[jdox0776]

Yesterday, I sent amom an email because I felt like she was avoiding the question. I thought long and hard before I did this because I wanted her to know how I felt. First let me start with the email she first sent to me about telling her. BTW Sam is my 13 yr old daughter, my 15 yr old adopted daughter's full sister.

First email from amom that opened up a can of worms followed by a call from her about the plan to tell her over labor day weekend :

They were great.. it amazes me how much Sam and her look alike. We are talking about how to approach her with the whole situation. We think she would love to know she is a big sister, and maybe start spending some time with Sam.


Here is my email to her when I didn't hear anything, she emailed back but said nothing about the situation so I sent this to her:

Please keep in touch and let me know when you do tell her, no matter how she takes it. Sam is upset because she thought she would know about her over the weekend and it is killing her having to wait until the next school break. She knows that a reunion may not take place for awhile, but since that can of worms was opened she wants to know if you did tell her. I am assuming this past weekend was not the best time since you both were sick. But when you think about it, if you wait around for the right time, the right time for something like this will never be easy no matter how much you are prepared. Sam should not have been told anything until after.

Here is the email I just got from amom:

I'm really sorry Sam is having such a hard time with this. We have decided that now is not a good time at all. She was finally settled in for the new school year, and then this past week, completely changed her schedule to better meet her special ed needs. We cannot or rather she, cannot afford any major upsets, as it will most definitely reflect her entire being, including school. If you let Sam know, that they would not be able to be close, like sisters, she might settle down a bit. We believe Em is too young to have to make a decision as to rather or not acknowledge her biological family. We just love her too much to hand her such a blow at such a delicate time and age. I hope Sam understands, this was not an adoption that was to remain open and we just cant do this right now
I hope you are feeling better, let me know when you have the baby..


What upsets me is that she is the one who brought up it being time to tell her based on her psychiatrists advice, she told my daughter this too and got both our hopes up that she would know about us but not have a direct relationship, give her time to deal with it and go with what her wishes were about reuniting. I wish she had never even told us this because this will most definately throw my daughter into a tailspin. I don't know what to believe, first it didn't happen because they were sick and now it is because of something else.


And what does this mean, an excerpt taken from amom last email:

"this was not an adoption that was to remain open"

What does that mean, that they no longer want an open adoption????

[browneyes0707]

J:

Yes, I think that's exactly what they were trying to tell you. They never expected the adoption to remain open, which is pretty evident to me as they never told your DD that she was adopted. I am SO SORRY for that, and so angry for the way you have been treated. What about your daughter? How cruel of them to mention that they would consider introducing them and spending time with eachother and then take it away? It sends such an awful message to your child about what kind of people they are. They never should have mentioned anything to Sam, or made any sort of comments that they were not prepared to back up with action. As Sam's mom, I'd be very upset with how they treated her.

I can't imagine how much it would disrupt your daughter's life....because they never told her! It's going to come as quite a shock and will disrupt her life no matter when because they waited FIFTEEN YEARS to tell her! The blow will be devistating no matter how old she is. How unfair to your placed daughter as well, to be kept from her birthfamily because they didn't get around to tell her.

My 17 year old niece has OCD. I'll tell you what, it has no bearing on her mother being honest with her. And my birthdaughter was 14 when she was given a choice about knowing her birthfamily. Yes, she was young, but she was old enough to know what she wantedm and what she was ready for. But without the parental support that your daughter's parents don't seem to want to give her regarding reunion, I do believe that she is too young to handle all of it on her own. Still, not an excuse! It's a shame they can't stand by her and be honest with their daughter they say they love so much.

Right now, I'd focus on helping Sam through this uintil you boths can get your heads around it. And you are pregnant too? Take care of yourself and your baby. I'm so sorry you have to go through this (((HUGS!!!))))

[jdox0776]

We had talked about it being an open adoption before she was even born, I was able to call her and get pictures. I never saw her after she was born. She even let me talk to her a few times but all she knew was that I was her mom's friend and my name. Years would pass before I would call again because I didn't want to impose on them. Why did they suddenly change their mind? Did I push too hard when I didn't hear anything. She did tell me to call her when I have my baby but I will not say anything about this situation unless she brings it up. I am scared she will cut off all contact. There is so much I want to say to her but fear the consequence of doing so, I would rather drop it and still have contact than to risk losing contact. I sent her an email to clarify, asking if it was still ok for me to keep in touch. Does she not know what my feelings are regarding this? And what if they never tell her, what then? Would I be able to contact her on my own when she turns 18

[browneyes0707]

IMO, I don't think it has anything to do with you or anything you did. If I had to guess, they chickened out. They are harboring a pretty big secret, and they also have a lot to potentially lose by telling your DD the truth.

