[Tatoosh]

When I was 16, I got pregnant.

I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she'd support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion. I didn't have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn't find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn't know how to provide for her material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. "Couple X" agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn't worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It's special how her 'numbers' are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we'd get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn't feel my arms or my legs coming out of the hospital. I don't remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A's. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don't remember whether I sent photos. If I didn't, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn't exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn't Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello's. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey's new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey's birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey's adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn't stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn't stop crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey's well being. I couldn't form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn't speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn't want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn't keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn't want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn't want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I've thought of her every day. I'm 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We've been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I'm not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It's never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can't speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I've become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I've learned some things. I know where they work. I've seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I've been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey's cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn't invasive if I don't contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don't plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don't know what I would say, but I don't know if I will get the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she'd be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don't know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I'm contacting them now. What appalling questions! What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I'm more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group's wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

Any advice, guidance, support, questions, answers, or emoticons welcome. Thank you for reading this far. It helped a lot to get it out.

-T

[MassachusettsMom]

No advice. But I wish you the best.

[LibbyHawkins]

Same here.
I'm so sorry they made promises they didn't keep.
Seems shady on the Agency's part not to disclose problems with the bf signing.

I think you are going about it the right way to start. However if they refuse contact I would try to contact your daughter directly via email (fb or whatever) to make sure she is the one declining contact. Perhaps provide her an address where you can always be reached . . .

I realize you think there is a possibility she doesn't know she is adopted, I hope that is unlikely. You did it the right way, I hope they cooperate and that your daughter requests to meet you.

Good Luck

[browneyes0707]

((((HUGS))))Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. My DD is just a year older than yours (she'll be 19 next week) so your story definitely hit a personal chord with me. I can't imagine how hard that day must have been for you.

If I had to guess, I'm going to say that it haunts her adoptive mom too. I'm not defending her ultimate decision, but given the custody battle with the birthfather, the family was likely advised by their attorney or friends and family to cut ties with you in case you "aligned" yourself with the birthfather or they were afraid that you too would follow suit. Regardless, it was wrong and unfair of them to act as a result of actions that weren't even yours.

I'm glad you are seeking out counseling in order to deal with your own feelings. I'm just wondering if you've thought about reaching out to Kelsey on your own someday! After all, she is 18, you don't need to open the adoption, you need to reunite!! Plus I'm not so sure that the agency is going to be of much help trying to be a third party to contact when the adoptee is of age, KWIM?

Reunion is tricky and emotional in the best of circumstances. Maybe try focusing on getting yourself to the point where you can feel comfortable contacting Kelsey directly. It might take a while, I know for me it took a long time of mentally preparing in order to write my DD her first letter. You also should keep in mind where Kelsey is in her life, if she just turned 18, she's probably gearing up for prom and graduation and college, and that could be the focus of her attention right now. It might not be the best time to reach out to her.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but the internet is probably your best tool to keep tabs on her and judge when you think the right time is! There is nothing wrong with using info that's out in the open to get to know your DD and helping you feel comfortable with taking the next step. And teens can be somewhat open as to what they put out there. You'll know if she goes away to school or if she stays home which could have an impact on how she reacts to contact. If she seems stressed or focused on partying or posting things that seem a bit troublesome, you can tell she might be going through some rough times and it might be best to hold off. As long as you don't contact her impulsively, then you'll be OK. And I'm going to gather that when you do, her adoptive mom is not going to be so surprised, given how things happened between you!

Keep coming back here as well, this site has really helped me work through a lot of feelings, and the support from those who have been there really helps!!!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Hadley2]

I am so sorry for your story. You tell it well. I would make a copy of most of what you wrote here and keep it to be the core of either another letter or what you can say to Kelsey if the opportunity arises.

You feel betrayed. You had expections based on what you thought people said that were not fulfilled. Certainly, the understanding you had as a 16 year old did not pan out. The emotional trauma of that is still with you.

