[Heartland_Song]

I've heard a lot that Adoptive parents often change the name of the adoptee's, after everything is final, if the Bparents even name their baby in the first place. ( This may or may not be the truth, but it is what I've heard mostly. )

My question is, do you birthparents out there name your babies, even if it does get changed, or even if it doesn't even go on a birth certificate? Do you name them and always consider them by their name YOU gave them, even if it's changed by the A-parents?

I ask because me and my boyfriend have come up with a name, and we're not entirely sure if the A-parents will be changing it, or not ( though I'm sure they'll change the last name, we're expecting that. ) We're mostly just naming her so that in our minds, she has a name "We" gave her. Does anyone else do this?

Thanks in advanced.

( p.s.; if this is in the wrong forum, I apologise. ;] )

[JustPeachy]

Adoptive parents will most likely change the name, though I have heard in some open adoptions, the adoptive parents collaborate with the birthparents on the name. If they like the name, they may consider it, or use it as the child's middle name.

I named my child. I was told by my agency I could name him, and in my mind, I thought that meant whatever name I chose would be his name and it would not be changed. After a few more counseling sessions, it came up that the aparents would change his name, and I was very upset about this as I would have liked for him to have the name I selected. I had to accept that the aparents would want to name him and that was that.

For a very long time, I thought of my son by the name I gave him, and that is how I referred to him to my family and friends. In my correspondence (I had a semi open adoption), I referred to him by the name he was given by his adoptive parents, and over time, I just started thinking of him more and more by that name and it has stuck with me. I actually like the name his parents gave him and I think in some ways it suits him better than the name I picked.

You have every right to name your baby, and can put that name on the original birth certificate. I would also clarify with the potential aparents what they would like to do in terms of naming. Maybe they could incorporate the name you are using somehow.

[jren]

Please let the potential aparents know what name you have chosen BEFORE you get to placement. We walked into a situation (as adoptive parents) where we had not met the birth family and had asked the social worker repeatedly if they had a name picked out. SW didn't say.

Then, on the day of placement, the SW asked us during the meeting what name we chose. After we told them, the birthmom told us what they named him. Everything was such a blur, no clear thinking on my part, I should've stopped right there and had the SW change the paperwork to DS's original name. But we were meeting their extended family, meeting DS for the first time, completing paperwork, etc. The opportunity passed and now DS has a different name (the one we chose).

It's not a bad name, and it does fit him, birthparents like it, etc. But I really wished he had his birth name, which also fits him BTW. His birthmom calls him by his birth name. I don't mind that at all. I just wish we could turn back time! Strangely, his birth name is one we considered and really didn't have a preference between the two. UGH! I do at least have it in his baby book so he knows the name he was given.

For our older DD, the birthparents just wanted the choose the middle name which we were happy with - that she got to have that from her first family.

[BrandyHagz]

We picked her name together and she goes by that name - it's on both her original birth certificate as well as the amended birth certificate she now has, listing her adoptive parents as her parents.

If it's important to you (and you have every right to have things that are important to you respected) then bring it up.

People have their 'ideal child' in mind when adopting - they get to make decisions about certain things (sex, race and even some other stuff in some instances) - and the name might be important to them as well.

If you get to a point where you feel strongly about a name and they feel strongly about another name - you then have to decide if the name is important enough to you (again, your right) to find other parents or if you're willing to 'give'.

Have you talked about the kind of post-placement contact you'll be having?

Have you guys spelled out the terms of any post-placement relationship?

Now is also a good time to find out if you're all on the same page regarding that matter as well. Sometimes, everything meshes and it works perfect and sometimes, the circumstances of the post-adoption contact don't match up and you're then faced with finding another match that more closely resembles your desires for future contact…or worse, you end up thinking your all on the same page, only to discover later, after placement, that things are vastly different. It is much easier to work through those details now than it is to live with them later.

The more you find out now and iron out now, the better things will be going forward. It’s always a good idea for everyone to be reading from the same page, so there isn’t any confusion later on.

You are more than allowed to make a list of your own ‘deal breakers’ – there will be a family out there who is more than willing to enter into a cooperative relationship with you while meeting all of your ‘deal breakers’.

Don’t start the relationship off with a list of regrets – the adoption hasn’t even taken place yet – if it’s not a match, it’s not a match.

Good luck with your pregnancy and your adoption plan going forward.

[CaddoRose]

We are foster parents who are adopting from foster care, but have agreed to an semi-open adoption with the birthMom. It's a sad case all around. We're delighted to have our DD, but her Mom has a lower IQ and can not take care of her. We are changing her name, but keeping her original name as part of her legal name. It's the name her mother gave her and she deserves to have that name as part of her life. We are choosing a first name that makes her a part of our family and our family history. Some people don't really care about names, but for us, names are part of our family history and we are using the name of DH's sister who recently passed away. We aren't changing it to erase who she is. We are changing it to include her in our family like all the other kids.

[quantum]

I wasn't supposed to know the sex of my child. My dad forced me to pick a name that was gender neutral. I never liked that name for my son and never thought of him as that name. I always thought of him as 'the baby I had'.
Now I know him and know the name they chose for him and am happy with that.
Weirdly enough, his middle name is his birth father's first name..

