[xemtrockstarx]

But I really need and want birth mother's perspectives!

Bit of a background (not that this really matters):
I was adopted at two days old COMPLETELY closed adoption (My parents never met my bio mom, don't know her name, she doesn't know mine as far as I know). My birth mother was very young when she had me and I do have a note from her from 21 years ago. It's a very moving, awesome note IMO. I've read it over the years and my adoption has never been a secret (would have been hard considering both of my adoptive parents are caucasian and I am bi-racial).

I just turned 21 a couple months ago and never put much thought into actually tracking her down (at 21 I could look). I've never felt abandoned or unwanted. I have some health information from her side, but not my birth father's. She claimed she did not know who he was, however, the social worker told my parents she got the impression she probably did but did not want him to interfere with her decision.

I'm not angry at her, and am actually quite grateful to her for choosing my awesome family (although my adoption was closed my birth mother choose my parents out of the bunch with unidentifying imformation ^_^). I completely understand why she chose adoption and am actually thrilled that she did (granted I obviously do not know what I was missing, but I know I would have never wanted to miss out on having the family I do). Her letter was...amazing for someone her age (she wrote this when she had me), and from her letter she seems like she would be a very neat person (the social worker also told my parents she thought she was a very good kid, granted she's not a kid anymore lol). It's neat to read the letter, my handwriting is a lot like hers.

Now a couple of times since turning 21 I realized she had the option of initiating contact with me. I poo-pooed the idea and didn't think much of it again because I assumed most birth parents do not go looking for their biological children, that it is usually the other way around.

I was wrong. A couple of days ago my parents received a letter indicating that my birth mother had contacted the adoption agency and wanted to contact me. I was, to say the least, suprised. Now, I have always known I was adopted. I have always known my birth mother is out there somewhere, and I have always known that one day we may cross paths I just did not expect it to be...well, now.

I don't know what to feel. I've cried (I am pmsing though :/ TMI lol), I've talked to my parents, my boyfriend, my brother (who is also adopted but not my biological brother) and I'm still not sure what to do. I do have some kind of love for her because she gave me the gift of life and the gift of a great family. I'm not sure why I am so overwhelmed. I'm not angry by this but....surprised. It brings so many questions up, like are there alterior motives, is it the right thing to accept the contact, would I be a bad person if I didn't? Do I have biological siblings? Can she now finally give me information on my birth father? What kind of relationship does she want to have?

My dad is skeptical (he's just trying to protect his daughter) but supportive. My mom is supportive and doesn't think going slow with the contact would be a bad idea if I choose that. My brother (who has issues with being adopted) told me he wishes when he turns 21 he gets a letter (breaks my heart he hasn't adjusted after 19 years), and my boyfriend supports whatever I do and thinks I should take it slow.

I don't have high expectations (simply based on the fact so many adopted kids that find their birth parents end up so disappointed), and I am not looking for another "mother" (and I doubt she is looking to be that either). I don't know what would come of having contact with her, but in many ways I want to.

Can birth moms give me any insight on what they go through while dealing with placing children for adoption, post adoption, and initiating contact with their children? I've tried thinking like a birth parent, but I can't. I don't know what it is like. I assume after all this time I would want a little closure, make sure I made the right decision but that is all I come up with.

I'm excited because this means she's never stopped thinking about me, but I'm also not excited because everything is a little overwhelming and outside my comfort zone (which I am sure I will get over). I am sure my curiosity will get the best of me and I will get into contact with her, it's just crazy after all these years it's happening...never really considering it would/could. If she wants to contact me, I don't want to say no. I just feel that is not the right thing to do but I'm still...iffy.

for any replies! I know this is a decision I have to make on my own but maybe some insight would be helpful in my decision.

[geogdeb]

Hi Xemtrockstarx,

I am a birthmother and have been in reunion with my birthson since 2006. He is 30 years old and the adoption was also closed. I hope I can help in some way.

Keep in mind, this is my experience only, but many, many bmoms I have talked to have similar feelings and experiences.

First, many of us, especially during the "closed era" were in social, financial, family and/or religious situations where it was made very clear to us that since we were young, poor and single, we would not be able to parent our children. I was brought up in a very religious home and society. When I got pregnant, although my mother was loving and kind, she and the church offered no other solution than adoption. I was told I would be given no financial help AND that I couldn't possibly be a good mother since I was 17 and unmarried. I was shipped away to a foster home 5 hours away and had my baby in secret. I told not to see him in the hospital and was put under general anesthesia. I only held him once, and that was at the adoption agency and under close supervision.

