[strosnstars]

Hi,

My name is Laura and I am a birthmother. When I was going through my placement, it seemed all anybody was interested in was the baby and my going through with the placement. How I wished there had been somebody on my side who would have been interested in me, and not what I could give them. How I wish there had been somebody to tell me the truth about how hard it was going to be, instead of making it sound all so noble and romantic. And I wished somebody had told me the truth about "open" adoption and how it is only open as long as the adoptive parents decide (usually closed within the 1st year when their gratitude turns into resentment at your continued presence).
I want to be that person that I wish I could have had while I was going through it. E-mail me at strosnstars@aol.com if you need anything. If you live in the Houston area, I would be happy to come talk to you in person and help you any way I can If your having doubts, believe me, I'm not going to make you feel guilty for them. I would be happy to open my heart and home to any birthmother who needs it. And no, I am not at all interested in adopting your baby. Ive raised 2 children and am happily reunited with my first born. I would however like to help you explore ALL your options, not just the ones that fit into sombody elses agenda.

Love and Hugs to all Birthmothers.

Laura

[lildiana0705]

Laura~
My name is Diana and I totally understand what you are going through. Two weeks ago today on January 5, 2005 I became a birthmother to a precious baby girl. I am only 21 years old and my parents never gave me an option on keeping my child. They asked my sister and brother-in-law to adopt my child since they could not have any children. I agreed at first that it would be a great thing. My family kept everything a private from my extended family. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never agreed on anything. The day in the hospital I never got to hold my child. Every time I heard my sister call herself the mom made me cry and just want to scream I'm the momma not you. The second day in the hospital I finally had the chance to hold her in my arms the first time, seeing those eyes look into mine for the first time made me melt. I couldn't give her up. Like I said I never had the choice. I have noone on my side. My extended family doesnt know that that baby is really mine. My family is telling them that my sister just adopted. I hate having my family lied to, it makes me feel that my own parents are ashamed of me and my daughter. They can hate me all they want, but don't take this out on her. For the time being I will have to put on a happy face while we have company and act like everything is ok, when I really dieing inside. My daughter will not know I am her birthmother until my sister thinks she is old enough to understand. So until that day comes I will be known as the aunt, not the mom. I have no support from my family on taking her back. The birthfather and I still have not signed the papers to make it final, but I am getting threatend by my parents to do it soon. For anyone that is considering adoption or just needs someone to talk to, I will gladly help you out. IF you are thinking about placing your child, let me tell you, its harder then you think. But I am willing to talk and help explore other options.

Hugs to all those who grieve in silence~

Diana
Bmom to Autumn Verona

[VKH]

Diana....you said that you and the bfather have yet to sign the relinquishment papers. If you have changed your mind than I urge you to look into other options!!! You said that you are being "forced" into this but is there a way out?? There must be....the law is still on your side. Diana....I'm going to give my honest opinion here...and remember this is just my opinion...but it sounds like you are not at all for this adoption. You MUST, for your own mental sanity her, reevaluate your adoption plan. Let me tell you that even with the TOTAL support of my friends and family it is hard as heck...and I can NOT imagine going through this with all the lies that your adoption plan is facing. It will fall apart in the future and I guarentee you that the one person that will be hurt in this even MORE than you is your daughter.

Do you need help? Can you contact an attorney or adoption agency in your area that can help you out?

Please pm me if you need support or have questios and I'll do my best to help you out. My son was placed on 12/16/04 so I know the pain that you are going through. His first days he spent with me in the hospital I remember his beautiful eyes looking into mine and there was such trust there. I was his mommy and he needed me to protect him.

(((hugs)))

Vanda

[Big Dreamer]

Hi Laura,

It sounds like you and I are on the same quest.

I am an adoptive parent who counsels potential bmoms and bmoms.

I have no motive other than to offer support and share information so that they can make a more informed decision.

I am PRO CHOICE…whatever the young woman decides is HER CHOICE…I simply provide support and offer them a soft spot to fall on if they need it.

My goal is not to sway their decision one-way or the other however I do stress that there are risks and there are times that adoptive couples close the door on adoptions. Though I don’t agree with that type of behavior I want bmoms to know that it happens.

