[melemitz1]

Ok, so I have been a member on this site for quite a while, but mostly inactive for quite some time!! (So please bear with me!!) I know I have the typical questions an adoptee does, but I would really like some feedback from birth mother's that may have experienced the same thing that happened to my birth mother.

I am a 27 y/o adoptee that has started the process to find my birth mother. I have registered with the Indiana State Board of Health and Indiana Adoption Registry program as the state requires. I have received non-identifying information, which is interesting, but I have so many more unanswered questions. I have also started working with the court intermediary of Indiana (there is only 1) to start the legal proceedings to allow her to search for my birth mom. All of this is very exciting, yet so scary to think of the many possibilities of outcomes this could have!!!

My birth mother was only 14 when she had me and I'm sure that she was very scared!! (I know that I would be if that had been me!!) My birth mother had already almost died of alochol poisoning by the age of 13 (which was stated in non-identifying info). I'm sure that this relates to some issues that I have had growing up with alcohol and drugs when I was younger??!! I was raised with awesome parents and loved very much. (This is just a little history)

I am pretty sure that the records have her information to find her. I am so grateful for her giving me a chance at life instead of having an abortion or trying to raise me herself and not being able to(maybe TMI). So many teens I hear of these days think abortion is a form of birth control (which I find very scary).

Are there any birth mothers out there that had a similar situation with having a baby very young?? With you being so young when you had a child do you think you have since "moved on" with your life?? Did you tell your husband/significant other about this child when you got older?? Did your family know?? Do you think of the child on their birthday??

I know many of you may hear these kind of questions all the time, but I would really like to find someone that I can talk to and go down this path with.... Please be understanding and no rude comments please.... I may not have said something the "right" way...but these questions and ideas are just the way I have them in my mind and I apologize if I'm not politically correct in some eyes

Thank you!!!!

[BlackSheep]

Melemitz1-
I was not 14 when I had my first child, but 19. Not much age difference there, but some. Yes, I was scared.. but to get to your questions...Yes, I think of my bdau often, almost daily for the last 27 years(she will be 27 this month). Yes, I did tell my now DH before we married and I have also told both my biochildren about their sister. Yes, my family knew about the child, but I was "sent away" as to not become a true "embarrassment to them". Yes, every year I think about my "little" girl. It doesn't go away and you never completely "move on". There is a part of you left behind.

Good Luck in your search, I truly hope you find what you need.

[melemitz1]

Thank you for your reply... I have been thinking about this so much I am driving myself crazy. I have periods in my life where this has not really bothered me or even been the highlight of my thoughts during the day. I realize every year that I get older and older. I think the thing that has affected me the most is the fact that I have my own children now. I can't imagine ever being faced with the idea of anyone else raising them other than myself. I know that my b-mom did the best she could with the situation she was faced with and for that I am grateful. I truly hope she feels as you do and wants to know me, what happened in my life, my children. I honestly feel that it will fill a void in my life of just knowing (ie. who I look like, get some of my funny quirks etc...). I feel that a part of me loves her even though I have never known her... she was the woman that carried me for 10 months and gave me life. There has to be a part of her that loves me and wants to know what ever happened to the "little girl" she gave birth to all those years ago.... I truly hope that things go well and that I do get the answers I would love to have, but I am also prepared for the fact that her life may have changed and due to those circumstances this may not be the right time.....

[kakuehl]

I was 21 when my son was born, and let's face it, that's worlds away from being 14. I have always loved him and wanted what was best for him. I never forgot him and he was not a secret in my family. We reunited when he was 33. The first thing he did when he had my information was to go to my church website and find my picture. (He discovered that he looks like me -- poor man!) He looks more like me than my other 2 children. His voice, his gestures, his personality are all familiar! For me it was so good to know he was alive and well. In the 4 years since then, I've gotten to be a part of his life. (I have NOT replaced his parents.) It saddens me that his bdad has died and they will not know each other.

I too hope that your bmom is wanting to know you and prepared to answer what you need to know.

[JustPeachy]

Are there any birth mothers out there that had a similar situation with having a baby very young?? With you being so young when you had a child do you think you have since "moved on" with your life?? Did you tell your husband/significant other about this child when you got older?? Did your family know?? Do you think of the child on their birthday??