However, I loved him. My heart and arms ached for him. But I thought for sure I had done the right thing. Unfortunately, I did not write him a nice letter (like the one your birthmom wrote you). I just didn't know what I could say. And I was told I could meet him when he turned 18 (which was a lie). I felt sooo guilty. Guilty I had gotten pregnant, but even more guilty I hadn't defied everyone and kept my son. When he turned 18 I made sure to leave contact information for him at the agency. When he was 21 I called the agency and updated everything and tried to get information. They wouldn't give me anything, nor would they try and make contact with him and let him know I was looking - or at least not for several years later after I contacted a lawyer (long, long story).

Anyway, the point is, I never forgot him. I knew he didn't feel the same way about me. In fact, it seems he had many of the same feelings you have (without the PMS ). Luckily, he has a very nice family. And they have been supportive of our reunion. I love him very much AND I like the person he has become. But I know I did not raise him and he thinks of me more as a friend than a mother. It is hard, but at least I now know he is ok. I know where he is and what he looks like. It was torture for almost 27 years, not knowing. I talk to him on a regular basis and try to see him as often as possible, but he lives over 1000 miles away.

My life changed after the adoption. The guilt was tremendous. Not knowing where he lived, who he was, or even if he was alive almost drove me crazy. I had 3 other children, one who died as an infant. That was incredibly painful and hard - losing two sons as infants, but I had support and closure (I hate that word) when my last son died. I had none of that after losing my firstborn to adoption. Adoption is not easy on bmoms, even when they feel like it was the right thing to do.

Your bmom probably wants what I wanted. First she wants to know you are ok. And she wants to know you had a happy home - and it sounds like you really did - she will be thrilled about that. She also might want a relationship. But most bmoms realize that they can never take the place of your adoptive mother. However, having someone else who loves you unconditionally is a good thing. You can never have too much love.

I would encourage you to at least communicate with her a little. Let her know a little about you. You don't even have to give identifying information - you can communicate through the adoption agency. That's what my son and I did for awhile. Adoption reunion is a roller coaster ride. It is full of highs and lows. It sounds like you have already experienced some of that. But it generally gets easier. And IMO it is so worth it. Take it slow. Exchange a couple of letters and maybe some pictures. Then decide. Your bmom will understand. It will be hard for her to wait, but she obviously has never forgotten you and has always loved you.

Good luck and let me know how it goes. And let me know if I can help.

Deb

[kakuehl]

I also am a birthmom who in in contact with her birthson. No of us can say what kind of relationship your bmom envisions. I can only speak for myself. D is 37 and we are 4 years into our "reunion." I have always loved him and wanted the best for him. I hoped he'd look for me someday and I wanted it to be possible. When I finally got computer/internet savvy (Who am I kidding - I stumbled into adoption.com!) I found him almost instantly because he had registered. It took a very little detective work to find his current address (actually I found his parents.)

Our relationship is a very healthy one. It is not a traditional mother/son relationship. We feel a biological connection (at least I know I do), but his parents are the people who raised him. He has included me (and my family) with his in family celebrations. He does view my other children as his siblings. I guess the best way I can describe our relationship is that we are adults who are related and like one another. (I need to recognize that both of us were pretty healthy and mature adults when we connected.)

Decide what you want from a relationship with your birth mother. Are you interested in learning about your genetic family? Medical history? As Deb says, take it slowly. We call it the rollercoaster because that's what our emotions do! I don't think D regrets the "reunion", I know I don't! Again, as Deb says, we are here: to listen and to support.

[xemtrockstarx]

Thank you so much ladies! Both of your expiriences really do help!

I don't know if most adoptions in 88' were closed, but I am fairly sure my birth mother had some conflicting issues with her being 16 at the time and her family. My parents decided to adopt bi-racial babies because they didn't care that we were a little "different" from them and unfortunately bi-racial kids can be harder to place (and were considered special needs at the time) and the wait period is less than that of a healthy caucasian baby. They didn't care what we were, they just wanted to be parents.

