[julie23]

my 9 year old really struggles with her oldest sister having been placed for adoption. Honestly, i wish i had never told her. At the time, I thought that her sister would continue to be a part of our lives, on some level. And i thought she would "grow up" with the knowledge and therefore, it would be "natural"

of course, as most of us know, there is nothing "natural" about adoption.

her 4th grade teacher has a daughter who is adopting... and she inadvertently made a comment in regards to the baby not being ok if the birthmother changed her mind... (this is a wonderful lady who absolutely does not judge the birthmother... she just got sucked into adoption language that is cultural)

this really opened up a lot of grieving and confusion in my 9 year old...

with our youngest daughter, when were concerned about losing her... we always explained that she would be ok with her birthfamily.... that her life would be different... and it would hurt us a lot to lose her.... but we always portrayed that being with birthfamily was good....

sometimes, i think we even pointed out that had I been supported in raising S, that S would have been just fine being raised with us....

We have never presented adoption as a "perfect solution"... nor have we presented the idea that a baby is "better off" in an adoptive home...

and it kills me that she is now having to struggle with the cultural misconceptions about adoption.... at such a young age.

somewhere along the way, placing my baby for adoption became not just my cross to bear... but a cross for my raised children to bear, too...

and i hate it.

[dpen6]

Julie,

I am sorry your daughter is feeling this. It is kinda the collataral damage of adoption isn't it? I am not even sure how to answer it or help her. Maybe she nneds to go through the phases of grief with support and will come to terms with it somehow,. I know that sounds trite...I am sorry.

In terms of nottelling her..wellshe would have found out at some point and then you would have been faced with her distrust of you keeping secrets. It may have been even worse.

I think she needs to knowthat every adoption situation is different and because her teacher or anyone else for that matter thinks one way does';t mean that thats the case in your family. You can't even compare your bmother experiance and your amother experiance 2 different situaion, 2 different needs at the time...I think shewill ask lots of questions and needs to reconcile it all in her head. Not going to be easy for her.

Again the fact that you have been honest is only a good thing....she would have had to deal at some point.

[dklevy]

I agree that telling her was the best thing. No matter when she first had knowledge of her sibling, she'd still go through the whole grieving process. This way it's not only spread over time intead of coming rushing in on her but she knows she can trust you to not keep something so important a sercret.

My daughter Sasha is less than a year and a half older than SE who was placed at birth. Sasha has always known about SE and it has definately not been easy. I think the hardest thing was when she thought she was going to go away too. I had to reassure her she was always going to be with me.

I talk to Sasha about it and always give her the option of sending letter or whatever to SE when I send a package. She has done it less now that we no longer get responses back but I always leave it up to her. It seems to help. But now that she has internet access, she mentions from time to time that it might be SE on webkins or other sites she's on. You might want to brace yourself for that coming up down the road.

Best advise - let her deal with it however she needs to. And keep being honest with her.

[julie23]

i suppose i compare her finding out so young, to my oldest daughter finding out at 13... and she seemed to be able to process it better... i have assumed that it was because developmentally she was more prepared to process such a big concept.

I think i told the little ones so much sooner because i had always felt guilty about not telling the older one...

i had given in to those around me who said "don't tell her now." instead of trusting my own judgement... and i always felt like i was lying to her... it never felt right.

But at 13 she had a more realistic view of the world... she had more life experiences and knowledge that helped her be able to process the knowledge of the older sister....

i just don't think my little one has those skills yet...

i am reading a book called "20 things kids wish their adoptive parents knew" or something like that... i left it upstairs.... and the author speaks of something called "false guilt"... this is in terms of adoptive parents...

but i will bring that book down here.... and post some of her thoughts... they definitely made me think.

[bromanchik]

Nine is a tough age. My daughter grieved hard at 9-10.
And mine is a fully open adoption.

[xemtrockstarx]

Maybe it is because I am an adoptee who has no clue if I have biosiblings but I could see it being strange for them too. At 9 it would be hard to see the greater picture.

I disagree there is nothing natural about adoption - I have never had any issues with my adoptive family, but I also can't compare because I've never grown up with a biofamily. I assume there is not much difference.