[tlh1971]

I gave up a daughter in late 1991, at the age of 20. I already had a daughter that was 2, and no way could I take care of another.

Having her 18th birthday looming, and for years feeling like I would want her to find me......well, let me explain.

We had a somewhat "open" adoption, in that, I received letters and pictures from her adoptive family up until she was around 6. I knew the first and middle name they gave her, and their first names.

Fast forward to 2009 and the age of the internet.

I'm currently on ancestry.com doing a family tree for my mother- and we 'pay' for this service, which gives many many search engines. This weekend, I - just on a whim - searched her first name, middle name, date of birth, and lo and behold- found her texas birth cert with her adoptive parents names.

Last names.

Google.

Found her myspace, facebook, and windows live (?). Found a cached page of facebook notes that indicate that she is where she is because God knew her birth mother would be a bad mother.

Wow.

On the one hand, she's beautiful and seems to be a very well rounded young lady. Looks as though she is very loved and has been very well taken care of all these years which is wonderful.

On the other hand, now I wonder where she would get this impression. Age? Immaturity? Not having access to the letter I sent from the beginning explaining things to her- which they will give her- if she wants to see it- when she turns 18.

My family does not even know this child exists- it's a long story, but when my first child was born, it was drama- and it was not something I told any of them. My mother has no idea. No one does- just myself and my friends. My older daughter (almost 20) does know, and I've not told her anything about what I have found, as I guarantee she would, no matter what I said, reach out and contact her- and with her still not only being almost 18, but also a Senior in high school- is not mature enough to handle all that- plus, I don't want to freak her parents out.

I'm at a loss here. I go from wanting this more (contact/reunion) to not wanting it at all. I guess this is probably normal.

Help?

[greenbottles]

my bdaughter is close to 20 but I have been in reunion with her since her early teens. I'd send your daughter a message to her faceebook or myspace asking if she'd like contact - but first do some research on reunion and what to expect.
My bdaughter has pullback back from our reunion for two years - two years of silence...very tough to deal with. Enjoy facebook and everything else you can find out abvout her on the internet. I have learned more about my daughter's life from the internet than from f2f visits.

[JustPeachy]

Found her myspace, facebook, and windows live (?). Found a cached page of facebook notes that indicate that she is where she is because God knew her birth mother would be a bad mother.

Huh???!! This makes me wonder what her parents have been telling her about you all these years.

Anyway, in terms of reaching out to her, keep in mind she is only 18 and may not be ready for reunion. I would read up all I could about reunion issues before attempting to make contact. If you can find a triad support group in your area, that would also be helpful. It is best to move slowly and keep your expectations reasonable.

[St3v3n]

Originally Posted by tlh1971

Found a cached page of facebook notes that indicate that she is where she is because God knew her birth mother would be a bad mother.

I would suggest that you not take this so literally, especially coming from a teenager. She could just be justifying/rationalizing to herself why she was adopted and that she has a better life than she would have otherwise. It sounds to me more like she's working through her feelings about her own adoption rather than about you.

Then again, this also does give you some insight on what to be prepared for in reunion. She may not have bad feelings toward you, but she sounds like she does have some issues she's trying to work through, and some of them might get directed at you. If that happens, please try not to take it personally.

[txrnr]

I wouldn't read too much into the word bad either. It is possible that she means bad in the terms of "not ready" or "unable", and that maybe you recognized you'd be a "bad" mother and gave her to someone who could be a "good" mother.

It is a horrible choice of words, and I hate that you saw it. I teach HS, and kids can be pretty generic in their descriptions when they are just giving a generic response to something.

[tlh1971]

Thanks so much for the quick feedback.

This has all been very overwhelming for me these last few days.

Now I have other questions:

My daughter (at home) is almost 20. Do I tell her? On the one hand, she knows about this child, and some of the story- understands, and while I want to tell her, I also would have to ensure she WOULD NOT try to be-friend her. But maybe this would help HER as well. I can't wait until this child calls one day. I'm a "planner" by nature, and never like to be caught off guard.

I have no intentions of reaching out to her at all at this point- after all (as mentioned above) is ONLY about to be 18, and still in high school. I would never want to throw her for a loop and possibly freak her out. I don't even know that I'll be the one to reach out- when I gave her up for adoption, I did sign that I gave permission to be found - and I feel like it's not my place to call/contact HER. I have years of "growing up" and maturity to have dealt with all this, she has not. I'd rather her be the one to be ready to find me.

