[adopted-identity]

I'm posting this here because I hope someone who has been through this can offer me some insight;

I reunited when I was 19, and I'm 40 now. We have had a long and deep family-like relationship. Last week I finally asked my natural mother if she felt she was coerced to give me up, and I asked why she married my natural father (they divorced 10 years later with no additional children). She told me to ask him (who I am not in contact with) and said she wanted to end contact and basically dumped on me like I'm a horrible person for asking.

Any thoughts?

A-I

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

Originally Posted by adopted-identity

I'm posting this here because I hope someone who has been through this can offer me some insight;

I reunited when I was 19, and I'm 40 now. We have had a long and deep family-like relationship. Last week I finally asked my natural mother if she felt she was coerced to give me up, and I asked why she married my natural father (they divorced 10 years later with no additional children). She told me to ask him (who I am not in contact with) and said she wanted to end contact and basically dumped on me like I'm a horrible person for asking.

Any thoughts?

A-I

Maybe it's just to painfull for her,she feels he's the reason they didn't have more kids,maybe why u were given up.I don't think that's a reason to stop seeing u,maybe the ? u asked is way to painful her.

[Sunshiny]

I am sorry this happened to you and really your mother does not have any justification to shut you out like that. I don't know her reasons and sadly unless she tells you then how could you or anyone know?

I actually have a sister who did the same thing to me. I am a painful reminder of her past which she chooses to forget. Perhaps your mother is doing the same thing.

Sometimes people cannot reconcile who they were in the past and who they are now. They get very conflicted and in the moment they feel the same bad feelings they did back in the day. She probally needs some counseling or help to realize that the past does not define the present or the future. Hope that helps.

[adopted-identity]

Thanks for your responses. I'm sure it was painful for her, but we have been reunited for over twenty years....I guess that's the part that bugs me. I completely accepted her into my life, she is a grandmother to my daughters. She just rejected not only me, but her grandchildren; who loved her their entire lives (7 and 14 years old), and saw no difference between her and my adoptive mother. They miss her and don't understand why she stopped talking to them.

She wrote in her message to me that she feels she can't be who I want - but I don't want her to be anyone other than herself so it's hard for me to grasp what she really means by that. She has said stuff like that since the beginning, but again - 22 years(?!). I have never asked anything of her other than things like "wanna go see a movie?" I just don't get it. I want to be sure that I'm not in denial - maybe she really has hated having me in her life all these years?

[belleinblue1978]

You probably triggered some really deep emotional thoughts in her. Give her some time. There are some things that are just never comfortable for people to talk about. My first mom refuses contact with me at all because it is too painful.

Unless we experience it, and I have, there is no way as adopted people that we can understand the loss in placing. There is loss in both, and both are very different losses. I don't know if I can put it into words, just give her time.