[jaydensbmom]

First I want to tell you a little about me and why I decided to do an adoption. I am 21 yrs old married and currently have 3 children ages 5, 2, and 10 months. When I found out i was pregnant with my fourth my youngest was only 4 months old. I was not in the best of situations and was barely able to make ends meet. My husband and I decided it was best for our children and the upcoming baby to do an adoption. We looked at it like we were able to give the gift of life to a baby and a couple who wanted desparately to have one. We met with an agency and found a great couple. The couple reminded my husband and I of ourselves. They were really nice and had a stable situtation. Immediately they started purchasing things for thier new baby. Throughout my pregnancy I always thought of the baby as their baby as to not get to attached. When it came time to have the baby, I was fine emotionally and even held and fed the baby. I had the couple in the room with me for support because my husband was unable to be with me due to our other children. Everything went fine with the signing of the legal papers and I didn't even cry. When it came time to leave the hospital, I decided to hold my baby Jayden for one last time. It was right then that it hit me that I was losing my baby forever. I felt like i was abandoning him right at the hospital. I tried to hold it all in but was unable to. I have been trying to keep it together for the sake of my other children but i has been really hard not being able to hold him and know exactly how he is doing. I did do a semi open adoption and will be receiving pictures throughout his life. However, it really sucks that I don't know his location or even the adoptive parents last name. The adoption agency wants us to do everything through them even though i know it will be better for me if I could just get a phone number or even an e-mail address. I know he lives close by to me and all I want is to see him at least in the beginning to help with the loss. I know that adoption was the best thing for my child but why do i feel like it would have been better to struggle with four children than to give up one child? My husband is dealing with in a totally different way than i am. He is completely fine with it and doesn't seem to have any emotion towards it. He knows its the right thing. Why was I okay with signing papers but suddenly doubting myself when saying goodbye? I need some sort of support from other bmothers feeling the way i do. PLEASE HELP.

[jaydensbmom]

I failed to mention that all this has happened in the past week. my son was born sept 16, 2009 and i left him sept 17, 2009. I feel like i should have brought him home even if i couldn't handle it. But i know that he will be loved more than i can imagine and he will have a great life. will get pics next week can't wait to see him again.

[SunshinesMommy]

I don't really know what to say, but I feel really connected to you. My son was born the same day as yours and my SO and I signed the papers Friday. I don't know the last name of our sons aparents either, but like you I know he lives close to me, maybe thirty minutes away. We also have a semi-open adoption. When we talked with the lady from the agency neither my SO or I felt like we could handle being able to see him and I still don't know if I can, but right now I want nothing more to just see him again. At this point I don't care if I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him and having to say again, but I want to, I feel like I need to.

My advice is let yourself cry. Don't hold it in. Remember the moments you had with him, how beautiful he is and how much you love him.

[greenbottles]

I think it would have been better to struggle with four children. Can you get him back? Any legal path you can take to overturn the adoption? Adoption is for life and will effect both you and your other children...for the rest of your lives.

[quantum]

I don't think it's too late to get him back.

I'm sorry that you're going through this...

[happygmom]

I have heard that it never gets easier. Hopefully, you will be able to get some support here from other mothers who have lived through losing a child. Most parents who I know who have surrendered their children have some level of regret.

What are the laws in your state? It may still be possible to revoke the adoption.

If you cannot or do not want to revoke, your agency should be providing you with free counseling. If so, take advantage of it.

Happy G'Ma

[kakuehl]

If you have signed the final papers, I don't think you can get him back. If the papers you signed weren't the final ones, don't sign them until you are sure it's the right choice for you. What would you husband say if you stop the adoption and bring the baby home. Would the couple be willing to open up the adoption so that you can see him and he can learn to know his siblings?

HappyGma, I think that "it never gets easier" is not necessarily a true statement for all who place or at least not a complete statement. 37 years later, I'm still convinced that I made the right choice for him. It never goes away but there can be joy as well as sorrow. Currently I am "happy grandma" to my birthson's children as well as the children of the two I raised. I agree that counseling is good in any case. Jaydensmom, I hear your concerns about being able to handle it if you bring him home as well. I hope you are seeking help (as in counseling) as you consider how or if you should try to bring him home.

