[Unusual81]

i'm 21 years old and i just found out i was pregnant. now, i'm pro-choice but i would never be able to abort . i don't have the means or the emotional means to support a child. the father, whom doesn't know yet, doesn't have the means to support a child either. adoptoion seems like it just may be the only choice here, after talking with the father. But a part of me wants to keep the baby. a very strong part. i know what should ultimatly be done but i can't ignore whats in my heart. someone, anyone, advice for me? thoughts? i just don't know what to do!

[Jaimie02]

Hello
I know that you must feel beyond scared.
I know that you are feeling a flood of fear.
I know that you must be wanting to do what is best for the child.
Just remember you need to set your self aside and plan for your child.
There are ways to do it if you want to really in your heart.
Do alot of praying and alot of thinking with the consult of people that are close to you.
I am here if you want to talk to someone outside that has nothing to do with the situation. Workonly3126@aol.com

[Sabra]

Dear Unusual81:

Thoughts and feelings must be racing through your mind, dear one. Take a step back and a deep breath. You are not alone as you journey these next 7 or 8 months. (And after which is so important!) There is help. Some of that help is provided for you by this web site at http://www.birthmother.com The articles and workbook are written by a birth mom that relinquished once and parented as a single mom. She is now married with two more children (4 in all.) She is a talented writer and her writing can help you sort through so much.

As different thoughts go through your mind and your truly search your heart....try to realize that you know yourself best. You know what you can "go at with all your strength." And what you know would be way, way too much. It may not seem in focus at this point. You are not expected to know all the answers.

You are doing the right thing to come and ask questions that makes me realize you have something special to begin with. Please keep reading, gaining knowledge and understanding. Prayer and reflection and writing things down will be so important. Knowing your resources and thinking through where you would sincerely like to be in your life in 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 15 years may help you to keep things in perspective.

Only you truly know your circle of support, friends, people that would be there for you regarding either choice. You may wish to speak with them or write them a letter to grasp what they can do and cannot do. It is best not to guess at what support you would have but to dialogue with people about it. Remember that people may say that they will be there but for reasons beyond their control they cannot. Make a plan B how would you do if plan A was not possible.

Taking steps towards each option by talking through with key people in your life is important. You will need support if you relinquish or you parent. It would be so neat if someone close to you could read some of the articles on http://www.birthmother.com also. It would be so neat if someone you were close to cheered you on in your research.

If you do not have that person nearby to you, please do not feel alone. There is warm caring support here. We will check back on this board and others for questions you may have along the way. There are many that have traveled down the road that is awaiting you and they do come on to this web site. While either option will not be easy; some unbiased, caring people are here to give you resources to aid in your decision making. In that way we are together with you on your journey and truly want what you want and can help lead you to the resources that can help so that the process is not so very overwhelming.

Do not be afraid to post what you are going through. Please do not try to locate adoptive parents through Adoptionforums.com that is not the purpose of this forum. This forum is for support, resources and encouragement. If anyone is contacting you and you do not desire this please let me know. You have a right to your privacy and your own decision.

Be good to yourself during all of this. Try to take time for yourself by doing healthy things.

My best to you. You are in my prayers.

Sabra Cossentine
Community Director for Adoptionforums.com
http://www.adoptionforums.com
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org

[donnaevans]