At the same time, you are an adult now. Before assuming that you were used or lied to or in fact intentionally betrayed, it would be good to ask yourself, very honestly as an adult looking back at a teenager and two people you believe very well intentioned but also very new to parenting and adoption, some key questions:

Is it more or less likely that an actual promise was actually made? or was it more likely the statement of an intention or hope? Was it more or less likely a promise or intention made in good faith at the time and sadly re-thought--in light of new experiences parenting and dealing with a birthparent--later? Could it be that it was a promise or intention or hope that the parents could begin to feel, given either issues with the child or the birthfather or both, couldn't be kept in the child's best interest?

Whether they were right or wrong in your opinion, could they have in good faith and responsibly as the parents you chose to nurture and keep your child safe, have felt that openness was no longer a good thing?

Because you chose these folks after a long and hard search. You got to know them in person, face to face. They started out with the kind of openness you probably expected and could manage in your life at the time. They kept it up well past your revocation period (they didn't need to wait until the adoption finalized, your termination was already permanent). You don't know what happened with the birthfather...(why? what is it about him that you didn't have contact with him? is there a clue there?) You've scanned their lives now and Kelsey's life enough to conclude that she is "a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life."

So by the measures you have, it doesn't really sound as if lying, using, or actual betrayal were at play here. It sounds as if they were the people you thought they were, the people you chose to parent Kelsey. And if there is any chance that they are, coming to them and her with this kind of open mind, I think, would set the stage for a much more positive RU experience.

The closing of the adoption has been a deep wound, and there may be no villain to pin it on, just unfortunate circumstances and judgments. If Kelsey is a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life, you and everyone would probably be happier all around if your introduction to it now were as positive as possible.

She is 18 and she is an adult now, so you could contact her directly and bypass her parents. I'm not convinced that would go over well in the long run. I think it is good that you are trying to contact them first, to talk about what happened back then so that you have a better idea of their reasoning then, how it may have evolved over the years, how you and the situation fit into their context and Kelsey's worldview and that you'd like their thoughts on how to go forward with RU with Kelsey now...that is, your communication assuming that RU is going to happen; I would not say anything that lets them think you are asking them to control it (although I'd avoid unnecessarily provocative sentiments).

Good luck. I think your chances for a positive RU may be much better than you think. I certainly hope so.

FWIW, I am not a birthmother. I am a parent who adopted a child openly out of foster care. I am speaking from my own experience of trying to reconcile two very different perspectives on many of the same events as well as just being an older and experienced parent of grown and younger kids.

[quantum]

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's one of the unfortunate things that can happen with an open adoption.
I seems so unfair to everyone involved.

I'm a birthmother with a nearly 26 year old son. I found him when he was 21.
I would not reccommend going through her parents. I used the agency to send updated medical information and to have them contact him to see if he'd be willing for more. His amom intercepted their first attempt at contact and didn't even give him the chance to respond for himself. My second attempt was sent to his afather and stepmom, and our direct contact shortly began.
It's been a rocky road at time, better than many reunions, not exactly what I'd hoped for, but he IS in my life now and that's what matters.

[Tatoosh]

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. It's good to hear another perspective. I don't want to go into a downward spiral of negative feelings. You've given me a lot to marinate on today. Please keep your thoughts coming!

The agency emailed today saying that rather than call, they are sending a letter to Couple X today. They should receive it Monday.

I wonder if it would be better to communicate with Couple X and heal those feelings about changing from open to closed before getting into contact with Kelsey. As much as I hate to put off any possible communication with her, she is still so young. Emotional maturity takes so long to develop. I would want to be resolved about the adoption turning closed so that any negative feelings about it aren't transferred to communicating with Kelsey.

That word, reunion, is so hard to imagine right now. It says phone calls and walks in the park and good times. I can't picture it yet.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading through, and replying with such thought and care.

-T

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by Tatoosh

That word, reunion, is so hard to imagine right now. It says phone calls and walks in the park and good times. I can't picture it yet.

Me neither, and I've been in reunion for 5 months now, lol! It's been more friends on FB where we are still just stare at eachother's profiles and months in between really sweet introductory e-mails We are still quite some time away from phone calls and walks in the park!

I've read it countless times here and can now say from experience that reunion is a rollercoaster of emotions: the highs are amazing, but it's an emotional minefield. I think it's really wise of you to know that you need to heal yourself emotionally before having a relationship with Kelsey.

