[belleinblue1978]

There was a law that was passed in South Dakota requiring doctors to inform women of three things if they were seeking an abortion.

1. That their fetus is a living being.
2. That abortion leads to a higher rate of suicide.
3. That there is already a bond between mother and child even early in pregnancy.

The first one stood, the other two were struck down by a judge as unconstitutional. I have no idea about the abortion and suicide claim. I have a hard time believing it as did Planned Parenthood, who brought the lawsuit. But I digress.

The bothersome part to me is the bonding part. I completely believe that some women do immediately bond, while I am sure that others don’t. It amazes me though that the same people that claim that early in pregnancy a woman is bonded with her child, would then use a denial of that bond to convince her that adoption is good and easy.

How many of us first/birth moms heard that we weren’t bonded so it would be easy? That bonding only happens after the baby is born so hopefully if we don’t see them or know them after birth placement will be simple and trauma free? How often does that still happen with hopeful adoptive parents insisting on being in the hospital and asking questions like “but if she breastfeeds then won’t she bond too much?” What if she holds the baby first? Won’t she bond too much? The list goes on and on.

Then that got me started thinking about fear, because of the huge fear that first/birth moms will bond with their baby. After we place, we fear a lot of things, lots of things. We worry about what we say in letters and on the phone, what we wear to visits, how we act on visits, will we be too caring or not caring enough. The thing is, we can never behave exactly as our child’s adoptive parents may want us to, and for that we can be arbitrarily cut from our child’s life. We talk about this and receive comments from adoptive moms saying that they worry about the same things. Sure, they may worry about those things, but do adoptive moms truly fear that? An adoptive parent in a completely finalized adoption doesn’t ever need to worry about not seeing their child ever again. There is no way that worrying that a first/birth parent may not like your blouse can compare to the fear that an adoptive parent deciding they don’t like something that seems insignificant may lead to the second loss of your child.

I see these double standards being used all over the place. I hear them being used all the time to justify pressure, coercion, and fear mongering. When does all of this stop? When does the twisting of things to gain a means to an end in the adoption world become outrageous rather than supported?

[Janeytwo]

Hey Belle!

It amazes me though that the same people that claim that early in pregnancy a woman is bonded with her child, would then use a denial of that bond to convince her that adoption is good and easy....How many of us first/birth moms heard that we weren’t bonded so it would be easy?

My God! Are agencies still using this line of doo-doo? I thought that crapolio went out with the brutal silence of the Closed Era.

Apparently not. Good grief!!

An adoptive parent in a completely finalized adoption doesn’t ever need to worry about not seeing their child ever again. There is no way that worrying that a first/birth parent may not like your blouse can compare to the fear that an adoptive parent deciding they don’t like something that seems insignificant may lead to the second loss of your child.

(((( Belle )))) I cannot imagine how hard OA must be to negotiate. The fear of loss has got to be an unbelievably difficult burden to shoulder and I have nothing but respect for the women who tread this path.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I see these double standards being used all over the place. I hear them being used all the time to justify pressure, coercion, and fear mongering. When does all of this stop? When does the twisting of things to gain a means to an end in the adoption world become outrageous rather than supported?

It will stop when prospective adoptive parents stop thinking about their need to become parents over what truly is the best interest of the children. Only then when someone is truly able to separate themselves from the equation and look at the bigger picture and base their choices on the bigger picture only.

Double standards are the means to the end...and you will always have them.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

We talk about this and receive comments from adoptive moms saying that they worry about the same things. Sure, they may worry about those things, but do adoptive moms truly fear that? An adoptive parent in a completely finalized adoption doesn’t ever need to worry about not seeing their child ever again. There is no way that worrying that a first/birth parent may not like your blouse can compare to the fear that an adoptive parent deciding they don’t like something that seems insignificant may lead to the second loss of your child.

I DO have fears and worry about the same things but not for me, for my kids.

AJ's birthgrandma won't have anything to do with him because she doesn't like me. That's someone that he won't have in his life because of something that happened 5 years ago and instead of working it out, she'd rather just do away with him because of her ill will towards myself and my husband. (and the thing she's angry about isn't even something WE said, but something her daughter said - but her daughter said it came from us...)

I know it's not the same as the second loss of a child, but for AJ, it will be the second loss of some of his firstfamily connections.

[paigeturner]

Belle,

Interesting thread, thanks for posting it! Can you imagine the uproar in the halls of our capitols if lawmakers suggested such language in an adoption reform bill? The adoption industry spends 1.4 BILLION dollars per year on advertising alone or as I like to say, “trolling for inventory”. Can you imagine how they’d line up to testify if it was required that a woman considering relinquishment of her child be told that adoption leads to a higher rate of suicide and/or the mother has established an incredibly strong bond with her baby and that bond will be forever broken through the act of relinquishment?

I love it that the anti-choicers are so concerned about a woman’s health and mental well-being that they pass a statute on how exactly she should be counseled if she wants an abortion; but do they lobby just as hard to ensure that a woman considering placement of her child have un-biased counseling? I think not. Instead they use us as the face of the anti-choice campaign.