black Hello,
Hello,
I am so amazed at how the boards really do work that I just
had to let everyone know. I posted back almost a year ago.
I have been looking for my bfamily,mostly my bmom. I never
got any responses and finally my hopes died right along with
my old computer. Just this past month I finally got a brand new
one and went back online. I was going through some of my
old posts and the more I looked the more discouraged I became,
I was just about to give up when I saw a reply. I was tempted
not to even look for fear of more heartbreak. I did anyway and
to my suprise and joy. There was a girl named Janette who said
that she had been looking for me. She posted this reply back
in April. She left her email addy and I emailed her. She took a
couple of days to respond but when she did it was with a phone]
call to let me know that she is my sister. Our mom died in Jan.
of 1994, but she loved me and thought of me every day. She was
told that I had died by her mother and that was done so that
she could try to get on with her life. She later found out that
I was indeed alive and she could not find me. But after her death
our aunt Shelly told her about me and she set out to find me.
So my sister and I have talked and I have also talked to my
Aunt. And through them I have learned quite a bit about my
mom. I know that she loved me and thought of me every day.
And to me that is just as good as it could ever get for me.
I might never get to meet her but I hold her in my heart as
she did for me for 25 years from my birth to her death.
My son died on Feb. 14 of 1994 and I know that she had to go
and greet him. That in my heart makes it ok for me to have lost
them both, him before I had a chance to get to know him by
wathching him grow into a man and her by never getting a chance
for her to watch me grow into a woman. I will meet with my sister
on the first week in Nov. of this year and I can not wait.
The relationship that we have now over the phone and email
is great I cant imagine what it will be like to wrap my arms around
my little sis for real and my moms sister.
Well I just had to let everyone know that these boards
are a miracle and for everyone to remember never give up.
There are angels out there just watching. I know I have 2 of
them.
LOVE,
Donna now Dorothy forever

[Addie02]

I know what you are going though is very hard. It is probably one of the hardest decisions you will every make. To keep your child that you are not sure you can support or to give your child to another couple. I choise to give my child to another couple. It was the best decision I every made. In my 9 months of research and soul searching I found many other options thoough. Homes that helped single parents, money aid, and this place called Mooseheart. I don't remember all the details, but I do know that they can give your child a home untill you are ready and able to care for that child. I really don't remember how it worked. It was through an organization called the Moose Lodge. You might want to see if there is one in you area.

I still choise adoption because I wanted my child to have two parents and it would be a long time before I was ready to care for my child by myself. It was the best decision for me. It might not be for you. I hope this info helps in your decision making. And with what ever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck.

[2aces]

There are several sites that you can visit to get help with whatever you decide. one of the good sites is www.littleangeladoptions.com or just birthmother.com. I wish you well.

[Mary J. Barber]

Hello. I am a birth Mother and I do know what your going through! I never did get over my baby being adopted 47 years ago. I am looking for her now. After her birth, I was in denile for a very long time and if I were asked if I had a baby I would say no. But as time went on I had to search. Now that I have a computer I can come in here and leave messages all over the place. I like comeing in here evernight and as often as I can. I have not gotten over my baby not being with me. I am very sorry if I am making you feel sad here. I know you are so undesided what to do right now and you probably cry alot, I sure did! Now for wisdom:
#1. Do you like kids
#2. Are you a working girl?
#3. Can you afford to suport a baby?
#4. Do you have family near by and would they give you the emotional suprot your going to need? Would they be your friend?
Now you need to ask yourself if you really want to give up your baby for adoption.
Some cases, it is best the mother give her baby up for adoption. You really need to give it some thought. I hope that you will email me. I will be there for you and give you some of that emotional suport you really do need. I do look forward in hearing from you. My name is Mary. My email address is maryjb830@cs.com Good Luck and God Bless You!

[schatz]

You can only choose from your heart, and no matter what you choose, you will be changing your life forever.

Explore ALL your options as thoroughly as you can. This is too big a decision to approach half-heartedly. Don't make a choice based on someone else's opinion. If you do choose adoption, remember that you are that child's mother up until you sign papers and don't allow anyone to treat you any differently. In fact, run from anyone who looks at you as a birthmother just because you are considering adoption. Realize that no matter what you decide while you are pregnant, you will never really know until you give birth and honor your right to save your decision making until then.

There is a lot of good advice on these boards. Please continue to ask questions. We are here for you.

I know Sabra already warned you, but I want to reiterate, be careful of people who will try to solicit you. This is YOUR baby and only YOU can decide what is best. You don't owe anybody anything.

Good luck in your decision.

[twyla]

What you could probably use right now is some good solid counseling from a loving unbiased source. Bethany Christian Services has 78 locations nationwide and has an excellent track record of helping women with crisis pregnancies to keep and parent their babies if that is what they really want to do. Yes, this is a private adoption agency, but only 20% to 25% of the women they counsel decide to place their babies for adoption. The rest go on to parent as a result of the counseling and assistance they receive totally free of charge. There are NEVER any fees to birthmothers or women who decide to keep their babies. You can find them in the white pages of your phone book or call this toll free number to locate the nearest office to you: 1-800-BETHANY (238-4269)

May God provide the wisdom for you to do His will and may He give you His peace which passes all understanding with whatever decision you make.

