[jdox0776]

I got the call today that the amom and adad will be telling her she is adopted over the weekend and if she wants to meet us then we will come on Labor Day. Scared, nervous, happy, not sure what to feel. Don't know how she will react, it is her decision what happens next, it may take time for her to get used to it before she meets us. Will she want to see us, will she be angry she wasn't told sooner. She is 15. The amom will still be her mommy always regardless, I will be her birth parent until she says otherwise.

[JustPeachy]

I'm glad they are finally telling her. Personally, I think it would be better to give her time to process this information, which may come as a total shock to her, before I would expect her to rush headlong into a reunion. I just think it would be hitting her with too much, too soon, and could totally put her into a tailspin. I think it is good to consider her wishes in all this, and follow her lead, but I still feel it is a lot for a young person of 15 to cope with all at once and she may not even realize how overwhelming it will be for her. Maybe other adoptees can chime in with their opinion on this.

jdox, my advice for you and your daughter is take it slow. You will both have a lot of feelings come up, and it can be intense. Keep in mind, she is a teenager, and her feelings will likely be all over the place and she may have ups and downs given her age and the nature of reunions, on top of just finding out she is adopted. My guess is, it's not going to be easy for her, but she may handle it well. You just have to wait and see. I think the most important thing for her right now is being told about her adoption.

[epenn922]

15 does seem very late to be telling her. Combine the shock of that and just being a hormonal teenager - I would expect her to be way overwhelmed and may not be ready to talk yet. All the adults have had years to process this, it will most likely take her a lot of time.

She may really go thru a very angry and resentful stage before she's able to deal with this. I knew about my adoption as long as I can remember and I wasn't ready to really deal with it until I was in my 20s and even then - with a therapist - it was still a lot to deal with. My asis is almost 50 and still hasn't dealt with it.

Take it slow. You're going to need to be the rock because she's very well may feel like everything is out of control and her world has been turned upside down.

[soprano]

...I agree (imho) that 15 is late to be telling her she is adopted, and that most likely your daughter will need time to adjust.

But, you are her mother, whether she tells you otherwise or not. You matter (again, imho).

[dpen6]

I agree with epenn...late to find out but to young to process in any sort of rational way. HECK...I have heard of people much older finding out and not dealing it with it well. Its is huge!

She may react in a couple of ways....one, want to run and hide. 2, become very angry and act out(it may be the only way she knows how to deal with it. She may be to youg to have any way of verbalizing whatshe is feeling soshe may just lash out...at you...at her parents....and 3 she may be angry yetwant to meet you right away. If thats thecase are you ready for her?

[jdox0776]

The hardest aspect of this is that my 13 year old daughter has just realized that the next step would be up to her and she will most probably need time to process before anything happens, she is terrified she will not want to see her. I told her it may take a few weeks or a few years even that is if she decides to reunite with us. I understand this because the shock of finding out, I may be her birthmother but that is it unless she decides otherwise, she has to want to seek a relationship with me/us before it can happen. I am prepared for the questions she will have.

Amom said she wished she had gotten better advice from all the psychiatrists, she went by their advice not to tell her yet. It has only been since she got her a new one and they said it should have been done before now and are encouraging telling her.

[Xdad]

Yikes!
My daughter knew about me from the start, and after a year and a half, is still not ready to meet me. She's 16.
Just when it starts to look good... raspberries!

Every situation is different, so I hope it works out quickly for you. If not, you can drink fake coffee with us while you wait.

[epenn922]

xdad - i'm nodding... just being 16 without the whole adoptee thing is brutal by itself... it will get better....

jxod0776 - sadly even most psychiatrists don't know how to handle this situation... there are some who specialize in adoptee and birthparents issues, but it has been such a secretive society, that most people are very uninformed...

[jdox0776]

Today is supposed to be the day, I am walking on eggshells not knowing what will happen. I am waiting for her call on how it went, as soon as I found out anything I will let you know

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I got the call today that the amom and adad will be telling her she is adopted over the weekend and if she wants to meet us then we will come on Labor Day. Scared, nervous, happy, not sure what to feel. Don't know how she will react, it is her decision what happens next, it may take time for her to get used to it before she meets us. Will she want to see us, will she be angry she wasn't told sooner. She is 15. The amom will still be her mommy always regardless, I will be her birth parent until she says otherwise.