[soprano]

I named my girl and insisted the name go on the original birth certificate [although they misspelled it... and didn't understand why that would upset me so much, since I was giving her up]. I was told by the social worker that they would keep one of her names [I gave her a first and middle name]. But they didn't keep either. I always thought of her by that name, until I was actually reunited with her. Now I think of her as the nickname she goes by, because flesh and blood association is stronger than the fantasy I had all these years...

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Heartland_Song

I've heard a lot that Adoptive parents often change the name of the adoptee's, after everything is final, if the Bparents even name their baby in the first place. ( This may or may not be the truth, but it is what I've heard mostly. )

My question is, do you birthparents out there name your babies, even if it does get changed, or even if it doesn't even go on a birth certificate? Do you name them and always consider them by their name YOU gave them, even if it's changed by the A-parents?

I ask because me and my boyfriend have come up with a name, and we're not entirely sure if the A-parents will be changing it, or not ( though I'm sure they'll change the last name, we're expecting that. ) We're mostly just naming her so that in our minds, she has a name "We" gave her. Does anyone else do this?

Thanks in advanced.

( p.s.; if this is in the wrong forum, I apologise. ;] )

I used to go to a traid support group all the adoptees felt if they weren't named that the birthparent didn't really want them.. They all wanted to know what thier name was.

As for adoptive parents, a few may keep the name the birthmother gives but most will not. The child is theirs they have been waiting a long time usually to have a child. They have a name they want to use just like any new parent.

[sheababy]

Our bmom wanted us to choose the name, she just wanted to know what it was. We would have been happy collaberating with her about it had she asked.

[PackDaddy]

My wife and I had names picked out. We had three, one I liked with a first and middle, one my wife liked with a first and a middle, and one that was just a first and we couldn't think of a middle that fit it. Well as we discussed with the birthmom, she didn't like mine (she knew a dog that had that name), she liked my wife's but she liked the third name the best. She requested we use her middle name as the missing middle name and it fit perfectly with the first name. So that's what we all went with. So in short everyone is different and you should be able to do what you please. There is a lot of trust involved because the a-parents could renig and change it.

The best way to handle it is to ask questions. Have "dealbreakers" in your head but do not present them to the a-parents as dealbreakers because some a-parents are desperate and will agree to anything but then change their minds. Ask questions like "Have you picked out a name?" "Can we choose a name together?" "Are you planning to change her name?" stuff like that.

We were not desperate a-parents but of course we wanted the adoption to work out. One question the b-mom asked me made me question myself. She asked if we planned to adopt any other children. Internally I asked myself, "What does she want to hear?" Does she want this child to have siblings or does she want to know we won't be neglecting this child when we have others. So I ended up just telling the truth, "Right now we would just concentrate on this baby. You never know on the future if something happend and God blesses us with another opportunity then we would see." Same as when she asked if we would ever move. I told her both of our familires were in this area so if we did move we would never go too far but you never know what happens in your career that it might make sense for the good of the family to move. (We moved two years later).

Point being, we were not a desperate couple but had to struggle to make sure we weren't just telling the b-parents what they wanted to hear. So don't present things to the prospective a-parents as deal breakers because they potentially will just tell you what you want to hear. Ask questions in a way not to provide your desire but as informational.

Sorry for the long winded post. Just remember you as the b-mother you hold all the cards now soon the adoptiong the a-parents will hold all the cards. You have the power and you make the choices but you need to make sure the trust is there and the relationships are made so in the future when you have to trust the a-parents you can.

We have a great relationship with our b-parents and their families and it pains me when I read on here how some a-parents have lied and turned away from the b-parents. I pray those are the exceptions. God bless you in this process.

[lahdh4]

I was told that her name could and often is the case, would be changed. So my ex and I had a name for her but we didn't put that on the birth certificate. I have it written down for her for when she is older. She left the hospital as Baby Girl X.
We were to think of a name together but they had a name in mind all ready (personally not one I would pick out but then just my opinion). They chose my first name as her middle name and the agency said that this is something that happens often.

[belleinblue1978]

I named my son, and I think it is important for people with an adoption plan to name thier children.

just a gentle reminder to everyone, no one is a birth/first parent until TPR's are signed, and we are only our children's birth/first parents, we don't belong to their adoptive parents.

[kakuehl]

I didn't know I had the right to name D until after I'd signed the birth certificate. Then hey wouldn't let me add the name I had in my mind. I like the name his parents gave him; I would have named him for his bdad... both his 1/2 brothers have that name so it would have been vERY confusing. (He's said he's glad I didn't name him, lol.)

[dlawson]

I placed my child up for adoption 30 years ago and recently found him last year.
I named him Shawn and his adoptive family named him Evan so now its funny I call him Shawn Evan!!!

[belkins]

I am a natural parent, I cannot call myself a birth mother as there are things in my daughter's adoption that should never have happened. Enough of that though, you should name your child as that child is yours till the paperwork is final if you have great adoptive parents then they will realize that maybe keeping the name you chose either forist or middle name will help your child so much in the bigger picture down the road. It helps a child to know that you chose their name as it shows them you love them and there are many other reasons but at the moment I can't list them all but I do think of my daughter with both the name I gave her and her adopted name. I am just sorry that the parents raising her could not see the big picture.