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Originally Posted By Feeling Quite Guilty

When I learned I was pregnant, I thought that well if finally it's happened after 31 years then God must want me to have a kid.

Even though I didn't feel ready to risk doing it alone, I told myself that I wouldn't end a life based on my bad decision. Over the past months, I tried to do the right things related to eating, vitamins, exercise blah, blah, blah .... but I really have no maternal connection with this child. Adoption seemed like the best solution, BUT then there's the father....

He is presently overseas and won't be back until probably my 7th or 8th month. He says that he's ready for fatherhood and we had already been talking marriage before the pregnancy.... but I don't want this baby..... I've always felt that I would be a great parent, but only envisioned adopting 2-3 older children (never had any desire to give birth).....

Actually I had considered this when we had relations, but I thought maybe I was being stubborn -- I didn't realize how strong my feelings were against having a baby my body started going through all these **** changes!

Sorry this is so long, but I've got to get it out.... anyway, the father is ready to be a daddy and husband but I'm scared to death about something happening and being a single parent .. I just don't think I have what it takes to be this super Mom and continue my wonderful career as a single parent...

Are there any resources or books that i can share with the father to persuade him to consider adoption? He thinks that my feelings are this way mostly because I am going through this alone (only my sister and best friend know). He truly thinks that when he returns he can change my mind... I can be logical, but this is bordering on gut/heart...

Any tips for this ballooning beast burdened with the guilt of carrying a life that she doesn't feel attached to enough to keep?

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The father has a right to be a father and believe me, everything will change once you have given birth...if you need support, check with your local Crisis Pregnancy Center. YOu need to tell the father and make your plans together.
Good luck to you!

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Look in the yellow pages under counseling and pregnancy. There are so many places that have counselors on had that can walk you through your options and help you explain things to the father. Some states there is no need for the fathers consent for adoption. Other states it is mandatory. There are also many adoption agencies that can help you with counseling and dealing with your feelings.

Marriage is a very big life long commitment. And when you bring children into a marriage that is not built on a strong foundation it will crumble. Your child deserves the very best a loving, stable, safe home life. Can you and he offer that?
Marriage takes a lot of work and the first few years are the hardest. Trying to learn to live with someone who is totally different than you is hard enough, not to mention a screaming newborn that demands all of our attention sure does stir things up.

Hope you make the right decsion. Also this will be the hardest decsion of your life and many people will tell you that your decsion is the wrong on and "how could you ever do that" but this is your child, he/she deserves the best. And a mother knows what is best for her child.
Take care

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Originally Posted By Tanya

Hi there....I know EXACTLY how you feel! I felt the same about my baby girl....the father took off and I lost everything. I even considered some awful things...adoption included. Then something amaing happened. I think it was in my 6th mth...during the time of those wonderful dreams. I had some really strange dreams...but not one of her...until then. One night I dreampt that I had her and we were sitting on a couch in a living room. The lighting was low but I was looking into her eyes while I breastfed her. I knew then that she was mine to love and cherish. God will tell you what to do....just hang in there and believe...*smile* It could be allot worse....trust me.

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I plan to take the advice to go and speak with a counselor (hopefully I don't break down in tears like some wimp), and will suggest that he do the same (if even possible given his location/duties).

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I had a baby as an unmarried mother back in the days when adoption was the only option. I had no experience with kids and was never very attached to them. I did not have the usual emotional trauma when I relinquished my baby. I never had another child and continued in my belief that I would have been a lousy mother and never had any doubt that I had done the right thing. Then my grown up son searched for and found me. At first I wasn't even sure I wanted contact, and when I did finally decide it would be okay I didn't expect to feel any particular connection with him. I expected a polite conversation, maybe one meeting, give him information, the end.

Imagine my surprise when I found out I felt like his mother. My husband says he can tell when I am thinking about my son because of the dopey look on my face, and I recognize that same look on other mothers when they look at their children of whatever age.

I will spare you the details, but my son and I are both convinced that I would have been better for him than his adoptive family was. I wish I had kept him, and I wish I had had more children. Too late for that, I am undeservedly blessed to have him today.