I wasn't quite as young as your birth mother. I had just turned 19 when I had my son. In terms of "moving on" it's hard to answer that question. To be honest, it's kind of a loaded term for many birth mothers, as so many agencies told the lie of "you'll just move on with your life and everything will go back to normal" which it never really does, at least not in the same way. I don't think it is possible to place a child for adoption and be the same. It changes you forever and every first mom is different in the way she handles it. A lot depends on maturity, what kind of counseling she got (or IF she got it), what kind of family and social support she got, if the choice was hers to place or if the decision was made for her, etc., etc. In my case, I do feel I moved on (I prefer to say "moved forward in my life" because moving on implies forgetting about my child and that is simply impossible). I also had a lot of support in my decision and received good counseling.

My family and friends and coworkers knew of my pregnancy and the birth of my son, and knew of my plans for adoption. In terms of telling new people in my life over the years, I've been very careful and selective about who I reveal my son to, because I have been met with very harsh criticism and judgements for the decision I made, or else I have found that people just don't seem to understand and are very uncomfortable talking about it. My close friends know. My husband knows, but it took a very long time for me to tell him.

I always think of my son on his birthday. Pretty much every birth mom I know does. But it's just not on his birthday, he is thought of all the time. It is not unusual for birth mothers to think of their children every day, all throughout their lives. Just like any other mom, our maternal feelings don't just shut off because we relinquished our rights to parent. In most cases, we were simply not in a position to raise our children for various reasons, but that doesn't mean we didn't want to, or do not love our kids. In my case, I wanted my son to have so much more than I could have provided for him at the time.

When a first mom surrenders a child to adoption, she is signing away her rights to parent her child, but she is not signing away the love she feels for the child she gave birth to. That is simply impossible.

I imagine your birth mom's life is quite different after all these years, but how she has grown and changed you will never know unless you find out! And yes, there is a risk in that, but you have to decide if not knowing is better than knowing, even if the knowing brings news that you don't want to hear. Personally, I would want to know! I say "go for it" but just keep your expectations in check, read up as much as you can about contact and reunion, maybe find a triad support group in your area, talk to others who have been through reunion, read some more, and just be prepared for anything and everything.

[melemitz1]

Thank you for your stories...

I think part of my worry is that she was so young and immature when she had me that it would have been easier for her to, not forget, but "put that part of her life behind her".

For my birth mother to be so young she made some very mature decisions. She had told the caseworker that she wanted me to be adopted to a couple that was in their 30s and established to make sure they would be able to care for me. She did request a picture of me after the first 2 weeks I was placed. (Sometimes I wonder if she would still have that..) My a-mom told me that the caseworker told her that my b-mom had an older sister that had children very young and she did not want me to grow up like they did ( I don't know how true this is b/c it is not in my non-identifying info, but I don't believe she would lie about that). I do have in my non-identifying info that my b-mom does have 3 brothers and one sister, her being the youngest of 5.

I find hope in the fact that it seems like she seems to be very mature in her thinking at 14. What do you guys think??

[St3v3n]

Have you discovered the book "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler? It's an extensive study of bmoms who placed children for adoption in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. She includes a lot of transcripts of these women's stories in their own words. If you want to get an idea of what it was like for your bmom, what she went through before, during, and after your birth, I highly recommend it. You were born later than the era this book covers (all pre-Roe v. Wade), so some of the environment may have changed, but I'm sure a lot of it is still applicable.

[txrnr]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I'm an IN adoptee also, who's bmom was 15 when I was born (but I'm much older than you) I've only been in reunion a few months, and my mom says she thought about often, and had a sweet litttle ritual she did every year on my birthday. I was never a secret, and her family and friends all knew of my existence. I know that's not often the case, but since our mom's were so close in age, I wanted to let you know my experience.

Good luck!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by melemitz1

Thank you for your stories...

I think part of my worry is that she was so young and immature when she had me that it would have been easier for her to, not forget, but "put that part of her life behind her".

For my birth mother to be so young she made some very mature decisions. She had told the caseworker that she wanted me to be adopted to a couple that was in their 30s and established to make sure they would be able to care for me. She did request a picture of me after the first 2 weeks I was placed. (Sometimes I wonder if she would still have that..) My a-mom told me that the caseworker told her that my b-mom had an older sister that had children very young and she did not want me to grow up like they did ( I don't know how true this is b/c it is not in my non-identifying info, but I don't believe she would lie about that). I do have in my non-identifying info that my b-mom does have 3 brothers and one sister, her being the youngest of 5.