[Gwen72]

I placed my son for adoption 18 years ago. It was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever been through in my life. At that time there was no such thing as open adoption or even semi open adoption. I was not allowed to see or hold him when he was born and I was expected to go on with my life and forget him. I can tell you that I did go on with my life but I never forgot him. I love him, miss him and think about him every day. I regret getting myself in a position where I had to place my baby for adoption but I don't regret placing him. It was the right decision for him. I am lucky that my grandparents have several friends that know him and his parents. I know he was given the life I wanted him to have. Today I have an adopted son who is nine months old. His birthmom initially wanted no contact with us but decided she wanted pictures when he was 8 months old. She reached out to me and I was thrilled to hear from her. I email her send her a few pictures every month. Maybe you could send a letter to your child's Aparents and ask them to call you or email you and provide your contact info. Hopefully they will be just as happy to hear from you as I was to hear from W's birthmom. I wish you the best of luck in this situation and hope it works out well for you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jaydensbmom

First I want to tell you a little about me and why I decided to do an adoption. I am 21 yrs old married and currently have 3 children ages 5, 2, and 10 months. When I found out i was pregnant with my fourth my youngest was only 4 months old. I was not in the best of situations and was barely able to make ends meet. My husband and I decided it was best for our children and the upcoming baby to do an adoption. We looked at it like we were able to give the gift of life to a baby and a couple who wanted desparately to have one. We met with an agency and found a great couple. The couple reminded my husband and I of ourselves. They were really nice and had a stable situtation. Immediately they started purchasing things for thier new baby. Throughout my pregnancy I always thought of the baby as their baby as to not get to attached. When it came time to have the baby, I was fine emotionally and even held and fed the baby. I had the couple in the room with me for support because my husband was unable to be with me due to our other children. Everything went fine with the signing of the legal papers and I didn't even cry. When it came time to leave the hospital, I decided to hold my baby Jayden for one last time. It was right then that it hit me that I was losing my baby forever. I felt like i was abandoning him right at the hospital. I tried to hold it all in but was unable to. I have been trying to keep it together for the sake of my other children but i has been really hard not being able to hold him and know exactly how he is doing. I did do a semi open adoption and will be receiving pictures throughout his life. However, it really sucks that I don't know his location or even the adoptive parents last name. The adoption agency wants us to do everything through them even though i know it will be better for me if I could just get a phone number or even an e-mail address. I know he lives close by to me and all I want is to see him at least in the beginning to help with the loss. I know that adoption was the best thing for my child but why do i feel like it would have been better to struggle with four children than to give up one child? My husband is dealing with in a totally different way than i am. He is completely fine with it and doesn't seem to have any emotion towards it. He knows its the right thing. Why was I okay with signing papers but suddenly doubting myself when saying goodbye? I need some sort of support from other bmothers feeling the way i do. PLEASE HELP.

You didn't say how long it has been.
So I am going to say tell the agency and adoptive parents that you are willing to have an open adoption. WHen the adoptive parents are ready. If this is all recent then you need to give them time and when they are comfortable let them be the ones to start.

They may not be willing to have a fully open adoption, the ball is in their court and all you can do is ask.
But if you don't ask you will never know if they might say yes.

Hope it all works out for you

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

HappyGma, I think that "it never gets easier" is not necessarily a true statement for all who place or at least not a complete statement. 37 years later, I'm still convinced that I made the right choice for him. It never goes away but there can be joy as well as sorrow. Currently I am "happy grandma" to my birthson's children as well as the children of the two I raised. I agree that counseling is good in any case.

Thank you for pointing this out! It is not a complete statement. There is solace in knowing that the decision was the right thing to do. I have two friends and a cousin who know that truth (BSE moms) after a lot of hard work. For them the realization came after many years of dealing with their grief alone and then finally going to counseling. A person who can say adoption was for the best after one week and without counseling has a lot more going for her than I do.

To the OP - please seek counseling regardless of the legal situation.

With best wishes,

Happy G'Ma

[xemtrockstarx]

I know I am not a birthparent, but I am an adoptee and I can only imagine how hard it must be to make the decision to place (not "give up" as you referred to) your child with another family.

