[jdox0776]

I know some will call you by your first name, understandable since they don't know you as "mom" but does that kill you? I have always talked about my daughter, even though she is adopted , she has always been my daughter in my hear and soul, everyday.

Your child doesn't know you the way you know him/her, it seems like it would hurt if they don't call you mommy because they don't know you as mommy. That really scares me in the coming years with my daughter and I reunite, it would be weird for her to call me by my first name but I understand she wasn't raised by me but rather her amom.

Is it like an elephant in the room when they don't know what to call you or feel uncomfortable about the whole name thing. As hard as it will be I will tell her that she does not have to call me mom unless she decides she is comfortable with it, but she already has "mom"

[susie_book]

Mama Firstname. Of course, I'm in a different situation; my son started out in an open adoption, so there won't be a sudden adjustment of his life to include another kind of mom. From what I've read, I wouldn't expect your daughter to call you mom at least for awhile--you've known that she is your daughter for her entire life, but she hasn't known that you're her birthmom, and she may need to grieve that loss--she might be sad, she might be angry at you, she might be scared that her life isn't quite what she'd thought. I hope that you hear from her family soon, and that your reunion is a happy one.

[jdox0776]

Originally Posted by susie_book

Mama Firstname. Of course, I'm in a different situation; my son started out in an open adoption, so there won't be a sudden adjustment of his life to include another kind of mom. From what I've read, I wouldn't expect your daughter to call you mom at least for awhile--you've known that she is your daughter for her entire life, but she hasn't known that you're her birthmom, and she may need to grieve that loss--she might be sad, she might be angry at you, she might be scared that her life isn't quite what she'd thought. I hope that you hear from her family soon, and that your reunion is a happy one.

I would not expect her to call me mom because she has not known me. Her amom has been her mom for the past 15 years and nothing is going to change that. I really wish she had been told a long time ago, I am sure she will be angry that no one told her much sooner, that time gap makes a difference with what the outcome is as younger children are usually more resilient than teenagers. Amom has been telling me for about 3 years that the OCD is what kept her from telling her yet because she would obsess over it. Obsess over wanting to know me? Maybe wanting to see me? But what about before the OCD?

[JustPeachy]

I wonder if amom is using your daughter's OCD as an excuse not to tell her. I'm not sure I would believe her that this is on the advice of the psychiatrists. I believe no matter what your daughter's issues, she should know she is adopted and should have known all her life.

As far as what my son calls me, we are in semi-open and I was always called by my first name. I don't expect him to call me "mom" though if he wanted to, that would be fine. I have never stopped feeling like I am his mom, and that doesn't negate that his mom is also mom. And to me, he has always been my son. If I talk to anyone about him, I refer to him as "my son." If we reunite, we will have to iron out how he wants me to refer to him in his presence. For instance, if we are together and ran into someone and I wanted to introduce him, I don't know if he would be comfortable with me saying "this is my son, X." I imagine he would introduce me as "Peachy, my birth mom" or "Peachy, my other mother" rather than "Peachy, my mom." I'll work with whatever makes him comfortable, even though I don't particulary care for the "birth mom" label.

[jdox0776]

I am wondering this too as an excuse. I can see if one psychiatrist told her that but three or four, why did she change doctors so many times, maybe they advised something she didn't like. I honestly think she would rather not tell her just because of the avoidance I am getting now, and she is the one who started it by getting my hopes up that she would know. Does she feel insecure now and think I will try to take her away, something I would never do.

[RavenSong]

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it that several psychiatrists advised your daughter's aparents not to tell her that she was adopted due to her OCD.

I relinquished way back in 1972, and even back then, the "professionals" were advising adoptive parents to tell their children from the time they could talk that they had been adopted. My son's parents started telling him from the moment he was placed in their home at 30 days old. His mom told me when we reunited in 1990 how she used to talk to him about me when he was in his highchair, way before he could even understand what she was saying.

If the psychologists and social workers were advising parents to do this back in 1972, I really doubt that present-day professionals have gone back to the dark ages of the 1940's and 1950's.

I doubt that your daughter showed signs of OCD as a toddler or very young child. And I would bet you anything that the OCD is being used as an excuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this tribulation...these people sound like major game players to me.

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I am wondering this too as an excuse. I can see if one psychiatrist told her that but three or four, why did she change doctors so many times, maybe they advised something she didn't like. I honestly think she would rather not tell her just because of the avoidance I am getting now, and she is the one who started it by getting my hopes up that she would know. Does she feel insecure now and think I will try to take her away, something I would never do.

First off, I have to agree with what Raven posted. And while I can believe that is may be possible that some psych professionals would recommend not telling her, I wouldn't think it would be the norm and I would certainly consider them BAD ones! I can't believe 3 or 4 did. Something about this whole story just seems fishy to me. I also think it is very possible that your daughter's symptoms could be entirely related to this not knowing issue. She may suspect on some level something is not right. Many adoptees do. And maybe she is asking questions and not getting answers, so she is acting out her anxiety with the OCD symptoms. I'm not a doctor or anything, but there is just something not right about this whole issue.

