[hvyhart]

To Whom it may concern,
I am searching for help in a pretty heavy duty crisis in my family . First let me say I feel like a complete idiot..a mother who has failed her child. My daughter whom is only !4 gave birth to a boy 4 weeks ago. I did not know she was pregnant!!! I took her into clinic because she was not feeling well and approx. 4 hrs later she gave birth,and I lost my daughter...my child, she is now a mother and no longer just another teenager. We have always been close ( I thought) and I can't believe this happened without any knowledge. She says she did not know (the Dr. said she could have been in denial).She had never had a menstral cycle and barely has pubic hair. The father is an older boy in the neighborhood-16..I always allowed the neighborhood kids to hang out here. But not when we were not home. Apparently one night when I was at a Girl Scout meeting and my husband was at a funeral...they decided to experiment. According to the story she tells it was consentual . I never would even guess she would think about it!!
I have been at a real loss- shock - depression, fear ,anger and indecision. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and he took her life away!! I have been amazed at the process , that a girl of 14 can be adult enough to be the person in control of all paperwork - decisions etc..when she can't go to an R movie or drive a car. The hospital had her signing everything. We were all in such shock we had no idea what to do. The hospital social worker contacted an adoption agency for my daughter to work with and they were the first ones to say it needs to slow down before a decision can be made. I have been taking her and myself to counselors..and we have talked ,but when I attempt to get her to talk about the decision she skates around the facts. Sometimes she gets real angry and says everyone wants me to give him up so I just will...make everyone else happy. We have had great pain and despair. I love my daughter and want to get her through this is the best way...for her, and the baby. You see she is also adopted so it puts a whole other layer on top. I need her to come through this with as much of a soul as she can. She most recently admitted that she would like to make someone else happy but is not sure if she will be able to live through placing him out of her life. The counselor told her an open adoption is only as solid as the adoptive family allows it to be. There are no guarantees once the papers are signed...she is so confused. And I am too!!I have no clue what to do...she is only 14..We could use any good resources you could recommend. I am at a loss...also any good bible verses that may help our despair, our souls..Please help us if you can..
Thank You

P.S. The question was asked where Alex is..he is currently in foster care until a decision is made. She is supposed to give the adoption agency the answer today......I don't believe she knows the answer.

Edit 10/23
I want to Thank those who responded...from the heart. Just hearing others life dilemmas helped me. My daughter has decided to parent her child. Although I am sure he would havvvve had a less painful llife with a couple waiting for a family...we will make the best of it. He is beautiful and happy.....God must have a reason behind this ...I just can't imagine what it is. Let me Thank you again...for caring enough to share yoour thoughts.
P.S. I have never been able to get into the Chat rooms..any tips??

[lQQkn4u]

I'm not sure what kind of resources I could give you but I can tell u that i'm a 19yr old daughter who was put up for adoption back in 1983....a few months ago, i was placed in the same situation as ur daughter. i had the choice of keeping the baby and losing vrething-my boyfriend(the love of my life), my friends(or so it seemed), and my future. unfortunately, for me, my family wouldn't have been there one way or another. the other choice i had was to give the baby up for adoption. i didnt know what to do and i was scared to death aboout everything(i had gotten pregnant out of a date-rape at a party i was attending). now, they say everything happens for a reason and i guess its true bc i ended up not having the baby-it was out of my control, i might add. but if i had ended up having it and my body had allowed me to, i never would have given her/him up. i guess its a totally different feeling when u look at ur life as an adoptee and then look at how ur childs could end up if he or she was adopted as well. for me, it was terror. i hate that i was adopted into the family i was-there was only love and support from my gma, not my parents, not my brothers or sisters and certaintly not my mother which made me feel like my daughter or son would be living through hell as well. i didnt want to put my child through that. now, say i had lived a great life as an adoptee, i still dont think i would give up my child only because i know i have MANY unanswered questions about my background, heritage, and "real" birth family. before u "push" ur daughter into giving up her son, think about how it could be to her to know that her child would be living in a home with a family, open adoption or not, and not knowing if he was ok or if he needed her. and also think about ur grandson.....u c ould help your daughter raise her baby and yet, still have her a part of his life as well....good luck and i hope everything turns out well.

[Addie02]

I am sorry to hear you are in such a heart breaking situation. I am a birth mother and although it is not easy it is the best thing I could have done for my child. There are many reasources out there unfortaintly they are hard to find sometimes. Is your daughters baby living with you ? If so as time passes it is going to be even harder for her and you to give the child up. When I was pregant they had placment homes (like foster care only through the agentacy) for childern of unsure mothers to stay until a decicion was made. There is also this place called Mooseheart that can help people in situations like yours. You might want to check it out. Keep talking with your daughter she is bound to me emotional and very confused. I don't know any 14 year old how isn't. And her situation can only make it worse. What ever she decides to do be there for her and support her that will make things easier regardless of what she choise to do. Don't give up hope. one thing I have learned through all this is that things happen for a reason. It may not seem like it now but if you support your daughter she will makeit through this and be a stronger person for it. The best of luck. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

[lQQkn4u]

hey rosie....even tho this isnt my post to write to u, i just wanted to tell u i know how it feels to have ur parents look down on u and refer to u as a sinner and a disgrace....my paretns did that to me since the time i told them i was raped when i was 14.....and then when i was date raped up in college this past january, they only did it more...yes, she needs to b there for her daughter...and if you are reading this, please, dont turn ur back on her. i know first hand, even tho i may not b a mother, how it feels to have ur parents do that to u.....good luck and again, be there for ur daughter. u sound like a great parent.

[blittle]

I cannot imagine what your family is going through at this moment. I will say that we were involved with an adoption that had the same circumstances. Our bmom went to the doctor, was examined and told she may have a massive tumor. 6 hours later a baby girl was born. This young 16 year old had gone to prom the weekend before and had ran in a track meet that week too.

God has a plan, even when we think not. We were introduced to our daughters mom at the hospital and she had a week to decide if she would parent or if she would give us the opportunity we longed for. We met with her many times in that week and continue to see her twice a year and have many phone calls and pictures sent throughout the year.

If the agency is pushing you. You need to find another agency. You have all the time you want to decide. We are using a Christian agency and if interested in their help, just send a message to my box and I would be happy to get you their phone number. Sometimes it is to your advantage to get advice from someone not directly involved.

Be there for your daughter and give her time to grieve and to realize what changes her life will hold with either decision she will have to make.

God bless and you will be in our prayers
Brandi