[Brookes1stmom]

I am new to this site. My name is Stephanie. I am 27yrs old. My story is a little bit different from others, so please allow me to share my story and feelings. I need to get this out to other people who are having some of the same feelings I am.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 7yrs now and have 4 amazing children ranging in ages from 6-10. Last year (2008) my husband and I began having problems and me, not thinking straight, ended up cheating on him and getting myself pregnant. I told my husband everything and he still stuck by me. I pretty much blocked all contact with the bfather to make my marriage work with my husband. I told my husband that since the day I found out I was pregnant, that I was giving the baby up for adoption to friends of mine because I couldn't expect him to raise another child with me that wasn't his, there would also be the constant reminder that I cheated and I didn't want to torture him with it. He was very supportive of my decision. I always knew, even if he didn't tell me, that he would leave me if I kept my baby. So I had 2 choices, keep my baby and be a single mother struggling to care for 5 children, or give my baby to my friends who have longed for a baby for years and work things out with my husband. So I chose my husband over my baby.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on Sept 22, 2009. My friend was in the OR with me (I had a scheduled c-section) and she was able to cut the cord which she was thrilled about. They named my daughter Brooke Isabelle. She was absolutely perfect. The minute she was layed on my chest, I lost it and cried. I thought I had prepared myself throughout the pregnancy, for coming home without my daughter but can you ever really prepare yourself for that? I fell in love with my daughter and I couldn't imagine how the goodbye was going to go. My friends who adopted gave me a necklace in the hospital. They said it represents not only 2 hearts bonded forever, but 2 families. I haven't taken it off, not even to shower or sleep. It means so much to me and around my neck is where it will remain.

The night before I was to say goodbye to my daughter, I stayed up all night just holding her in my arms and staring at her. How was I going to let her go? I was so in love with her! I always did want her, but knew that I couldn't do it She even stared back at me for a good amount of time. I wish she could read what was going thru my head and I wished she knew how much I love her and was so sorry that I had to do this!

The next morning came when I was going to be discharged. I took a shower and the Aparents got my baby girl dressed to go home. They offered me the hat that she wore in the hospital and I cried. The Aparents ended up leaving the room and going outside to wait for me to bring Brooke out to them. I picked her up and looked at her and just cried my butt off. How was I going to do it? I didn't want to let her go. My husband even held her for a few minutes and cried. He also rubbed my back while I cried. He didn't want to let her go either. He wanted to carry her in his arms outside to the Aparents but the nurses told him he had to carry her in the car seat. I was reeled out in a wheel chair.

We get to the Aparents van and my husband put Brooke in there. I got in next to her, held her little hand, stared at her and cried again. I told her that I love her very much and I was so so sorry! After crying for awhile I got out of the van and Amom grabbed me and cried with me. She whispered in my ear thanking me for making their dreams come true and she told me she loved me. As I gave Adad a hug, she closed the side door of her van where Brooke was. Adad also thanked me!

I walked to my van which was right next to theirs and that side door was open so I got in and gave Brooke one more kiss goodbye! I got into my van and cried on the ride home. I asked my husband why he cried and he said because he couldn't believe he let me go thru with that. I told him he didn't want to let her go either and he said he didn't want to let her go for me. He hates to see me cry and hurting.

We got home and I continued to cry. Its been a little over 2 weeks. I still cry daily. I wake up every night thinking I hear a baby cry. I am sick of getting things in the mail saying "congrats on your new baby!" I see updated pics of Brooke as I am on Amom and Adad's facebook friends. Its so hard to see the pictures. I never realized how badly I want another baby until I had Brooke. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to feed my children, I miss the cuddles, I miss the bond and the love with a newborn. I miss everything! In a way I am jealous of Brooke's Aparents. They have exactly what I want.

The day I said goodbye to her I had thoughts of just grabbing her and running but I knew I couldn't. I have 4 amazing kids at home who need me. I try so hard to hide my hurt and pain from them and when I am alone, all I do is cry. My 4 children are all in school full time and my husband works. So during the day all I do is sleep, cry, and feel lonely and empty. I will always be part of the Aparents and Brooke's lives but its still so hard. I want her at home with me!

I think all the time, "is Brooke going to hate me for keeping my other kids but not her?" "Are my other kids going to hate me when they find out I gave up their sister?" "Was choosing my husband over my baby a stupid move?" I feel I made the adoption decision for all the wrong reasons, not the right reasons. I knew I could take care of her, I'd struggle but I could do it. But I chose to keep my family together instead of keeping my baby. Sometimes I hate myself for the decision I made. Other times I'm glad I made that decision because I see how in love my friends are with Brooke and how content Brooke seems and that makes my heart smile. But it still brings tears. Will there ever be a day where I wake up and its not the first thing that comes to my mind? Will there ever be a day I finally go without crying?

Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. I hope to become a very active member of this board!

[Withay]

I've never had to give up a child. I've never had the experience of giving birth. I am in the final stages of adopting a wonderful, precious, little boy. I daily thank his first mom for him. He is the love of my life.

I don't have any advice, just lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}} for you. I care.

[KarynB]

Hi Brooke,

I just read your story and it really touched a nerve with me. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have access to a counsellor who can help you work through some of these feelings of sadness? I also wonder if you will end up resenting your husband in the end - perhaps marriage counselling as well?

As well, is it an option for you to parent this baby, or have final papers been signed already?

I really have no good advice, I've never been in your situation, but my heart certainly goes out to you. I'm really sorry this has been such a hard time in your life.

[mommytoEli]

welcome to the boards. i am crying having just read your story. it is a very emotional one. i hope you have or get some support to carry you through this really rough time. again, welcome.

[Brookes1stmom]

Originally Posted by KarynB

Hi Brooke,

I just read your story and it really touched a nerve with me. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have access to a counsellor who can help you work through some of these feelings of sadness? I also wonder if you will end up resenting your husband in the end - perhaps marriage counselling as well?

As well, is it an option for you to parent this baby, or have final papers been signed already?

I really have no good advice, I've never been in your situation, but my heart certainly goes out to you. I'm really sorry this has been such a hard time in your life.

I do not have a counselor. I have actually chosen not to talk to one. I don't want to be on any type of meds (like uppers). I want to feel this pain, believe it or not.

I have had several friends also bring up that I may end up resenting my husband. I can never blame him for the poor choices I made and for my decision in giving Brooke up for adoption. I take full responsibility for my actions and now have to deal with the consequences. I hope I don't some day resent him, but I can't tell the future. Right now all I can do is thank him for sticking by me even though I was pregnant with another mans baby and for wiping my tears for the past 2 weeks. He's an amazing man!

I could very well parent my Brooke. But could I really hurt my friends and take her back after they have had her for 2 weeks? What would I tell my other kids about why she is living with us? The final papers are not done yet, they won't be for several more weeks. Right now they just have caretaker rights. I don't know what to do! I don't want to lose my baby for good but I also don't want to lose my husband

[DancinBear63]

Oh, I wish I had so much more to offer you than my thoughts and prayers. Please consider talking to a counselor- I think you still have a lot of big decisions to make.

[Brookes1stmom]

Originally Posted by DancinBear63

Oh, I wish I had so much more to offer you than my thoughts and prayers. Please consider talking to a counselor- I think you still have a lot of big decisions to make.

Thank you for the toughts and prayers! They mean a lot!

How would I find a counselor that would understand my position? And can I ask you what decisions you still think I have to make? I've never dealt with this myself. I still ask my friends who are going to adopt several questions. They know more about all of this than I do. Thank you!

[loveajax]

Brookes, I think dancing means that you have every right to parent if you haven't signed the termination of parental rights (or are in a state with a revocation period even if you have). You definitely should talk to someone about your rights. And to a good counselor even if you decide not to parent.

Can you talk to your dh about parenting? I mean, he knows of the affair, and has forgiven you. Could the two of you stay together and raise this child?

You sound like a good mom...do you think brooke should be adopted? If not, then you shouldn't go thru with it, even if they are friends. Your only responsibility is to do what you think is best for brooke.

Good luck and I am sorry for what you are going thru.

[Brookes1stmom]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Brookes, I think dancing means that you have every right to parent if you haven't signed the termination of parental rights (or are in a state with a revocation period even if you have). You definitely should talk to someone about your rights. And to a good counselor even if you decide not to parent.

Can you talk to your dh about parenting? I mean, he knows of the affair, and has forgiven you. Could the two of you stay together and raise this child?

You sound like a good mom...do you think brooke should be adopted? If not, then you shouldn't go thru with it, even if they are friends. Your only responsibility is to do what you think is best for brooke.

Good luck and I am sorry for what you are going thru.

I have talked to my dh a little bit about whether or not I could parent her. He has told me he would leave because that would give Bfather a reason to be in my life. My dh absolutely hates him because he was so in love with me and didn't want me to stay with my dh. He wanted me to leave him to parent Brooke with him. I understand my husbands reasoning, I really do! But then again, that's my baby girl! Couldn't he love me enough to allow me to have both?

