[dklevy]

Over the years I have bumped into SE's father a few times. Just that quick "hi how are you still alive? K see ya 'round" kinda thing. When I tracked down SE's address and decided to send a letter directly to her parents, I included bdad's myspace site, the only contact info I had. Then 3 days ago I get a request from his wife on myspace and from him on facebook. I was so shocked and nervous too, but I accepted right away. It's such a weird mix of emotions. [Like everything seems to be when it comes to adoption.]

Little background.... bdad was a rebound relationship. I was 20, already a mom, and going through a divorce from a then abusive partner. My cousin set me up and all I wanted was to not hurt. Couple months into it I was pregnant. Wake up call! Bdad was NOT who I wanted to spend my life with but he was all for jsut getting married. He was against the adoption and tried to talk me out of it but didn't try to stop it. He was by no means a bad guy. Just not the right guy for me. He never got to see SE. I don't think he ever got any pictures either.

Back to present... His wife hasn't sent any messages or anything yet. I have sent him a few massages back and forth. He asked me to post pictures of SE. I already had some up in a private album. He was thrilled. Then he asked to have their address because the agency won't help him either. I gave it to him but I am scared that they might get mad at me for doing so. I never got a reply from the one I sent them and don't know how they feel about me finding them. But bdad has med history to give. His dad just died and I didn't have any of his history to give her parents. I really hope they understand.

Bdad wants to meet up to see all of the pictures I've gotten before her parents stopped communication. I offered, but I am very nervous about it. My husband doesn't seem to like that we are talking. He views my having had someone elses baby badly sometimes even though he has 2 kids with his exwife. It's strange and I've talked to him about it but talking doesn't always change feelings. I don't feel guilty about placing SE, but I do often feel guilty about allowing myself to get into the position to have to make the decision.I know my choice hurt bdad. It certianly hurt me and my family. I'm hoping SE will be well adjusted but I don't know without hearing from her parents.

I know I've opened up a can of worms. Can't stop any of it now. I don't really want to but it scares me all the same. Just gotta sit back, ride it out and keep doing what I feel is best.

Thanks for listening!

[quantum]

Hiya!

One thing that struck me while reading your post was that maybe the direct approach with your husband wouldn't be such a bad idea? Saying 'I get the feeling me talking to SE's birthdad is bugging you, is it?' And just kind of talk it out between you two. Maybe he just needs some reassurance, you say so clearly here how you realised that bdad was NOT a man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and obviously, your DH is...maybe he just needs to hear it? That might help on that front. :-)


Hang in there! Hope your ride is smooth.

[dklevy]

I went with letting him read this post over my shoulder - almost another fight about how having a four month relationship in which marriage was discussed is the same or very close to a 6 year marriage resulting in 2 kids.... Hopefully discussing the bdad issue will go smoother....

[geogdeb]

Meeting my son's bdad again (after 26 years) was really weird. He had married a friend of mine and told her about the adoption. They were both interested in information, but did not push to have relationship with our bson, mainly because my bson wasn't really ready for that relationship at that time. I guess he still isn't.

Anyway, it is weird. It helps that my DH is very supportive. But I haven't seen him since the first few months of the reunion.

Hope everything works out for you.

Deb

[dklevy]

Bdad came over last sat and it was difficult. So many mixed emotions and a reminder of why he wasn't for me. He was very polite and respectful and considerate, but so not my type. My husband left to go fishing the whole time. He said he didn't want to react wrong or be looking over our shoulders when bdad was there. Was probably best.

Anyway, I gave him one of her birth certificates and let him look through all her photos. He now has some on his computer that I scanned for him. He will be sending her parents a letter. That presents the next stage of worrying. Will they be mad that I gave him the address? Of maybe it will spark a response, good or bad? I kept bdad from knowing about her birth right away, I can't keep this from him now.

[kakuehl]

Have you sent a note to aparents letting them know bdad has the info and definitely has medical info to share? I would think just letting them know "here I am if/when you are open to a relationship or need info, etc." would be helpful. (But I'm a bmom so what do I know, lol.)

Like you, I did not want to marry D's bdad. I didn't even tell him about D until after D was born and by that time he was married to someone else. We pretty much kept in touch his whole life. (He died of cancer in 2000.) Since we were all in college together my DH knew him too. (Ironically, my DH was a friend of Bdad's first wife.) I only wish he had lived long enough to meet D.

[dklevy]

No I haven't let them know that bdad has the info. I never heard from them and promised not to write again since they weren't the ones who gave me their address - I found it through an internet search. I read the letter he is sending. It's very respectful and not at all imposing.

I find it hard to put myself in their shoes so I don't always know what to do. I could never see myself stopping all contact with a child's parents. But at the same time it may be SE's actions that brought it about. I know it will all become clear someday. Just wish someday was now.

[susieloo]

wow sometimes the similarity in stories amazes me. I too did not want to marry the bdad. I could not give him the love he lavished on me...I found it so hard to part with him in such a vulnerable position, but knew I just had to. I was having nightmares about being pushed up the aisle etc!!!!!
Fast forward 29yrs...I ended up having to sit with him at an international Sports event in which our bdaughter was playing.
I found it very hard...his feelings for me still rather overt!!!
you know dklevy...i think reunion is hard enoughwith out having to worry to much about bdads relationship. Look after you and your relationship first. Things seem to get so complicated, emotions fly, and who wants that.
Take care
Susie

[RavenSong]

Darci, it's a little hard to respond without more info. I see by your tagline that the daughter you relinquished is about 11 years old, right? Was this a closed adoption to begin with, or was it an open adoption that was closed later? If it was an OA, do you have any idea why your daughter's parents closed it down? I'm just asking in order to get a better view of things. It's worrisome to me that they're not responding to your letter.

If the birth father has medical history to pass along, I think it's important to tell them. I would imagine that they'd appreciate the updated medical history...but, heck, I could be wrong. It's hard to say without knowing anymore than we do about your particular situation.

[dklevy]

Here's some background Ravensong. Brief but maybe it'll help:

SE turned 11 on St Patty'd day. It was a semi open adoption. What was actually written in the agreement was pictures and letters for the first 5 years. Her mom gave me more than I ever would have imagined and gave details of their entire family. She spoke of coming down and mailing videos and opening up the adoption. They gave SE the gifts we sent and she spoke of not ending after the 5 year mark. But all communication from them stopped. I have gotten a solid brick wall from the agency. So has bdad. My gut says her dad wanted it to end and that the agency just doesn't want to deal with us anymore. Haven't given up on some sort of response eventually.

Susieloo, that's part of why I'm glad I had a "reunion" with bdad before SE. Maybe it'll make events with her less akward later on? I can hope, right? I am definately glad to know that bdad is married. If he wasn't, I know that would be a whole other issue to face with my husband!

[susieloo]

my hubby has been fantastic through all of this. But did have to reiterate my lack of romantic feelings for the birthfather a few times. He gets it now.
Oh there is so much that has gone on with all of this...maybe another time.
Take care
Susie