[iwagrlVA]

As I read other forums trying to figure out what to say and what NOT to say to DS someday, it made me think of the list of things people have said to me, about me, or around me that were really hurtful or ignorant.

So, I'm starting a thread here. Things people said knowing or not knowing I'm a birthparent:

1. "If you are going to give it up, why didn't you just have an abortion?" (said to me when I was expecting)
2. "Our neighbor girl is pregnant? I feel so bad for her parents."
3. Repeat #2. "Its too bad she threw her life away."
4. "You should watch Juno. It was so good."
5. "My cousins adopted a boy and they have so many problems with him. I would never adopt because you just don't know what you'll get."
6. "Why should you get to know your kid now that he's an adult when someone else did the raising?"
7. "I don't know why it bothers you so much when it was YOUR decision. Its what YOU wanted."
8. "You made the right decision." or "I'm sure he was better off."
9. "You'll have your own kids someday."
10. "Why didn't you just go on welfare? You could have done it if you had really WANTED to."

I'm sure I can think if a few more. What about other birthparents?

[Jillie_sweetheart]

You gave a child up? You're not a child or on drugs. Why didn't you want your child?

[iwagrlVA]

"I have so much respect for you, because you did what I couldn't do." (Two different single mom friends have said that to me.) I have found that several of my single mom friends considered it at some point.

"You can't have regrets. You can only make the best decision you can make based on the information you have available to you at the time."

[ctquilter]

I had the clerk to the Probate Judge in town tell me she couldn't give me the long form of my adopted daughter's adoption decree because "those poor girls who gave up their babies need protecting to hide their shame." She's lucky that I, in my birthmother role, didn't beat her to death!

[belleinblue1978]

You know who the dad is? From the vital records lady at the hospital, who I nearly killed.

What did you do to him for the state to him? I get that all the time because of where I live and work.

You are making them so happy. A month after my son was born and I wanted him back, hadn't signed TPR so I was well within my rights, from the agency director.

You're right you probably will hurt him. From my SW because I expressed that I was afraid of being a single parent.

Oh you can just have more. Uh, thanks, no I can't, secondary infertility, ever heard of it?

[dakotasclassic]

"I could never do that." ...I can't tell you how many times I've heard this, and it doesn't get any less hurtful with time.

"Was it hard?" ...Umm, what do you think?? I think people actually ask this because they also think the above - that I must be a monster that couldn't have cared less about him.

"Do you know how the birthfather is?" ...like all birthmothers are sluts and drug users

I guess I'm a little bitter about this - I've learned to keep my mouth shut and not tell a whole lot of people about my past. Some people are very judgemental and just can't honestly understand.

[angel2bmom]

Im an Amom but a customer and I were talking about my DD adoption. Snickering, she asked me if DD Bmom was a crack whore!!!! I almost died!!! I was totally hurt and insulted. I felt like saying F you lady.

But I kept calm and told her very matter of factly that no she is a very nice girl who's about to start college and doesn't drink, smoke, drugs and goes to church every sunday.

She shut up pretty quick. I will always defend my DD firstmom till the bitter end to anyone.

Doesn't matter if your Amoms, Bmoms, or infertility people say really hurtful, stupid stuff.

[caths1964]

Originally Posted by angel2bmom

Im an Amom but a customer and I were talking about my DD adoption. Snickering, she asked me if DD Bmom was a crack whore!!!! I almost died!!! I was totally hurt and insulted. I felt like saying F you lady.

But I kept calm and told her very matter of factly that no she is a very nice girl who's about to start college and doesn't drink, smoke, drugs and goes to church every sunday.

She shut up pretty quick. I will always defend my DD firstmom till the bitter end to anyone.

Doesn't matter if your Amoms, Bmoms, or infertility people say really hurtful, stupid stuff.

And if you are an adoptee, you get a combination of both, eg when first mothers here "didn't you want your child", we get "didn't your mother want you?".

Btw Belle, your counselling sounds like it could have taken place in the 60s/70s, not the 21st century.

[dkb60]

My favorites were "Now you can get on with enjoying your summer." and "In time you will just forget about all this." (said by a nurse). Do they say stuff like that when people have children that die?

Ugh

[caths1964]

Originally Posted by dkb60

My favorites were "Now you can get on with enjoying your summer." and "In time you will just forget about all this." (said by a nurse). Do they say stuff like that when people have children that die?

Ugh

I've heard they used to say similar stuff to the second statement to those who had stillborn children back in the old days - thankfully they don't do that now. I suspect my bmother was told to "put it all behind her" a few times in her life (my adoption, then later her stillborn twins).

[belleinblue1978]

It was totally archaic counseling caths. They are better now, new people.

I have also gotten the just put it behind you bs..... yeah because it is just that easy.

[angel2bmom]

oh yeah Caths, I forgot about adoptee's getting their share of comments too. None of us have a stinking chance of normal comments unless you have a "normal" life. I think even those people have alot of skeletons in the closet. Wish I knew so I could comment on them.

[Margot]

Being a birth mom in the early 60's, I had to 'go away' for a while......when I returned childless it just about killed me when regular moms talked about their babies and would ask if I had any.....
Also, hearing lately that Steve Jobs of Apple was adopted. Some talk show hosts would say he had issue with ''being abandoned''....that phrase just tears me up!
I didn't abandon my child....to me abandonment means leaving them on a doorstep on on the side of the road. Tho it broke my heart when I realized I couldn't take care of my child I took steps to have him placed in a good home. I'm sure Steve Job's mom did the same.I am so glad that today young women can openly place their child and have a relationship with the Amom!

[givinghimup2010]

Basically the same as number 10 but;

If you really wanted to you had other options

I also get a lot of people that i just met telling me how much strength I have to do something like that.

[InvincibleMommy]

"You look so thin!" - What one of my supervisors said when I went back to work after leave.

I know she meant it as a compliment (I was thin before I got pregnant & most of my weight seemed to come from DD since I shrunk like none other afterward), but to me it just served as another reminder and kinda honed in on the fact that anyone who hadn't seen me previously would never know I had a child.