[Archive]

Originally Posted By Laurie

I know Im gonna get bashed for this, but I am willing to bet if a lot of birthmothers are really honest, they would say the same thing. I really wish I had chosen abortion rather than adoption. I thought I was doing this really noble thing. During my pregnancy, the couple treated like a queen, with respect, dignity and called me things like "our hero and our angel" As soon as it was all over, I was cast aside like yesterdays garbage. The pictures and letters never came. And now if I have to spend the rest of my life wondering if the promises they made about loving and caring for my son were lies too. Yep, I definetly think I would be able to live with the pain and guilt of an abortion a lot better than this. I read SO MANY stories here of the exact same thing happening to the majority of birthmothers. Does anybody else feel this way? If you could go back and make a different choice, would you?

Love to all Birthmothers,

Laurie

[Archive]

Originally Posted By heather

you are right laurie. my sister really wishes she kept her child or had it aborted. she never got letters or anything like they promised. if saw the couple again i would slap them across the face cause of their lies. they said all kinds of great things to her. as a single woman myself who is pregnant i was going to consider adoption but not now.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Nellie

Will you asked for it. I just cant believe you are saying this. Ask your self if you would tell your child that to his/her face in 20 years. I hope your child never reads anything like that about him/her. I feel very sorry for the both of you that feel that you would have rather had an abortion. You mentioned being "cast away like yesterdays trash" and how that made you feel. I am very sorry for you birth parents that have to go through a adoption of unfaithful and lying adoptive parents. But..... You dont like the feeling of being "cast away like yesterdays trash" will I bet if you ask your children when and if you ever get the privilege to met them again if they would rather be alive and had a life you couldnt have given them or be "cast out like yesterdays trash" due to an abortion I think 99.9 of them would say thank you that your choice was to give birth. I know adoption is not for everyone but come on to have the chance to live is. I know you two are going through something that is very hard and will never go away but please do remember that you did this for the children not for yourselves. And we adoptive parents are very thankfull for this. Again I am very sorry that some people are not honest and true to what they say they are but I hope you can feel beter knowing that you gave life and that alone is great. I hope you can someday met your children again and the feelings that you had in the begining about adoption come back to you and hope you can find peace in your heart and mind for the choice you made for your baby. We are hoping to adopt again soon and when I hear of these things it makes me sad for all. If our birth mom would have kept her app. we all would not be enjoying our 3 year old son today. And yes she gets to see him anytime she wants. We are keeper of our word. She is thankfull every day she chose life. I just wish every adoptive parent was honest and true. I hope the ones searching for adoptive parents can find that. I would love to talk to any parents birth or adoptive about this very thing if you want email me at nellieb@olypen.com

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Nellie

Sorry about that Laurie

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Linda

http://www.lifecall.org/
There is a video at this sight called "The Silent Scream" viewing it might make help make you feel better about choosing life for your baby.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By adoptee

Why is it that adoptees are supposed to be so darn grateful??? No one seems to give a darn that no matter how much our adoptive parents love us, we STILL feel abandoned by our birthfamily. No one seems to care that I, even as an adult, grieve the loss of my birthmother. Even after meeting her, I can't make up for lost time.

And yet, when I talk about the issues I have in my life because of adoption, all I get from people is stuff like "you should be thankful your mother chose life" or "you should be grateful to your adoptive parents for giving you a home." Why? I didn't ask to be conceived, nor frankly, did I ask to be born or given up. The decision to give birth was my mother's alone. I am well aware that had she chosen differently, I wouldn't be here. But after seeing the pain that adoption caused her and me, I wouldn't blame her at all for thinking maybe abortion would have been an easier choice. I didn't ask to be adopted either, and I am really sick and tired of people thinking that adoptive parents are some sort of savior for taking in the abandoned children of "loose" women. My adoptive parents are decent people, but they are not saviors. They adopted out of selfishness: they wanted to raise a baby. Pure and simple. I imagine that's why most of you adoptive parents here are adopting -- you want to raise a baby. Is that a bad thing? I don't necessarily think so, but I do believe that adoption is system that separates mothers from their babies and leaves many adoptees with lifelong issues of abandonment, trust and commitment. (note I said 'many' not all)

I can honestly say that while I love my adoptive parents, I would have been better off emotionally had I been raised by my birthmother. As for the abortion issue, I did get pregnant as a teenager, and I chose to have an abortion because I didn't want to put anyone else through the grief and issues I had as an adoptee. Almost ten years later, I am absolutely certain I made the right choice, and I do not regret it for a second.

