[Stell]

this is my first time here. After 32 years I was just reunited with my bdaughter. I have three other children 29, 24, 22. I would like hear from people about the pros and cons of telling my own children and how one would go about telling them? HELP!

[Jensboys]

Hi - I was 16 when my mom told me she had found a "new" sister ... one that she had placed for adoption 11 years (27 years before) before my birth. WOW. What a shock ... I did go through some emotions ... but mostly was concerned for her ... she really let us know how painful it was for her and why it was so important for her to know her "first" daughter. I wanted to know why she had kept it a secret and WISELY on her part she said that it had nothing to do with me or my character but simply because she had been so damaged by the process all those years before she hadnt had the courage ... made me feel a little better about my mom not trusting me with the info. She was as honest as she could be with her emotions and included us alot. Some of the emotions we experienced, which your children might as well, was a bit of jealousy - I enjoyed being the "oldest" and my mom was so keen on including her first daughter in our family that I promptly got bumped from that role - lost out on first grandchild etc... (Got over it quickly though!) Be prepared from some jealousy and insecurity especially as usually at the beginning of reunions everyone is sooo "in love". Maybe ensure (which I know is hard as you will be dealing with your own emotions) that you spend some time without the new daughter with your existing children ... allow them to vent etc... Hopefully it should be easier for you as they are more mature. Maybe also want to address their fears about "inheritance" (some fear that the "new" is out for money etc... and that you are committed to this child ... no matter what. God Bless you on this journey!

[Stell]

Thank you so-o-o much for your input JENSBOYS. I'm gong to tell my children tonight (and am scared). I do feel that it is the right thing to let them know though.

[Jensboys]

Good Luck! I know its terrifying - be prepared for some mixed reactions ... 11 years after finding out about my sister what sticks with me now about that initial conversation was the fear that maybe I didnt know my mother as well as I thought I did ... and what other shocks were going to come out ... Be honest ... mostly I would guess they will question why you didnt tell them sooner. I wouldnt change it for anything though ... especially seeing how much it has helped my mother! Do you have some pictures to bring along? That might help with the reality of the situation. Is your children's father involved with the situation. We also had some concerns about how this new sib would be received by our dad (not the same as hers) - having that support if needed might be nice as well. Let me know how it goes okay!

[Stell]

You've give me some great ideas about what to include in "the talk". I don't know how to get started but once I do I will be totally honest with them. I do have a picture of her and will take your idea of showing it to them. I am a single parent so their father is not involved in this. Thank you for your support!

[Thelma Sisco]

Dear Stell, I read your post I am an adoptee who has found her birth family all except one brother. My advice would be to tell all your children about the adult child you found you might like to get together and have a lunch at your house or a dinner and invite all your adult children to the meal and indroduce them all
to each other , the best of luck to you I don't think you will go wrong if you do this.

[Stell]

Thanks Thelma. I did just that, invited them all over to the house to meet and then we all went out to eat. Went wonderful!!!!!!Thanks for the input.

[VirginiaStegall]

Stell:
My daughter was adopted 32 years ago. I have not found her nor has she found me. I've been looking since October 2002. My two daughters know about her but, my son who is 29 does not. How strange it is but I've been concerned he may meet her because he lives in Maryland where she was placed for adoption. If it happens I pray it will be a good experience. I've chosen not to tell him unless we locate each other.
The very best to you.
May God Bless you and Your family.

[patrisha]

Stell,

I am the reunited bmom of a 33 year old son who also had to tell my daughter for the first time when he contacted me.

She was raised an only child so the prospect of a sibling thrilled her. There was some disappointment that she wasn't told sooner but she quickly got over that.

She & her husband and my b/son get along great and I can't tell you how good knowing they will have each other when I am gone makes me feel (both were only children).

Honestly, I think the kids deal with it better than the parents.

Good luck & Conrats
Trish

[jmisaacs2003]

I'm an adoptee looking for her bmom who just started about a year ago. It took me this long to start because I always worried I would disrupt people's lives if they didn't know. I still worry about that but have decided to take that chance and let her decide if I ever find her.
On the other hand my amom gave up her daughter because she was only 16 at the time. Of course this was in the mid to late 50's and was forced to give her up. She did admit she tried to get an abortion but it didn't work. She only told my brother (who is her biological child) and me(whose adopted) about 4 years ago and we are now 32 years old. We took it great. I was glad to have an older sister. My brother was too. We felt bad for her because it has caused a lot of pain in her life. Our dad had known the whole time. She is in touch with her daughter and has been for many years. She always knew where she was but the daughter contacted her first. I also have sent xmas cards to her and her girls. My brother and I hope to meet her someday. My amom is a lot better now that we know and I'm glad your reunion has also worked out. I think it is easier on older children because they understand things can happen. Take care and enjoy your family!!