My experience has been different than yours in that I first sought out to re-open a closed adoption when my DD was 14. I had no other option but to reach out to her parents. We had a good relationship, we just drifted apart. Her mom was more than willing to keep in touch on her behalf, but it was a rocky road as well. Part of it is because her mom's fears and concerns colored the relationship. Now I don't blame her, from her point of view it's hard not to keep your own feelings out of the picture. She did drag her feet in getting DD directly involved, even after her 18th birthday and that aspect was really frustrating.

But when I got my first letter from DD, it turned out that her mom had prepared her by sharing pics of me and my family that her mom had gotten via my FB page and talking to her about me and who I was. My DD is happy that her mom and I have a good relationship. For that, I'm glad that her mom and I connected before reunion.

You do have to be prepared for her parents to reject the idea of contact with you. But if they do want to reach out, focus on the present and not the past. I don't know if they can "heal" you, and the burden of that might not be one they can or are willing to take on. Tell them how you are, what you've been up to, tell them you want to build a relationship with them, and with Kelsey in the future. Go slow. Offer medical history, pics, etc and keep them engaged in the now, rather than the then.

As time goes by and the relationship grows, you might be able to get into the who's and why's and get answers. As time goes by, the who's and why's might not even be important. There is nothing anyone can say to change what has already happened, but there is always a new day and a new opportunity to move forward. Sometimes, as much as it hurts not to know how you got here, the important thing is that you are here, and the future is wide open to be (hopefully) what you want it to be!!!

[Tatoosh]

Hi all,

Again and again, thank you for your thoughtful responses. I've spent days educating myself on these forums. I've spent time in the adoptive parent section and adoptee section to try to increase my sensitivity to what the adoptive parents went through, and to learn what I could expect from reunion. There is really no formula.

It sounds like what we'll start out with is generally small talk anyway. So maybe I have time to cool off about the issues I'm passionate over and just focus on slowly building a relationship.

They should get the letter today, but probably not until they get home. I try to distract myself but I can't keep my mind off them. When they get home, they will have the letter. Will they call the agency? or write back? will they let it marinate for a few weeks?

I can tell you that hearing from two adoptive moms that I should contact Kelsey directly (if Couple X says "No") is really what I wanted to hear. How long should I wait?

-T

[LibbyHawkins]

I would not try to resolve the feelings about them closing the adoption with them. Might just stir up their fears and bring about resentment. At this point your goal is a relationship with your daughter. She is the primary, kwim? Just move on and perhaps down the road you will be in a place where you can address what happened . . .

I would give it a month after they receive the letter. After that if you have not heard, then starting planning how to go about getting your contact information directly to your daughter. Be sure to be honest but try not to place blame(that could make her defensive), both you and her have to realize that the past can't be changed and focus on the future and hopefully a relationship going forward.

[Tatoosh]

So many of you probably do the same thing I do. In heading into this, I have been thinking non-stop about all the things that could go wrong, and how I would potentially deal with those things. It's almost painful to be optimistic, because of the chance to be disappointed. When it comes to being a birthmother, a common theme is fear of losing your child for a SECOND time. It was so hard the first time. I'm a stronger person for going through with the adoption, and for respecting their boundaries all these years. I have a good sense of what I can "take" in life. I don't think I could take losing her again.

Not that I have her back, so to speak.

The agency sent a nearly blank letter to Couple X, which contained no information other than "Don't panic, but please call". It probably arrived Monday. Today (Thursday) Mr. X spoke on the phone with the agency. My caseworker (CW) says he was very courteous, and seemed to be simply gathering information to consider with Mrs. X over the weekend. She said he was happy to hear that I'm doing well. Couple X plans to discuss "next steps" over the weekend and call my CW back next week.

That makes me happy. Being ignored can be removed from the list of horrifying possibilities. I like it that the list o' terror shrank.

In the meantime I'm still thinking about what I want to write in my introduction letter. It's different for Couple X than it is for Kelsey.

When I was pregnant, it was a strange feeling for me to read these letters from potential adoptive parents. They were all so much 'better' than me and my family. They had more money, more education, more interesting things in their lives. But they were trying to impress me! Imagine that. I picture these couples, Couple X included, spending hours perfecting their letters on their kitchen table together. They had to make decisions on the content to share that would lead me to believe positive things about their lives. Yes, they were selling themselves.

Now it's my turn.

