[smiles2012]

I was hoping to get some feedback from some emoms out there....

Okay, so the emom is young and has a really hard time communicating. Her mother communicates with me, but the emom...well, I dont know, its like she wants to but then the words dont come out....

She has said that she wants me in the delivery room, she wants me to stay with her to take care of baby girl (girl: which was a shock for her) after birth...but, Im wondering if anyone here has done this? can my family get another room or does she want to see me with the baby all night?...I feel like its hard for me and my family to be as excited and doting when she is experiencing a loss...

Thoughts?

I have reassured her that I understand that things will change and that I will follow her lead. But now, its like she's trying to follow my lead and Im trying to follow her lead so we just sit there...Id like to talk to her about her vision of our open adoption, the delivery, where the baby will go after the birth (her room, the nursery, possibly letting me have a room...). She has signed the 3rd party release so right now she intends for me to leave the hospital with baby girl...

I also have questions about naming. Ive read that naming the baby, especially in open adoption can be a source of contention. How do I ask if she is going to let me name the child...right now it seems like an unspoken given, but Im not so sure.

My family says Im reading too much and just need to be the adult in the relationship and say something like.

"I was thinking...does this sound like it would work for you?" or "Id like to know what your vision for....is. Im imagining it like this....what do you think?"

She is young and seems pretty disconnected from the process, so I dont want to make it harder on her, but it seems like we are in gridlock because we are both trying to follow the other.

I have told her that I know and understand that things might change in the moment, and I will follow her discretion, but now Im not so sure she would express it...

suggestions?

[kakuehl]

How old is the emom? Do you get to talk to her apart from her mother?

I was 21 the day my bson was born so I was perhaps more in control of my own life and what I wanted. To have seen D with his aparents in hospital would probably have brought more tears, but also reassurance as I got to watch them begin to love him and become his parents. (D didn't go to them until after I signed the final papers.)

[LLise8153]

I just advise that you ask, ask and ask again. Total 100% honesty in all communications. Maybe ask her if she has a name that she loves and if you don't have a name that you are 100% set on, maybe use her name as the middle name. Or if you have three first names that you are considering, maybe let her help you choose one of those. Or if you have a name that you are absolutely sure of tell her "We are going to name her ___ ____, But if you want to put a different name on the obc you can" For Little man it was important to me that they give him a name that had meaning to them, and that was the name I put on his obc, but in my heart I have a different name for him that is full of meaning to me. As to the delivery and after, go with what seems to work for all of you. If she wants you there do that, if she doesn't try not to be to upset. If she wants you to stay, talk to the hospital and see if you can get a separate room, or stay in hers if she is comfortable with that. By the time I hit 9 months I was at a point where I had been poked and prodded and "looked" at so much that I didn't really care if the a parents wanted to be in the delivery room, that was fine with me. I offered to let them both be in there mom and dad. Dad might have passed out so he opted out, but I had my 21 year old daughter and amom in there, mom cut the umbilical cord. I don't think she even asked the hospital, I think she just told them, I'm gonna need a roll out cot, and she stayed in my room with me. The hospital didn't seem to "adoption" friendly and didn't want to bring the baby in, so she told them, "I'll be staying here and we will be wanting the baby in the room" They said something along the lines of "but the baby is being adopted" and she said "I know...we are adopting him, now do we get our baby, or should I speak to your supervisor" It was nice having her there to help out, and we kinda took turns taking care of baby. It hurt to see them all so happy and excited but it helped to see them all so happy and excited, if that makes any kind of sense. :-) So, maybe you should sit down with her and ask her what she wants, how she envisions the birth and hospital experience to go. Maybe tell her too look at Birthmom buds website, they have a "hospital plan" that she can look at, I think print out and take with her, and kinda roll with the experience, if it all seems to much for you or her, be willing to be flexible. Good luck! :-) And really...talk, talk and then talk some more! :-)

[smiles2012]

thanks! This was helpful...especially knowing how it worked for your specific situation Llise.

Id love to hear how others hospital experience was for the them...

I adapt easily to changes in the plan, so hopefully she will feel comfortable enough to voice her needs/wants.

[belleinblue1978]

I wouldn't direct her to Birthmom Buds, that is just my opinion though. It is too happy happy for my tastes, even when I first placed my Kiddo.

I didn't want anyone at the hospital and they weren't because I refused to match until after I had Kiddo. I didn't want people in the middle of my pregnancy. He was mine until afterwards. I would have never in a million years consented to his adoptive parents being in the hospital with me. When he was in NICU they were there and that was fine. I was still making his medical decisions though and the second the doctor started letting them know more than me, they got cut out of the loop because they weren't his legal anything, I was.

Point being, is that this really needs to be about her. I got treated like crap by both hospitals I dealt with. I ended up filing complaints against alot of people. I truly could have cared less about how the adoptive parents were treated at that point, it wasn't my concern. I was worried about the health of my son first and foremost, so I can't tell you how his mom and dad were treated by the NICU. Probably better than me though as I am pretty sure they weren't referred to by a doctor as mentally retarded.

I get pretty defensive about the hospital experience for expectant parents. I know far too many women that have placed because they didn't want to hurt someone's feelings and the pre adoptive parents not been at the hospital, they would have changed their minds, which was well within their rights.

I'm sure this wasn't the answer you were looking for, please just always follow her lead. Tell her this is her chance to be the mom and you are just a spectator. Give her the space she needs. I know you are excited, but remember if she chooses to place with you, you will be mom forever, she only gets a few days after baby is born.

[usisarah]

Maybe you could tell her that when it's time to go to the hospital, if she feels like she wants you there, she can call you and you'll be there? That way, if she wants the time alone, she doesn't feel obligated to have you there because she's 'promised' that you can be there, and if she does want you there, she knows you are willing to come at the drop of a hat.

I haven't placed a child for adoption but I have given birth twice. I absolutely wanted no one but DH in the room with me (and medical personnel of course) and didn't even want people in the waiting room because I didn't want to have to worry about feeling guilty after the baby was born that I wasn't letting people in soon enough to see the baby. I am an independent woman...know what I want and have no qualms about letting people know what I want. But even with my strong personality, I almost caved when DS was born because I felt bad not letting people do what they wanted when the baby was born.

I guess my point is, if it was hard for me to assert myself (Captain Assertive here), then I can't imagine how hard it would have been had I been considering adoption with that dynamic going on. I know how you feel...we at one time were planning on adopting a baby and I was so excited when it was close to time for the baby to be born. But she should have the option to do it her way. That may include you being there, and it may not. IMO, telling her to call you when she goes to the hospital if she wants you to be there is a good solution. Just my two cents.

[bluebutterfly78]

I think that it is all about emoms choice. Like others said adoptive parents at the delivery can impact on her decisiion and we dont want this person in the most difficult time of her life to decide under pressure and emotions afraid of hurting the prospective parents.
The beauty of adoption is when the process even being difficult due to a lifetime decision, emotions, is when all the hearts are connected and in peace with their decision. I feel sorry for bmoms who placed the child only because could not deal with the adoptvie parents feelings. It was definitely a lack of support by the agency or lawyer toward the bmom prior birth.