I also encourage them to have a Contact Agreement though they are not legal or binding it does spell out what a birth mother needs from the relationship. If the afamily doesn’t agree I encourage them to find a family who will agree to their Contact Agreement after all…this is their adoption plan (Bmoms).

My husband and I have a great relationship with our daughters bmom. Our daughter is 21 months old. As a matter of fact I am driving to Houston on Friday to have lunch with H. She has been so busy with school and work we have not been able to connect.

It sounds like your adoption experience didn’t go very well, for that I am truly sorry. My heart aches for you.

I am here if you want to talk, I will gladly give you the support that you need and I will gladly be the soft spot that you need to vent. I can’t fix the past however I can help you as you move forward.

You are an incredible individual who has placed your child in the arms of an adoptive family. You deserve to be treated better. I promise you not all afamilies close the doors and turn their backs on bfamilies.

You have every right to be hurt and angry because you have been treated unfair.I can't take away your pain however I can and will listen.

I am also great at giving hugs

How long ago did you place?

What can I do to help you on your journey?

I am here for you and anyone else who needs me…I really do care,

Diana,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I cried as I read your post. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I am here for you...

My baby just woke up. I will write you soon.

Hugs to all,

Maria

[Montraviatommyg]

I absolutley agree with what you have to say, I'm a bmum whose bson was adopted 23 years ago in a closed adoption. The adoption was never discussed and over the years I had nobody to talk to - my husband knew about it but only because my sister told him after we had an argument.

My bson searched for me for 5 years but I found him by accident but as it has turned out our reunion has got better over the months. It was difficult at first as I suddenly had to deal with my emotions, hurt and pain but at the end of the day it's not his fault he was conceived, born then adopted. Despite me pulling back at times I perservered and am glad now as his desire to have a relationship with me has been overwhelming in a nice way.

I finally got counselling but it has come a bit late as I have worked through the major issues with both my bson and husband.

Montraviatommygun

[Big Dreamer]

Diana,

I am soooo sorry that you are having to go through this. If you really want your baby back then by all means DON'T SIGN the papers.

This is your baby...you get to decide who she is with if that is you then by all means GET HER BACK! If you decide to find another family that is your choice!

Check with Planned Parenthood and any state agencies such as WIC (Women Infant Children) it is a program that can help you get food stamps and they can probably point you in the right direction to get state assisted medical insurance for you and your baby.

As for finances, the state may be able to help you get a job and daycare.

If your parents won't let you stay see if you have a friend who can step in to help.

Yes keeping your baby will stress your parents out and it will stress your sister out however...you deserve to have your daughter with you if that is what you truly want.

If we don't ask for what we want in life we will not get our needs met.

Your family may threaten to disown you but you need to decide how important it is for you to have your daughter. Believe me...I have been disowned a few times and its not all that bad.

I have lived through it, I have a close family and it hurt but I stood for what I believed and my mother didn't agree. She now understands that I am my own person and it is ok to disagree she loves me and tells me often.

Having a baby at 21 will be hard, you may have a hard time achieving future goals such as school etc however...many single people raise children and still find time to follow their dreams.

This is a hard decision and only you can make it.

By the way...if you want other people to know about your baby then you should hold your head up high and speak proudly of her. She does not need to be the "deep dark family secret".

This is your secret to tell. I am a strong believer that secrets kill...how many times have you heard of someone jumping off a building because they were lied to all their life.

Hold your head high and stand proud Ms Diana there is NO SHAME in having a baby at 21.

I wish that I could be with you to help you through this, HUG HUG HUG...

Keep me posted and let me know how you are doing.

In the mean time know that you are not alone...

I will be here for you day or night...

More Hugs,
Maria

[VKH]

Diana...I also just wanted to say that you might come to the conclusion that adoption is still the best option for you which is great!!! But think long and hard about whether you want your sister to adopt your daughter. I don't have any regrets for the adoption plan I made for my son but if my sister had been the one to adopt and raise him that would have been a whole different story. I could not just stand by and watch her raise my child and have him NEVER know who I really was. It would be a complete and total lie to him and so unfair to him.