However, I do not think my birth mother's family felt the same way. When my brother and I were young we used to attend adoption picnics and functions so were in touch with a lot of other adopted kids. One of my friends (who was bi-racial, was placed through the same agency, and was adopted by a caucasian lady) was born around the time my parents were expecting their child to be placed with them but I came early because story goes that my birth mother didn't let them know I was going to be bi-racial (again, they thought she had known all along but was firm in her decision and did not want turmoil created too soon). My parents may or may not have ended up with another child (my friend) if I had not been bi-racial. They (social workers, attorneys) thought my birth mother had known but because of her family did not want to let it be known until after she had me, apparently her mother or grandmother nearly fainted when I came out lol

In her letter she states she didn't want to do wrong by me because she was still a child herself and I completely understand her struggle with that. I doubt I could have been as selfless in her situation (not saying that all young people could not be good parents but I know I personally would not have been). I still doubt I could be a good parent (I'm mature enough to still know I too immature for a baby lol). Anyway, I think there probably was a slew of issues for her to work through if she had decided to parent me that a sixteen year old would have had a very hard time with.

I do have an interest in knowning the whole story and forming some kind of relationship with her. I just hope if she has children or a husband that they know about me and I don't have to be a secret. I would understand but at the same time that would perturb me based on the fact she wanted to find me. I figure if I had tried to find her I would hope that she would have been alright with me communicating with me, and I am fairly sure I would like to communicate with her.

[xemtrockstarx]

Okay so I called the agency today and left a message - the lady who deals with it is out of town. Sooooo guess it is a waiting game from here. I wanted to see if they could give me more information before I made my decision but I am fairly sure I know what my decision will be. I don't know if they can give me her information since she requested it? I'd love to have a name to say the least. Maybe she's on myspace...I don't want to be a background stalker but it would be nice to gain some insight before actually communicating with her.

[countrygirl87]

I dont know if i can be much of help. I right now am thinking about putting my unborn baby up for adoption. I know i am having a really hard time with it right now. And in the end i just hope i can get letters and photos sent to me. i just want to make sure the baby will be safe and ok throughout growing up.

[xemtrockstarx]

Oh yeah, these days I think open adoptions are not a bad idea at all. I guess I cannot say if I would have liked one because I didn't have one and that was a choice my birth mother and adoptive parents made (I am sure my adoptive parents would have had no problem sending pictures but my birth mother preferred closed or may have thought that was the best for that time).

I think the child having some kind of relationship with the first parents isn't a bad idea and might make it less awkward to form some kind of relationship later. I know if mine had been an open-ish adoption it might not be as overwhelming for me now. Just make sure you know what you want before you place your baby and make sure everyone is in understanding.

[geogdeb]

Hi Xemtrockstarx,

I am glad to hear you are at least willing to give you bmom a chance. It sounds like she had very little family support when she was pregnant with you - and 16 is very young. But the maternal instincts still kick in. She carried you under her heart for 9 months. She feels a bond that you probably don't feel.

In 1988 many adoptions were still closed. My sister adopted in the 1990s and theirs was a closed adoption. I think open adoptions are more common now, but there are still many closed adoptions. The best book to help you understand what birthmothers go through is "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. Although she writes about girls who relinquished before 1973, the feelings don't change. And the guilt and manipulation felt by bmoms is still around. It has gotten better in the last decade, but in 1988 I can guarantee your bmom felt a lot guilt for being pregnant and a lot of pressure to relinquish you.

Please let us know how things go! Now that you have shared your story with us I am excited to hear about your journey.

(((HUGS)))

Deb

[geogdeb]

I would bet her husband and children (if she has any) know about you if she is searching. That is one thing that has changed a lot in the past 20 years. Bmoms seem more comfortable sharing now.

[xemtrockstarx]

Originally Posted by geogdeb

Hi Xemtrockstarx,

I am glad to hear you are at least willing to give you bmom a chance. It sounds like she had very little family support when she was pregnant with you - and 16 is very young. But the maternal instincts still kick in. She carried you under her heart for 9 months. She feels a bond that you probably don't feel.

In 1988 many adoptions were still closed. My sister adopted in the 1990s and theirs was a closed adoption. I think open adoptions are more common now, but there are still many closed adoptions. The best book to help you understand what birthmothers go through is "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. Although she writes about girls who relinquished before 1973, the feelings don't change. And the guilt and manipulation felt by bmoms is still around. It has gotten better in the last decade, but in 1988 I can guarantee your bmom felt a lot guilt for being pregnant and a lot of pressure to relinquish you.

Please let us know how things go! Now that you have shared your story with us I am excited to hear about your journey.

(((HUGS)))

Deb

I am definitely going to have to pick that book up (I'm such a reader lol). I hope she doesn't regret her decision because while I am sure she would have been a fine mother, I am so glad I have the family that I do; however, it would be kind of neat (the more I think about it) to get in touch with her. I am just really trying to keep expectations low (not because I think low of her, but because I just do not want to be disappointed).

