permanent decision for you and your baby. Read The Primal Wound which tell you about the trauma and psychological effects that a child experiences when being torn away from his real mother. You seem to be blessed with a caring family who will help you. Talk to other birthmothers and find out the TRUTH about the pain afterwards, not the "You'll forget and go on" crap that the people who have a vested interest in your relinquishment feed you. And if you do decide to place in the end, I pray you will get some grief counseling in a safe enviroment where it is OK to discuss your feelings openly. It WILL be a very difficult thing for your friends and family to hear and most dont want to discuss it, so as most birthmothers do, we just bottle it all up which will manifest itself in very self destructive ways. And if your family is opposed to your decision, its unlikely that they will be very supportive of your Grief afterwards. You can e-mail me at any time at strosnstars@aol.com. Talk to as many birthmothers as you can in the next 4 months, because at one point we were all you.

Love,

Laura

[kristy79]

strosnstars,

I guess I should explain a little bit more about my situation.

My decision has not been based off of pure financial reasons. Although I want this baby to have EVERYTHING, and I don't even have a home, I am staying with my grandma temporarily. I do not have a supportive family, as I wrote, they do NOT support me in my decision. If I can't depend on them to support me with whatever decision I choose to make, how can I trust them to help me out with this baby (which they have stated they will NOT be able to do either). The truth is, it is me and me ALONE that have this life long commitment, and one I am not ready for. The father of this child walked away when I refused to have an abortion, and I have not spoken with him since, he lives in another city. I am so scared of all this emotional pain, and I understand that it will never go away, that is why I am posting to this forum. I am so scared of never recovering. The only support out there seems to be for teenagers and teenagers only.

I am not going into this blindly. I want to raise my children, not daycare, I want this baby to have a father, not just a mom, and I don't want the baby to deal with the stresses a single mom goes through. The family I picked are wonderful people that can offer this child everything I can’t, but that does not make this any easier. Nothing is official in Canada, until I sign the papers after the baby is born; even then I have up to 10 days to change my mind. But telling the family I have picked them makes everything “seem more official”.

As for this statement for me to read “The Primal Wound which tell you about the trauma and psychological effects that a child experiences when being torn away from his real mother”. I do no agree with this at all, in fact I think that was a very unfair thing for you to even suggest to someone in my position. I have many friends who were adopted and have assured me that this is NOT true. A child placed in a loving home who is raised properly, will not have to deal with trauma, they will have the exact opposite. I am looking for support through the adoption process, not opposition to it. The agency I am going through are giving me pre and post adoption counseling for as long as I need it, but nothing is more real than talking with other bMothers.

I appreciate your words stronsntars, and I understand your point of view. I am sorry for your loss, and hope that you can over come your regret someday.


I guess no matter what my intentions are; every one has their own opinion.

-K

[Jensboys]

I am here in BC

There is pain that goes with your decision - pain for yourself, and some for the baby who becomes an adult and has experienced a loss of You as his/her "mommy" But sometimes that pain is necessary and only you know that. Thats what being a mother is all about - sometimes taking a world of pain on for the good of our children.

Now, I am an adoptive mom, and have never walked in your shoes so I cant begin to say what you are going to feel. But I do have some suggestions - the worse possible thing that I have seen in adoptions is adoptive parents who "change their minds" regarding openness. If openness is something that is important to you (and even though hard it is such a benefit to the child!), PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE quiz the aparents about it - ask for their views, discuss various scenarios, ask what books they have read (maybe read sometogether), maybe ask to talk to their swer privately to ask her take on their state of mind. WRITE OUT AN AGREEMENT. And if you get bad vibes BELEIVE THEM! I know its not legally binding here in Canada, but it helps people to know its serious if its something they have signed their names to. Call it a "Covenant" discuss what covenant means (its a heck of alot more important than a contract). And take advantage of that counselling.

Also, know that your feelings and mind might change after the baby is born. 50% of the time, parents who had intended to make an adoption plan change their mind after the birth of the baby. Think through your reasons carefully, maybe write then out
and have someone with you you TRUST that can go over them after the birth to see if they are insurmountable or still valid. Plan for your future - have supports in place, know that you are going to grieve HARD and are going to need a place to vent.

God Bless You, and your baby! Jen

[kristy79]

Thank-you for the kind words Jen.

I am one of the few that do not want an open adoption. I have a birth plan, which hopefully works out for my benefit. I am going to stay with an aunt as soon as my maternity leave starts, and I am going to give birth in the town she lives in. The agency is going to be there supporting me and reminding me of my reasons at this time as well my Aunt will be there. I have five nieces and nephews, and I see how hard it is to be a parent and what dedication it takes, even when you have planned for it and are ready for it with your husband. I am allowing myself the option to change my mind, but I hope for all those involved (including myself) that I stand firm in my choice. I am making a well thought out (I have known I was pregnant since week three) and mature decision. The hardest one I have ever and will ever make!


