[srulku]

Hello everyone,

My name is Sheila, I am a 44 year old mother of 3 girls, my oldest age 25 lives in AZ with her SO, my youngest is 16 and with me, my middle girl is either 20 or 21 and I'm not sure where she may be.

When I gave Madison Sylvia (that's what the aparents named her) up for adoption it was a closed adoption, I never believed I would try to find her again and I thought that knowing anything about her would make it even more painful. I was soooo wrong to do that, I made myself forget almost everything...I have tried and tried and for the life of me I can't even remember her birthday....what kind of person gives birth to a child and can't even remember when?

I have kept the secret of her existence for the past 20+ years, for the longest time I wouldn't even allow myself to think about her but I can't do it anymore, it's exhausting to keep this secret so I sat down with my wonderful husband of 2 years and told him what I could remember and his only reaction was "find her"...it was the first time I allowed myself to cry over her and I can't seem to stop.

I set off trying to think of how to go about getting any information about her birth or the pregnancy...my mother couldn't remember anymore than I, we are guessing the year 1988 because we both think my oldest was around 3. I started off calling the hospital where I had her....to see if I could get copies of any medical records from my stay there in the year 1988 or 1989 to which they informed me that they do not keep records over 10 years old...those records from that time would have been destroyed...I was surprised to say the least.

So I was stuck, I couldn't find out at least the year of birth or the doctors name so I contacted social services, that is who I went through for the adoption, they informed me that I could sign paperwork to authorize release of information to the adoptee if she were to inquire but that I could receive no information about the adoption whatsoever....nothing...period...I asked if I could at least confirm the date of birth to which the social worker said "well you certainly should have that information already." *sighs* yes...I know, but I don't, I don't remember...pathetic I know.

So, I filled out the forms and mailed them in and now I wait for the slim chance that perhaps she may inquire about where she came from, and I have come here and will go to other forums hoping that maybe she may look for me.

[kelley12484]

What state did you have her in? If you dont remember the dates, do you remember what she might of looked like or what hospital it was? Any and all information is huge! Hope you find what your looking for.

Kelley

[srulku]

She was born in Indiana, Michigan City at St Anthony's hospital, but when I contacted the hospital to try and get any type of information they said they destroy records after 10 years and there is no way for me to retrieve them.

I didn't see her after she was born...I was told it would be better if I didn't so I didn't

[NanieB44]

Hi Sheila!

To fill you in...I am a birthmother from the era of closed adoption in the 60's. I have been successfully reunited with my firstborn daughter for 20 blessed years now. I never thought that miracle would ever happen, but miracles do happen, so don't give up hope.

I know it would be very difficult to find her without an exact birthdate (self-defensive denial is an incredible survival instinct), but there must be ways. I know this must sound really hokey...but what about going to "The Locator's" website to see what if anything could be done. (Do you ever watch that show?) Registering everyplace you possibly can is also good, should she try to search for you. Did you contact the adoption agency (if one was involved) directly?

I wish you success and blessings in your search. Also, don't be ashamed to cry. The tears have been bottled up far too long. You are blessed to have a husband whose first reaction was for you to search. The pain you are wading through now will help to make you more whole. Secrets are toxic.

Hope I haven't been intrusive here.

NanieB

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by srulku

Hello everyone,

My name is Sheila, I am a 44 year old mother of 3 girls, my oldest age 25 lives in AZ with her SO, my youngest is 16 and with me, my middle girl is either 20 or 21 and I'm not sure where she may be.

When I gave Madison Sylvia (that's what the aparents named her) up for adoption it was a closed adoption, I never believed I would try to find her again and I thought that knowing anything about her would make it even more painful. I was soooo wrong to do that, I made myself forget almost everything...I have tried and tried and for the life of me I can't even remember her birthday....what kind of person gives birth to a child and can't even remember when?