What you have right now isn't a true open adoption, it's a form of a semi open adoption. So what I think she was trying to tell you was that she was never anticipating the adoption to ever be a true open adoption (visits, contact etc.) It's hard to say, I'm really speculating. But the fact that she would want you to keep in touch regarding when you have the baby does lead me to believe she isn't cutting off all contact.

I have a very similar scenario in my adoption as well, I have contact only with my teenaged daughter's mom, we had a lapse in contact which led my daughter to be brought up in a closed adoption, and I am also pregnant. The big difference though is my daughter has always known she is adopted, and has been given the choice to have contact with me and she said she isn't ready (tho I will admit, the choice was given to her after she found out that her mom and I were in contact, and not because her mom was proactive and sat her down and said "Hey, I heard from Brown, would you like to get to know her?" That upset me, so I do know how you feel)

I guess I have a hard time with the fact that your daughter doesn't even know she's adopted at all. It's so unfair to her not to know the truth as to who she really is. I really do hope they tell her before she's 18, but if they don't, you can reach out to her, but it might be at a really big price if she has to hear the truth from you. You'd have to decide if it's really worth the risk, but you have a few years left to decide.

I would try to keep the relationship open between her mom and you, there isn't any harm that can come of that. I know what it's like to bite your tongue to keep the relationship peace, sometimes you have to pick your battles. It's not an easy position to be in, I know. I hope they come to their senses and tell her. Just be patient and give it time for your daughter's sake. Hang in there and come back here, this is a great place for support while you figure this out

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

Yesterday, I sent amom an email because I felt like she was avoiding the question. I thought long and hard before I did this because I wanted her to know how I felt. First let me start with the email she first sent to me about telling her. BTW Sam is my 13 yr old daughter, my 15 yr old adopted daughter's full sister.

First email from amom that opened up a can of worms followed by a call from her about the plan to tell her over labor day weekend :

They were great.. it amazes me how much Sam and her look alike. We are talking about how to approach her with the whole situation. We think she would love to know she is a big sister, and maybe start spending some time with Sam.


Here is my email to her when I didn't hear anything, she emailed back but said nothing about the situation so I sent this to her:

Please keep in touch and let me know when you do tell her, no matter how she takes it. Sam is upset because she thought she would know about her over the weekend and it is killing her having to wait until the next school break. She knows that a reunion may not take place for awhile, but since that can of worms was opened she wants to know if you did tell her. I am assuming this past weekend was not the best time since you both were sick. But when you think about it, if you wait around for the right time, the right time for something like this will never be easy no matter how much you are prepared. Sam should not have been told anything until after.

Here is the email I just got from amom:

I'm really sorry Sam is having such a hard time with this. We have decided that now is not a good time at all. She was finally settled in for the new school year, and then this past week, completely changed her schedule to better meet her special ed needs. We cannot or rather she, cannot afford any major upsets, as it will most definitely reflect her entire being, including school. If you let Sam know, that they would not be able to be close, like sisters, she might settle down a bit. We believe Em is too young to have to make a decision as to rather or not acknowledge her biological family. We just love her too much to hand her such a blow at such a delicate time and age. I hope Sam understands, this was not an adoption that was to remain open and we just cant do this right now
I hope you are feeling better, let me know when you have the baby..


What upsets me is that she is the one who brought up it being time to tell her based on her psychiatrists advice, she told my daughter this too and got both our hopes up that she would know about us but not have a direct relationship, give her time to deal with it and go with what her wishes were about reuniting. I wish she had never even told us this because this will most definately throw my daughter into a tailspin. I don't know what to believe, first it didn't happen because they were sick and now it is because of something else.


And what does this mean, an excerpt taken from amom last email:

"this was not an adoption that was to remain open"

What does that mean, that they no longer want an open adoption????

The longer she waits the harder it will be, the more trouble the "could" have. To live a life and find out that life is a lie for some could end a close relationship. There are all kinds of things that could go wrong.

Find the titles of books written by adoptees both those who have always known and those who found out late.

Send them to the amom.. as a helpful thing to make it easier for her, then back away and leave them alone.

[relderkinyates]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

Yesterday, I sent amom an email because I felt like she was avoiding the question. I thought long and hard before I did this because I wanted her to know how I felt. First let me start with the email she first sent to me about telling her. BTW Sam is my 13 yr old daughter, my 15 yr old adopted daughter's full sister.