What I have read (on these forums) regarding adoptees and how THEY feel, some of it is quite scary. In that, some don't believe that we (Birthparents) could have possibly loved them at all to have just "sent them away". This is so not true! I did love her/do love her- as much as I'm able given the circumstances. If I had thought for one moment bringing her home and having the ability to care for her (both my girls) the right way, I would have.

I feel so guilty sometimes. It sways. One day, I know it was absolutely the right thing for the situation I was in at THAT time. It's easy for others (those who are friends, for example, that have never been through this) to say that it was wrong, shouldn't have done it- but the funny (not funny, but- you know) thing is about those opinions is that it's EASY for them to say that- they weren't going to be the ones having to figure it all out in the long run.

Sometimes I can't wait for her to call/find me. Other days I selfishly secretly hope she does not. Not that I would ever hurt her- it's not that. It's that, not knowing what she truly feels, or what she thinks, or what she would expect of me- whether or not I could give whatever she needed to her. Does that make sense?

I do wonder, regarding the "bad mother" part is the fact that because she has two other adopted siblings- if their (maybe? who knows) contact with THEIR birthmothers who maybe WOULD HAVE BEEN a bad mother- (drugs, whatever) and that's her only "example" of what birthmothers are like.

I just don't know sometimes.

So first, if you were me and had the older child at home, would you share this info (once you were certain older child wouldn't reach out), and how do I handle that? I know my daughter, and I think that "knowing" there was another sibling out there is one thing, seeing pictures of a little girl from almost 18 years ago is one thing- seeing TEENAGE pictures of a child that looks like me is another. It becomes "tangible" (if that makes sense). I have to look out for everyone here.

[greenbottles]

Many adoptees want to be found by their first mother. I'd sent her a message to her facebook and tell her that you have found her and are interested in contact if she feels she is ready. It could go either way and by not contacting her you could lose important years OR she may not be ready and then you have to wait like many of us for contact. BTw waiting is tough but I have met many other first mothers and adoptees in reunion and formed a good support network. Also I read first mother and adoptee and AP blogs and this forum - it has helped me to deal with my situation.
I'd take the step and contact her. She may be ready...if not she knows that you have found her...and are there when she is ready...

[tlh1971]

I guess I need to work up the courage to contact her mother (who also has a facebook) - I'm afraid of stirring up something too early, or having them be unready- I really don't want her to be hurt, and of course I know that I don't want that either- or for the children I have at home, but I'm going to do some more research first- because I have to be ready for this as well.

I know, and have read, that the "secret" of things like this is damaging- as I stated initially, no one in my family even KNOWS I had her. Not my parents, my brothers, no one. Very few friends know. I have no intention (at this time at least) of telling my mother. None. We had a very strained relationship ANYWAY, and the birth of my first child was traumatic enough- it took us a very long time to get past that and re-develop a relationship and I'm satisfied for not being the child that is the proverbial disappointment at this point in my life. I spent a long time there (years and years).

I think I need to go ahead and make an appt with a counselor to sort this all out.

[St3v3n]

I would suggest that you do tell your 20-year-old daughter about this, as long as you can assure that she won't contact her. It sounds like you don't have much of a support network, so your daughter could help in that role, and besides, this affects her too.

As far as not knowing how she will react to you or what she thinks of you, you'll never know that unless you ask her. That means getting in touch. You might want to wait until after she turns 18 (that's important for some people). Either way, I do think you should send her a message. After all, you say you're a planner. You can't plan for anything if you don't know the variables involved. Her feelings about you and about her adoption are probably the most important variables in this situation.

Congratulations on finding her, and good luck with what comes next!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by tlh1971

I think I need to go ahead and make an appt with a counselor to sort this all out.

I think working with a counselor is a good idea. It may help you determine what is the best plan for you. I didn't reconnect with my son until he was 32 and he has said that had we connected when he was 18 or even 25 the outcome would not have been as positive as it has been for us. I don't have any great advice for you, except that to remember that 17/18 year olds are in the midst of figuring out who they are and trying to be an independent adult (not always the best time to have a "second" mother in the picture.) I wish you well!

[tlh1971]

Thanks Kathy- that's kinda what I was thinking- she's young, and while I've had YEARS to grow up and come to terms with a lot of things (because THAT time in my life literallly seems like someone ELSE'S life)....and she has not.

I guess on one hand I want her to know she's never left my thoughts (the agency we went through hasn't been very helpful.....) and that I'm out there. But on the other hand, she has a family, and has a lot of growing up to do.

