[hpfreak080]

Janey, I could have written your post except I would have changed all of the bparent things to adotpee things. I've often felt awkward telling my side of things because in many places (not necessarily here...but it has been hinted) that I'm in denial of my pain and longing or that I'm "drinking the adoption kool-aid" or "wearing rose colored glasses".

Anyway, I know this is your all's thread, but I just wanted to say that I can understand where some of you all are coming from when you feel "weird" (for lack of a better word lol) posting more positive stories. However, I think that, for me, telling my side of things shows people (particularly all the a & b parents on here) that adoption is not all bad and doesn't always lead to major issues in the adoptee.

Anyway, again, I love you all and miss "hearing" from you guys.

[kakuehl]

Hi all! (((Tigger))) (((Brown)))! I miss you!

I think one of the things I've learned as a pastor (Not that I always practice it well...) is that people need the ministry of presence. Often we (any of us) are not looking for solutions to our problems, we need to know that we aren't alone; that someone hears us; that we and our point of view are validated; or at least that someone cares enough to hear. At the same time we, the listeners, want to help so we provide suggestions and answers that a) aren't asked for, b)aren't necessary; c) are unwanted. We need to remember that we haven't failed when all we say is I hear you; I'm sorry this is happening; I'm here.

Like Brenda, there are times when I think about posting and decide that Peachy has already said what I would say. (I guess I could say.. "What Peachy said, LOL.)

My personal adoption and reunion has been positive one (That doesn't mean that there haven't been difficult points!) My primary purpose for being here has been to be at a place where others have experienced adoption and its ramifications and to be helpful presence to others. For a couple years, this was the place where I felt God was leading me to minister. I have made some very dear friends here which is something that is difficult for me to do in real life as a pastor.

This has been a difficult year for me personally (let's name the stressors: move, what do we do with the house we own since we are in a parsonage, new job, broken ankle, father died...) I haven't had much energy left over for a.com. I am still here however, and will keep on!!!

[susie_book]

I'd like to add my voice to those saying that I don't post much because my adoption is pretty good. I see my son, I love his parents--I am lucky and feel weird posting about it. At the same time, when I'm dealing with grief issues (he's only a year old, give me a break! ), I don't want to post what I'm feeling and then get attacked. For example: before my last visit, I got really angry at my son's parents for coming. Then I put it together with the fact that I had first decided that they probably wouldn't come, realized that I was grieving the visit, and moved on to trying to figure out why and how I should process those feelings. But if I had posted that I was mad at them for coming and didn't know why, I--well, I would never post that, because I don't want to get jumped on. At the same time, I wish that you other ladies felt comfortable posting more; even when I don't post, I really appreciate being able to be a (mostly silent) part of the discussions.

[Amandak249]

I miss all you gals too...

In fact (and I hope this isn't misinterpreted) you all on this forum remind me not to generalize. When my own birthparents make me want to make sweeping generalizations to simplify my life ( birthmothers are bad, that's why mine hurts me so much... they must not care anyway, etc.)

YOU all on this forum keep me sane. I read about you, I talk/write with you, and it reminds me that blanket statements, while they certainly can be comforting, don't work...and that all of us are on our own separate journey, and though we can relate on some levels, we are all different people from different walks of life living in different realities. What is right for one may not be for another.


I used to be far more ignorant than I am now. I am surrounded by people from the general population who just don't get adoption. A good friend of mine, who truly has my best interests at heart, often tells me:

"But they gave you up. That's it. They severed their rights, and not THEY are gonna have to live with it. Don't let them have their cake and eat it to ."

And some days, I believed her. Her statement makes me feel powerful in a situation where I feel powerless. But then I remember all of you on the forums, and I say to her

"Sorry Erica, but I don't believe that. It's just not that simple."


Without your stories, your comments, and your participation on these boards, I'd still be that girl. Wrapped up in my own hurt, I had very little compassion for others, had very little understanding. You girls gave me that extra perspective- and for that, I thank you all. I hope the boards will be more active soon.

[SunshinesMommy]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as Tigger, Brown, and susie_book.

My story isn't like the majority of women here, I didn't even talk to anyone from an agency till after my son was born, I'm still with his birthfather, and along with that I'm in a good place with my adoptionand don't hate adoption. And because I only placed my son back in Spetember I feel like if I start threads geared more towards personal aspects of my adoption that I'll be baraged with responses about how I'm still drinking the kool-aid. I'm not, I'mjust taking advantage of the counseling that my agency offers and over years of therapy for unrelated things I've developed some amazing coping skills.

I would just feel wrong starting a topic about how I likemy sons aparents, how I'm in a good place with my adoption, etc when so many of the women (and men) here are having such a hard time. To me in a way it would feel like I'd be rubbing it in their face and I don't want that. I know everyone has bad days, I now some of the mothers on here are from the BSE and didn't have any choice like I did, that some of them have closed adoptions, or are still working hard on healing and those women need the support more than I need an outlet to talk about how well my adoption is going for the time being.

[hollyhunter]

Here I go Posting again!

First of all, Kathy, You have been a rock for people here. Even in my darkest time, you were there being supportive so I hope you are taking care of your own needs so you can continue. You know, like curl up in a ball for an entire day and eat cookies n cream or something.

This has been a good thread to get me thinking about where I'm at in my adoption situation and my emotional well being. Again, I just reeeeally needed to get away from adoptions stuff for a good long while. I think I was pretty much headed for a fall a few years ago and eventually hit bottom. I depended too much on this site as my only outlet and stopped relying on my own inner resources. Yes, there was some disagreements and people not being as tactful as they should, this being a place of support. I don't recall anyone attacked me personally but I saw it happen to others. Really, thats not why I stopped posting but in the state I was in I didn't need more conflict. I had enough going on in my head.

