[Lynn]

Hi.......I'm a birthmom from the 60's. My son and I found each other almost 9 years ago. I have seen him several times over the years, of course I would love to see him more, but I am trying to let him make the decisions about the amount of time we see each other. Anyway, his birthdad was told about my condition, well, lets see now 41 years ago. When I found my son, I wrote a letter telling his birthdad. He chose to ignore me and everything I was saying. At the time I was only really letting him know about finding our son and asking for medical history. Well, the other day I was on classmates and he looked me up. So I responded with a short note asking if he was looking for me. He didn't answer me, but he did read it. So, my question is should I try and contact him again. I would think he would be at least a little curious about his son after 41 years. I know he is married and so am I for many years. It isn't about the two of us, its about our son. I need some advice before I do anything. I would think if he was looking me up, he must want to know something, right??? I don't hold any hard feelings about him. It was a summer thing, or should I say fling !!! As you all know I have lived with this fling my whole life. It would be nice to talk with his birthdad about him. So, let me know how you all feel.
Thanks, Lynn

[quantum]

Hi Lynn,
It's a tricky one!
My son is 24 years old and I found him two years ago. His birthfather also was not quite into the situation, he signed away everything but I don't think he beleived he was the father really! And I've blocked out his last name but that's another story.

I guess maybe I would try to contact him? And be honest as in telling him that you don't have any hard feelings and that you'd like to talk to him. See what happens? I might not be super open about your son at first, just because you don't know how much he's told his family and who's reading over his shoulder!
Just a thought!!

Good luck.

[JustPeachy]

Personally, and this is just my own feeling on it, I would leave any contact with the birthfather up to my child. I just don't have much of a desire to communicate with the birthfather.

Does your son have his birthdad's contact info if he wants to get in touch??

[SuddenlySusan]

I think JustPeachy has a good point about leaving it up to your son to contact his natural father.

I found my son's ndad and provided the information to my son. My son, however, felt more comfortable with having me make the first contact, which I did. It was a bit awkward at first. After I surrendered our son, the ndad and I met and I told him how things went while I was "away." Sometime after that, the ndad had been told by someone (I have no idea who) that our son had died as an infant. So, he was shocked to know that his son was alive and well...36 years later.

After talking with the ndad, my husband and I took a trip and met with him in person. I had no idea what he was like after decades had passed, and I suppose I was being a little protective of our son, so I wanted to check things out for myself. After meeting with the ndad, I provided contact information to both him and our son, and suggested that ndad be the one to write first.

I have stayed out of their relationship since then, although I do remain in contact with the ndad. The ndad and I had been engaged when I got pregnant, and he backed out. That was decades ago, however, and we were both only 18. I had a few issues to resolve regarding the ndad when I reunited with my son, but essentially I forgave the ndad long ago, and do not harbor any resentment towards him at all.

This is how it worked out for me, and each of our journeys are different. If contact information is shared among the three of you, you will have done what you can, for now anyway. It just may take some time for the ndad to come around. If your son tires of waiting, he can contact ndad himself.

I wish you all the best in your journey,
Susan

NOTE: I just wanted to add...in the beginning, my son was not highly motivated to be in contact with ndad... I was the one who was nudging him to be open to contact with ndad.

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Personally, and this is just my own feeling on it, I would leave any contact with the birthfather up to my child. I just don't have much of a desire to communicate with the birthfather.

Does your son have his birthdad's contact info if he wants to get in touch??

[Jillalan]

Hi Lynn,

Congratulations on being reunited with your son.

Since the bfather doesn't have the common decency to respond to you, why would you want to continue to try and contact him?

Give your son the information (if he wants it) and if he wishes to pursue then fine, otherwise let the summer fling remain what it was.

If bfather wants to contact you he knows how. From the sound of it, he may have looked you up on classmates, but only out of curiosity, not the desire to contact or get to know your son.

[Lynn]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I did give my son the information I had about his father. I know he hasn't done anything about contacting him. I think I figured maybe I could get the medical history stuff that I asked for 8 years ago, if he was finally going to maybe get in touch with me now. We have not had contact for 42 years. I don't really want to send my son's information to his father unless I ask him and he agrees. I don't have that much contact myself with him. I don't know, I guess I will think on it a little longer before I do anything. Thank you all again.
Hugs,
Lynn

[my2sons]

i just found my birthson, or should I say he found me and we have a great relationship, I left the choice up to him if he wanted to meet his birth father, who I have been in contact with for many years, My son although scared to death, does want to meet him. I believe their is a bigger bond between birthmothers and their child that can never be replaced by the father, Does the father have rights??? I say he helped to create the child and the child needs to decide if he has rights or not

[soprano]

Hi Lynn,

I can only tell you my experience. My daughter and I reunited 11 years ago. A couple of months after the ititial contact, she asked me about the possibility of contacting her birth father. I told her I would attempt to hunt him down... and I did find him. He talked to her and raised her hopes of continuing communication... and then nothing. He broke her heart [as I secretly feared he would]. But she needed to experience that for herself. Nothing I could have said beforehand would have discouraged her. She found out his true nature on her own.

Our instincts tell us to protect our children. But some things they have to learn for themselves. Just be as supportive as you can through the positive (or negative) results.

All the best,

Soprano

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Hi.......I'm a birthmom from the 60's. My son and I found each other almost 9 years ago. I have seen him several times over the years, of course I would love to see him more, but I am trying to let him make the decisions about the amount of time we see each other. Anyway, his birthdad was told about my condition, well, lets see now 41 years ago. When I found my son, I wrote a letter telling his birthdad. He chose to ignore me and everything I was saying. At the time I was only really letting him know about finding our son and asking for medical history. Well, the other day I was on classmates and he looked me up. So I responded with a short note asking if he was looking for me. He didn't answer me, but he did read it. So, my question is should I try and contact him again. I would think he would be at least a little curious about his son after 41 years. I know he is married and so am I for many years. It isn't about the two of us, its about our son. I need some advice before I do anything. I would think if he was looking me up, he must want to know something, right??? I don't hold any hard feelings about him. It was a summer thing, or should I say fling !!! As you all know I have lived with this fling my whole life. It would be nice to talk with his birthdad about him. So, let me know how you all feel.
Thanks, Lynn

I would let it go. I found my, for lack of a better word, boyfriend from 1963 the father of my son. He didn't even try. I set them up with a visit, would call when son came to town, nothing. Of course finding the bdad almost ruined my marriage, all that unfinished business from when I was in love at 15.
The bdad was also the only person alive now from that time the only person who knew and understood what I might be going through. In the end, he wanted me more then he wanted to get to know our son. That was 12 years ago.

LOL Just a tale that can happen, all that pain from the closed system, the not knowning, the lose and never being able to talk about. All those very powerful emotions.