I have kept the secret of her existence for the past 20+ years, for the longest time I wouldn't even allow myself to think about her but I can't do it anymore, it's exhausting to keep this secret so I sat down with my wonderful husband of 2 years and told him what I could remember and his only reaction was "find her"...it was the first time I allowed myself to cry over her and I can't seem to stop.

I set off trying to think of how to go about getting any information about her birth or the pregnancy...my mother couldn't remember anymore than I, we are guessing the year 1988 because we both think my oldest was around 3. I started off calling the hospital where I had her....to see if I could get copies of any medical records from my stay there in the year 1988 or 1989 to which they informed me that they do not keep records over 10 years old...those records from that time would have been destroyed...I was surprised to say the least.

So I was stuck, I couldn't find out at least the year of birth or the doctors name so I contacted social services, that is who I went through for the adoption, they informed me that I could sign paperwork to authorize release of information to the adoptee if she were to inquire but that I could receive no information about the adoption whatsoever....nothing...period...I asked if I could at least confirm the date of birth to which the social worker said "well you certainly should have that information already." *sighs* yes...I know, but I don't, I don't remember...pathetic I know.

So, I filled out the forms and mailed them in and now I wait for the slim chance that perhaps she may inquire about where she came from, and I have come here and will go to other forums hoping that maybe she may look for me.

If you can afford it hire someone who can legally open the records to search for you.

It makes it easier, I did both and with the help of both volunteer help and a Confidencial intermediary I found my son.

It is not so unusual for a birthmother to forget the day don't beat yourself up about it. But if you are going to search, start talking about it now. Tell your children so it isn't a surprise. If you recieve a phone call tomorrow and on top of no one else knowing the emotions could drown you.

So talk, just start and write it all down, keep a journal and things will come back to you that you didn't know you even knew.
As for year, how old were you?
How old was your frist child when you were pregnant with with your second?
where you working and where?
where you in school?
write it down and start talking.

Good luck

[srulku]

Originally Posted by NanieB44

Hi Sheila!

I know this must sound really hokey...but what about going to "The Locator's" website to see what if anything could be done. (Do you ever watch that show?)


Hope I haven't been intrusive here.

NanieB

Actually, I have seen that show advertised and thought "what if" but always told myself that my story wasn't as unique as some of theirs, I watched one episode, terminally ill girl looking for her dad and aunt....but hey, what is the worse they could say...no?

And you have not been intrusive...I am so confused and emotional right now I feel like I'm just running around in circles (and into brick walls) so ANY advise is more than welcome!

Thank you!

[srulku]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

If you can afford it hire someone who can legally open the records to search for you.

It makes it easier, I did both and with the help of both volunteer help and a Confidencial intermediary I found my son.

I thought about going that route...I know we can't afford an expensive search but I think we could afford a few hundred if need be.

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

So talk, just start and write it all down, keep a journal and things will come back to you that you didn't know you even knew.
As for year, how old were you?
How old was your frist child when you were pregnant with with your second?
where you working and where?
where you in school?
write it down and start talking.

Good luck

I've started trying to write down everything that I can remember....I hope that things come back to me eventually

[Mom_Rose]

Sorry for your pain. But the first thing you must do, is not give up. You must have hope and believe that you will find her, most likely, she will look for you.

I was in a very similar situation, I remembered the date, the place, but I could not remember the name of the agency where the adoption took place, I could not even remember the town it was in, it was a very bad time for me too. All the papers I had regarding the adoption, were put in a safe that belonged to the birth father, he would not give them back to me. He has since died. I have no idea where those papers are or if they even exist anymore.

