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Originally Posted By Sally

Hi.

I'm 19 and 5 months pregnant. My boyfriend and I were best friends before we got together and have the perfect relationship, except for the baby. We both know we can't keep it, and that decision is even harder because we plan on getting married after college, and knowing we'll have more kids is really hard. We almost had an abortion, even though we are both against it, because we don't know how to tell our parents. He is a pastor's kid and we've both grown up in christian homes, and we both are christians also. We're planning on telling them after christmas, and I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how we should break the news to them. And I'm also curious as to people's experiences with the different forms of adoptions. I know what types there are, but we haven't decided how we're going to go about it, and I was wondering if one form was emotionally easier than the other. Right now I'm just really scared and would love to hear from someone who's been through this before.

thank you

Sally

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Hello Sally, Welcome to the messageboard!

Well, I have been in a simular situation as you have. When I was 19 I was in a crisis pregnancy and when I was 21 I had another. My son was just born six weeks ago. My daughter, Emily, was born in 1998.

I placed Emily in a very open adoption.

I too have always been against abortion, but with my son I was so afraid of telling my mother. The longer I waited, the more afraid I became. I was afraid she would stop speaking to me, even though we are close.

I grew up in a Christian home too. Actually, I was on my way to a private Christian college when I found out I was pregnant for the second time. What would people think of me? I was worried they would laugh or be angry cause I was having yet another baby after placing a child for adoption.

I waited till I was four months pregnant to tell my mother. Actually, I told my daughter's adoptive mother way before my owm mother...we are good friends.

I never did tell her, she found out. Which really hurt her. Now, we are closer than ever. Since I placed my daughter, she had another child. So now she is my mothering mentor.

I believe the longer you wait, the worse it gets. The more your mind tricks you into believing the worse. Of course my mother was mad...but she loves me unconditionally...like I am sure your parents do too.

Now, as far as what kind of adoption you would like to have is up to you, but it is wise to be educated on what types there are. May I suggest open adoption. I have a fully open adoption. Now, no adoption situation makes it easier, but I believe strongly open adoption makes it more bearable.

Here is a great source of open adoption information: www.r2press.com

In open adoption, you can choose whatever your partner and you decide as well as the adoptive parents. The majority of states do not have open adoption agreement laws at this time. Which means, the adoptive parents do not have to keep their word about the agreement you have made before the baby is born. Thay is why you must choose parents who go into adopting comforatable with openess, not go into adopting afraid of it, or 'considering it'. Still, it is a chance.

You can get pictures for a set number of years or months, visits, letters, pictures, give gifts on Birthdays or Holidays, send e-mails, phone calls...the list goes on.

Open adoption takes plenty of love, trust, honesty, communication, commitment, and dedication. It is not easy, but worth it. All sides benifit, but mostly the child.

To see my daughter as often as I do is like a gift from God, one that I get to open each time I see her. It is bittersweet, some sadness, some joy ..all mixed together.

Please keep us up to date on what is going on in your life and with your pregnancy...Congrats to you! Get lots of rest, you will need it as the months progress!

I speak for Courtney and Annmarie and myself when I say we care about you and your child.

Take care,
Skye

Touched by Adoption?
Visit my home page:
Http://www.hannahschoice.homestead.com/hannah1.html

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Hi sweety .. and welcome. I am so glad that came here. I can understand you're being fearful of telling your parents and your boyfriends parents! I grew up in a very Christian home as the pastor's grand-daughter. I am also a Christian.

Telling your parents seems frightening now ... but the best way to go about it is to just be honest. Your parents will be more hurt that you didn't tell them - than if you tell them now. And like Skye said, the longer you wait - the worse it gets. You need lots of time to think about your decision ... and the sooner you tell your family - the sooner you can begin thinking about what the best thing to do it.

