[Jason18]

First, hi everyone, my name is Jason and Im trying desperately to make the best decision for my daughter-to-be. We are expecting to have the baby around the end of august, beginning of september (drs say one thing, my girlfriends body says another) and up until recently thought that adoption was very much a good (not easy) choice. As much as my girlfriend and I have tried to distant ourselves from the kicking little critter in her belly, we are both finding ourselves growing fond of her, and recently it occurred to me that I love her (the baby). Im trying to keep this as short as possible, theres just so much..... We decided to go with an open adoption, giving the baby to her aunt and uncle. However, now that the lawyers involved (and Ive read some bad things about him) and the adoptive parents arent open to what we'd like (we dont want the baby to know we're the birthparents, but want to be in her life- and want to be godparents), we arent so sure this is the best bet. With the adoptive parents, shed be in a more financially stable environment, while my girlfriend and I still have a bit of school left. Also, before I give you nice folk a respite, my side of the family instead of being supportive to at least my feelings, seem to be very concerned with how theyre lives will be effected and how they are in mourning for their loss. Are they off base for lambasting me with this, or am I being insensitive for being more concerned with whats best for the baby and my girlfriend?

Thank you
Jason

[JustPeachy]

Jason18, welcome to the boards! First of all, let me say I think it's great that you are so supportive of your gf and taking an active role in deciding what is best for you, her and your daughter-to-be. So many of us did not have the support from the fathers of our children and were instead left to deal with everything on our own.

we dont want the baby to know we're the birthparents, but want to be in her life- and want to be godparents

I'm curious as to why you would not want the baby to know you are her birthparents. I think secrets like this are not healthy, and have a way of coming to the surface eventually anyway. And if your attorney and potential adoptive parents are against this, I think it is with good reason. Years ago, adoption was practiced this way, when secrecy and lies were the order of the day. Now, I don't know anyone who consideres it to be in the child's best interest to hide or lie about who the birthparents are, or to pretend that the adoptive parents gave birth to the child. I would honestly reconsider your approach here. I could be mistaken, but I really don't think you will find ethical people in this day and age who will agree to do an adoption this way. Unethical, yes, but you wouldn't want that for your baby!

As for what you ultimately decide to do (i.e. parent or place your child for adoption), I think it needs to be your decision. I know it is difficult to get input from extended family on what they feel is best, but ultimately it is between you and your girlfriend and what the two of you, as parents of this child, feel is in her best interest. Only you know what you can handle in terms of parenting her. I would, however, explore parenting, explore ALL your options, and know what sources of support are available should you decide to parent your child. You and/or your girlfriend may be dead set on adoption but after your child is born, you may have a change of heart and decide to raise her. That is perfectly OK to change your mind! In fact, I would explore both options simultaneously, and not necessarily make a firm decision one way or another before birth, because you will need to re-visit your decision after you see your baby and hold her. You're feelings may very well change and you want to be in a position where you know what kind of support you will have in place if you choose to parent.

Are you receiving any sort of counseling right now? It would be helpful if both you and your gf got some unbiased counseling to help you with your decision and also with how to handle other family members. I believe whatever you decide, it should be your decision, as you have to live with it. If you are pressured by others either way (to parent or to place) that is not a good thing.

[quantum]

Hi Jason!
What you guys need to focus on is yourselves and your child. That's it.
Peachy has some great advice, looking into different options, not making any final decisions...allow yourselves this, because it's the best thing you can do!

One thing to bear in mind is that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Sure, you're in school now, but if you have help available, you can finish school, go on to college, give your daughter everything she needs and more. Love is very important and it sure sounds like you've got that!

Another thing to bear in mind is that it can be tricky with adoption agreements. They are not legally enforcable in most states. I've heard nightmare stories about in-family adoptions that have become closed. I'm not saying that's the situation with you guys, but it's something to think about.

As to your parents...I relinquished my son 24 years ago, found him two years ago. They STILL make it about themselves! It may seem harsh, but their stuff is their stuff and THEY have to get beyond it, you need to do what's right for you.

Keep us informed! I wish you all the best.

[geogdeb]

Originally Posted by quantum

Hi Jason!
What you guys need to focus on is yourselves and your child. That's it.
Peachy has some great advice, looking into different options, not making any final decisions...allow yourselves this, because it's the best thing you can do!

One thing to bear in mind is that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Sure, you're in school now, but if you have help available, you can finish school, go on to college, give your daughter everything she needs and more. Love is very important and it sure sounds like you've got that!

Another thing to bear in mind is that it can be tricky with adoption agreements. They are not legally enforcable in most states. I've heard nightmare stories about in-family adoptions that have become closed. I'm not saying that's the situation with you guys, but it's something to think about.

