[Jami_7]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know thats hard to believe but when i saw your post it felt like I was writing it!! I don't have a lot of advice because i have the same problem but if you ever want to talk please let me know, and if anyone has any advice for me please tell me as well.

[lottidawe]

To my surprise reading this thread has made me quite angry. My story is so typical it's almost cliche. My birthmom was 16 and pregnant with me and my birthdad bolted as soon as he found out. In the care of my adoptive family I experienced the upbringing I am sure all birthmothers(parents) hope for when they relinquish their child; despite my ever-present abandonment fears and emotional detachment.

I realize that for the first 3 to 9 months (depending on your politics) we adoptees are nothing more than a really scarry abortion / adoption debate between 2 selfish people (usually children) who acted irresponsibly. Yes. Irresponsibly. Condoms and birth control do not fail that often no matter how many times they swear that it did.

Nothing I have read in this thread exhibits any concern for the PERSON growing inside of you. You may think you have only the best interest of the child in mind and you may think that my current bit of anger has kept me from seeing that concern in your words. Maybe that's the case. And maybe had I read this tomorrow or next week it would not have touched me the way it did.

Not being "in your shoes" and knowing full well the implications it may have in my own life and relationships, I considered not adding my post here. My feelings are not popular but they are also not unique. Birthmothers(parents) are supposed to be happy their child is in a better home. Adoptees are to be grateful to the ones who cared enough to give them away and to the ones charitable enough to take them in. But all I can think right now is shouting at all the b-parents out there "What the f&%K? Stop being so **** selfish and step up! I am your kid and I am counting on you and you are gonna toss me out and screw me up for life! Get up - get a job and recognize that God has given you a PERSON!! Work hard and love me. Thats it. Thats all life is really about anyway!" But shouting is rude, disrespectful and counter-productive.

My adoptive family is my FAMILY. I love them and they me. There has never been a single moment I wished I was not adopted by them. My maternal birthfamily (including b-mom) have been building our own relationships and memories for 4 years now. My life is a balanced one and emotionally & spiritually I am more connected now then ever before. I suspect age, experience and wisdom / lessons learned contributes a great deal to this as well.

My 30th birthday is in one month. On my 9th day of life I was entered into a contract without my consent and my identity was not only changed but also hidden from me. In Ontario Canada where I was born and reside the adoption laws are such that it is ILLEGAL for me to gain access to my birth certificate or any documents pertaining to my birth or family origins. The search for my birthmother began when I was 16 when I submitted a request to the government to search on my behalf. When I was 26 - 10 years later - I was told that my birthmother had been located and would be asked if she wanted contact. Second only to being given up for adoption, meeting my birthmother was the most significant experience of my life.

Ironically most of us adoptees are fine with being adopted - untill we search. To this day I am overwhelmed by everything about my b-mom and my connection to her. Most of the time I feel like my heart is going to explode because while loving her so much in such a pure way I also grieve for the mother I did not have. We truely are all in this together and I sincerely wish you all the wisdom and courage to make these difficult decisions bearable now and in your future.

My 30th birthday is in one month. I will be celebrating it with my birthmother. With luck I won't be the only one!

[Jami_7]

my opinion is this. the only reason i'd give my baby away is if i KNEW i couldn't make it happy. Its hard for us as pregnant women because there are SOSOSOSO many questions we want answers too. I wish i could see a few months down the road at what happens and then make my desicion. I wish my baby could talk to me and tell me what he thinks of my situation and if he could handle it. I don't WANT to give my baby away. I THINK it might be happier with a complete family, but i don't know. I don't want to spen the rest of my life feeling robbed and incomplete. Knowing my own flesh and blood is out there somewhere. It would be so hard.... I have great job, the support of a wonderful family and i know i could do it. BUT, if i keep him his father would want to be involved. Maybe he'll change and act responsible, maybe not, but thats what i'm faced with. Wether or not he thinks hes the one that can do it. And right now all of his actions say he's not ready to. I wish he would sign over his rights, but he knows he'll regret it. I wish he could see how happy his life can be, although hard, but happy with his baby. I'm so glad that you posted that last reply. It opened my eyes up wider than ever. I've heard so many adoption stories that are truly amazing, but i've also heard it go very wrong as well. Right now i have so many questions running thru my brain. My body is amazingly different. And i already am connected to and feel like i know this little guy inside of me, and you made me realize what i could miss out on KNOWING i can take care of him. Thank you, and please keep posting opinions everyone!!! THEY ARE SO HELPFUL!!! The smallest things mean so much. I'll end with this:

To the world you may be only one person, but to one person you may be the world.......