I told my parents early on ... but I wasn't considering adoption at that point. I was going to a school for pregnant girls just like me - and all of them were keeping their babies and so I just figured I would keep mine. But then, when I was about 8 and a half months pregnant I realized that I didn't have a crib or a car seat or anything! I started to freak out. So I picked up the phone and I called an adoption agency. I didn't do any research - or talk to anyone about it. That same night - I went into labor. The same day I gave birth ... my son left the hospital without me. I waited too long ... and I didn't know enough ...

I was supposed to have an open adoption - and I met the couple and everything. But what I didn't know was that legally, they aren't obligated to fulfill any verbal agreements they make to me. I haven'ts een my son or heard from them since.

But a week after I relinquished, my grandparents came to me and said, "we would have raised him for you until you were ready." I was devestated.

So - make sure you tell your family. Take your time. don't make any decisions right away! Do your research ... and talk to people (like you did by coming here! good job!).

OPen adoption is truly the best decision to make as I've learned from talking to so many birth mother's in open adoptions. It is difficult to see your child and have to say good-bye after the visit ... but to know and see her/him and see that he/she is happy and loved and KNOWS you is far better than not knowing at all.

I'd encourage you to speak with other bmom's who have open adoptions (like Skye). Talk to your family abotu how they feel, and what they think. Will they support you? Make sure that you, and your boyfriend, ALONE make your final decision. Don't let anyone persuade you, or give you biased information.

Sorry this is so long ... but I truly care and I have been there before ... if you have any questions (and I know you do!!!) please ask them ...
Love and Prayer,
Courtney

http://www.adopting.org/Courtney.html
http://www.adopting.org/MoreThanAMemory.html

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Sally,
I too have been in your position, though I wasn't fortunate enough to have my guy stand by me... I was terrified of telling my parents, but it turned out to be the best thing I ever did. When my fiance ditched me, it was my parents (esp. my mother) who stood by me and were there for me.
As far as the whole minister thing... What denomination is your boyfriend's dad involved with? I was really surprised to find this out, but apparently many have a stated platform on abortion (thanks BTW for sticking by your convictions) which includes what the church thinks ought to be done in order to avoid abortions. I've read the Lutheran one, and it talks a great deal about supporting girls/women in their decisions to choose life. I'm not saying that this will ensure a perfect reception, but it might be a bit of a reassurance that neither you nor him will get immediately disowned or anything like that...
Me, I've got an open adoption, much like Skye, but my son is 2 1/2 months old, so it's still really new. I went to an agency and found his adoptive parents when I was about as far along as you are, and we (well, mostly me and his amom) talked quite a bit while I was pregnant. Originally, I was quite convinced that I'd just hand him over, and walk away. I just wanted to pick them. But Grace (his amom) thought I should be more involved than that, and I realized after he was born that it was much easier for me to be involved than not. It doesn't hurt as much, when I get to see him, hold him, have pictures, and be his godmother. I've seen him twice now, since he was born (they live 3 hours away) and I'm going to see him to give him and them Christmas gifts, next week. I'm totally happy with the way things have worked out. I, too, wasn't ready to be a mother, and I'm 21, so I don't blame you for not being ready at 19.
If you find some way to be involved in your child's life, as godmother, or something, likely as not he'll get to know the kids you'll have later with your boyfriend too. Honestly, I worried about the same thing, but as someone pointed out to me, your child won't know life any other way. He'll just have more than the usual number of people to love him!
I have to warn you about one thing, though. I got from the tone of your message, that you've pretty much decided that adoption is your solution to this unplanned pregnancy. I applaud you for that. It may happen that either one or both sets of parents will push you to keep your child. I got pressure from my grandparents, for example... I've seen it where people were pressured to keep, and they ended up resenting their children for it. Please, whatever you decide, make sure it's your decision, and that you're making it freely.
You, your boyfriend, and your unborn baby are in my prayers.

Annemarie

PS-You can come and chat with more birthmothers at www.delphi.com/adoptionfamily
(including one who's pregnant right now!)