If I get the chance, it will be me sitting at my computer for hours writing, erasing, placing photos, moving and removing them, and working hard to find a balance between honestly and advertising. I want them to come again. So I need to write a compelling (and short) letter reflecting my values, my place in the world, and what I'd like to happen in our communication. I need to create a business case for keeping in touch.

When I read their letters, I had something they wanted. I needed someone to trust. There was give and take at that point in our relationship because of that dynamic.

I don't have anything they want anymore. When they closed the adoption, that was the message I got, inadvertently. What kind of letter is going to sell ice to Eskimos?

This assumes Couple X decides the "next step" is to open communication. The "next step" could be one of the possibilities on the list o' terror. A restraining order.

When I think about all of this, I feel crazy, so who could blame them?

I'm only sort of kidding.

Thanks again for listening. I had to get this out. When I have a draft of this letter, I hope you'll review it for me.

-T

[usisarah]

I've been following this thread, and your last post struck me. My husband and I had planned to adopt our second child, but that wasn't in the cards for us. So this is coming from the perspective of not a birth mother, but kind of a bystander.

I know what you mean about the profile letters. I hated when we wrote ours how we came across. My husband and I both hated feeling like we were marketing ourselves, and as much as we tried not to come across that way, I know we had to have come across that way.

But I wonder why you feel you need to sell yourself now. Are you really going to not contact your daughter if Couple X doesn't want you to? I guess if you feel that way, then I would see why you would feel that you need to 'convince' them that they should let you back in to their lives. But if you plan to contact your daughter at some point even if Couple X does not approve (and frankly, IMO, you should. She's an adult), there is no reason for you to feel like you have something to prove, kwim?

It seems that if you have Couple X's blessing, things would probably go much smoother. And perhaps if you don't have their blessing, you're afraid that Kelsey will take her parents' lead...again another reason I could see why you would feel the need to 'market' yourself. But at the end of the day, your goal is to know your daughter, not Couple X. Maybe you should wait to see what they have to say before trying to draft a letter.

Again, this is coming from someone who has no clue what you've gone through or what you're feeling, so take it with a grain of salt.

[snoopy87]

As an adoptee in reunion, I can assure you that I was not looking for my birth-parents to market themselves to me. My birthparents had facts and information about me and my heritage that no one else on earth could provide. I wanted to know them because of our biological connection. Your daughter will be interested in you because: you know the story of how she was conceived, you carried her for 9 months, you gave birth to her, and you can tell her about her/your ancestors and heritage, not to mention shed light on shared looks, hobbies, and talents.

I don't want to tell you how to proceed, but as an adoptee, all I wanted to hear initially was that my birth parents were interested and open to a relationship with me on any terms I was ready for and that they were open to my questions. Telling her you've always loved her, wanted the best for her, missed her, and would love an opportunity to get to know her as an adult is a fine idea, too. Beyond that, don't try to market yourself, definitely don't try to upsell yourself, and most importantly, be genuine.

Also, keep a constantly open mind. In my situation, during reunion number one, I tried to tell my birthdad everything I thought he would want to hear (my life was great/perfect/happy) and he tried to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear (his life was well put together and going great). What we both accidentally ended up doing is making the other person believe that he/she was not needed because our lives were already complete.

Your daughter isn't a minor anymore. It would be her job to get a restraining order if she wanted to. She has to speak for herself now. This new relationship will be about you and her. Be patient, and know that she might not be ready for a lot right now, but in time, maybe even in several years, that can change and grow.

Best Wishes,
Snoopy

[loraine]

hello my name is lelah and i just gave birth to my daughter on january 20th this year. it is an open adoption and the couple was very nice. it is supposed to be an open adoption and i was promised one on one counseling. but the counseling is a folder of worksheets and the couple has not contacted me in days. ive sent emails,txts, and im afraid their ignoring me and my daughter wont know about me or her birthfather any advice would be great.

[mzmolliemalone]

Hi Tatoosh! I'm Mollie. I'd like to be your friend to lean on and talk to when you need comfort and support. I am a birthmother of two small boys and have no communication with them or their A-parents. It's been a very painful past few months and I have been very depressed. I find it easier to cope with the situation by reaching out to others and sharing stories. I hope I may be helpful to you. God Bless Ya!