First email from amom that opened up a can of worms followed by a call from her about the plan to tell her over labor day weekend :

They were great.. it amazes me how much Sam and her look alike. We are talking about how to approach her with the whole situation. We think she would love to know she is a big sister, and maybe start spending some time with Sam.


Here is my email to her when I didn't hear anything, she emailed back but said nothing about the situation so I sent this to her:

Please keep in touch and let me know when you do tell her, no matter how she takes it. Sam is upset because she thought she would know about her over the weekend and it is killing her having to wait until the next school break. She knows that a reunion may not take place for awhile, but since that can of worms was opened she wants to know if you did tell her. I am assuming this past weekend was not the best time since you both were sick. But when you think about it, if you wait around for the right time, the right time for something like this will never be easy no matter how much you are prepared. Sam should not have been told anything until after.

Here is the email I just got from amom:

I'm really sorry Sam is having such a hard time with this. We have decided that now is not a good time at all. She was finally settled in for the new school year, and then this past week, completely changed her schedule to better meet her special ed needs. We cannot or rather she, cannot afford any major upsets, as it will most definitely reflect her entire being, including school. If you let Sam know, that they would not be able to be close, like sisters, she might settle down a bit. We believe Em is too young to have to make a decision as to rather or not acknowledge her biological family. We just love her too much to hand her such a blow at such a delicate time and age. I hope Sam understands, this was not an adoption that was to remain open and we just cant do this right now
I hope you are feeling better, let me know when you have the baby..


What upsets me is that she is the one who brought up it being time to tell her based on her psychiatrists advice, she told my daughter this too and got both our hopes up that she would know about us but not have a direct relationship, give her time to deal with it and go with what her wishes were about reuniting. I wish she had never even told us this because this will most definately throw my daughter into a tailspin. I don't know what to believe, first it didn't happen because they were sick and now it is because of something else.


And what does this mean, an excerpt taken from amom last email:

"this was not an adoption that was to remain open"

What does that mean, that they no longer want an open adoption????

It sounds to me like she is scared. Scared that the child will want to be a major part of your and sams lives and they may loose her. Just a thought

[JustPeachy]

She keeps making excuse after excuse as to why your daughter cannot be told that she is adopted. This is a HUGE mistake. Your daughter should have been told from day one.

If I had further communications with amom, I would let her know that I realize reunion right now would be overwhelming, and I'd back off of that (even though I know it hurts you and your other daughter), but I would stress the importance of telling Em she is adopted sooner rather than later. I think your daughter's mom is scared to death that telling her will blow up in her face...and it will...because she was not told right away. However, it will only get even more problematic for the amom if she puts it off any longer. Your daughter has the right to know the truth of her life, and I would be highly upset if my son's parents withheld this fundamental truth from him. I think it's beyond cruel, even if their intentions were not cruel. I also think it's patronizing for them to feel their 15 year old daughter cannot handle this information based on her OCD and other issues. It is a difficult phase of life to find out such information, absolutely, but good lord, they act like your daughter will simply go berserk and fly off the deep end if she is told. If they are truly concerned about her well being and how she will handle this given her other challenges, they can work with a QUALIFIED therapist who can help her process her emotions and keep her on an even keel through this revelation.

You can contact her once she's 18, but it would be far better if, by then, she knew her history and had a few years to process it. If it comes out from you finding her, that will not be the best way, but if it was my child, and the only way he was going to find out, I'd let the chips fall where they may...but that's just me. If she doesn't know by 18, you could revisit this issue with her mom and give her the opportunity to tell her within a reasonable timeframe, upon which you will make contact.

[PJBluz2]

I am now 54 but when I was 19 I gave away my precious baby girl because I was told that was the only way she would have a good life. I have spent every day since then wondering if she indeed has had one. I feel no need to see her or even talk with her but I would have loved to talk with her adoptive mom so I could know for sure that she has grown up and is ok. Unfortuantely for me Mississippi is a closed record state and still doesn't realize how much damage this does on both sides. I have three sons of my own that I reared and I have always told them about their big sister and hoped one day that a miricle would happen for us all. My time is growing short and so I will never realize this dream and will go to heaven without knowing. Please pray for me and pray that my precious daughter will someday meet her brothers so they can tell her that I loved her her whole life but my parents and the times would not understand.

[jdox0776]

I was fine with everything before this happened. It was like she gave me a taste, something unexpected, something to look forward to and take it away, so unfair...

