[Ramned]

Tomorrow my bmom is coming to visit me. I met her a little over a year ago and all was good and then we both pulled back. I have alot of questions for her, the biggest ones are going to be hard. For example I want to know if my adoption was supposed to be open and why it was closed, why she never saw me when she easily could have, why no letters or anything, why did she pick my parents, why did she prevent my father from seeing me as a baby (I know my bdad, he is a good man), and I just want to know what her life was like and who she is. I just want the whole honest story, no more secrets, so I can bring closure to the past and move on. Is that okay for me to put on her? I have an idea of what the answers may be, I just want to hear it from her.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

You can ask. She may shut down, she may be very sad. Sometimes we do things that we think are based at the time based on the information we have at the time. You bdad may be a great guy now but he could have been a really lousy guy back then.

Just be open and know that a lot of this will be hard for her. I know I am going to hate it when it comes time to answer those questions in my life.

Best of luck.

[JustPeachy]

I think a lot will depend on your approach. I think if you bombard her and hit her with all those heavy questions at once, she may very well be overwhelmed. I think I would tell her you have a lot of questions and need answers, and see if she would be more comfortable answering them all at once or take it in stages. Does it all have to be asked/answered in one visit?

I know with my son, when we first spoke on the phone, I wondered if he'd ask some hard questions. I didn't think he would, but in fact, he did! I answered to the best of my ability, but it was nerve-wracking and some things I just wasn't ready to revisit and I told him that. It's not about keeping secrets and I want to be open and honest with him, but at that time, I wasn't ready to go into so much in one phone call. We've been taking things in stages.

[Ramned]

Yeah, I wish we had taken this in stages. We just basically skipped the whole sit down and talk about the past. I will be sure to not make this overwhelming for her. Thanks for the advice. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this forum.

[lostmother2012]

How are you feeling now?

Reunion can be very overwhelming for first mothers and adoptees. I know it was for me when my son and I reunited. We covered a lot of ground over a short period of time and I would have rathered we had taken our time.

[Ramned]

Tell me about it. It's even worse when you go into it thinking it would be like meeting a stranger. Got way more than I bargained for!!

The conversation helped us both alot. It gave me the ability to really trust her which is essential to being able to move forward.

The only bad part is I found out I'm going to be an uncle. I say bad because my hbrother is only 18, his girlfriend only 16, and I am really worried about how my bmom is going to get through this. My brother is adamant about giving the baby up for adoption and I can only imagine the nightmare that would be for bmom... Neither of them are anything near ready to be parents but I really hope they find a way to make keeping the baby work.

Funny how it worked out though... after all these years of my bmom preaching against it, my brother is walking the same exact road that she took.

[Sunshiny]

So many questions can be answered and relationships not damaged if you say and truly mean " I have some hard questions I would like to ask you, and I will still care about you and want to be with you no matter what the answers are". That is how I would start. Good luck.