If she didn't know at all she was adopted then the below is what I have to say about it.

I can only say they really, insert dirty word, up.
This child should have always KNOWN she was adopted, they are going to turn her world upside down if she doesn't know. If she didn't know she may not want to know you right now she will need to come to terms with being adopted. Or if she does meet you it will be because she is angry with her parents not a good way to start a reunion.

If this is only that you have called and that is what they are going to tell her then the answer is different.

Good luck with whatever happens.

[jdox0776]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

If she didn't know at all she was adopted then the below is what I have to say about it.

I can only say they really, insert dirty word, up.
This child should have always KNOWN she was adopted, they are going to turn her world upside down if she doesn't know. If she didn't know she may not want to know you right now she will need to come to terms with being adopted. Or if she does meet you it will be because she is angry with her parents not a good way to start a reunion.

If this is only that you have called and that is what they are going to tell her then the answer is different.

Good luck with whatever happens.

I thought about that and figure it is not as simple as telling her and her wanting a joyous reunion. It is a hard thing to find out not only that your parents are not your birthparents then have to deal with the birthparents AND their family. And now the aparents are coming to this realization because in the past weeks when I didn't hear from her she said they were sick. It didn't happen this weekend as I expected.

I wish she had not said anything to me about it until after they had actually told her, so now my daughter and I are left hanging not knowing when the "right time" will come around again, she wanted to tell her over a school break and this one has now passed.

She did send me an email yesterday but said nothing about telling which tells me she is avoiding it. If you are going to open a can worms and get my hopes up about telling her (not reuniting because that will take time) at least be straight up with me. She said she is waiting for the right time but is there ever a right time?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

I thought about that and figure it is not as simple as telling her and her wanting a joyous reunion. It is a hard thing to find out not only that your parents are not your birthparents then have to deal with the birthparents AND their family. And now the aparents are coming to this realization because in the past weeks when I didn't hear from her she said they were sick. It didn't happen this weekend as I expected.

I wish she had not said anything to me about it until after they had actually told her, so now my daughter and I are left hanging not knowing when the "right time" will come around again, she wanted to tell her over a school break and this one has now passed.

She did send me an email yesterday but said nothing about telling which tells me she is avoiding it. If you are going to open a can worms and get my hopes up about telling her (not reuniting because that will take time) at least be straight up with me. She said she is waiting for the right time but is there ever a right time?

I would be best if you could check out a few books in person at a library or book store on reunion if you haven't already. The more prepared for any and all things related to reunion the better it will be for you and your daughter when the time comes. If you find one that tells you about adoptees and their reaction or even how to tell an adoptee I would read it first.

That is what I did, and it did help me logically, helping me understand a great deal.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by jdox0776

She said she is waiting for the right time but is there ever a right time?

I so hear you on this....There will ALWAYS be something standing in the way of the timing being "perfect" if you let it.

I do hope that they tell her soon - for your peace of mind and especially for her own knowledge!!!

Thinking of you as you wait on pins and needles I'm sure!

[loveajax]

Jdox, this is really strange. I'm sorry, but my husband is a 43 year old adoptee and he said he has always known he was adopted. I am having a hard time believing that any psychiatrist in the last 20 years would tell an adoptive parent not to tell his/her child about the adoption. I am sorry that this is happening. So not fair to you, but especially not to your daughter. Hang in there!

[jdox0776]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Jdox, this is really strange. I'm sorry, but my husband is a 43 year old adoptee and he said he has always known he was adopted. I am having a hard time believing that any psychiatrist in the last 20 years would tell an adoptive parent not to tell his/her child about the adoption. I am sorry that this is happening. So not fair to you, but especially not to your daughter. Hang in there!

She said that 3 different psychiatrists advised against it.. She was the one who brought up telling her and now not following thru as she planned really has me spinning in circles. Though reuniting may not be in near future the sooner they tell her the better off she will be. What has me so upset is she talked to my 13 yr old daughter and got her hopes up about them telling her while at the same time explaining to her that it would be her decision when and if a reunion took place. She is absolutely climbing the walls.