The truth shall set you free.

We're all here for you girl!!

Vanda

[numbr1dbcksfan]

((DIANA))

If you have not signed your papers yet...you are your baby's one and only mother! Please call for help...call a woman's shelter, Planned Parenthood, DES anyone who you think may be able to help you! Call your family and tell them what your parents are trying to force you to do...maybe someone WILL give you a place to stay! If you need help finding resources let me know what area you are in... I can dig around for you! But please, please, please knowing how you feel now, don't let anyone force you to give up your child! There IS help out there! This is forever!

We are here if you need us!

Christine

[spitzlvr]

I hope no one gets angry at me for adding to this thread. I am an adoptee. I felt I had to respond to Diana. Diana, that is YOUR child. If you want your baby with you, then so it! Christine will help you (I have seen her help others). Please don't give up your child if it is not what YOU want to do.

You are now a mother The needs of your child come above the wants of your parents. Do what you need to for your child.

I reunited with bMom in May 2004. If she were you (circumstances) I would be appalled. It would kill me to know I caused that kind of pain to my bMom.

Please, if you want your child, get her!

[missingmyboy]

Hi Diana,

I am a bmom to a little guy who is now 10 months old. I have "met" many bmoms online. I can tell you that I have never seen anyone in as much pain as the bmoms who had no choice! Diana this IS YOUR CHOICE. Don't let them take that away from you. YOU ARE YOUR BABES MOMMY! You will resent your whole family if you go through with this when you don't want to. It really sounds like you do not want to. If you really want to parent your child and not have her adopted by your sister then I beg of you NOT to sign those papers.

There are supports out there for young single moms. I would suggest you contact a social service agency that can help you get the help you need to raise your child on your own if that is indeed what you desire.

Being a bmom is very difficult and very painful for all bmoms. However being a bmom who didn't have a choice is even worse. Please think about this.

Your family may not support you in taking back your daughter. However your family won't support your feelings as a bmom too. So you are left without their support no matter which way you go. Wouldn't you rather have your daughter and no support from family then not have your daughter and no support?

Good luck.

Shell

[bromanchik]

Diana,
PLEASE do not sign the papers if you are not sure. You are your daughter's mother and the decision is yours. If you need help finding resources that will enable you to parent please contact me. (Click on my name. It will connect you to my profile.) My contact information is on my organization's website. There is a toll-free number there.

I am here if you need me.

[ellemeth]

Diana-

I 2nd or 3rd or whatever... the advice not to sign the papers unless you are sure. I'm 21 with a 3-year-old daughter that I'm parenting. It is harder than I ever imagined but it is possible. If you want to keep your daughter, anything is possible and it will all seem worth it. There are state agencies that will be able to help. Even the college I go to has been very understanding.

[lildiana0705]

Ladies~

Thank you for all your advice. It has helped me figure things out. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I have decided to take my child back. I know it will not be easy, but then again nothing is. Where there is a will there is a way. I have the will to be my daughters mom. I know I may have to put my dreams aside for a while, but that is what it takes to put my daughter first. I am willing to help any other pregnant women who are considering or have no support from their family. OR if they are forced to adopt. I have to be strong for my daughters sake and have her know who her real mom and not be brought up into a family of lies.

Thanks again

Diana

[6boysrus]

Diana,

Good for YOU not to let anyone sway you from what you know is true in your heart.
The pressure I am sure was and has been difficult to resist. I am proud of you that you made the decison to raise your daughter no matter what the consequences are.

Remind your family that you are an adult, not a minor and you have the ability to make decisions for you and your daughter without any interference. You are the Mother of this child and they can try all they want to use scare tactics on you, but YOU and the father have the rights to raise your daughter.

The reprecussions of your parents and your sister will, I am sure, be unpleasant. Hold your head up Diana and know that LOVE is what is motivating you, shame and anger is what is motivating them.

Love is what is most important to your daughter.. not shame and anger.

God Bless---

[numbr1dbcksfan]

That is great Diana! Did you find all the resources that you need?? I am SO happy for you!!!