[SeekingBalance]

I am wondering what you guys consider safe topics during initial reunion. i find myself to be walking on eggshells and I dont know how to relate to my birthmom. When i treat her like a friend, she pullsback. When i treat her like a business associate, she is very responsive. I have never had issues relating or connecting with anyone, and it is killing my self esteem. How can I talk to her?

I know not to mention my birthdad or her family yet, but is it wrong for me to ask some direct questions? like is she ever planning on letting anyone know about me, why didnt she have any other children, why she didnt send me the pics she promised, if this reunion is hard for her, if i can trust her, if she wants me in her life, how i was born, if i had a different name, if her joints are healthy, if she has diabetes in the family.... whats not right to ask.... what is too soon? i dont want to hurt her... or myself. so confused.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I don't really have answers for you, but I think a tad more info might help other birth parents or adoptees be able to weigh in.

For instance, how long has it been that you have been in contact? What is the nature and frequency of your contact (i.e. email once a month, in person visits, etc.)? How old are both of you (ballpark is fine )? What were the circumstances of your adoption (that you know)?

[kakuehl]

The difficulty for any of us in advising you is that we are all different. For instance, as a birth mom, I have been open to any questions from the beginning. D was not a secret, my family knew when we began to talk -- my other children were at our first meeting. I can and do talk about his bdad.

My best suggestion is to ask her what she wants. Use "I" language. "I am frustrated because I don't know what kind of relationship you want with me." "I would like to ask some questions, but I don't know how you feel about that,"

[Xdad]

... I am nervous about my daughter asking me "why". I'm not sure what to say to that.. there are a million reasons, but can find a justifiable one. As a birthfather, I want it all... but will take what is given. Good luck!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by SeekingBalance

I am wondering what you guys consider safe topics during initial reunion. i find myself to be walking on eggshells and I dont know how to relate to my birthmom. When i treat her like a friend, she pullsback. When i treat her like a business associate, she is very responsive. I have never had issues relating or connecting with anyone, and it is killing my self esteem. How can I talk to her?

I know not to mention my birthdad or her family yet, but is it wrong for me to ask some direct questions? like is she ever planning on letting anyone know about me, why didnt she have any other children, why she didnt send me the pics she promised, if this reunion is hard for her, if i can trust her, if she wants me in her life, how i was born, if i had a different name, if her joints are healthy, if she has diabetes in the family.... whats not right to ask.... what is too soon? i dont want to hurt her... or myself. so confused.

She may be as confused about this as you. So the business relationship is a good start.
Ask about your brith story see if she is willing to talk about that.
Tell her why you searched if you haven't already.
Ask about grandparents, a just like to know.
Ask about her marriage and is she happy.

Just ask..

[jmomma]

If she's pulling back she may be experiencing difficult emotions. She may be afraid. You sound like you're being very sensitive to her feelings and recognizing she may need space to process things.

I was ready to answer almost any question when my daughter first found me. The one that has always been a stickler was "why". I felt a lot of shame and guilt and that nothing I could say was worthwhile in that area. I had a great fear of her disappearing again and was afraid of saying things that would make her uncomfortable -- but I ended up doing it anyway. It's very confusing.

Let her know you have questions about your origins. You want to know where, how etc. or whatever it is you want to know, realizing that each of us deals with these things at our own pace. Good luck.

[just_jill]

Should I ever have the opportunity to speak with my boy, I would more than welcome any and all questions from him. My nightmare is that he will have none and we are just sitting there looking at one another with nothing but silence between us.