[dklevy]

Over the last few days my come and go obsession to find all I can about my daughter and her family has peaked again. In searching their names in Google, I decided for reference to type in my name. And guess what? On the first page of results is a direct link to a blog I wrote to her parents on MySpace! I just had to share cause it means if any of them look for me they can see the letter! The title starts out with their initials.

It's the little things that keep me going sometimes. Like finding an Amazon.com submission her mom wrote in 2000. Or the property records that show they haven't sold their house and moved...

[kakuehl]

Good news!!

[Xdad]

I found the first picture of my daughter searching photobucket
It is weird what turns up.

[dklevy]

Oh if I could only find a picture!! That must have made your day!!!

[Xdad]

actually... That made my life. I can die now. I stared at the picture for a couple of hours... was amazed at how much she looked like me (she's 16 now, but 14? in the picture). A very strange feeling. Then I found her on Facebook, and the rest is history, and history in the making. I search everywhere, schools, church, sports, twitter... anywhere I think of.
..and it turns up results... That is all I have til she turns 18, and then it is a crap shoot.

I wish you luck!

[dklevy]

I can't find anything on any of her family on those site. But I keep trying!! At least you'll have all you need to reach out when she is 18. I'm not sure I can wait the 7 more years that I should....Give me strength to know what's right and do it....

[Xdad]

strength...That is what we all are looking for.
What gets me through the wait, is knowing that my involvement right now, might cause irreversible damage. My daughter isn't mature enough right now to get involved with me. It would become a battle of the men. I am a complete stranger to my daughter... and I appear to be "cooler" than her dad. (this may have to do with me being a musician, and her dad a pharmaceutical corporate dude, and we won't go into how evil that job is).
sooo. I can just wait. I have sent letters to her mother in care of my daughter, and can only believe that she is receiving them (I have only sent 2 for my daughter, and another to all of them).
When she turns 18, really means nothing. It is still her choice, and have to respect that. Who knows how "damaged" she is from the "abandonment", or the teasing, or lack of respect others have about her situation IE: her grandparents, relatives, friends of the family.
They all come from a different world than mine, and they may be afraid of what they don't understand... aren't we all?

Some say that it is "god's will" , and I can respect that sort of thinking, whether or not I believe in god, the philosophy is the same... you may not consciously know what to do, but you will be doing exactly what you are supposed to... Joe Strummer said that the "future is unwritten", and as hopeful as that sounds, I believe that the future is written, and it's just a matter of how you get there.

Meditate, or pray...a matter of interpretation, but it works.
Positive energy, and when you run out, come back for more

[Janeytwo]

Hey there XDad!!

Just sending a kudos to you!!

When you're daughter's finally ready for contact, just think about how much hard work you've done that will aide in reunion.

And I think that, personally, though she is being raised in a different world, so to speak? Well, that's all right. Think of the knowledge and wisdom you bring to the table regarding music and philosophy and some of the harder issues in living.

Hang in there Bud! You're doing all right!!

[dklevy]

Xdad - you seem so much more at peace with holding off contact than I am. Good for you! I want to find that peace. I want so badly to reach out to her parents.....

I too feel like her parents and I are from two different worlds. They are computer executives. He owns and runs a computer engineering company. I don't know if she went back to work but was so much more the PTA/playgroup mom than I ever could be. And they are a generation older than I. I think that makes it all the harder for me to try to guess how they'd react if I called or emailed them.

[Janeytwo]

((( DK ))))

Just sending hugs your way. (((( DK ))))

:-)

[Xdad]

Well... I wouldn't hold back at contacting them. Just make no attempt to contact your child. If it is in the cards, the parents will pass on information, or at least have it for when your child is old enough. Or they throw out the info, and you wait till 18. My peace has taken a long ride. The peace comes and goes. What works best for me is to know that I am the best person I can be, so when she is ready, so am I. My daughter is well aware that I am ready... now just waiting for her and time. 7 years? think back 7 years, was it that long ago?
Hang it there, this site offers friendship, and the best advice ever...people who live it, not those who hear about it.

****thanks Janey!****

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Xdad

strength...That is what we all are looking for.
What gets me through the wait, is knowing that my involvement right now, might cause irreversible damage. My daughter isn't mature enough right now to get involved with me. It would become a battle of the men. I am a complete stranger to my daughter... and I appear to be "cooler" than her dad. (this may have to do with me being a musician, and her dad a pharmaceutical corporate dude, and we won't go into how evil that job is).
sooo. I can just wait. I have sent letters to her mother in care of my daughter, and can only believe that she is receiving them (I have only sent 2 for my daughter, and another to all of them).
When she turns 18, really means nothing. It is still her choice, and have to respect that. Who knows how "damaged" she is from the "abandonment", or the teasing, or lack of respect others have about her situation IE: her grandparents, relatives, friends of the family.
They all come from a different world than mine, and they may be afraid of what they don't understand... aren't we all?

Some say that it is "god's will" , and I can respect that sort of thinking, whether or not I believe in god, the philosophy is the same... you may not consciously know what to do, but you will be doing exactly what you are supposed to... Joe Strummer said that the "future is unwritten", and as hopeful as that sounds, I believe that the future is written, and it's just a matter of how you get there.

Meditate, or pray...a matter of interpretation, but it works.
Positive energy, and when you run out, come back for more

Xdad,

I don't know what to say ...your post is so loving and compassiante to your daughter. Very wise and sensitive.

You have managed to blow a lot of negative stereotypes regarding bfathers out the window. I hope you have continued wisdom and strength until the time is right for your to meet your daughter. I hope your daughter has the maturity and wisdom to see what kind of father you really are.

[Xdad]

aw, Thanks!

[dklevy]

I 2nd what dpen6 wrote wholeheartedly!

To me 7 years ago seems like an eternity. So much has changed. My daughter didn't even know she had a dad yet and since then a whole whirlwind of changes. And I don't want to wish away the next 7 years. I just want to know SE is okay. I know. I know. Thats' what we all want. But I have made a resolve just this morning - To keep quietly search online and no matter what I find not to contact her parents yet. I am in the process of buying a house. I told myself I'll wait until we close and if I haven't heard anything I'd send her christmas gift and a letter letting them know my new address. Maybe certified or something so her mom has to sign for it just to give myself more peace of mind. I want them to know how to find me...