[greenbottles]

Hello, does anyone else feel like the loss of their child to adoption is like an emotional sore that will not heal?Some days it doesn't hurt too much, while other days it bleeds and weeps...it makes me feel tired to my bones.

[kakuehl]

Greenbottles, I don't know how long it's been for you, the placement of my first born took place almost 37 years ago. I used to liken it to scar tissue: a wound scabs over fairly soon, but the wound still hurts when disturbed. gradually it heals and is less sensitive, but for a long time it's easy to scrape off the top lare of skin so that it seems like the scab lasts forever. Everytime you think it's finally healing you bump it again and the pain starts again. Over time the scar tissue hardens and is prominent but gradually fades. It's always there, but usually it's hard to see. Speaking out of my own experience, living with adoption does get better. There will always be triggers.. birthdays, annniversaries, etc. but life can be lived to the fullest. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

[soprano]

I think Kathy's post is valid, but my experience is not that "clean". I am 31 years since adoption, and 11 years since reunion. I still mourn the adoption experience itself, and the time lost with my daughter. It's often not at anniversaries or birthdays, but at unexpected times when something trivial will set my grief off. I wouldn't say my grieving has gotten better, but more that I've become somewhat "anesthesized" to it... IF it doesn't catch me off-guard.

Hang in there ,

Soprano

[greenbottles]

It's been almost 20 years. Yes it does catch me off guard at times. There'll be an unexpected trigger and will result in sadness. thanks to you both for replyiing and understanding.

[Rylee45]

absolutely!!! I am having my scab ripped off and vinegar poured into it right now and it's been 33 years for me.

By the way Kathy, your description is PERFECT. I just wish I could learn to "live" without my daughter in my life. I haven't learned that yet.

Rylee

[JustPeachy]

It's weird for me. I think the first year after I had my son was by far the most gut-wrenchingly difficult. Then it seemed to get easier to take because I was living my life. It's hard to describe, it's not like I was forgetting him or "over" it, but I wasn't willing to not enjoy life either, so it was more like I was accepting it and putting it in the context of where I was at the time and what I was not ready to handle in terms of raising him and what he was getting and how he was benefitting. His birthdays were always more bittersweet to me. Not overly emotional, but sort of a mix of happiness for him and sadness for the loss. I did get pictures and updates and that helped me to see how he was thriving. These would also stir up more bittersweet feelings. Happiness for him, and much happiness that I actually was able to get these updates, and sadness that I couldn't be in his life. Now it's been harder in terms of him being grown and being in limbo in terms of reuniting. Mid life has brought a lot of it's own issues that have really magnified the extent of the loss for me, and just wanting to reconnect, but at the same time, having so many fears about it, as I'm sure he does, is quite difficult. I don't feel placing my son as a never ending pain that doesn't heal, but more in terms of having had a hard road to walk, having to face some very difficult issues that most women don't have to face where social support is sorely lacking, and trying to reconcile a life-long loss with whatever benefits came of my decision. It's a tough road even in the best of circumstances.

[SuddenlySusan]

....I didn't really fully understand what adoption loss did to my life until I read Ann Fessler's book, "The Girls Who Went Away." I buried the pain....deep....until my son and I found each other.

Reuniting with my son tore open the wound, but also allowed me to heal with real closure this time.....as well as gaining an understanding of the situation as a mature woman, rather than a confused and vulnerable young girl.

Peace,
Susan

[Janeytwo]

Greenbottles Hey there!

It's taken me 3 decades to begin to even deal with the surrender of my son and daughter but the sorrow has always been there. I think it took more emotional energy to tow the party line and "pretend"; to "forget and go on" as it were, than now that I'm beginning to face what I went through.

(((( Greenbottles))))


JustPeachy

I don't feel placing my son as a never ending pain that doesn't heal, but more in terms of having had a hard road to walk, having to face some very difficult issues that most women don't have to face where social support is sorely lacking, and trying to reconcile a life-long loss with whatever benefits came of my decision. It's a tough road even in the best of circumstances.

Well said!!

[LasVegasMom]

There are good days and bad days. I have lived the life of "move on" for so long-27 years-that I find myself retreating and closing down when I have issues too hard to face. The reunion with my son did rip open the wound I had tried very very hard to ignore. I worked through alot of the emotions, but I'm still not where I should be-I still shut down and act like everything is fine when it isn't. Some days i wonder if everything will ever be ok again, because my reunion turned my ordered life on it's head. I agree with Janey, my sorrow has always been there, just under the surface.