I know if I chose adoption for one of my children it would be hard but at the same time if you could not financially or emotionally handle another child, all of your children may have suffered, not just one for the sake of your feelings. One day if you want to seek him out or vice versa you may have the chance to be in his life.

Also I wanted to address greenbottles - I completely disagree with trying to "overturn" the adoption. Obviously she had thought this through and it was not some whim that she had thought about for five minutes. The child is already placed with the adoptive parents. I think it would be incredibly selfish to take the child back after the child has already been placed with a family but I am sure a lot of birth parents, at some point, have this feeling. I am sure it is probably a normal feeling to rethink one's decision a couple times (and sometimes you may become even more firm in your decision or less). Also you are making it sound like adoption is this horrid institution where adopted kids are overly concerned with the fact they're adopted and live horrid lives because of it - trust me, some adopted kids do have issues, and some do not. I am one of those that do not. I appreciate the decision my birth mother made and love the fact I have the parents I do. It doesn't mean I hold bad feelings towards my birth mother or feel she abandoned me, I just know she was responsible enough to know she could not take care of a baby the way she wanted it to be taken care of.

With that being said I do think you made a great decision. I am also 21 and have no children and could not even imagine having one. Although we are obviously very different people and I do not think you would have made a poor mother, I do think sometimes younger people can get more easily emotionally exhausted and stressed than older folks. I think you made a responsible decision and with time you will come to realize that.

[geogdeb]

Originally Posted by xemtrockstarx

I know I am not a birthparent, but I am an adoptee and I can only imagine how hard it must be to make the decision to place (not "give up" as you referred to) your child with another family.

I know if I chose adoption for one of my children it would be hard but at the same time if you could not financially or emotionally handle another child, all of your children may have suffered, not just one for the sake of your feelings. One day if you want to seek him out or vice versa you may have the chance to be in his life.

Also I wanted to address greenbottles - I completely disagree with trying to "overturn" the adoption. Obviously she had thought this through and it was not some whim that she had thought about for five minutes. The child is already placed with the adoptive parents. I think it would be incredibly selfish to take the child back after the child has already been placed with a family but I am sure a lot of birth parents, at some point, have this feeling. I am sure it is probably a normal feeling to rethink one's decision a couple times (and sometimes you may become even more firm in your decision or less). Also you are making it sound like adoption is this horrid institution where adopted kids are overly concerned with the fact they're adopted and live horrid lives because of it - trust me, some adopted kids do have issues, and some do not. I am one of those that do not. I appreciate the decision my birth mother made and love the fact I have the parents I do. It doesn't mean I hold bad feelings towards my birth mother or feel she abandoned me, I just know she was responsible enough to know she could not take care of a baby the way she wanted it to be taken care of.

With that being said I do think you made a great decision. I am also 21 and have no children and could not even imagine having one. Although we are obviously very different people and I do not think you would have made a poor mother, I do think sometimes younger people can get more easily emotionally exhausted and stressed than older folks. I think you made a responsible decision and with time you will come to realize that.

I would have to disagree about the selfishness of the "taking a baby back". I know you had a wonderful family and this colors your thoughts, but the mothers that relinquish newborns for adoption generally do so because they are in some way or another manipulated. Sometimes it is because of finances - others because society "decides" who can be a mother and who can't - and poverty and marital status shouldn't be an issue. But studies after studies have shown that the BEST place for a child is with his natural parents - unless their is some sort of abuse taking place. And a mother can make a decision because she feels helpless and is very emotional (because of the hormones) that she would never make otherwise. Oftentimes adoption agencies take advantage of these mothers and counsel them to relinquish no matter what. If I had had an opportunity to reclaim my baby, I would've done it in a heartbeat. Even though my son's aparents are wonderful people and I love them. I am also a wonderful person and I am a good mother (and would've been a good mother to him also). The thing is, he was MY baby, not theirs. He is naturally a part of my family - not theirs. But society, my parents, and especially the adoption agency made me feel otherwise and I never thought I had a chance of claiming him.