PJbluz2, I hope you find your daughter one day. Have you signed up for an adoption registry should she ever look for you?

[portlowski]

All I can say is I am sorry. You and both of your daughters have been treated terribly. This isn't really a "semi-open" adoption, it is more like a lie that you have been forced to look at through a half-opened window. To stretch my metaphor a bit...some day your daughter will discover that window and she will want to open it. As they say, sunshine is the best disinfectant. The longer that window remains closed the more difficult it will be to air it out. That is their choice and I believe they will live to regret it. Stay strong and you are in my thoughts.

[lglysson]

I am responding to the op, without reading any other posts. I am sorry for all involved, but mostly for Sam. She was told one thing, by the amom, and now she has to suffer. I my opinion the amom is only protecting herself. Her adaughter is going to be pretty upset when this all comes out, and it will. Secrets like this should not be kept. My daughters amom kept secrets from her and when they came out she was pretty upset by it. Of course the amom blames me for telling, but I didn't know that my bdaughter didn't know. Anyway, I hope that she realizes secrets like this just can't be kept, and will hurt everyone in the end.
Best wishes.

[loveajax]

I was thinking the other day that there is only one "absolute" I believe every a parent should do.

1. Tell your kid that he or she was adopted (and as early as possible).

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am sorry for Sam too.

We have sort of the "opposite" situation where DD's birth mom won't tell her other daughters about DD and her adoption (and we visit them once/year). Last night I was talking to DD's birth mom and DD's birth sister got on the phone and said, "Auntie, can you come to my bday party?" It breaks my heart that she doesn't know she has another sister! And that my DD is a secret altogether. Sigh! I don't get secrets...adoption is complicated enough!

Hang in there....

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

Yesterday, I sent amom an email because I felt like she was avoiding the question. I thought long and hard before I did this because I wanted her to know how I felt. First let me start with the email she first sent to me about telling her. BTW Sam is my 13 yr old daughter, my 15 yr old adopted daughter's full sister.

First email from amom that opened up a can of worms followed by a call from her about the plan to tell her over labor day weekend :

They were great.. it amazes me how much Sam and her look alike. We are talking about how to approach her with the whole situation. We think she would love to know she is a big sister, and maybe start spending some time with Sam.


Here is my email to her when I didn't hear anything, she emailed back but said nothing about the situation so I sent this to her:

Please keep in touch and let me know when you do tell her, no matter how she takes it. Sam is upset because she thought she would know about her over the weekend and it is killing her having to wait until the next school break. She knows that a reunion may not take place for awhile, but since that can of worms was opened she wants to know if you did tell her. I am assuming this past weekend was not the best time since you both were sick. But when you think about it, if you wait around for the right time, the right time for something like this will never be easy no matter how much you are prepared. Sam should not have been told anything until after.

Here is the email I just got from amom:

I'm really sorry Sam is having such a hard time with this. We have decided that now is not a good time at all. She was finally settled in for the new school year, and then this past week, completely changed her schedule to better meet her special ed needs. We cannot or rather she, cannot afford any major upsets, as it will most definitely reflect her entire being, including school. If you let Sam know, that they would not be able to be close, like sisters, she might settle down a bit. We believe Em is too young to have to make a decision as to rather or not acknowledge her biological family. We just love her too much to hand her such a blow at such a delicate time and age. I hope Sam understands, this was not an adoption that was to remain open and we just cant do this right now
I hope you are feeling better, let me know when you have the baby..


What upsets me is that she is the one who brought up it being time to tell her based on her psychiatrists advice, she told my daughter this too and got both our hopes up that she would know about us but not have a direct relationship, give her time to deal with it and go with what her wishes were about reuniting. I wish she had never even told us this because this will most definately throw my daughter into a tailspin. I don't know what to believe, first it didn't happen because they were sick and now it is because of something else.


And what does this mean, an excerpt taken from amom last email:

"this was not an adoption that was to remain open"

What does that mean, that they no longer want an open adoption????

Sounds like they never wanted an open adoption to begining with OR found they didn't like it once it became real.

But there is no psychologist, threapist, PHD or other wise in this day and age that thinks not telling an adoptee is a good thing. As far as I know even agencys are suppose to tell the waiting familys that secrets and lies will bite them in the butt some day.

If it was a legal open adoption you can either wait until she is 18 or 21 or get a lawyer.

I would do the lawyer last you don't want that to mess things up.

Did the amom say the girl doesn't know she is adopted, or just isn't telling her you want a reunion?