[greenbottles]

today is a good day...but my sorrow too is just below the surface. I have recently returned to my home town and this time it has helped me to come to terms with the reality that neither of us would have the great lives that we have now if I had not relinquished her. That's mainly because I was an emotional wreck at the time and I don't think I could have pulled myself out of that mess nor distanced myself from the unhealthy relationship I had with the birth father. As it was it took me 10 years to get some sort of stability in my life. I look at how great my life is now and the wonderful people in it and I know that I wouldn't want to trade what I have for anything...but me and her could still be locked in that negative lifestyle I had 20 years ago...

[kakuehl]

That is a good realization. I think too often we look at our lives now and think, I could have done it... all I had to do was get through the first couple years. In point of fact, we do not have the same lives we would have had if we had not placed our children. It helps to recognize that it wasn't that simple.

[JustPeachy]

That is a good realization. I think too often we look at our lives now and think, I could have done it... all I had to do was get through the first couple years. In point of fact, we do not have the same lives we would have had if we had not placed our children. It helps to recognize that it wasn't that simple.

Yes, this is a very good point. I never really questioned my decision to place my son until I hit midlife. Midlife is typically a time when we reflect on the past decisions, question the road not taken, wonder how things would be if we chose differently, etc. Looking from the perspective of who I am now, I sometimes think "I could have done it" or "I should have at least tried" but when I really think long and hard about how my life truly was in reality, and not in hindsight from my perspective today, I have to say it would have most likely been doing both my son and I a disservice if I kept him. It is a hard pill to swallow, to admit that, and I did see others in my old neighborhood who managed, but I also didn't like the way they were mananging! I also think part of me wanted both choices, to have him and to place him, and I couldn't have it both ways and that is where a lot of my struggle came in.

but me and her could still be locked in that negative lifestyle I had 20 years ago...

That about sums it up for me, too (except I had a boy). Hard as it can be considering all the pain involved, I think it is important to try and see some of the good that came from our decisions.

[cls2445]

We are all great actresses in this role we play! 46 years and it still hurts. I too wished I had been stronger and stood up to my parents but I know that life would not have been good for my dau nor me. I have always felt as I left part of my heart, a piece of my soul behind the day I left the hospital in 1963. Even though we have been in reunion for over 2yrs, the pain is never totally gone.

[greenbottles]

thanks ladies, of course I would do things do differently now...but I am so much older and wiser...for starters I'd have run like mad away from the bfather and never got preggie in the first place but then Bd would not be here and that would be sad too - who would I stalk on Myspace and Facebook? lol I just wish BD and I could be friends...

[Mom_Rose]

It is 30 years for me. I did find my daughter last month, about a week and a half before her birthday. The pain never went away, it just stung a little less on some days.

Now that I have found my daughter, after a 13 year search, all the old pain is back, full blast. Only now, I have new pain with it, the guilt and shame, they are just as worse. My daughter was a secret, something I had to share with everyone in my family. They are supportive, but I know my aunts and cousins are bad mouthing me behind my back. One of my sisters tried to make trouble already, a week after I confirmed she was mine, she insisted that she had a right to have a relationship with her niece, even though I barely knew her yet.

The worse pain has been, wishing for the time I lost when she was not in my life. From the moment I signed the papers, I wished I did not surrender her. I lived such a fantasy in my head when things got bad, imagining what a wonderful life she had, how she would want to know me. I would escape to that world whenever life got hard, and trust me, I had more than my share of pain. I am still learning every day.

I do not think the pain will ever go away, but I think that one day, I will find the joy of having her in my life now will be greater than that pain. That is all I can wish for. So far, our reunion is going fine. I am going very slow and letting her lead the way. I mentioned to her about meeting face to face, we live about 550 miles away from each other, and she is into it. I am as much excited as I am scared. She has been very generous to me with her attention and kindness, but the pain is still there. It seems the nicer she is, the more we connect, the more time I need to nurse my wounds. I dont know if this makes any sense, but I am trying so hard.

I pray that we all find peace and a way to make this pain subside. We have all lost, and if you are like me, I was never allowed to grieve. I was never allowed to even talk about what happened. I was told it would be easier for me. What a crock.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers, even though I do not know you, I know I am not alone in this, and neither are you. Remember that, do not be so hard on yourself. We did nothing wrong. We did what we thought was best for our babies. We cannot change the past, only make the future better.

Good luck and love to all, Rose