I could not leave info at the agency, in case she looked for me there, which turns out, she did. But because this generation is so into the internet, there is a good chance she will look for you here. I searched for her on the internet for about 13 years. Then one night, like 3 am, I was here and looked, like I usually do, not expecting to find her, but her info was here, at this site. I cried. I did not know what to do, I stayed up all night. My husband, who already knew for years, woke, he came in the living room and asked why I was still up. I told him. He was thrilled, but told me, once you contact her, you cannot go back, are you ready emotionally for this? I thought about it for a few hours and sent her a message here through her search ad. Within 5 minutes, she sent me an email back. We both were cautious, but I knew it was her, I don't know how, but I just did. Later that day, she emailed me some pictures, I was positive then, she was my Mini-Me. It took us 5 days for proof positive, but she is mine.

It has only been about 6 weeks or so, but an incredible weeks, lots of highs and lows, but I am so happy that I found her. I would not change that for anything.

Please do not give up, have faith that you will find her. I am sure she will look for you. Put your info up on all the top sites, do a google search, post to the top ones, that is where she will be looking.

I started to write a series of articles on searching on eHow, it may help you, here is a link:

How to Search for an Adult Child you gave up for Adoption - A 3 Part Series, Part 1 Making the Decision to do the search | eHow.com

My reunion is going pretty good I think. She actuall used the "L" word with me the other day. I also got a big surprise, I am a Grandma to a beautiful 1 year old little girl, I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I hit a trifecta, a daughter, her spouse and a baby. I feel blessed. I do have fears and worries, but it is so worth it.

Good luck in your search, if I can help in anyway, please send me a note. Check out my articles, it might help you.

Again, keep hopeful. Rose

[srulku]

Thank you so much for the information....I have not been searching for long, I guess I'm just impatient

I will read your series, it looks very interesting. I just wish that I remembered more than I do...I'm starting to doubt the accuracy of the information that I do have...I keep thinking she was born in 1988...but then I think that I started working at the prison in late 1989 and wondered if it was that soon after...but then I think my oldest was about 4 so it should be 1988....yes, I'm obsessing over the date a little

I'm sure I'll figured it out eventually, I can't expect everything to just fall into my lap or to do a search and just have her pop up right away, that's not very realistic.

[Mil]

Going through the courts and using a CI is a great way to go. A lot of people say it's too expensive and won't pay that much, but it's not really that expensive. My son paid less than $500 to find me using a CI. It cut through a lot of red tape and the frustration of searching the internet every night. It's money well spent.

[srulku]

I thought about going the CI route, I checked with Omni Trace and they quoted $1300 as a starting figure...I just can't swing that right now...3-500 is a little more attainable for me.

I think I saw in another thread a way to contact the CI's in Indiana so that may be something to discuss with my husband.

[Mil]

Omni Trace is a private investigation place - not at all what I'm talking about. I'm talking about filing the paperwork with the courts and then a CI that works for the court system gets your file and does the finding and first contact to find out if your child is open to contact. It has to be a mutual consent for the files to be opened. I think probably that other thread you're talking about is more about how to do it. Good luck.

BTW, we're neighbors. I live in Crown Point, Indiana.

[srulku]

been there many times I was in Michigan City Indiana but now I'm in Fargo ND....still haven't gotten use to the cold here :P

[srulku]

Now I really don't know what to do...

I believe I may have found my bdaughter and her aparents....I was just going from site to site searching for my b daughters first name and her a father's first name in michigan city and the surrounding areas of indiana and I found a listing with address that also gave the amothers name which clicked....laura was the amothers name.

Could it be a coincidence that these parents have the same first names and have a daughter the right age with the name Madison S?

I found both the mothers and daughters pages on myspace, found the mother on facebook and it could be the same one but I'm not 100% sure.

I just don't know what to do now, my stomach is doing flips and my hands are shaking....these may not even be the right people but the first names are all the same.

I have a phone number and mailing address and I'm scared to death to do anything with them!

[srulku]

The daughter has photo albums on Myspace that I looked through and came across 1 picture of her looking directly into the camera, she looks just like I did when I was her age.

I'm going to send the parents a letter, I found an address for them. I don't want to contact her because 1. I may be wrong, and 2. She may not even know about me. It may take me a few days though, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to say right now.