[erikamarie]

Hello all,
I am actually an adoptee but I am writing a paper for my college class and I was wondering if I could get some feedback. I do not know much about the birthmother side of the triangle so I was hoping that i could come here for some help and understanding.

My topics are either, "Should adopted children be allowed to search for their biological parents?" or "should women who give their children up for adoption, be allowed to keep their identities secret?" I am not sure which one I am going to choose yet but they are both very interesting to me.

Any input would be great. I was also hoping that I may be able to put some of your quotes into my paper. if not that is fine, just let me know. if you prefer you can pm me or email me at erikadebois3@aol.com.

thanks so much for all your help.
Erika

[BrandyHagz]

I think any time you use the word "allowed" you are taking away an adults freedom to make choices that work best for them.

So, in my opinion, neither of your topics work for me (as a birth mother or as an adoptee) because as an adult, living in a free country, I am free to make whatever decision works best for me.

You might consider rewording your questions in a manner than takes in to account the fact that we're taking about free thinking adults who should be able to make decisions about their life without others making it for them...

Maybe something along the lines of "Should adult adoptees be granted unrestricted access to their adoption records, should they want it" and likewise for birth parents - and while sure, we're not "allowed" access now - we're also not children - and if we continue to take a submissive stance by using language that indicates we need permission from our parents/guardians to make adult decisions, we'll never really get past the hurdle.

As for keeping secrets - the longer we continue to indicate to others that adoption is something worth keeping secret, we will continue to cast a shadow of shame on adoption.

Adoption, adopting, placing, being adopted - none of those things are shameworthy - so there really is no reason to keep anything a secret...unless we keep telling others that adoption is worthy of secret keeping.

I support open, unrestricted access to original records for adopted adults.

I support a birth parents right to choose, just as I support an adopted adults right to choose who they wish to have in their lives in the form of interpersonal relationships.

A birth parent shouldn't have the ability to control the access an adopted adult has to their records - but they have the freedom, just as anyone else in the free world, to have control over who they invite into their life.

Good luck with your work.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by erikamarie

Hello all,
I am actually an adoptee but I am writing a paper for my college class and I was wondering if I could get some feedback. I do not know much about the birthmother side of the triangle so I was hoping that i could come here for some help and understanding.

My topics are either, "Should adopted children be allowed to search for their biological parents?" or "should women who give their children up for adoption, be allowed to keep their identities secret?" I am not sure which one I am going to choose yet but they are both very interesting to me.

Any input would be great. I was also hoping that I may be able to put some of your quotes into my paper. if not that is fine, just let me know. if you prefer you can pm me or email me at erikadebois3@aol.com.

thanks so much for all your help.
Erika

Yes adoptee's should be allowed to search.

Adoptive parents she have all information in case of an emmergency in a closed adoption.

Birthparents who are victims of rape should be required to keep medical information up to date. Adoption agency's should be Legally Required to inform birth and adoptive parents.

If one or the other side is searching then government and adoption agencys should be required to inform the person being search for if an adult or the adoptive parents if the child is a minor.

Still in this day and age employees who are against reunion do not tell anyone. Have been known not to even look in files to see if one or the other party has left contact information.

I know a birthmother in Canada whose sister is an adoptive mother. The child a boy died at 16 in a teenage accident of riding on the outside of a truck.
Canada has a data base those looking can check. This amom refused to look for or tell the data base that the boy is dead. Even though my friend has offered to do a search for the boys birthmom to tell her.

I know a birthmom who when she went to search found out her baby died at 6 months. The adoption was never completed. Yet NO one bothered to contact her and tell her. She waited until his 18th birthday to search only to find her child dead of a birth defect.

[chloroxsis]

Erika,
What do you think? You're an adoptee. Have you ever searched?

I think adult adoptees should be ale to search. Ideally, if the bmom does not want to be contacted, she will have left some note or letter explaining her wishes to give that child closure. If bmom's do not feel they can have some space to move on -- if that's what they want in the future -- I fear for the children that will be born and cannot be cared for by their bfamilies. If the bmom wants to be found, it's easy.

What about if a bmom wants to find her child years later? Does she have the right to reappear in her child's life?

I'm glad there are open adoptions now. It saves some of this heartache.

Also, to take some negativity out of your statement, it's better to think that a child was "placed for" adoption rather than "put up for."

Good luck!

[my2sons]

I am both an adoptee and a birthparent. I would have never kept anything from my son, In hopes that he would search for and find me which he did both. As for the adoptee side of things, nothing should ever be kept from a person about who they are, where they come from or medical history. I have been searching for my mother for 27 years now with no success because at the time of my adoption, nothing was ever available to the adoptee or the adoptive parents. Please state in your paper that adoption is not being allowed access, but actually more about the being denied access. Good Luck with your research

[kakuehl]

As I read your topics, they both appear to be slanted from the adoptees viewpoint (very understandable). If you have a choice in the wording of your topics, I would suggest changng "allowed" to "be able to" and "give children up" to "place" or "relinquish children." (The changes are subtle, I know.) From my viewpoint as a birthmother, all records should be open to adoptees. I can understand bmoms not wanting contact (although personally I would never not want contact), even though I truly believe that "secrets" are harmful to all involved. At the very least, adoptees should always be able to find out medical information at any age. In my own situation, I have always loved my bson and wanted the best for him. That includes believing that having a relationship with me is his choice. (I am blessed that he wants me to be part of his life.)

Off topic, I always believed that while I was open to contact if he looked, I shouldn't look for him. He, on the other hand, believed that if I cared, I would look for him. Ultimately, I found him through this site because he had already registered.