I find hope in the fact that it seems like she seems to be very mature in her thinking at 14. What do you guys think??

It is possible that your mother "put that part behind her." I would say that it's not probable. My hope would be that she was able to come to terms with your placement and has been able to live a full life. My personal expectation is that she has indeed kept that picture of you as a baby. I know that I would have cherished one of my bson. (The only thing I have from then is the hospital bill, LOL. It's been 37 years and I still have it.)

I can only speak for myself... I have never forgotten. Some birth mothers bury the memories because they are too painful. I have never yet met a bmom who has gone on with her life without giving it another thought. (There may be some, I just haven't come across them!)

[just_jill]

I was only 15 when my baby boy was born in 1974. 35 long years ago. My husband and all four of my children know about him. The only thing they don't know is that A. I have been searching, and B. I have found him, however, through his adoptive Aunt. I do not know if she has told him yet.
I welcome any and all questions about that time in my life and have written a paper for him that I hope to share soon.

[Jon_C]

Good luck, melemitz1! I hope you find the answers to all your questions. I'm also an Indiana adoptee. I have been in contact with state intermediary as well. Just not sure if that's the route that I want to take yet. Keep us posted on what you find out.

[melemitz1]

Thank you everyone for all of your replies!!!

Jon C- just to let you know, it is costing me quite a bit of money to get this task accomplished!!!

I thought after paying a hefty amount to the CI that I was in the clear, just to find out when I received the court paperwork that I pay another $136 to have them process it!!!

It is worth it to me, just b/c I want to know and I have put this off so long. I really want more health information considering the fact that I have children now. I do not feel that an adoptee should have to go through paying an arm and a leg to get current health information.

I believe that adoptees have the right to at least have updated health information without having to pay to find out!!! To me, there should be an easier way than everyone having to pay to find out where they come from. How that system should work I'm not sure, but it just seems unfair to have to pay to find out your genetic history!!!

I will definitely update on what happens and how things work out!!!

[keds]

I wish you well and I do believe it is "money" well spent. I thank goodness, that where I live my bson was able to obtain all the information free of charge.

I was 17, still young, but was "sworn" to secrecy but eventually married bdad as he was "the love of my life". In any event, 25 years later he still rarely speaks of bson, family doesn't but I have reunited, thankfully, and I'm forcing them to come to terms. I celebrated his bday every year and am proud to say his siblings do as well. Not quite as I hope, as we all have our challenges but what is right for US isn't right for YOU, or ANYONE else. If you need a shoulder, I'm here as health and access to a computer allows. I can tell you that Kathy is a wonderful person as she has helped me through my reunion. I wish you all the best. Kate.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by melemitz1

Thank you everyone for all of your replies!!!
....
I believe that adoptees have the right to at least have updated health information without having to pay to find out!!! To me, there should be an easier way than everyone having to pay to find out where they come from. How that system should work I'm not sure, but it just seems unfair to have to pay to find out your genetic history!!!

I will definitely update on what happens and how things work out!!!

I agree that adoptees should always be able to find out medical information; of course, I also believe that adoptees are entitled to know as much as they want about their "biological heritage," including who their birth parents are.

Kate, thanks for the compliment.

[hkaj2006]

I was 17 when I found out that I was pregnant, 18 when I gave birth to my daughter. I chose to place her for adoption the day I found out that I was pregnant because I knew the adoptive family was financially, emotionally, and spiritually ready for a child. I am now 24, happily married and have 2 daughters of my own. We had a semi-open adoption and I still send cards and gifts for her birthday and Christmas, but other than that there is no communication.

About your questions, I would say that I have moved on sufficiently. Of course this is coming from someone who was at peace with her decision from the day she found out she was pregnant at 17! Everyone is different. I still have photo albums of all the pictures we took in the hospital when she was born, her hat from the hospital, ID bracelets, all of that good stuff. When my children get old enough to understand, they will know about their sister who does not live with them. My husband knew from our 2nd date that I had another child.

I do know for a fact that when she is 18 years old she can start looking for me, when she's 21 I can start looking for her. I look forward to meeting her!