[SunshinesMommy]

Together my SO and I have made the choice to place our child. Even at this point it has been tough on us, but we have each other and luckily my pregnancy and our decision to place hasn't had a negative effect on our relationship.

From lurking around the forums for a couple weeks and reading blogs written by birthmoms, I've noticed that a lot of women who placed were single/became single during their pregnancies, but I know that this isn't always the case, since every situation is different and you just can't make generalizations like that. For those of you that were/are in a relationship (be it with the birthfather or someone else) during your preganacy/placement I have a couple questions, if you wouldn't mind answering them.

- How did your decision to place effect your relationship?

- Post-placement what effects did placing your child have on your relationship?

- Has it been/was it easier to cope with placing your child knowing that someone you cared for was going through the exact same thing with you and that you weren't alone? Did the shared expierence help or hinder how you dealt with placement emotionally?

I'd love to hear expierences from any birthparents who are in a similar place that I am or how being in a relationship would have effected birthparents who were single at the time of placement.

Also, I'm sorry in advance if I've over stepped any lines or made any faux pas. I'm new to the whole online adoption community and I'm trying my best to feel my way around and not offend anyone.

[geogdeb]

I stayed in a relationship with my baby's father until a couple of months after I placed. After I placed I never saw him the same way. He never felt the pain I felt. Losing my child through adoption changed everything. I am pretty sure he still cared about me, but I never felt the same way. It was too hard to even look at him after my loss.

It probably won't be the same with you two - and adoption is different and usually open today.

I hope things work out for both of you.

Deb

[susie_book]

The birthfather and I married six months after the adoption--we'd been together six and a half years at that point, so we weren't rushing into anything, and it hasn't hurt our relationship. That said, he didn't go through the same things that I did; we had a similar experience, but I had a deep, hormonal grief that he did not. YMMV.

[SunshinesMommy]

Originally Posted by geogdeb

I stayed in a relationship with my baby's father until a couple of months after I placed. After I placed I never saw him the same way. He never felt the pain I felt. Losing my child through adoption changed everything. I am pretty sure he still cared about me, but I never felt the same way. It was too hard to even look at him after my loss.

It probably won't be the same with you two - and adoption is different and usually open today.

I hope things work out for both of you.

Deb

Sometimes I worry it will be a bit of the opposite for us. A few years ago his ex miscarried and it just ruined him, he's wanted to be father for so long, so having that happen just killed him. I worry that this time it will be so much worse for him, he'll get to meet and hold his baby only to have him taken away. Somedays I just feel so gulity about it and I've told him that. He says he'll be fine, that he'll deal with everything, that he doesn't blame me, but I can't help but think that. He's not one that's big on talking about his emotions, so I worry about him and what's going on in his head.

[lahdh4]

- How did your decision to place effect your relationship?
Looking back, I tried not to dwell on it too much but when Biker wasn't around I was in tears. I wanted to talk, he didn't.

- Post-placement what effects did placing your child have on your relationship?
I became closed. I stopped trusting people, friends, everything around me.

- Has it been/was it easier to cope with placing your child knowing that someone you cared for was going through the exact same thing with you and that you weren't alone? Did the shared expierence help or hinder how you dealt with placement emotionally?
In many ways I think it hindered. He really didn't want to talk about it and so I talked to other people. He broke up with me about 6 months after placement and it was hard to discuss anything with him. I still talk to him in bits and pieces. He knows the problems I am having with her parents and he has now become more of a sounding board.


He can also get counseling. Has he looked into this? It was offered to my ex at the time but he said no. They (the agency) still tell me 5+ years later that if he wishes to see and talk to someone they will arrange it.

[SunshinesMommy]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

- How did your decision to place effect your relationship?
Looking back, I tried not to dwell on it too much but when Biker wasn't around I was in tears. I wanted to talk, he didn't.

- Post-placement what effects did placing your child have on your relationship?
I became closed. I stopped trusting people, friends, everything around me.

- Has it been/was it easier to cope with placing your child knowing that someone you cared for was going through the exact same thing with you and that you weren't alone? Did the shared expierence help or hinder how you dealt with placement emotionally?
In many ways I think it hindered. He really didn't want to talk about it and so I talked to other people. He broke up with me about 6 months after placement and it was hard to discuss anything with him. I still talk to him in bits and pieces. He knows the problems I am having with her parents and he has now become more of a sounding board.


He can also get counseling. Has he looked into this? It was offered to my ex at the time but he said no. They (the agency) still tell me 5+ years later that if he wishes to see and talk to someone they will arrange it.

He's never been a big fan of counseling and is pretty emotionally reserved. It took me forever to get him to sit down and open up about how he felt emotionally (we had talked about it before, but he had always been very rational and logical about the situation). Outside of that time he hasn't talked to anyone about it and I think for the most part him opening up about how he felt helped me more than him.

[belleinblue1978]

I was with my son's father for two years after his birth. Placing Kiddo damaged our relationship beyond repair. I could never forgive him for that. There were other things as well of course, but that was a really defining thing for us. We just quit talking about it mostly. He would come to visits with me but sleep the whole time... He couldn't believe I didn't just "get over it."

It can be really hard on a relationship.

[NanieB44]

Please forgive me if anything I say here is offensive. As a birthmother who had to surrender my child because I had no support, I cannot understand why two people who love one another would worry more about their relationship after relinquishing their child, than they would worry about the grief of losing their child.

I don't know how old you both are or your life circumstances, but I beg you...don't make any final decisions until your baby is born. Until your child is born and you hold him/her in your arms...you cannot possibly grasp what emotions are involved. Placing a child for adoption can seem like an easy solution, but trust me..it will bring lifelong grief.

PLEASE...if you place your child for adoption, do it because you TOTALLY feel it is what is best for your baby. PLEASE don't do it to save this relationship.

Take it from one who knows.
Blessings & Prayers,
NanieB