[Archive]

Originally Posted By Echo

I need someone to talk to. I gave my daughter in November of 2001. She was born on March 9th of 2001. She is a year old.

[AmyRae613]

In life there are only so many people that can understand where you have been and where you are coming from. Only so many people that can understand the pain and sorrow of placing a child for adoption, only so many people can understand the joy and love of the same situation. We are a group of women who have been there and are ready to support you. laugh with you, and become very close friends. The group is for birthmothers only and no one else will be permitted.
http://clubs.wanadoo.co.uk/groups/thebmomsanctuary

Follow that link and ask for an invite. I will be asking to know the jest of your story. Like the age of the child, what year you placed, your name and where you live. Oh and what type of adoption you have. We really hope that you decide to join us.

Thank-You,
Amy

[PrettyJester]

I gave up my daughter in January of 2002 after fighting for her for a year, after my mother placed her in H&W custody. There isn't a day that I don't think about her. She is always on my mind. I do see her once in a while, but only when her adoptive mother lets me. SHe hovers around like I am going to take her! It hurts so much that I can't take her and I cry every night for her. But most of all I need friends that have been through this? Can you help?

[lisaann57]

I gave up 2 children , one in 1982 and another the following year. My pain is still there even after so many years. Iguess it will always be there. I would just like to talk to some of you about how your dealing with it and if I can help someone else with my experience then it will help me also. Thanks

[Christmas]

It's good that I 'happened' on this e-pal forum. I have spent the entire nite...(last nite!)..in unspeakable rage, horror over my rage, anguish, anger, anger anger...>>>at all who need this anger directed at them..and then becoming overwhelmed with tears that could fill the earth's surface and 'top off' the oceans.
I spoke 'live' with another birthmother tonite ...and....there is NOThing like speaking with another birthmother...."LIVE"!!! I gave up my daughter for adoption 20 years ago,she is 21 now.I am of the 'closed adoption' era....and so....have never had contact with my daughter...nor...do I know her whereabouts.
My question to all (and especially to older birthmothers in closed adoptions), is....does one TRULY ever relinquish the pain of being seperated from your child? The internet was not available to me at the time...and total Secrecy was 'forefront-on-the-table'...The result of NEVER greiving in the 'proper'..way....MY Daughter--(meaning, downright...get to the nuts and bolts of it---bathe and rage and scream and cry...and GET Support (!!!) part of it)---grieving......soo....I had no outlet to allow these emotions to give expression, to. (Feel like I'm just ramblin'..!!)

Anyway....I continued to stuff and stuff and stuff all this HUGE pent up emotion and it just about 'knocked the life outta me'.....AND...with that..my ability to become and stay intimately close with someone...was truly disrupted and blocked.

My question is this: Can a birthmother...who is ONLY beginning to greive (in more healthy ways)...REALLY get beyond the true depths of 'stuckness'...Meaning..in all actuality....can there be a "Freeing" of the past....a True and MEaningful dealing with it...scraping at ever bit and bitin' away at the crust...so as you go real deep....Yep.....Real deep....to the "SOUL" that 'gave itself away'....when you surrendered your child. In fact..again my question is..."Can you TRULY...with a HECK of a lot of Work...go deep down and "reclaim" that total center of OURS---(yes, of ours, because I feel as birthmothers, that life-changing experience of pregnancy creates a 'new centered heart' of ours.The center of our 'soul'....is the center of the Mother-child bond)

Another question: In all this.."unfolding and tearing away at the crustation"...or (onion.....if it sounds more pleasant!!!), will the birthmother begin to FEEL a sense of "pleasure for the world"....but...more especially..."an INTUITIVE feeeeeeeeling for life, the world in general, and more specifically...to have the Sensitivities Back.....Yep......Back...to open up and be Vulnerable with people...yet...still be real with oneself??

Because this is a "birthmother e-pals" forum...I would love it if anyone can respond...(Even if there are peeps out there with 'collosal degrees in adoption and/or psychology)!!!
I really need someone or anyone or 'lots of peeps' to talk with...regarding these feelings....and if anyone cares to respond...I would very gladly appreciate it!!

[iangeleyes]

I know how you feel......I am of the closed adoption era also. My son is now 19 years old. When I gave him up for adoption, it was in "his best interest", "the right thing to do", and "he'll be better off". Then, after he was born, placed for adoption, he was to forgotten about and just as the adoption was closed, so was the subject. I was expected to know that all was for "the best" and to go on....not for "open" discussion. I have, over the years, told some close friends about my son, they ask a few curious questions about giving my child for adoption, and I would always give them the same responses that I was given to "encourage" me to place him...."it was best for him", "he's better off", etc.... It wasn't until I saw a news show that showed fallen soldiers that I saw a picture of one of these young men, who looked just like my son's b'dad that all these emotions and feelings have overtaken me. I didn't realize how much my giving my son up for adoption has affected my entire adult life. I have started a search for my son, and in the process of searching, I have cried, and cried, and raged, and raged, and then cried some more. But, in reading posts in these forums, hearing other's stories, it helps to feel not so alone, as it is still hard for others who have never been in these shoes, to understand, or even to try or want to understand.....I don't know if it's a fear of the "unknown"...a tabu. I do have a few supportive people in my life, as I hope you all do, but here is where I come for solitude. I can only imagine what it would be like to talk to someone "live" who has gone through this...it must have been great!!! I wish I had the same!!! I wish you the best in finding a way to help ease your pain. It's a long road, but I believe we all can make it to that happy destination.

