[PJM]

Hi everyone,
I hope it's ok to post here. I know this category is for bmom's support and I am an adoptee. But I just wanted to know if there are any bmom's out there who decided to stop contact with your child after reunion because it was too difficult for you. I read posts of all of you struggling / sharing the ups and downs of reunion, grief, fear...all of the crazy emotions. But everyone here seems to have found the courage to keep going. My mom didn't and I am trying to understand why. We communicated through letters for a couple of years after I found her through the Children's Aid Society then she moved and I never heard from her again. I know she's ok..I unfortunately can see her on facebook and drive myself crazy. I'm pretty sure it is her fear of her sons finding out that has outweighed any strength to continue communicating with me, but I'm having a really difficult time getting past that and not feeling completely rejected. Her husband and sister know about me and supported a reunion.

I guess I just want to try and understand it, and if you think that her feelings would ever change. It's been 3 years since our last contact. I keep trying to shut the door, and put it to rest...get on with my life. But there's always that little crumb in my head that says "Maybe one day she'll come around".

Thanks for your time.

[RavenSong]

I am so sorry you're going through this with your birth mother. From what I've read over the years, reunion is always so much more fragile when birth mothers "keep the secret" from the children they raised. And that just plain sucks...it's not fair to you, sweetie.

All I can say is sometimes the mothers of the "Closed Era" were damaged so badly that they don't seem to be able to handle reunion very well. Secrets are never healthy, not for your bmom and not for you, especially.

I reunited with my son in 1990, and I can honestly say I've never cut him out of my life. I did pull back from him for a time when he was heavy into drug addiction in the early '90s...but I swear the only reason I did that was to stop enabling him. As long as I kept putting him into rehab and he kept signing himself out after 24 hours...we weren't getting anywhere. So I hit a point where I had to "let go and let God", in recovery terminology.

Can you write your birth mother a handwritten letter, telling her how you feel about things, how you feel about her? I can promise you that she'll think things over if you can find the courage to tell her how you feel about her and about your relationship.

This stuff is hard...it's as hard as it gets, IMHO. I wish I could give you better advice, but I just have never known any bmoms who pull away from their reunited kids in real life.

You are worthy of being treated better. Reach out to her first...before coming to any decision.

[PJM]

RavenSong,
Thanks for the reply. My adoption did occur in the closed era...1969, with all of the associated burdens of that - only her parents knew at the time, she went to a maternity home etc. She did tell me that she had gone to counselling after I contacted her because she basically fell apart. But she said she was trying to work through it.

In the time that we communicated I tried very hard not to put pressure on her i.e. nothing "too heavy" in the letters because I knew that she was having a hard time with it, although I'm not sure that I was successful at holding back what contact meant to me. So about a year after she stopped writing I sent her an e-mail trying to explain things from my perspective, and asked that if she DIDN'T want to continue, if she could at least let me know that. Never heard from her, which was difficult but at the same time I thought OK, well she hasn't said see ya later, so maybe there's hope. I didn't feel I could send her an actual letter since she had moved and had obviously decided not to give me her address, and I didn't want to appear that I was hounding her, or searching out information that she didn't want me to have.

I don't know. I want to write again, even just to let her know about forums such as this. So she might see and understand that she's not alone. But I just have visions of her deleting my e-mail without even reading it...and then I feel stupid. How can we go from exchanging pictures, seeing we are the spitting image of each other, her sending me a bracelet the first Christmas, then nothing. I'm trying to understand, but can't.

But maybe those bmoms aren't on forums such as this. Maybe, like you said, the damage done was just too much, and I just have to accept that.

[RavenSong]

You are three years older than my son. I know the era in which you were relinquished... The maternity homes, yeah, many of us were sent there -- they weren't all that different than reform schools. There is a book that I think your bmom may get a lot out of if she reads it. It's called The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Your birth mother probably feels really isolated in her experience. If she reads the book, she'll discover that many, many of us went through the same fire and trials. It may very well help her on the first step to healing.

The damage done to the girls and women of that era was tremendous, it was unspeakable...there are no words that adequately explain it. Although it's our signatures on those darn surrender papers, there was very little "choice" in the matter. Very limited choices often equal no choice in reality.

When women bury those experiences and emotions...well, it often hurts their relinquished children when they find each other. What you're dealing with is the aftermath of what society demanded back in those years.

If you want, I'm willing to talk to your birthmom. Just send me a PM with her contact info....

[kakuehl]

Hi, I am also the birth mother of a son born in the closed era, in 1972. He was never a secret from my family so when we reunited I shouted the news (well, not shouted!) While after four years, D has only met my dad and my husband and children, none of my extended family. I am hopeful that someday that will happen, but it's up to him.

I can't think of any birth moms who have closed the reunion who post on the forums although there are some who wrestle with the possibility for various reasons. There are adoptees whose bparents have refused contact who post.

You say you see her on FB; has she accepted you as a "friend?" If so, can you send her a message? (Not on her wall.)

[keds]

Hey there, I'm struggling with lack of communication from bson recently but I haven't considered denying him when he does write/call. There are so many emotions and other life factors not relating to adoption that may be affecting her. Try to write again, let her know you're thinking of her and don't expect a response but it would be great to hear from her when she's ready. There's a tremendous amount of guilt and self-doubt that has to be overcome.

All the best,

Kate

[soprano]

PJM,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am a bmom in reunion with my daughter, but it hasn't been easy. She has cut me off several times, the most recent for 14 months. She never apologized or gave me a reason. I know some of what you're feeling, but certainly not from your perspective.

All I can say is that I never gave up on her, even while not hearing from her for so long. I had to give her up once, but never again.

Try to focus on your life, and the time will pass... that's all I can say. And vent as much as you need. There are women here who will listen...



Soprano

[tlee70]

Well, I"m not sure how to subscribe to this thread, so I guess I will post.
This thread is interesting as I haven't had contact with my bmom for well over a year also. I've posted many times over the years on these forums, but somehow it's never helped my relationships...although sometimes it's helped me to see things clearer.

tlee

[kakuehl]

Tlee at the top of this thread is a button labeled "thread tools." Click on that and you will see where to subscribe to the thread.

[tlee70]

Thanks Kathy, it's been awhile since I've been on here lol

[PJM]

Thanks everyone for your input. Tlee - sorry you are going through the same sort of thing.

Raven - I truly appreciate your offer to reach out to her, although I'm not sure how she would react if she knew I was directing people to her. Thank you though.

Kakuehl - the facebook thing. I had thought about sending her a note, but figured if she's not responding to e-mails, it's unlikely that she'd respond to that. And I have a feeling that, if anything, she'd panic because both her sons are her "friends" on her FB page.

I thought after all this time that I would be over this, and be able to let it go. But then something sparks a thought, which turns into a reanalysis of me/her/us, and digs up all these feelings about what "could have been" or what went wrong. I tell you, it's enough to drive you crazy. The only way I can push it back down is to be angry with her...otherwise I feel so very sad. But I don't want to be angry all the time.

Anyway, thanks again everyone.

[Xdad]

although I am not an adoptee, I separated myself from my family when the stuff hit the fan, my mother had really allowed some bad stuff to happen to us kids. Even though I had no intentions of ever speaking to her again, she still sent me cards, and letters... for almost 7 years. It took me a long time to get over the damage. Now we are fine. But it was the letters that she kept sending that helped me know she DID still love me.

I would continue to fill her in on your life, without any questions that she needs to answer. What have you to lose?