With all due respect Love, this is exactly what Belle is talking about. The falling out you describe can happen in any family regardless of adoption; what Belle is describing is far more insidious and frightening. I read all the time how hopeful adoptive parents walk on eggshells during the matching period, imagine feeling like that for the rest of your life! I read many threads here about adoptive parents contemplating closing an adoption for petty, ridiculous reasons and if I were one of these women navigating an open adoption of my own, I’d be terrified every single time I read something like it.

The thing is, I don’t have any solutions other than to continue listening to others and posting my constantly evolving point-of-view in the hopes that we are learning from each other.

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

It amazes me though that the same people that claim that early in pregnancy a woman is bonded with her child would then use a denial of that bond to convince her that adoption is good and easy. How many of us first/birth moms heard that we weren’t bonded so it would be easy? That bonding only happens after the baby is born so hopefully if we don’t see them or know them after birth placement will be simple and trauma free?

Excellent point Belle. It is a double standard. It fits the pro life agenda by saying that bonding seems to only happen if you’re aborting, not relinquishing. It is ridiculous! Although I am sure some wish the mother / child bond didn't exist when the child is relinquished. But wishing doesn't make it so.

Originally Posted by paigeturner

I read all the time how hopeful adoptive parents walk on eggshells during the matching period, imagine feeling like that for the rest of your life!

Paige, I think this is an excellent comparison!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

With all due respect Love, this is exactly what Belle is talking about. The falling out you describe can happen in any family regardless of adoption; what Belle is describing is far more insidious and frightening. I read all the time how hopeful adoptive parents walk on eggshells during the matching period, imagine feeling like that for the rest of your life! I read many threads here about adoptive parents contemplating closing an adoption for petty, ridiculous reasons and if I were one of these women navigating an open adoption of my own, I’d be terrified every single time I read something like it.

The thing is, I don’t have any solutions other than to continue listening to others and posting my constantly evolving point-of-view in the hopes that we are learning from each other.

Point taken. Just thought I'd try to explain that my fears are for my kids. My point was not that our fears were equal...just that they had nothing to do with me.

[paigeturner]

I get that. As parents the things that hurt our kids hurt us the most! I think that the frustration comes not from posts from positions of empathy and support, but from posts that are more along the way with, "I feel the same way because..."

[belleinblue1978]

Love,

Worrying about that for you children is entirely different than worrying about it for yourself.

For yourself, as an adoptive parent, you really haven't much to lose. I guess that is what I am getting at.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

There was a law that was passed in South Dakota requiring doctors to inform women of three things if they were seeking an abortion.

1. That their fetus is a living being.
2. That abortion leads to a higher rate of suicide.
3. That there is already a bond between mother and child even early in pregnancy.

The first one stood, the other two were struck down by a judge as unconstitutional. I have no idea about the abortion and suicide claim. I have a hard time believing it as did Planned Parenthood, who brought the lawsuit. But I digress.

The bothersome part to me is the bonding part. I completely believe that some women do immediately bond, while I am sure that others don’t. It amazes me though that the same people that claim that early in pregnancy a woman is bonded with her child, would then use a denial of that bond to convince her that adoption is good and easy.

How many of us first/birth moms heard that we weren’t bonded so it would be easy? That bonding only happens after the baby is born so hopefully if we don’t see them or know them after birth placement will be simple and trauma free? How often does that still happen with hopeful adoptive parents insisting on being in the hospital and asking questions like “but if she breastfeeds then won’t she bond too much?” What if she holds the baby first? Won’t she bond too much? The list goes on and on.

Then that got me started thinking about fear, because of the huge fear that first/birth moms will bond with their baby. After we place, we fear a lot of things, lots of things. We worry about what we say in letters and on the phone, what we wear to visits, how we act on visits, will we be too caring or not caring enough. The thing is, we can never behave exactly as our child’s adoptive parents may want us to, and for that we can be arbitrarily cut from our child’s life. We talk about this and receive comments from adoptive moms saying that they worry about the same things. Sure, they may worry about those things, but do adoptive moms truly fear that? An adoptive parent in a completely finalized adoption doesn’t ever need to worry about not seeing their child ever again. There is no way that worrying that a first/birth parent may not like your blouse can compare to the fear that an adoptive parent deciding they don’t like something that seems insignificant may lead to the second loss of your child.

I see these double standards being used all over the place. I hear them being used all the time to justify pressure, coercion, and fear mongering. When does all of this stop? When does the twisting of things to gain a means to an end in the adoption world become outrageous rather than supported?

In 1964 my doctor wasn't going to let me see my son becasue he didn't want me to bond with him. I had wanted my baby and already felt bonded to him..

[jdox0776]

When I was pregnant with my second child I went to a christian based organization that helps with diapers, baby things etc. You have to fill out an application and when they saw I had chosen adoption for my previous child, they tried to back me into a corner, saying it was a sin to bear a child out of wedlock, I wasn't married at the time. I declined any information about adoption because I was keeping my child. They still provided me with help but made sure it was the most uncomfortable time for me sitting there waiting for them to bring me what I needed. Like I was some horrible wretch for not choosing adoption this time.