[jdox0776]

I have been struggling so hard with my emotions lately, I was fine before all this happened. I now feel like everything that amom and I had built over the years was a lie! I always looked at her like a mom and now I feel like she just wanted my baby. From the get go before my daughter was even born all she talked about was how she was going to make sure my daughter knew about me, that was the main reason why I was so comfortable with her.

It was important that I knew who was going to raise her and I spent most of the time with amom before my daughter was born. I felt connected to her and now I feel lost, confused without that connection, it was what kept me glued together and now I feel like I am falling apart. I had thought about contacting my daughter once she turned 18 if they never told her but at what expense would it be, I realize now that I can't do that, I don't want to be the reason her world as she knows it get turned upside down. It hurts so much to say it but I love her too much for that. I am just really angry with amom because my family IS turned upside down now, no one understand except you. I tried talking to my hubby about and he doesn't understand he just says to let it go, but I am having a hard time, I never get my hopes up about anything and this time I did.

Everything would have been fine if she had not got our hopes up then take it all away, so cruel as I didn't expect anything at least not until she was 18. I was a bit nervous about all of it when we talked about it, worried my daughter would be angry with me and think I didn't want her, amom said that she did not think she would react that way because she was the sweetest kindest child and she still had the letter I wrote her and the locket put up until the time came. She still carries around the baby blanket I gave to her, her unknown connection to me.

I know I gave her up but not without my stipulations clear, we had a plan from the beginning, though it wasn't put on paper I didn't feel I needed it, not that that even matters. Is it too much to ask to want to know who will be raising your child, to know how they are over the years, to want them to know about you, know where they came from, know that you love them more than anything and you did it all out of love, a completely unselfish unconditional thing.

Why did she get my hopes up, and my daughters hopes up, then take it all away. I am already an emotional wreck being 35 weeks pregnant. I feel so taken advantage of because of her comment that the adoption was never meant to remain open. Why is she doing this when she went to great lengths to keep my family directly involved- she brought my daughter to see my grandmother before she died, her last dying wish. My aunt worked at the same school where my daughter attended and went to see her everyday. Both my girls got to play together when they were younger , unknowingly sisters, all arranged thru amom and my aunt without my knowledge until now.

So if it was never meant to remain open why involve my family to such great lengths. I am grateful for that, for everything because it helped my family to deal with my choice. She even let me talk to her, everything was her idea and I didn't push for anything, I just wanted to know how she was doing. A few weeks ago when I first called her she said that the psychiatrists advised against telling her and I accepted that, then the first email said about telling her, then the second call when she said the new doctor said it was time. I never asked for it. she started this and just when I got used to the idea and wanted it to go forward, it gets taken away.

[kakuehl]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Recognize that you are mourning a loss right now and be gentle with yourself. Anger is part of the grief process. I wasn't promised much when I placed, but I was promised that he would know that he was adopted. In my case that promise was kept although it was a "closed" adoption so I didn't know it for over 30 years.

I don't know why she is doing what she is, except that she may be hit by panic especially if your daughter doesn't know she's adopted. She may be afraid the girl will reject her, and truthfully, it is a trust issue. (If my parents didn't tell me this, how do I believe anything they tell me?)

I do encourage you to use "I" messages. If you're writing to the amom, start your sentences with "I feel [angry] [hurt] [devastated] [frustrated] because___."
Try not to write in an accusing way: "You promised" "You hurt me, etc." Own your feelings.

Hang in there!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I have been struggling so hard with my emotions lately, I was fine before all this happened. I now feel like everything that amom and I had built over the years was a lie! I always looked at her like a mom and now I feel like she just wanted my baby. From the get go before my daughter was even born all she talked about was how she was going to make sure my daughter knew about me, that was the main reason why I was so comfortable with her.

It was important that I knew who was going to raise her and I spent most of the time with amom before my daughter was born. I felt connected to her and now I feel lost, confused without that connection, it was what kept me glued together and now I feel like I am falling apart. I had thought about contacting my daughter once she turned 18 if they never told her but at what expense would it be, I realize now that I can't do that, I don't want to be the reason her world as she knows it get turned upside down. It hurts so much to say it but I love her too much for that. I am just really angry with amom because my family IS turned upside down now, no one understand except you. I tried talking to my hubby about and he doesn't understand he just says to let it go, but I am having a hard time, I never get my hopes up about anything and this time I did.

Everything would have been fine if she had not got our hopes up then take it all away, so cruel as I didn't expect anything at least not until she was 18. I was a bit nervous about all of it when we talked about it, worried my daughter would be angry with me and think I didn't want her, amom said that she did not think she would react that way because she was the sweetest kindest child and she still had the letter I wrote her and the locket put up until the time came. She still carries around the baby blanket I gave to her, her unknown connection to me.

I know I gave her up but not without my stipulations clear, we had a plan from the beginning, though it wasn't put on paper I didn't feel I needed it, not that that even matters. Is it too much to ask to want to know who will be raising your child, to know how they are over the years, to want them to know about you, know where they came from, know that you love them more than anything and you did it all out of love, a completely unselfish unconditional thing.

Why did she get my hopes up, and my daughters hopes up, then take it all away. I am already an emotional wreck being 35 weeks pregnant. I feel so taken advantage of because of her comment that the adoption was never meant to remain open. Why is she doing this when she went to great lengths to keep my family directly involved- she brought my daughter to see my grandmother before she died, her last dying wish. My aunt worked at the same school where my daughter attended and went to see her everyday. Both my girls got to play together when they were younger , unknowingly sisters, all arranged thru amom and my aunt without my knowledge until now.

So if it was never meant to remain open why involve my family to such great lengths. I am grateful for that, for everything because it helped my family to deal with my choice. She even let me talk to her, everything was her idea and I didn't push for anything, I just wanted to know how she was doing. A few weeks ago when I first called her she said that the psychiatrists advised against telling her and I accepted that, then the first email said about telling her, then the second call when she said the new doctor said it was time. I never asked for it. she started this and just when I got used to the idea and wanted it to go forward, it gets taken away.

Open adoption can be a wonderful thing. It is legal in under 10 states, but there is NO way to enforce it.
Does anyone tell you that ? No. What could some do to an adoptive parent if they close an adoption? Nothing.

If the birth mother had money to pay an attorney then you could POSSIBLY forced the adoptive parents to open it back up.

It the child is now a legal adult, I would have a third party person contact her. You have the right to do so in an open adoption. If the adoptee is living at home it may be harder. I would say if the open adoption worked for long enough for the child to know about you then the adoptee knows there are adopted. Or you can wait until she is 21 which might be emotionally safer.

A letter saying you are willing to wait until the adoptee is 21 but giving the adoptee all pertinent information might be another way to go about it. Address phone numbers.
Not to emotional and do not point fingers at the aparents. Open adoption gives you this legal right. They gave their word of honor, unless of course they have no honor and have been living a lie all these years.

On the other side, they wanted a baby, they may have always wanted a baby. Not a mother and child just the child.
They may have found it too hard but they may have had good intentions.
But good intentions are only as good as the people making them.

Try first with the adoptive mother you don't want to make an enemy of your child before you start and send a letter to the adoptee too.


Good luck