[thebiggestboss]

my sister is pregnant and she is only 20. its not her age that i am worried about it is that she is in college and she really doesnt want a child. i want to help her but i am not sure what to tell her without being pushy. she only has a year and half of school left and i am worried she wont finish. i am 1200 miles away so i cant be much help to her. i would love to help her. any advice would be appreciated. thankyou

[searchingwriter]

hum. Ask her what she wants to do and go from there.

Jessica

[smileygirl]

thebiggestboss~

Have you talked to your sister about what she would like to do?? I am also 20 years old, but I am married and due with twins in February. I am also in school, (2 years left) but I am deciding to put school on hold while I invest my time in being a stay-at-home mommy. Is you sister in a committed relationship? Has she been informed about her option in regards to this pregnancy? I wish the best for you and your family!!!

[thebiggestboss]

she says she is keeping the baby and staying in school. the father says he will be involved but im not so sure. she wants me to move there so i can help her take care of the baby. that is a big move for me and my family. i have tried to convince her to send the baby to me while she finishes school but she says she is not sure she can do that.

[evansmum]

What about transferring her credits to a school nearer to you?? I don't know if that's possible, but it's an idea.....

Right now you are both sounding unreasonable. It's not fair for her to ask you to uproot your whole family to move out there... but it's also not fair for you to tell her that she's got to send the baby to you..... although it IS wonderful that you would be willing to do that for her....

Do you have your own kids? It sounds like you do. Because I KNOW when my children were born, wild horses couldn't drag me away..... I suspect that she'll feel the same way... My first son was almost 3 when I finished college. Most colleges and universities have on-campus childcare nowadays, there are grants which can pay for her daycare (or an addition to her student loan). It's definitely not easy, and usually not very "fun", but it CAN be done with the right support.

What you said was right though. Your sister's 20, she's not a child, and even if you think she's making a horrible mistake, you can't tell her what to do anymore.

i have tried to convince her to send the baby to me while she finishes school but she says she is not sure she can do that.

----- Right there, just by saying that, you are projecting to her that you don't have any faith that she can do it (remember, I didn't say that you don't think she can do it, I am saying that's how that would have sounded to me)..... you need to be positive and supportive of your sister right now. If you can't move to her, tell her that, it IS okay that you can't.... but also think of ways that you CAN be helpful to her.

Try looking up on the internet for government grants for tuition and housing, particularly for students who are parents.

Try to get lots of second hand baby stuff for her, so that it doesn't cost as much for her to get ready for this baby.

GOOD baby gifts -- gift certificates, gift certificates, gift certificates... especially if you are so far away. This way she can go to the store and get the things she doesn't have yet.... and you know that it's something she needs....

You do sound like a wonderful "big sister", and you are going to be a great Auntie...... you just need to remember that your "little sister" is NOT a "little girl" anymore. As much as you are tempted to tell her what to do because you've been there and KNOW it's right, doesn't matter....... she needs to learn it on her own...... and as hard as it is to sit and watch her make mistakes.... you can't fix them, you can only help her up when she falls, and send her on her way again.....

I wish you both the best of luck, and tell your sister if it's a boy... Evan is a wonderful name..... <wink wink>

[searchingwriter]

at least she still wants to finish school! that's a good sign. And the transfer credits idea is a good one, try going with that.

Jessica

[thebiggestboss]

when i said i tried to convince her to send the baby here, that isnt exactly what i said. i told her that if she needed me to take the baby while she finishes school i would. i have 2 children of my own so having another in the house would be tough. but she understood what i meant when i said i would take the baby temporarily so she could finish. i just didnt want you guys to think i tried to take her baby because i thought she wasnt able to care for it. i just worry she wont be able to finish school, work, and take care of a baby.

[thebiggestboss]

the school she is attending is a culinary school and there isnt one of those here. plus the scholarship she has is for that school only.

[searchingwriter]

hum, that makes it a little more complicated. Ask her what she is going to do with the baby while she attends school and see what she says.

Jessica

[evansmum]

Ahhhh, gotcha......

That's okay, I didn't mean that you DID think she was incapable either. That's just the impression that came from the post....... it's sooo hard to get the *meaning* of someone's post without the sounds of their voice, isn't it?

Even if she still has to go to the same school, there should be grants or bursaries available to her to help her finish college. Now, you've got me wondering if such a thing is available... I know there is in Canada, that's why I mentioned it...... I am going to check some things out for you.

I'll let you know.....

[evansmum]

Ok, I don't know what State your sister is in, but I did find this site. You may want to check it out.

It's kind of hard, being in Canada, to understand if your sister actually qualifies for this program, but it'd be wonderful if she did...

http://www.ed.gov/PressReleases/10-2001/10052001f.html

It lists all the states that offer this program - helps students pay for child care expenses in order for them to continue their education. There's lots of contact numbers, so if the state she's in isn't on there, you may want to try calling. The press release is dated October, 2001, so it may have changed a bit by now...

I really hope this helps, but just in case, I am going to keep looking, because I'd hate for her to have to give up her education for her baby. Technically, it would hurt the baby in the end if she drops out as well, as she won't have as many employment opportunities without that diploma........

Good luck

[evansmum]

OH, also, she should check with the Department of Child and Family Services in the town/state where she is living. Usually they will have a childcare and/or housing subsidy available as well. If they do, it'd probably be a good idea for her to apply NOW, as the waiting lists are most likely astronomically long......

Just some ideas floating around in my head.... I used DCFS (up here it's FCS - Family and Children's Services) for about a year to subsidize my childcare expenses. I think I ended up paying about $3 a day for daycare, compared to close to $25 full price. Now what student can actually afford to pay $125 a week for childcare???????

OR OR OR.... if your sister DID decide that she wanted you to take the baby for her to finish school, you may want to look into becoming foster parents in the meantime (before the baby is born)...... She CAN enter into a voluntary fostering contract with DCFS for a specified period of time, in which the baby would live with you, but the State would assist you in the costs of caring for the baby for the 18 months or so until your sister finishes school..... kind of a temporary guardianship situation.....

Sorry, these things just keep popping into my head.....

[thebiggestboss]

thankyou all so much. i appreciate all of the advice. i agree it is hard to understand what someone is really saying without hearing the voice. thankyou for understanding what i was trying to say.
well i think i am just going to have to move and be the big sister.
lol
the biggest problem with me being the big sis is that i have only known her for three years. my mom never told my dad she was pregnant and i didnt find him until 3 years ago. however i feel such an attachment to my new sis. so i really want to help her.
i feel like i should be there now since i was not there for her before. i know it is not my fault that i wasnt there.
also i have missed so much of her life that i dont want to miss another minute. plus she is begging me to come up there because she is scared.
well i will be sure to let everyone know what happens.
the great news is that she is not due until june so she will not miss her finals this year and she has a chance to recover before going back
sorry for rambling and thanks for listening.

[evansmum]

If you WANT to go to your sister, wonderful, I wish I had had a big sister like you when my son was born.....

BUT.... don't uproot and move your entire family out of guilt..... do it because you genuinely want to move and be closer to your sister. Like you said, it is NOT your fault that you only met your sister a few years ago. She will NOT love you less if you don't go there. She probably doesn't actually expect you to do that. It was probably just wishful thinking out loud on her part. And, it's really a family decision, including your husband, and your children (if they're old enough to understand).

I hope all goes well for your family in whatever decision you make in the end...... please wish your sister luck for me.......

OMG, funny, did you notice that we haven't mentioned her b/f once in all this?? Guess we know OUR opinions on men and birth - they just don't really mix that well, huh? If he's there, great. If he's not there, she'll survive.... I did....