I can't answer any other questions of yours because I am so torn! I do believe I am an awesome mom. I am a stay at home mom. I live for my kids! They are my everything and I'd do anything and everything for them! Brooke is no different! I would do anything for her! She is just as much my child as my 4 children at home with me! I honestly don't know what the right decision is! I just don't know. I am in a serious state of confusion and loneliness. I really just don't know I love my friends with all my heart! I can't imagine tearing their hearts out by taking Brooke back. I think my head is spinning in a million different directions. Is this normal after you place your child? Or am I the only one feeling this?

[ucme4dk]

Hi Brookes,
As a amom who has been on these boards for many years I can honestly tell you that your feelings are very normal and heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your pain. I can feel it in your words. I can tell you that many, MANY biomoms have wrote on here about the lifetime of pain they have had for following through on an adoption plan. Especially if it was not for themself, but rather for someone else...or like you with a ultimatum from your husband. If you have the option to parent still I truly suggest that you strongly consider it. Seek a neutral therapist, not one associated with an adoption agency. Weigh your options...every option. I just would hate for you to surrender your parental rights out of guilt. No matter what the devastation of the Aparents...it has still only been 2 weeks and I feel that you are going to be dealing with a lifetime of pain. Many biomoms on here struggle throughout their childrens entire childhood with the pain, anguish, and depression of surrendering a child. They state that the pain never really goes away or gets better. I'm wishing you peace and strength during this very difficult time. You will remain in my thoughts.
Sincerely,

[Brookes1stmom]

Originally Posted by ucme4dk

Hi Brookes,
As a amom who has been on these boards for many years I can honestly tell you that your feelings are very normal and heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your pain. I can feel it in your words. I can tell you that many, MANY biomoms have wrote on here about the lifetime of pain they have had for following through on an adoption plan. Especially if it was not for themself, but rather for someone else...or like you with a ultimatum from your husband. If you have the option to parent still I truly suggest that you strongly consider it. Seek a neutral therapist, not one associated with an adoption agency. Weigh your options...every option. I just would hate for you to surrender your parental rights out of guilt. No matter what the devastation of the Aparents...it has still only been 2 weeks and I feel that you are going to be dealing with a lifetime of pain. Many biomoms on here struggle throughout their childrens entire childhood with the pain, anguish, and depression of surrendering a child. They state that the pain never really goes away or gets better. I'm wishing you peace and strength during this very difficult time. You will remain in my thoughts.
Sincerely,

You totally have me crying from your reply to me! Thank you!

I don't know what to do really. I'm scared, hurt, sad, lonely, confused...yet happy for the Aparents as they are so in love with my Brooke. Amom emailed me today and told me Brooke is good, she doesn't have one complaint. The more tired she is, the happier she is. She told me I am not just a friend- I am family and that's the way it will always be.

I have friends and family who see my pain. Some tell me to get her back. Other tells me what a wonderful, unselfish thing I did and they respect me for it. Other tell me I will resent my husband, other tells me I made the right choice because losing my husband by keeping my baby could cause lots of problems. I have so many different opinions coming my way and I am so confused! I really just don't know

I miss Brooke more than anything! I love her more than words can say! I would have been an awesome mommy to her, I know it, even if I did struggle. I just want her to be happy and well taken care of and spoiled. She deserves it!

[karaboo]

I don't think you ever "get over" losing a child...eventually you just become stronger than your pain.

[Dickons]

What about the childs father? Is he for the adoption?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Brookes1stmom]

Originally Posted by Dickons

What about the childs father? Is he for the adoption?

Kind regards,
Dickons

Yes he is. He only wanted to raise her if it was with me being with him which I refused to do. He is also on the Amoms facebook and gets to see pictures of Brooke. His parents were the ones who originally talked to me about adoption. They don't think the father is stable enough to care for a child.

[Brookes1stmom]

I haven't done a lot of thinking on this, I'm trying not to cuz the more thinking I do, the more I want her.

So I've come to the conclusion that I cannot take her back I can't do that to my friends when I love and care for them so much! I can't do that to my husband who I made promises to. I can't do it to my kids when they thought all along that she was a surrogate baby (although to make this loud and clear, she was NOT a surrogate baby).

I have absolutely nothing for a baby! No clothes, no car seat, no crib, no nothing. My youngest is 6yrs old. I got rid of all that stuff after I had her since I thought I didn't want any more kids.

So Brooke with stay with her Aparents, as hard as that is for me to say. I will get the pleasure of seeing her a few times a year and getting pics and updates of her all the time. I guess I can thank god for that!

My heart is tore up coming to this conclusion. I just don't feel there is a better choice. I hate myself! But maybe in time this will get easier. I guess in my situation, I am just not as strong as some of you on here, no matter what choice I made