Waiting adoptive parents,

[Jurcelay]

There is a place where you can go in free of charge and they will help you no matter what. If you wan to keep your baby, or choose adoption they will help you either way. I think it is a wonderful ministry. I don't know where are you located, but they are in Tennessee. I know they have othere branches. Feel free to e-mail me if you want more information. God bless you in any decision you take.

[Lonely_Jenna]

You have time to consider it... I'm still not done and I feel as though I have been pregnant for forever... but as time has gone by I have become stronger and stronger in my convictions. I am going to give my son up- the father and I both know that when it comes to this we are making the right choice for us and for the baby... maybe your choice will be different- just follow your heart, your mind and your instincts.
As I said- I am not done with this pregnancy yet and I have not given him to his aparents yet- so I don't know everything. I know that in whatever choice you make- you will occasionally feel very lonely and like no one understands (I've been pregnant before) and the truth is- people understand but not perfectly. Give yourself a break- talk it over with the father, research it and think about it... you'll make the right choice.

Jenna

[evansmum]

I was you 8 years ago. I got pregnant at 16 and after I finally told my parents, I was left with the decision on what to do. My parents (adoptive, but I don't think that means anything) were adamant that I have an abortion, and there was NO WAY I was going to do that. So, I fought with them until the *cut-off* date, and then it was too late and they had to stop.

After that was over, THEY decided that I should give the baby up for adoption. I figured that maybe they were right, as they were not going to support me after he was born - where the hell would I go? The father and I broke up about two weeks after the last date I could have had an abortion, but as I said, it wasn't an option for me anyway.

Well, I picked out the perfect family through Family and Children's Services, and waited. About 3 weeks before my son was born, the family I had chosen the profile of, adopted another baby. After that, I just laid low, knowing in my heart I could NOT give my child to someone I didn't completely trust to take him. I didn't tell my parents, the adoption worker, anyone. He's my child, it's still up to me to do what's best for him.

Eventually, my parents noticed, and when my son was born, he came home with me and my mom. This was the right decision for me, it may not be for you. I figured I'd tell you my story, as most of the ones here are "birthmom" stories. I figured you needed the perspective of someone who went a different route - NOT better, just different. (want to make that part clear )

I am soooooo glad that I decided to keep my son. If I hadn't, I would NEVER have been lucky enough to meet him when he was older. He passed away almost 2 years ago at age 5. His little brother, his step-father (I HATE that word - he was dad), and I we so lucky to have had him for that long. I am forever grateful to my mom for helping me through it all, believing in me to raise this little baby when I was only 17, and trusting me to be strong for his brother after he passed away.

I think that had I given him up for adoption, it would probably feel similar to how I felt when he died. I KNEW I was his mom, but he wasn't there anymore. I still get nervous talking to new people, because I always say that I have 2 sons (I DO!!), but then I have to explain why only one is with me. I imagine that a birth mother must go through that every day of her life until someday she finds her child. I just feel like it's lying to say I only have one child, just to make it easier on myself. I have two boys, I will always have two boys, no matter what.

If any birth mothers could respond - is that what it's like? Almost like you have lost a child to death instead of adoption? I imagine that's what it would feel like, but that's it. I can only imagine - I was never a birthmother.

I feel for you, and if you ever need to talk, I will always be there. My email address is a-m.strickland@sympatico.ca. I may not be a birthmother, but I can tell you that you must do what's totally right for you. There are ways you can keep your baby, you just need to decide if that's what you want. Don't worry about adoptive parents either, if they don't get your baby, they will get another one. It's okay.

[schatz]

Meghan,
Losing a child to adoption is compared to losing a child to death, even when the adoption is open. I am so sad for you, but you sound like you are a strong, incredible woman. Birthmothers also struggle with how to answer questions about their kids just as you described.
Anyway, just thought I'd answer your questions. Your advice was very good. It's nice to get a variety of stories. Ultimately it is an individual choice and either one will change the rest of your life.