Please understand xemtrockstarx, I am not attacking you and I understand why you feel the way you do. You love your adoptive parents - they are YOUR PARENTS. I really do understand this. But the baby we are talking about now, bonded with jaydensbmom for 9 months. He is, and always will be in some way, hers.

This doesn't mean I think she should run right out and "get her baby back". But in most states she does have a right to change her mind within a certain time period just in case there was duress or in case when she saw him, she realized just how much she loved him. In most cases it is the pregnancy that is unwanted, not the baby. And the thought of raising a child is very scary, even if you have done it before. But when you see that child and hold him in your arms, many times those fears and concerns suddenly seem unimportant. I believe in most cases, bmoms should be required to spend a couple of weeks with their babies so they understand just what it is they are giving up - and so they understand whether or not they can emotionally and physically care for the child. This would most likely ease the minds of bmoms - they would know they tried and they would understand just what they were giving up.

Once again, I hope you understand I am not criticizing you or your views. I do understand where you are coming from and I am sure the thought of losing the opportunity of being raised by your adoptive parents is scary. Adoption can be a wonderful process - great for all sides. But there is also a lot of money and emotion involved and the increases the amount of manipulation and coercion a mother might face.

Deb

[greenbottles]

rockstar, I think you have read way too much into my very short post! I believe that birthparents should be able to overturn adoptions within the first year - especially within the first couple of months. The OP recently relinquished her child - I say go get baby back if it's possible. And what APs would want to hold onto a child under those sort of circumstances?
Often we think we can handle things or we think we know the best thing to do and then find out that we were wrong - after the fact - and wish we had accepted the hand we were dealt with. I am not anti-adoption. I never wrote that on my post. But I totally stand by what I wrote. BTW my almost 20-year-old bdaughter wants nothing to do with her bsibs - that is her choice and I respect that BUT it has really hurt one of my kept children who would love to have contact with her so I do know what I am talking about.

[cbmstephanie]

Originally Posted by geogdeb

I know you had a wonderful family and this colors your thoughts, but the mothers that relinquish newborns for adoption generally do so because they are in some way or another manipulated. Deb

Really? I guess I would like to know where you got that data...I can understand if you felt like you were manipulated, but to state that mothers that relinquish newborns do it because of manipulation is at the very least unsubstantiated.

I can somewhat (as I have never been on that end of the adoption triangle) understand the whirlwind of emotions that a mother goes through when giving birth, making an adoption plan, following through with an adoption plan, living with the consequences of an adoption plan are put into action in real life, but to make someone else the bad guy is unrealistic and irresponsibile on your part.

If the OP feels as though she should now choose her child over her husband, which she was unable to do at birth, then she should definately overturn the adoption, but if she feels as though she has made the right decision for her family then she shouldn't. I don't think that putting unsubstaniated hearsay in her path is the right way to guide her to a decision.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by cbmstephanie

Really? I guess I would like to know where you got that data...I can understand if you felt like you were manipulated, but to state that mothers that relinquish newborns do it because of manipulation is at the very least unsubstantiated.

I can somewhat (as I have never been on that end of the adoption triangle) understand the whirlwind of emotions that a mother goes through when giving birth, making an adoption plan, following through with an adoption plan, living with the consequences of an adoption plan are put into action in real life, but to make someone else the bad guy is unrealistic and irresponsibile on your part.

If the OP feels as though she should now choose her child over her husband, which she was unable to do at birth, then she should definately overturn the adoption, but if she feels as though she has made the right decision for her family then she shouldn't. I don't think that putting unsubstaniated hearsay in her path is the right way to guide her to a decision.

CDM,

Manipulation comes in many many forms and still happens today. Simply put - pre-birth matching can be considered by some as manipulation, just read the OP's words to recognise how easy it is to be swayed by others. "Immediately they started purchasing things for thier new baby. Throughout my pregnancy I always thought of the baby as their baby as to not get to attached... I had the couple in the room with me for support because my husband was unable to be with me due to our other children."

And the OP never said she had to chose between the child and the husband, you have your posts mixed up.

I would suggest that the OP check whether she still has time to change her mind and then file whatever papers she needs to and take all the time she needs to make the right decision for her and her child and family.

Regards,
Dickons