I know my job has a free counseling benefit where I can have up to five visits for any one issue- so I will def take advantage of that.

I don't want to do this the wrong way. Of course, I wonder if she'd ever want to have contact with me at all. I know it's not the same, but my biological father and my mother divorced when I was 1, we moved back to texas from california, and I've never ever had a need to find him or talk to him. It's a non-issue for me. I'm sure it's different with adoptees, but since she has two older siblings who were also adopted- if they had some poor experiences from meeting their first mom's, then she may figure it's not for her.

Again, thanks so much for y'alls support- I wish the internet had been around in 1991, because I dealt with all this pretty much by myself and could have used some encouragement.

[hollyhunter]

I haven't posted in a long time but I occasionally lurk. Everyone's story is different but yours is very similar to mine which inspired to give some feedback. Have been in contact with my almost 21 yr old bchild since her 18th birthday. I took a chance she would want to hear her story from the source, me. Luckily she had been told the story only in a positive light and was always told that she was loved by her first mother.. My worst fear was that she would have felt a since of rejection despite her parents and my explaination. I'm still not 100% sure she doesn't, only about 98% at this point. I won't rest until I get that 100%! Though she was very happy to hear from me and get the mystery solved, she was not and still is not ready for a relationship. During this time she's pulled back, had a change of heart and came back. I've done the same. We interact via email only and I've done the facebook thing which I didn't care for. I've never really closed the door because I'm just incapable of that. Probably she can't close it either, not completely. It just is what it is I guess. I am glad that I contacted her first because her mom told me that her self confidence and self esteem improved so much as a result. . Your daughter sounds like she has misinformation which could actually impact her feeling of self worth. It would help her to know she comes from good stock and that it was love and concern that influenced your decision, not being a bad mom. My older child is a few years older than your olderchild and a male but he has no interest in contact much to my dismay . He's involved in his own life and feels this reunion thing is my thing. I suppose your daughter will be different but expect the unexpected is the best rule of thumb. Again, contact her if for no reason except to get the record straight. Another bit of advise, keep it between you and your daughter and try not to involve other family for a time. It can get complicated if you do, take my word for it. It really is about mother and child at first.

[Xdad]

hey there, I am one of the B-fathers here...

I only told 3 people that knew me, and unloaded information on strangers. Thats is how I coped. I recently emailed my entire family and broke the news. They took it very well. They thought I was kidding at first, but are very supportive. However, I have not had other children, partly for the guilt of surrendering my daughter. There is soooooooo much for you to read here, but you will find all the answers, and support here.
Keep believing in yourself, that is most important.
my struggle gets easier everyday, thanks to the "chicky-poos" on this here site

be careful, some of them are loony tunes, LOL.

We all have been through the strangest lives, and interesting to see the common ground... is blind love!
Now, if we could convince the world to try it.

[Janeytwo]

Dear TLH1971,

Hey! I'm Janey! I relinquished a son and daughter for adoption during the silent era.

I would like to wholeheartedly echo Kathy's support of securing counseling for yourself.

From what I understand from other women like us who've been in reunion, it can be a very rocky road to traverse and the extreme "rollercoaster" of emotions it invokes only add to the confusion.

I totally understand your being upset at the comment you read on Facebook. And it's perfectly all right to feel hurt by it. I doubt anyone would particularly like to see themselves critized publicly by someone lacking facts in the matter.

One thing I would say however is that many people have misconceptions about adoption - even those in the midst of it - most especially the young. They tend to have a black-and-white version of reality.

(((TLH1971)))

Take care of yourself as your make this journey.

[JustPeachy]

I think counseling is a great idea, and if you can find some adoption triad support groups in your area, esp. those that focus on reunion, it would be a big help, as you could hear from all sides who have been/are going through reunion what it was/is like for them. I would also read books about reunion and try to prepare as best as I could.

I personally feel you should leave your 20 year old daughter out of this for now. Get your bearings first. You say you like to plan things out and my guess is you would prefer to have control of this situation. If you tell your older daughter, can you be absolutely sure she won't tell other family members if you are not ready for that, or reach out to your placed daughter w/o your knowledge? I would decide how/when you want to make contact and wait until after you've made contact and have a better idea of what is going on before involving your older daughter. That's just MHO. I think if you involve others right away in such a roller-coaster/highly emotional situation, it only complicates an already complicated issue.