[momof10blessing]

You must be terrified. I found out that I was pregnant at 17 and I well remember the terror and confusion. I lost that baby to miscarriage, so never had to face giving him up.
I am, however, the adoptive mom to 9 children. I just wanted to let you know that, should you choose adoption, there are many, many families out there who would love your child as their own.
Take your time, consider all of your options (remember, too, that the bdad will have to be behind any adoption plans) and choose what you know is the best thing for this child.
Remember, the moment that you became pregnant you became a mother. Whether you ultimately choose to parent this child or choose adoption, you are responsible for him/her and their future.
You can do this. As hard as it may be, you can handle it- whatever you choose. Just trust in yourself and your decisions.

God bless,

[Chrisitne]

Hi there,

I was 26 years old when I had my little baby boy and he is so beautiful. I could never imagine my life with out him. My husband and I are very very happy. I am 33 years old now. Our little boy is seven years old and we are trying to have more. It is an undescrible love that you will have for your child. I believe you should keep your child. The most important thing a child can have is a mother's love. If the father is there then the father's love too. Trust in time that father will be a very good father to that child. You just can't help it because that little one comes first and you will do anything for your child. I bet if your talked to your parents they would help you and your baby. Belive you do not want to have any regrets later on in life. Because this will haunt you for the rest of your life. Your mom and dad will make beautiful grandparents. They might be upset at first just a little. But in the long run they love you and want their grandchild. I say all this to you because I have been searching for my Husband's birthmother for so many years. I myself do not know what it is like to be adopted but it has haunted my husband since he was
a child. I not saying that he didn't love his addoptive parents. He loves them very much. His adopted father died when he was a little boy. So he only had his adoptive mother that raised him
he was a baby. She raised three boys all by herself. So if you think that this baby that you are carrying could have a better life. Sometimes things don't turn out that way. Thank goodness that
my husband was raised very well with his adoptive mother and
his two brothers and his adopted father for as long as he had
him in his life. But he has always wondered about his birthfamily. Don't get me wrong he loves his adopted mother and
adopted father so very much and always will. Just that I can
remmember my husband saying on the day that our son was
born. He said to me " How can anyone give up something as
beautiful as this." My husband understands how hard it must
have been for her to give him up. So please think real hard. I
know for myself I could never ever give up my little boy. I would
always be wondering and sad and crying for the rest of my life.
You don't want to have any regrets. This is the hardest decision
you will ever have to make. But you know what it will only get
better every day as you see that little bundle of love grow up in
your arms!!! They are your life. So please talk to your parents
and family members and I am sure they will always be there to
help you and very excited for this bundle of love that you will
bring into their lives and into yours.

Life is to short!!! Follow your heart and keep your child close to you and never let go!!! I promise you. You will never have any regrets!!! Not a day that goes by that my child will give me a hug
and kisses and a big smile. They will melt your heart away!!!!

I know you have had a lot of helpful posts here. It's just that I hope you really do listen to your heart. You can do it. They are little angels sent to us. Let me tell ya. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my son being born. When he was born 7 years ago. Well he was a blessing from above because I had just lost my father. My father died at a very early age he was only 51 years old. I wish so very much he could have seen his first grandchild. A child changes your life but for the better. You might think it is very hard right know. But then in years to come you will be so very thankful that you never gave up your child. You may see other children out there, or maybe you have little cousins. But it is so different and undescrible until you have your own child. You love them so very much and they are a part of you. You will see the world through their eyes and be amazed on how much love there is to be seen. They are what life is all about!!!! They are our little angels!!! I hope this has helped you!!! I just don't want you to have any regrets ever. This is commining from a mother who could never imagine her life with out her little boy by her side. I'll tell ya if it wasn't for my little boy being born I don't know where I would be. They might be alot of work at first, but you know what you would not ever want to trade that in. Because they are worth it!!!

I wish you all my best!!! I just hoped I helped a little!!!

You know sometime things happen that you don't plan, but you know they sometimes happen for a very good reason. So please hang in there. You'll see things will get much better. Please don't give up!!

With lot's of love from Rhode Island!!!