I mean, I just have question after question. I'm full of em now the more I think about it! I will definitely update frequently, I am sure I will need more great advice, everyone is so helpful!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by xemtrockstarx

But I really need and want birth mother's perspectives!

Bit of a background (not that this really matters):
I was adopted at two days old COMPLETELY closed adoption (My parents never met my bio mom, don't know her name, she doesn't know mine as far as I know). My birth mother was very young when she had me and I do have a note from her from 21 years ago. It's a very moving, awesome note IMO. I've read it over the years and my adoption has never been a secret (would have been hard considering both of my adoptive parents are caucasian and I am bi-racial).

I just turned 21 a couple months ago and never put much thought into actually tracking her down (at 21 I could look). I've never felt abandoned or unwanted. I have some health information from her side, but not my birth father's. She claimed she did not know who he was, however, the social worker told my parents she got the impression she probably did but did not want him to interfere with her decision.

I'm not angry at her, and am actually quite grateful to her for choosing my awesome family (although my adoption was closed my birth mother choose my parents out of the bunch with unidentifying imformation ^_^). I completely understand why she chose adoption and am actually thrilled that she did (granted I obviously do not know what I was missing, but I know I would have never wanted to miss out on having the family I do). Her letter was...amazing for someone her age (she wrote this when she had me), and from her letter she seems like she would be a very neat person (the social worker also told my parents she thought she was a very good kid, granted she's not a kid anymore lol). It's neat to read the letter, my handwriting is a lot like hers.

Now a couple of times since turning 21 I realized she had the option of initiating contact with me. I poo-pooed the idea and didn't think much of it again because I assumed most birth parents do not go looking for their biological children, that it is usually the other way around.

I was wrong. A couple of days ago my parents received a letter indicating that my birth mother had contacted the adoption agency and wanted to contact me. I was, to say the least, suprised. Now, I have always known I was adopted. I have always known my birth mother is out there somewhere, and I have always known that one day we may cross paths I just did not expect it to be...well, now.

I don't know what to feel. I've cried (I am pmsing though :/ TMI lol), I've talked to my parents, my boyfriend, my brother (who is also adopted but not my biological brother) and I'm still not sure what to do. I do have some kind of love for her because she gave me the gift of life and the gift of a great family. I'm not sure why I am so overwhelmed. I'm not angry by this but....surprised. It brings so many questions up, like are there alterior motives, is it the right thing to accept the contact, would I be a bad person if I didn't? Do I have biological siblings? Can she now finally give me information on my birth father? What kind of relationship does she want to have?

My dad is skeptical (he's just trying to protect his daughter) but supportive. My mom is supportive and doesn't think going slow with the contact would be a bad idea if I choose that. My brother (who has issues with being adopted) told me he wishes when he turns 21 he gets a letter (breaks my heart he hasn't adjusted after 19 years), and my boyfriend supports whatever I do and thinks I should take it slow.

I don't have high expectations (simply based on the fact so many adopted kids that find their birth parents end up so disappointed), and I am not looking for another "mother" (and I doubt she is looking to be that either). I don't know what would come of having contact with her, but in many ways I want to.

Can birth moms give me any insight on what they go through while dealing with placing children for adoption, post adoption, and initiating contact with their children? I've tried thinking like a birth parent, but I can't. I don't know what it is like. I assume after all this time I would want a little closure, make sure I made the right decision but that is all I come up with.

I'm excited because this means she's never stopped thinking about me, but I'm also not excited because everything is a little overwhelming and outside my comfort zone (which I am sure I will get over). I am sure my curiosity will get the best of me and I will get into contact with her, it's just crazy after all these years it's happening...never really considering it would/could. If she wants to contact me, I don't want to say no. I just feel that is not the right thing to do but I'm still...iffy.

for any replies! I know this is a decision I have to make on my own but maybe some insight would be helpful in my decision.

First, the medical info you have is 21 years old. When I gave up my son everyone in my family was healthy. The only family issue was diabetes, an Aunt and cousin.

When I found my son he was 33, my father had lost a leg due to circulation issues, he'd had a heart by pass..
Health issues had changed dramatically.

Second, my sons adoption was also closed. The lawyer did not want to know the birth father's name and refused to write it down. Because he might cause problems. So if your bmom was very young she may have been told not to tell or told he didn't matter.

Third, your bmom went on blind faith to trust "absolute" strangers with her child. From only a letter or stats she gave you to them. Trusting that they would love you with no real assurances that they would.