-K

[scout]

Kristy -

It is reassuring to hear someone is going through the same thing. In my case, it is only slightly different. I am 30 and financially could keep the baby. However, I am at a crossroads in my career and plan on moving from the city I am in sometime after the baby is born. For me, it was truly abortion or adoption. I think that I will have a wonderful child though. The thought of giving this baby a good life with two stable parents, to me, greatly outweighs the grief I will experience. I hope you feel the same.

Not that I have lots of advice - I am only four months along - but I did get one good thing from an adoption agency. Try to find a counselor that is not with the agency but is experienced in adoption grief. Especially if you are having a closed adoption and may move around, it will help to have a nonpartial third party to talk to when all is said and done. You may not want to keep going back to the agency for reminders. Hopefully, you have health insurance to cover it. Good luck!

[kristy79]

I too, find it reassuring to hear someone going through the same thing, especially not a teenager. Although, I would never wish this upon anyone, there is a comfort knowing there is someone like me out there. I am so glad I have people responding to my post.

I have been having a hard time finding good counseling outside of the agency. My work covers some counseling services but not the ones I need, perhaps I will have to find other means. I didn’t think about “reminders”, thanks for the tip, I will defiantly keep that in mind.

I am not quit five months, so we aren’t that far apart in our pregnancies. Although, this child is quit the acrobat, I have been doing well with feeling the baby and not dwelling on it, but last night I felt it move when I had my hand on my belly, and for some reason that was extremely hard. I didn't think I would feel this much movement this soon, I just pray there is only one in there (I havn't had an ultra sound yet).

You sound like you are very strong in your decision, what do you do to help get through those days when doubt and fear your decision? Do you have a family picked out?

-K

[scout]

Strong? I don't think so. I think I have been focusing more on the logistics and less on the emotional side. So in some ways, I have been ignoring it. I have also been trying to keep my distance from the baby.

I have my second ultrasound next week and the birthfather is going with me. (I am lucky that he is still around to give support.) I had my first one at five weeks because I had 'weird' cramps and they thought the baby was ectopic. Let me tell you, that was one of the neatest things I have ever done in my life. To see a little life inside you with a heartbeat. But, on the same token, I am gearing up to see the baby at 19 weeks. They will be able to tell the sex, which I don't want to know. I am sure it will be really hard. I am nervous about starting to feel the baby kick.

One counselor that I have been going to said that I was doing the right thing 'distancing' myself if I am planning on going through with the adoption. She said that if I decide to keep it, then be very hard to go back to the adoption option. So, I am trying think of myself as more of a surrogate mother I guess. Well, see if it works in 5 months or a year!

No, I don't have a family picked out yet. That probably makes this path easier at the moment. I am trying to find someone who attended the same college that I did. I figure that way, we will have something in common.

How did you pick your family?

[kristy79]

Ok, I guess strong was the wrong word to use! I too, have been basing everything off of the logistics, until last night. The past couple of days the baby is moving so much, that it is hard to keep that “distance”, but I continue to try and remind myself of my reasons. Don't be nervous to feel it. It is an amazing feeling (heartbreaking yes) but over all fascinating.

If you don’t mind me asking what is your relationship like with the birth father? How does he feel about all of this?

I think it would be incredible to see a life inside me, but only if I can keep it. I have given instruction to the clinic that I do not want to see/hear/know anything. Only if there is one or two babies. I feel that doing this is going to help me to prevent any more unneeded attachments and grief.

It is funny that you stated you think of yourself as a surrogate mother, because I have been doing the exact same thing. When I explain to others how I am dealing with it, I state “I see myself as a surrogate”. But no one understands that and I always get a funny look. I am so glad someone understands!

The agency brought over albums and home studies of families, which met the criteria I gave them. I opened up one album and just knew that they were the right family. I went through all of the albums to make sure I gave everyone a chance, but I always came back to this one family. I had one other family, which I might have considered, but yesterday afternoon the agency called and told me they have been picked. I think it was meant to be, because now I am 100% confident that the initial family I picked is the right one! I just want to let you know, looking through these albums, reassured my of my decision (to some extent). These people can offer everything I can’t, financially, emotionally and physically. I mean, I love this baby and I always will, but is love going to buy the diapers? Is love going to allow me to be a stay at home mom and not have to go to work? Is love from me going to be able to care for this child properly when I am sick,tired, stressed and I have no one to give me a “break”? Love is not going to bring me and this child a back yard to play in, or a daddy to help ou. Seeing these families and how eager they are to have a child, brought me some peace, and I hope it does for you too!

[nelwywed1311]

Hi Scout,
Making reference to your counsellor who said you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from your baby, I believe they are wrong. I believe you need to love and own this baby in order to let it go. I don't believe distancing yourself works because you are only distancing yourself from reality. As your pregnancy progresses and you find yourself feeling your baby kick and loving your baby (very few mothers don't) you will be increasingly fighting your maternal urges. Go with your urges, I say. They are normal and healthy. If you still chose adoption after your baby's born, distancing yourself is not going to have made it any easier. It may be likened to not seeing a stillborn baby after it's been born, for fear of the memory. How many people regret that??? Obviously, you need to do what is right for you, but as a social worker who has dealt a lot with grief, I would never recommend a mother trying to distance herself from her unborn child, regardless of the future outcomes.
Love your child, own your child, nurture your child. It will not make your decision any easier, believe me. It is hell regardless of how you deal with your pregnancy.
Wishing you all the best, despite the traumatic decision you have come to.

