[beemarman]

Hello all,

I've been browsing through this website for a while and I think it's time I tell my own story.

I'm a birth dad who gave up his daughter 14yrs ago. The bmom was on drugs and gave her up when she was 6 months old. I wanted to keep her but being 21 then and not having any support from my family members meant I couldn't (but maybe should have tried) keep her. I kept seeing her till she was 2yrs old but had to contact once the adoption was finalised.

She was adopted to a family with a mum and dad and two other siblings (something I couldn't offer or give her at the time)

As it was an open adoption I was allowed to write 2 letters a year to her. I did keep doing this for a few years but stopped it for a few years but started again 3 yrs ago.

To cut a long story short last month at the age of 15 she found my name on Facebook and made contact. I was so shocked to see her and see how grown and beautiful she has become. I didn't know I had hidden emotions and it all came flooding through. I kept thinking what am I going to do but, I never hesitated in replying back to her.

Her adopted mother wasn't very happy as my daughter didn't tell her she found me on Facebook or made contact and I totally understand where she is coming from.

Anyway when I spoke to her on IM she said her adopted dad didn't treat her very nice and that she never really had a father figure in her life. She told me that she sometimes borrowed her friend's clothes as her Amom didn't have much money after being out of work for 3 yrs. I felt so bad that in the last month I have spent over $2500 buying her things like expensive clothes, laptop ipod and shoes. I've also opened a bank account and every month I transfer about $150 into that account. I done this so that she can get little things for herself, I've always promised myself that if she did ever come back I will spoil her as when she was a baby I used to use every little money I had to get her the best things and didn't want that to change when she did come back.

In the beginning we used to talk a lot but it has now gone quiet. I've seen her twice now(Not bad for 1 month) but, what really worries me is whenever I see her I feel like I have to buy her something to like make up for the last 14yrs of not being there for her. I'm not sure she really wants me but feels like she has to because of the things I get her. I would really hate to know she is only in this for the money and what she can get off me. At the age of 15 I think she is too young to have made contact and also I believe her Amom is jealous of the gifts am buying her.

I really don't know what to do. Should I stop buying her things and see if she still contacts me? I love her so much and still see her as my little princess that I let go 14yrs ago.

What can I do to make myself feel better?

[srulku]

Hello Beemarman!

First let me say how great it is that you are able to communicate with your daughter, I can imagine how exciting it was to see her on facebook.

As far as your question goes I would say be cautious…. When I moved to North Dakota from Indiana I felt so guilty for taking my now 16 year old daughter away from everything she knew that I spoiled her, I let her get away with stuff I normally would not have, I gave her anything that she wanted, clothes, computer games, I pod, cell phone etc…. the more I gave her to try and make her happy the more disrespectful she became.

I understand your feelings, guilt is a powerful emotion, and a parents need to see their child happy is sometimes overwhelming, but…. there HAS to be boundaries, I had to set boundaries and stop the spoiling of my 16 year old and at first she was not at all pleased that mom was suddenly saying no to things but after a while the respect started coming back and I think she is a lot happier now with our relationship than she was then, I know I am.

I’m not saying don’t spend money on her…I can’t really “tell” you what to do, but I would suggest cutting back a bit, make sure she has what she needs but save the extravagance for birthdays and special holidays.

[sunshinemomma]

beemarman

Welcome to the site......nice to have some bDads here!!

I would SLOW way down on the spending! She is 15 and I have a 15 yr old bio son and at that age they are only just starting to get the concept of the value of a dollar.

The other thing that jumped out at my is while I can imagine that you are very happy and excited to have this contact with your daughter, you might need to look at how you are going about it. As an adoptive Mom who has just opened contact with my daughter's bDad, I would be very upset if he started going behind my back and contacting her and buying her excessive things etc.
Just as I would be upset if anyone else started doing those things with either of my children

You may want to initiate more contact with her parents and go through them a little more. She is still a minor and they deserve the respect from you to honour their role as her parents. It also doesn't put your daughter in the position of having divided loyalty if everything is up front and in the open with her parents involved.

Kids can often triangulate and at 15 maybe she doesn't get along with her Dad because he has to be the one to set rules and limits etc. It would be great for any kid at 15 to have "someone" swoop in and be the hero, spending thousands of dollars and hearing all about their terrible parents...LOL.

Congratulations on making contact. Go slow and I am sure that you will be able to work things out respectful of everyone involved.

[beemarman]

Thanks all for the advise.

With regards to her adopted father, him and her amother are now divorced and leaving in separate houses. My daughter told me that he never loved her and was always more favourable to his own siblings than her, knowing this has really hurt me as I thought when I adopted her that she was going to loving home.

Her adopted mum knows about all the pressies i buy her, I know she would rather I slow down but she tries not to get too involved too much as my daughter is very head strong (just like me) and sometimes she does what she wants.

I am going to slow down as I've noticed that she is started taking it for granted. I do love her so much but i think for her to get to love me back i would need to start saying no to her, in one hand am scared she might reject me if i stop but i think i have to take the gamble and see what happens.