[hopefulhearts]

i too.. allowed my 2 precious children to be adopted by a family.. it was the hardest decision i ever made in my entire life.. not a day goes by that i dont think of my babies.. or cry for them.. i often wonder how long is this god awful pain going to last.. how long will all this shame and guilt keep eating me alive.. and will i ever make it to a point where i can feel "good" about what i did and not a failure of a mother.. i loved by babies with all my heart and soul..

Kat

[michellemartin]

Hi Kat. How old were your little one's? I relinquished about 3 months ago right after she was born and I'm doing alright. I guess though its different because I never anticipated parenting with this one like I did with my first. I couldnt imagine the grief/pain/anger I would have felt if she were no longer in my life. Feel free to pm me if you want. I stop in here about 2 times a week to see whats going on'n'stuff. This one hasnt been active for so long I lost this thread for awhile but I'll be back from here on out!

[hopefulhearts]

my kids were 2 and 6.. they now are 3 and 7..

[michellemartin]

If you want to chat at all I have yahoo messenger, just let me know. I'm on my way to bed now, but I'll be back on Tue until 1p or after 11P central time. I have my first visit coming up soon!! I havent seen her since her parents dropped me off at home after leaving the hospital. I'm pretty nervous!?! G'nite

[hopefulhearts]

If you want to chat at all I have yahoo messenger, just let me know. I'm on my way to bed now, but I'll be back on Tue until 1p or after 11P central time. I have my first visit coming up soon!! I havent seen her since her parents dropped me off at home after leaving the hospital. I'm pretty nervous!?! G'nite

sorry.. had to put what you said in front of me cause i kept forgetting.. its 2:50am.. and im not all with it right now.. i too also have yahoo and msn.. i am on eastern time though.. first visits can be really exciting.. i wish you all the best with yours.. i will be thinking of you on tomorrow and tuesday.. i hope on everything going well for you..

Kat

[hippiechick]

Bmoms need to unite together, because it is hard. But I do believe there is true healing, though there is a scar. If any bmoms want to chat, I am on yahoo IM at hippiechix2003.

Hippiechick,
bmom of 3
mom of 1

[Robinsmom]

Birthmothers,

I like most of you, was pregnant during the closed adoption years. I was only 15, and even though I wanted to, I was not aloud to keep my baby. I truely believe that it was the worst day of my life, that I had to sign those papers. I can relate to all the feeling you are having, and no, I don't think they ever go away. It just eats at you, and the not knowing, makes you crazy at times. Birthdays are the worst, I doubt, that any of us can get through those, without crying. It is an awful, heartbreaking pain.

I was lucky enough to be reunited with my birthdaughter, early this summer, and to tell you the truth, the pain, can get worse. I found a wonderful, healthy, strong woman, in the place of the baby I remember. She had a wonderful life, and did not want for a thing. Knowing all this, did not make the pain go away, because it opens doors for a new pain. The pain of not having a place in this persons life. As much as I searched, as much as I mourned, as much as I cried, I always thought, that she would have felt some of this to. It is a real eyeopener to learn, that you really were not nessacery, at all. She thought of me once in a while, but not overcome with desire, the way I was. It was more a question of just wanting to know. I can not say that she rejected me, cause she didn't. I can not say that she is not a nice girl, and every mothers dream, cause she is. I am saying, that she has a mother, one who she loves, and has known all her life. Where do I fit in? I can not be her mother, and I am alittle to old to be her friend. I have told her everything I could, everything I had waited to tell her, and it did not change the fact, that she now belongs to somebody else. Its hard to accept. When we are searching, we dream of the baby, the one we lost, so long ago, when we find them, we are overcome with love, with a desire to take up, where we left off. It doesn't often happen like that. We end up, being stangers, with a past.

Am I sorry, I found her, Never, I would do it over again, in a heartbeat. Will I let her go, no, I have come to far, to do that. I guess I will muddle along, and hope for the best. I will try to fight that overwelming desire to grab her and run away, I will step back, and take what is offered. But, if anybody out there can explain to me, what we should do, after we find them, I would really love to hear from you. Where do we fit in? Thats the question of the week. Thank you for reading my story, I'll be waiting for the replies, cause if I know anything at all, I know that you ladies, will find a way to explain all this to me.
Colleen

[kay_b]

Colleen,
I am recently reunited with my bson as of April 2004. Although we were both searching and have started a relationship that I am very overwhelmed and excited to continue, I belong to a web site of reunite birthmoms, that has really opened my eyes. It does not matter if you start off great or rocky in your reunion, it is almost inevitable that our expectations and their's are NOT the same. It may be helpful for you to join and read some of the emails as it is amazing all the turmoil we all go through.

The website is www.bmom.net There is also a group specifically for those that are reunited. I don't know if if will be helpful for you or not, but it has been great help for me. It is so very difficult to not want to bring them full into your life, I understand that so well, as I married his bdad and he has 2 full siblings that he is not ready to build a relationship with, and it breaks my heart, but maybe over time......I can only hope that he wants to continue our relationship at this time..... Is so very HARD.... I know that he loves his a parents very much, and does feel torn about his feelings, but I truly do NOT want to hurt his parents or replace them in anyway, just want to be part of his life.
I wish you blessings in your reunion. Come and join us at the website. You will be amazed!! and it is so nice to know you are not alone.
((((HUGS))))
Kay

[michellemartin]

my yahoo id is in my profile if anyone wants to chat!