This is just what happened to me. Things are different now, adoptive families are better screened, you can choose the family if you want. I don't know if I would have done a better job picking a family than the agency did or if it would have made a difference, he might have felt out of place with anyone else. When you talk things over with the father don't just try to convince him adoption is the right thing. It may not be. Think about all the possibilities.

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Originally Posted By Melissa Klaus

As I read your letter my heart filled with joy. Not for your pain and anguish; but for the hope my husband and I have that God has a child for us. You see we have been married for 3 years in May and have been trying to have a baby. We have been through fertility for the past year and have found that it makes me too ill to continue. With the thought of adoption ever-present on our minds, we pray for a child to love and cherrish, someone to call me "Mommy" and someone to call him "Daddy". Please realize that we are not all meant to be parents. We are all put on this earth for different purposes and do not feel ashamed or guilty that yours may not be to become a mother. A mother in the sense of raising a child. Your purpose may be to bring a child into this world to the loving arms of someone who cannot have a child of thier own (much like David and I).

There are many types of adoptions available these days and some couples are willing to have the birthmother be a part of the child's life; either in part or fully. No matter what your decision realize that you are fulfilling part of your purpose here on earth and for that you are a wonderful and very worthy person. Don't let the guilt of what you can and cannot do overwhelm you. There are many crisis pregnancy groups across the country that will be happy to aid you with counseling and help you in these difficult days. I cannot say that I know how you feel. But I do know that without people like you there would be no hope for my husband and I. For that I thank you on behalf of all the couples waiting for their baby to be born. If you would like to speak one on one with me please e-mail at letusb1@hotmail.com.

Consider yourself hugged by Missy.

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Hi ,
I saw your message.If you decide to give your baby up for adoption you should pick out the people you would like to adopt your baby find out all you can about them and there
life . I s it a place you would like . As a Mother I can tell you the gift of a child is the most wonderful gift you can give.We would love another child but I can not have any more.May God grant you peace with what ever you decide. Feel free to contact me

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I read your posting and wanted to share our experience with you. We just adopted three brothers (all still in diapers) What a joy they have brought into our lives. We have our hands full and are not interested in adopting for a while. I wanted to give you an opportunity to hear from an adoptive mother who is not interested in adopting your child.

Because of circumstance invovled in our adoption, our boys do not have contact with their biological mother. I wish they did.
They feel so much part of our home and I know what people mean when they say there is no difference when you adopt or deliver your own. Our boys are the center of our lives and we are very grateful to the birthmother. I think about her often because she didn't just relinquish her baby. She relinquished this beautiful baby that we now call our own.

This is a huge decision for you and I don't want to tell you what to do. I just want you to know that your decision could impact the lives of more then just your baby if you chose adoption. There are so many good families and you can carefully choose the right situation for your child.

I will keep you in my prayers. If you need someone to talk to, email me.

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Originally Posted By Debra

Like you I had no thoughts on having a baby, then at 40 I was pregnant, I was already in the process of a divorce so I could marry the baby's father. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Like a lioness protecting her cubs all the instincts came out. My daughter is now 5 starting school the joy is incredible. My only sadness is now at 47 I am unable to give her a brother or sister. We are looking into adoption but agencys want close to $30000. We would rather spend money on our children. than give it to someone else. Good luck though. Once your baby arrives you will feel different.....Debs xxx

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Originally Posted By aking

I can sympathize with you, having had an unexpected pregnancy (except mine was with #3)...I did want another baby, just not yet, so we've been okay. It is a totally overwhelming thing - having and raising a child. If you have the misgivings that you're feeling I would encourage you to consider adoption. I have a sister that would so love to adopt a child, and I can appreciate what an adoptive parent may offer. You're bringing a precious life into the world and rest assured that the life would be treasured...just be cautious in finding that link to a prospective adoptive mom and pray, pray, pray...even if you aren't sure what you're praying for...God will bless you and your baby in ways you can't yet see. I wish the best for you - your story compelled me to answer.