So, Laurie and Heather, I do understand what you are saying here because it's exactly the same thing my birthmother says. No, Nellie, I don't hate her for feeling that way. Adoption has caused us both a lifetime of grief, sorrow and regret and I would never, ever tell a woman to chose adoption over abortion.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Caroline

Ive done both. Abortion and Adoption. The pain from adoption is WAY worse and never seems to get any better. Not just the pain of giving her up, but the pain of the lies and abandonment of a couple that I thought cared for me. They said they would always be there for me and I would always know my daughters well being. After they left the hospital I never heard from them again. That was 3 years ago. Your so right Laurie, and I hope all other birthmothers figure it out.

Caroline

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Kim

WOW! Laurie you have serious guts. Your right. A lot of us other birthmothers do feel that way, but are just way to scared to say it. Your not alone sister!

Love,

Kim

[Archive]

I am very saddened to hear of your experiences of adoptive parents not keeping their commitments to keep in touch. As a waiting adoptive mom, I plan to send letters and pictures throughout my child's life and when they are older set up a meeting if birthmom and my child are both willing. I want my child to be able to write or talk to their birth mom so that she can answer any questions they have and hopefully, with this open communication and counseling, if needed, he/she will be able to accept her decision in making an adoption plan for them.
Yes, we want to parent a child and I do not think this is a selfish thing. Just like I don't think that a birthmom is selfish to decide to not parent her child and want the best family possible to raise him/her.
Just like everything else, you have some people that ruin it for everyone else.
Please don't judge all of us by others' and we will give you all the same courtesy.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Missy

Im about 9 weeks pregnant and Ive been flip flopping back and forth on getting an abortion vs. giving it up. Seems like EVERY thing I read here birthmoms get lied to and taken advantage of. Thanks Laurie and Heather. You help make my decision a lot easier. I dont want to get screwed over like that.

Love, Missy

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Teri

I am sorry that many of you-birthmothers and adoptees-have had a difficult time but PLEASE remember that there are many birthmothers and adoptees that feel very good about adoption. There are many adoptive couples that have kept their commitment to birthparents and even gone further. I am one of them. My relationship with my son's birthparent's has grown beyond what we ever discussed preplacement. We speak and email regularly and see each other when possible. They have been our biggest supporters as our attempts to adopt a second time has been so difficult (scams, etc.). Please remember there are honest and dishonest people and that applies to both birthparents and adoptive families. Just do your best to really get to know each other before any final decisions are made.

[Archive]

Ladies,
I am sorry that things did not work out the way they were promised. I read this board to get another perspective as I will be adopting some day once we save the funds. I have seen some good things and some bad and the more I read the more frightened I become of adopting domestically. I have had 2 tubal pregancies which nearly killed me and I lost my babies and my tubes so I can no longer conceive on my own. I have gone through fertility treatments, put my body through heck because I want to have a family. It is now 5 years since we started and we have now started the adoption process. Though my body does not work, I do not consider myself less worthy of having children and raising them with my husband. I have been through the ringer and so much more that I will not even write here but most importantly I must thank you for writing your true feelings. I know that not all birthmom's feel the same but just seeing how many of you do have bitter feelings has confirmed my decision adopt internationally. There are thousands of abandoned babies in orphanages and I would rather go through the trials of international adoption than know that there was someone who regretted me adopting their child. You see, I know that it is so hard for all of us but I could not go through adoption worrying that the birthmom felt she made the wrong decision. I just want to be a mother and have children with my husband. Good luck to all of you and I really am sorry about what you've had to endure.

K

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Caroline

Well unfortunately you (if you really are) are in the minority. Have you ever looked at these boards? The ones that have the MOST activity are birthmothers who got their babies taken from them under false pretenses AND boards for adoptees and birthparents desperatly searching and trying to get back together. Face it. Adoption may seem all sunshine and roses FOR YOU, but Im sure you'll be singing a different tune when your kids are older and want their birthparents back. And if you have any doubt they will..just take a look at the thousands of postings on these search sights. And dont come on to a BIRTHMOTHER board bashing her for daring to speak the truth and express her feelings.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Laurie

Good luck! You have the total right attitude when it comes to adoption! It should be about finding homes for children who need them, not finding that perfect little caucasian infant for a home that wants one. There are tons of children in orphanages who need homes, and you dont have to lie or destroy someones life to be a parent.

Bless you and Good Luck!

Laurie

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Chris

Well, there is a board for Birthmothers here called "Successful Adoption Stories" I went on their hoping I could find a story to inspire you and help you see you made the right choice. Unfortunately, of the meager 28 postings there, non of them are positive and the most positive ones are about a girl named Leigh who decided to keep her baby, and all the birthmothers applauding her for that. So I guess I see your point in a way. As an adoptee, I'm glad my Mom did'nt have an abortion, but seeing the hell these women go through and the hell they are continued to be put through by the adoptive parents afterwards, I wouldnt really have blamed her if she did. I'm currently searching for my birthmom and I hope the pain will end for both of us.

Peace,

Chris