As a parent I can see your father's fear, but, you are an adult, no longer a defenseless infant. If your bmom could trust them with her helpless baby, why can't they trust you and her to hopefully be good for each other. She can't steal you away, you won't love them less, if it all goes well you will have more people who love you.

I think after years of being parents some, only some adoptive parents forget they got a baby who couldn't defend itself, a young mom trusted them with this innocent life that she gave birth too, then years later they don't want to trust her with thier grown child. They forget. If she is looking she is holding the love reserved for you in her heart.

Good luck

[xemtrockstarx]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

First, the medical info you have is 21 years old. When I gave up my son everyone in my family was healthy. The only family issue was diabetes, an Aunt and cousin.

When I found my son he was 33, my father had lost a leg due to circulation issues, he'd had a heart by pass..
Health issues had changed dramatically.

Second, my sons adoption was also closed. The lawyer did not want to know the birth father's name and refused to write it down. Because he might cause problems. So if your bmom was very young she may have been told not to tell or told he didn't matter.

Third, your bmom went on blind faith to trust "absolute" strangers with her child. From only a letter or stats she gave you to them. Trusting that they would love you with no real assurances that they would.

As a parent I can see your father's fear, but, you are an adult, no longer a defenseless infant. If your bmom could trust them with her helpless baby, why can't they trust you and her to hopefully be good for each other. She can't steal you away, you won't love them less, if it all goes well you will have more people who love you.

I think after years of being parents some, only some adoptive parents forget they got a baby who couldn't defend itself, a young mom trusted them with this innocent life that she gave birth too, then years later they don't want to trust her with thier grown child. They forget. If she is looking she is holding the love reserved for you in her heart.

Good luck

Thank you! You situation does sound something like my birthmother's in the area of the birthfather. Although the lawyers asked, it was never really pushed and she insisted no one know who he was.

Funny enough (although this process seems to be moving slower than planned :/), when I received a return call from the place my birth father had apparently come in with her - so now I am even more curious. Unfortunately it is taking longer than I thought to even get in e-mail contact. I figured since I was 21 I didn't need to have my adoptive parents sign a release but they do and have no problem with it (I am actually being a little slow with so much going on), but thought that was weird.....21 and I need my parent's consent?! My mom though that was strange. I guess they want to make sure everything is on file....

[kune]

xemtrockstarx,
Firstly - Congratulations on being found - I understand your uncertainty but once you know she wants to meet you (and bfather too perhaps) I think your curiosity at least will give this reunion momentum.

You said you didn't want to be a secret. I don't think it is possible to keep such a secret and have a relationship that is ongoing. If your bmom has not told anyone of your birth - if she just wants to meet you once and know who you were, what you looked like and see herself in your eyes , she could keep her story hidden, but once reunion begins she will want to tell the world about you. (I'm exaggerating a little )

I'm a reunited birthmother of a 38 yr old bson - I had a closed adoption and had not told my parents and family, nor my subsequent children about my pregnancy and son. My husband was the only person I shared it with.
When he (bson) contacted me I needed to share it with them - In the telling was a lot of healing. It was so refreshing to finally be able to tell them the story and to talk about the child I lost. I had never done that.. .. never acknowledged how difficult it was. Like most I was told to get on with my life and put it behind me. I know that's impossible.

My/our reunion started slowly - snail-mail, e-mail and then phone calls. After a few months we had kinda worked out whether we were going to like each other and met in person. He's beautiful inside and out - is very like my other son in personality and interests and we have a loving relationship. Not the normal mother/son thing - more kinship. I know he is mine but know he belongs to his own life family. It feels like a son-in-law but more intense. (Hope that makes sense to you). You can define the way this relationship will go.

I'd suggest you take it slow and involve your aparents. They are part of your story and you will need to talk it out with someone you trust. It's all pretty emotional for bmoms as I am sure it will be for you.

I wish you luck and hope your meeting will enrich your life and give you an understanding of who you are and where you came from.

Ann

[geogdeb]

I can't wait to hear how all this progresses. Please keep us up-to-date. I know it seems slow now, but it may seem too fast in a few days. Don't be afraid to slow things down if you aren't comfortable.

Good Luck,

Deb

[zxczxcasdasd]

I am so glad your parents had no problem signing the consent. There is seriously no other situation where a 21 yr old independent human being has to get their parents' permission to do something. It's ridiculous. But I'm glad it wasn't an obstacle for you. Congratulations.