I think it could very well be your daughter's a mom KNOWS this is wrong, she has been struggling very much to tell her, she opened up the can of worms, and now she is feeling nervous about it and can't follow through. For your daughter's sake, I hope she snaps out of it soon. I think as disappointing and hard as it is for you to not meet her right now, the first order of business and most important thing is for your daughter to be told she is adopted and to have time to process that information. It must be terribly hard for you to be on the outside of all this and not able to take charge of the situation.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I know some will call you by your first name, understandable since they don't know you as "mom" but does that kill you? I have always talked about my daughter, even though she is adopted , she has always been my daughter in my hear and soul, everyday.

Your child doesn't know you the way you know him/her, it seems like it would hurt if they don't call you mommy because they don't know you as mommy. That really scares me in the coming years with my daughter and I reunite, it would be weird for her to call me by my first name but I understand she wasn't raised by me but rather her amom.

Is it like an elephant in the room when they don't know what to call you or feel uncomfortable about the whole name thing. As hard as it will be I will tell her that she does not have to call me mom unless she decides she is comfortable with it, but she already has "mom"

Better your child call you, talk to you, love you then not speak to you at all.

What difference does the name mean when you hold your child in your arms.

My son loves me, calls me, let his son stay with me for 2 weeks. I am grandma, it matters not that my son calls me Teri. When he talks to others about me he calls me mom, just not to my face.

Calling me mom would be a treat, nice, but not something I need to be who I am. It isn't something I can ask for, if given it is the adoptees choice.

Add to the fact that I loved him first, not better, just first, that he is like me in many ways and I didn't find him until he was 33.. no one can change that.

What your child calls you isn't important, what is important is that they call.

[jdox0776]

I wonder if amom had just hoped I would not stay in contact and had not planned on telling her at all she was adopted. Right after I gave birth and the adoption was fianl they moved because I knew their address. Like I was going to be a creepy or stalker or something.

With the name calling thing, I would be happy with whatever she wanted to call me within her comfort zone. I have known some birthmoms who had a really hard time dealing with their child not saying mom, sometimes they do in time or never at all. An unfortunate consequence of not being in the childs life. Of course I would love for her to call me mom but that may be asking too much considering the circumstances.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I wonder if amom had just hoped I would not stay in contact and had not planned on telling her at all she was adopted. Right after I gave birth and the adoption was fianl they moved because I knew their address. Like I was going to be a creepy or stalker or something.

With the name calling thing, I would be happy with whatever she wanted to call me within her comfort zone. I have known some birthmoms who had a really hard time dealing with their child not saying mom, sometimes they do in time or never at all. An unfortunate consequence of not being in the childs life. Of course I would love for her to call me mom but that may be asking too much considering the circumstances.

I was in some group triad meetings for a couple of years.. I came away with this thought.

The word mom or mother is a gift only the adoptee can give. We cannot ask or demand that only makes it harder for both sides.

I was hoping he would call me mom, but I don't worry about it any more. I am just happy he calls, visits, asks for advice and loves me.

[YENSENM]

As an adult adoptee in reunion I call my first mom Pam. She seems to be ok with that. She has not told her daughter or husband about me and I respect that. We have been in email contact for 2 1/2 years and she is toying with the idea of telling her daughter. I use to get excited at the prospect but not so much anymore. I really think she would be perfectly content to just have email contact and tell no one else about me. I don't think she cares one way or the other what I call her and probably prefers that I use her first name. M a-mom will always be mom to me. She is the only mother I know.
Now, I do have to get this off my chest. I really do with a-parents would tell their children from the start that they are adopted. I grew up knowing and it was always something we could talk about openly in my house. My a-parents were very supportive of me in my search and even tried to help me.
I think when you wait and tell the child later in life it is asking for trouble. I don't want to upset anyone but that is speaking from my own experiences. I can't inagine how I would feel to find out later in life that the people who raised me were not my actual biological parents. This is just my humble opinion. Don't mean to ruffle any feathers.

[my2sons]

My son and I just reunited after 16 yrs of not seeing one another. I left the choice up to him and when i wrote him i signed the letter with my name. He calls me Mom, his choice not mine. He tells me he loves me and has never forgotten me. I think whatever he chose to call me dosent take away from the fact that we both know who i am and nothing can ever change that

[TeRi212]

Just a quick message to reply to your very first question.

The other day I got an email from my sons AMom saying that he calls me "Tesa" (he's only 19 months) because he can't say "Teresa" yet. I did an open adoption with my son, but haven't asked what they would get him to call me. So now I suppose he will just be calling me Tesa :P. This actually hurts as I was hoping to be called BirthMom or something that included the word Mom. But at least now I know he is saying my name.

[lowohms]

i think i understand where your all coming from, but honestly??? my stepfather really raised me....and for that he is pops, dad, his real first name, whatever....my real dad is my father. and thats how it is. My step-dad has never once asked to be anything other than my friend and confidant. He is in my eyes my "dad". And im not adopted at all. In my scenario, with my journey, i will be happy with contact. he can call me whatever he wants, even by first name. names are things given to people, but the "mom" and "dad" are earned.

[Xdad]

I always envisioned my children, when i was VERY young, addressing me by my first name, and she does. LOVE IT!