[Jensboys]

You know what I agree ... because the reality is that RIGHT NOW you arent a birthmother, you are a mother. The only mother your baby has, and even if you both decide not to parent you ARE parenting right now. It is a great gift you can give your child ... to love it with all your heart (and no matter what you will, even if you distance now once the baby is born, you will love ... it just happens) care for it NOW and then maybe, if its right for you, let him/her go to his/her new family. Denying your role in the baby's life does both of you a disservice.

Now dont get me wrong, its ok to distance yourself somedays or sometimes if you need to but also remember this is a REAL baby, currently YOUR real baby, who, like it or not, is bonding to you right now - your voice, your scent, your rthym. Loving it is part of your job as a mother (and realistically it will just happen!).

I have had biological children and adopted children. It may be important for you to understand that the ambivilance you are feeling right now is sort of how pre-adoptive parents feel - dont want to get too attached in case the birth parents decide to be "parents", try though they might they too attach and grieve if they "lose" the baby. Really, our emotions are on different sides of the same coin.

[orangekitty]

I'm a birthmom in an open adoption...I strongly recommend that you face the feelings that come w/ being an expectant mom & not try to distance yourself too much while you're pregnant. It was so important to me to say hello to my baby before I said goodbye. I don't think that avoiding your baby will help you heal from your loss after you place your child...rather, having the memories of caring for him in the hospital has been helpful during my own healing process.

Also, I strongly recommend an open adoptionBmoms who had closed adoptions have found that the grief they suppressed. Having an open adoption allows me to deal with my grief as it happens, rather than delaying it for 20-30 years.

As a bmom, I support you in whatever decision you make re. parenting vs. adoption. You know what's right for you. But some aspects of the decision need to be refined & revisited after the baby is born, IMO. Some women who are positive they want closed adoptions regret that choice later on, & wish they could have contact. All I encourage you to do is let the adopting couple know that you may be looking for some flexibility in your needs for future openness.

Finally, I do hope you look at the ultrasound. It's really neat!!! My baby's bdad was sooo afraid I would fall in love w/ my baby when I saw the U/S pics. But I didn't really, I knew I loved him but it wasn't a "head over heels" moment- it was just fun.

take care,
Cec
dbs Ben 10-20-00
open adoption

[scout]

Maybe distancing was not the right word. I do love and care for my child. However, I have decided not to be its parent. I am not going to pretend that I am its parent. I am actually following my instinct and urges on this one.

My sister just had her first child last week. Her pregnancy and what she has gone through is very different from mine. She did alot of preparation to become a parent. I am not doing that nor will I. It does not feel right. I am preparing my child to be parented by someone else.

The funny thing is - I think I am more protective and paranoid about it than my sister was. I am so worried that I might eat the wrong thing or that my shower water might be too hot and the baby will have a 'defect'. And the potential adoptive parents will turn it down.

I am hoping I get to spend enough time with the adoptive parents so they will learn enough about me and the father. So they will know more about their child.

So yes, I do love and care for my child. And I am not denying myself any urges. But I am not going to pretend that I will be the parent of the child forever. Knowing myself, that will cause me more heartbreak.

Kristy- the birthfather and I broke up two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about it, he was shocked but promised he would help and support me. It was a bit rocky at first, for a month or two, still alot of tension left over from when we were dating. But now, things are pretty good. I know he might now be here forever, but he is here now and that is what I need. I don't even know what will happen after the delivery.

I hope you have found someone you can depend on. The hard thing is that I am new to this city and my best friends are across the country. So it was pretty scary at first. (I may have just moved back.) Where are you getting the most support?

[scout]

Kristy -

One more thing on open vs. closed adoptions. Agencies have suggested opting for more openness rather than less. Even if you don't think you want openness now, you may change your mind later. I think that legally it is easier to go from open to less open/closed than the reverse since it is all going to be in a signed contract. If the adoptive parents don't want more openness, they could easily deny it after the consent is signed.

So you may want to consider that from a legal stand point before you sign it all away.

[angela1013]

Hi Kristy

It's good to see you have somewhere to vent, I couldn't imagine the difficult decisions you have to make now.

I'm an adopted child who will be also adopting, so it will be a second generation adoption. When my brother & I were adopted everything was so secretive (35years ago). I have no info on my birth mother which to me is an injustice.

When we adopt (hopefully we'll find a birth mom this year) I would like to meet the birthmom and she'll know the family adopting her baby. But thats where it ends. For me, an adoption with a continuing relationship is not the answer. I have 5 adopted cousins (we're a very infertal family) and the relationships were severed. However should my child decide when they are 18 they would like to meet their birthmom & its agreeable to her I would be all for it.

Good luck with your decisions. When you find best adoptive parents for your child you'll feel it in your soul. "From Gods arms to my arms to yours".

Angela