As to your parents...I relinquished my son 24 years ago, found him two years ago. They STILL make it about themselves! It may seem harsh, but their stuff is their stuff and THEY have to get beyond it, you need to do what's right for you.

Keep us informed! I wish you all the best.

The quote in red is so important! Recovering from adoption is so hard... really, I don't think it is possible to recover. Think about this. When your DD is 5, you will be 5 years older and in a much better place financially to give her what she needs to start school! If you do choose adoption, please don't try and keep your ID secret. Secrets hurt.

I also think it is great you are taking such an interest and are researching what is best for you, your girlfriend and the baby. Please keep us informed.

[uzerlain]

Hey Jason, first of all you should not be feeling bad about how your family is reacting to all of this. No matter how hard it is on them it's always going to be harder on you and if they are trying to make you feel guilty because you aren't choosing what they want then they don't understand this decision at all. If you and your girlfriend choose based on what your parents tell you to do you will ultimately regret it. Secondly, if the birthparents are from this moment not agreeing to the terms that you want you need to ask yourself what is more important to you. Is it more important that your child have this supportive family or is it more important that the adoptive family follows what you would like to happen. Also if you decide that your terms are more important and you choose to adopt to another family keep in mind that the family will likely come to a point where they will stop caring about your terms and stop following the "open adoption" rules they originally set with you. Ultimately if you're not ready to parent I believe adoption is the best of the decisions although that doesn't mean it's an easy one. Honestly it sucks. It sucks worse than anything you will ever go through. I think the reason it sucks so much is because ultimately choosing adoption is choosing to be a parent. What I mean by that is that when parents become parents they are choosing to put this child before themselves in everything they do. When you choose adoption you are choosing to put the child's well being before your own emotions. It's the most difficult thing in the world and you need to be ready for it if it's the decision for you.

[kakuehl]

Jason,

You and your girlfriend need to decide what's best for you and your child. I chose to place the son born my senior year in college for many of the reasons you listed. My parents were married in his senior year of college and I was born the next year when he was doing postgrad work. He went on to med school the next year. They lived on borrowed money and Mom was pregnant with number four when he graduated. (I don't recommend the rhythm method of birth control!) I tell this story to say that it is possible to keep the child and do well NOT to say it's the decision you should make!

As the others have said, choosing adoption is a decision that will effect you for your entire lifetime. Thirty-seven years after I placed D for adoption, I still believe it was the right decision. Mine of course was a closed adoption and I can't even contemplate the landmines of a relative, open adoption.

Keep us posted! This is a great place for support.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jason18

First, hi everyone, my name is Jason and Im trying desperately to make the best decision for my daughter-to-be. We are expecting to have the baby around the end of august, beginning of september (drs say one thing, my girlfriends body says another) and up until recently thought that adoption was very much a good (not easy) choice. As much as my girlfriend and I have tried to distant ourselves from the kicking little critter in her belly, we are both finding ourselves growing fond of her, and recently it occurred to me that I love her (the baby). Im trying to keep this as short as possible, theres just so much..... We decided to go with an open adoption, giving the baby to her aunt and uncle. However, now that the lawyers involved (and Ive read some bad things about him) and the adoptive parents arent open to what we'd like (we dont want the baby to know we're the birthparents, but want to be in her life- and want to be godparents), we arent so sure this is the best bet. With the adoptive parents, shed be in a more financially stable environment, while my girlfriend and I still have a bit of school left. Also, before I give you nice folk a respite, my side of the family instead of being supportive to at least my feelings, seem to be very concerned with how theyre lives will be effected and how they are in mourning for their loss. Are they off base for lambasting me with this, or am I being insensitive for being more concerned with whats best for the baby and my girlfriend?

Thank you
Jason

It is your child if you want to keep the baby do it, you can figure out a way.

Adoptive parents do not have to keep you in their lives, they will if they feel comfortable with an open adoption.
Many do and do it well.

Legally there is no way to enforce an open adoption even with it being legal.

If you are not comfortable with that lawyer, GET OUT NOW. Go to an agency quickly.

I married at 17, I don't recommend it, but it can work.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by geogdeb

The quote in red is so important! Recovering from adoption is so hard... really, I don't think it is possible to recover. Think about this. When your DD is 5, you will be 5 years older and in a much better place financially to give her what she needs to start school! If you do choose adoption, please don't try and keep your ID secret. Secrets hurt.

I also think it is great you are taking such an interest and are researching what is best for you, your girlfriend and the baby. Please keep us informed.

exactly, you get older each day and life can improve each day..