It would be great if people would not discount other people's experiences and indicate they "shouldn't feel that way because..."or try to direct and instruct when someone just wants someone to hear them out. It happens, we are all just people. Even still, you can express yourself and get varied responses. You can read them and decide which response really gets where you are coming from. I think it don't matter if someone else has already said what you'd have said, that extra validation is good too sometimes. No one is perfect, we are all just people here so we just need to be more tolerant of one another.

Also, my adoption situation was about as good as a simi open adoption could be. I'd probably be sitting in jail from having gotten my revenge on some people had it not. My daughter had a great life with good parents and swears she doesn't have issues. I gotta believe her. I have heard some stories here that have really made me appreciate my situation.

[dklevy]

A few people have talked about feeling guilty about posting "my adoption is great" but why? I love reading those stories. They give me hope that my situation could become like that even if it isn't now. Adoptive parents are able to brag about their life because of adoption. Why can't birthparents? It's never all sunshine and roses but when it's good, we should be able to be just as vocal and proud as any other member of the triad!

[kakuehl]

I think sometimes there is a reluctance to post the positive stuff because we don't want to it worse for our sisters who are struggling with adoption or reunion...

So here's my latest positive story: On the positive note, I'm going to bson's for Thanksgiving! J is excited about hosting her first Thanksgiving dinner -- they usually are at his aparents but they are going to Ohio to his younger sister's. (D couldn't see hauling 4 kids over 200 miles one way.) There will be about 19 of us at D's. (The weird thing is that this is the first Thanksgiving in a very long time that I wasn't the chief cook and of course my first thanksgiving ever without either parent of my own. )

[RavenSong]

I dunno...I've been here a few years now, and I've seen a lot of you post your positive attitudes and feelings about relinquishment/adoption/reunion, etc. And that's terrific, especially since this is a pro-adoption site.

I'm sorry if any of you are reluctant to talk about your own feelings or opinions because you're afraid of hurting other birth/first mothers. I'm always happy when I hear about adoption working out the way it was intended. I just wish it had worked out that way for my son, I guess.

[greenbottles]

We're all back now...
I love reading about an adoptee who is more than happy with their life, parents etc...Imagine if my daughter wasn't happy, if she hated her parents etc or if they had been abusing her etc...It would make me miserable that I had put her in that situation.
I am also glad to hear about first mothers that are in a good space about their relinquishment. I thought I had done the right thing for the first three years, then I reliased what I had lost but it didn't really hit me until bdaughter was 10 and from then on in I've grieved....still continued to grieve although I do my best to focus on the positives ie she's alive and looks like she's having fun...she had a fantastic education thanks to her parents and I know that she's much loved...

[belleinblue1978]

I don't mind hearing the positive stories either. There have been times when my son's adoption has been positive for me. Most of my adoption experience as an adopted person has been positive as well.

One of the things that bothers me is when those of us that do express grief or struggles with adoption we are labeled as anti adoption. I'm not anti adoption, I'm not pro adoption. I think that adoption is the right thing in some situations, but certainly not all. I don't know why we need to to rush in and label each other.

[Janeytwo]

Crick You posted this:

Keep in mind it would not be a place for bashing of members or even a side, but more of a safe place to vent about your personal feelings and situation. Meaning, it's not going to be a "Aparents SUCK" free for all. (not that you would...just making that distinction)

Thank you for this suggestion but there are already sites out there for this purpose.

[greenbottles]

I have been accused of being anti-adoption and probably from many of my posts people would get that idea. But I believe it is a necessity in many situations but I don't believe there is a need for changing birth certificates etc. I believe the legal lies need to go as does the huge amounts of money APs pay agencies. Finding the right family for a child should not be dictated by money.
Personally I do my best to encourage women with an unplanned pregnacy to parent, and not to go near an agency until after they have given birth and decide then that they don't want to parent. I want them to be truly informed of the legalities and that OAs usually have no legal backbone.
I want them to know that their baby wants to stay with them no matter how poor they are and that in a few years things could change for them. There are agencies out there helping people parent.
I want them to know that OAs are not the solution - that there is no guarantee that contact with your child growing up will result in a continuous relationship as they become adults.
I want them to know that even when an adoption situation ie positive reunion or an OA visit has gone well that there's still hurt and loss. I want them to know how weird and dsyfunctional adoption is.
Belle, I also agree that my hurt and frustration that I post about is my stuff and I share it with other first mothers because I know someone will understand. I don't post it as an anti-adoption campaign. I'm not thinking that at all. I would never expect my daughter's aparents to take my hurt etc into consideration because it's not their job. Their job is to be good parents to all their children and I believe that is what they are doing to the best of their ability.

[hollyhunter]

Greenbottles,
Very well said. Those are exactly my feelings expressed as I could never have.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I don't mind hearing the positive stories either. There have been times when my son's adoption has been positive for me. Most of my adoption experience as an adopted person has been positive as well.

One of the things that bothers me is when those of us that do express grief or struggles with adoption we are labeled as anti adoption. I'm not anti adoption, I'm not pro adoption. I think that adoption is the right thing in some situations, but certainly not all. I don't know why we need to to rush in and label each other.

Belle, true. There are happy stories, however, all I tend to see are the ugly ones.
For my trully dark days and days I just wish to talk to those who have been in my shoes and know how I feel I go to other sites for that. There is no ripping apart of the other sides. There is comfort and understanding. None of this: well, what did you do to cause a, b, and c, that TGM was talking about a few pages back. There is just, let me know what you need to help you.