[geogdeb]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted as much here as I did a few months ago. I think we often get to a place in - at whatever point in the "adoption process" we are - where we aren't as obsessed or as needy as before. Or maybe just aren't as needy as we are sometimes. For those of you who don't know me, I relinquished almost 30 years ago and have been in reunion for over 3 years. It has been a good reunion - I have been lucky. My son is great. He lives several states away and we don't get to see each other much, but we do talk often. He isn't very emotional about the adoption (unlike me) and treats me like a good friend. He is a very enjoyable person.

I used to be on this site almost everyday. The emotional roller coaster of search and reunion made this site and the friends I made here invaluable - thanks for that. I would like to say that I have dealt with most of my issues "moved on," but I don't think that is possible even in the best of cases. For example, I had a dream last night that my favorite niece had a baby and was going to relinquish without even seeing the baby (like I did). In the dream I was at the hospital begging her to take the baby home and at least try to parent, or at least take some time to bond with the baby before she relinquished. In the dream I was so upset at how she would feel and the grief she would suffer that it was almost unbearable. Thankfully the dream actually ended well in that she changed her mind, but I woke up feeling that never ending grief and loss most of us are familiar with. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO FEEL THAT WAY let alone someone I love like my niece (who is not pregnant by the way). I have been teary all day. I just have to think about adoption for a minute and it sets me off again.

I know loss. I not only lost my firstborn to adoption, but my last born to SIDS. I thought I had dealt with both losses well. I think of myself as a reasonably well-adjusted happy person. But here it is 30 years later and I still can't deal with the loss of my firstborn. When I talk to him or think about him I always wonder what it would've been like to raise him - to hold and love him as a baby - to watch him on his first day of school, etc.

Anyway, it has just been a hard day. I am glad he didn't call me today. I don't know that I could've talked to him without being emotional and I don't think he would have been comfortable with that.

Thanks for "listening"! It is so nice to be able to come back here and know there are others who understand.

Deb

[quantum]

((((Deb)))))
I know what you mean. For me, things are going ok, but maybe we aren't really talking so much, so it's like I try to stop thinking about him (as if), and then I'll get hit with one of those waves of sadness or regret?

I'm glad you still feel good about coming here. It's nice to hear from you!

[Janeytwo]

((( Deb )))

Just echoing what Quantum said.

Thanks for having the courage to share with us. Sometimes, for me, it's even hard to share my sorrow than it is to acknowledge it.

I too am glad your reunion with your son has gone so well!!

[geogdeb]

Thanks Quantam and Janey,

I am feeling better today - which is good. I don't think DH could take two days in a row.

I appreciate the support.

Deb

[JustPeachy]

I think what is hard is that with grief, it can ebb and flow. And we can be alright for a while, and then something stirrs us up (like that dream you had) and all of a sudden those old feelings come rushing back. It's not that we haven't healed or "moved on" but that it's being revisited for whatever reason. It is probably best to allow yourself to just go through that grief process, because the alternative would be to bottle it all up and that is definitely not good.

I think, too we can drive ourselves crazy with all the "what ifs" and "what would it have been like if...." What if I had kept my son and tried to raise him, what would it have been like to see him as a youngster and guide his growth, etc. We cannot know for sure. We can only imagine, but those thoughts can also make us crazy. I try to put my mind on other things or focus on the present otherwise I'll just be spinning these scenarios in my head over and over again. It can be terribly draining.

[quantum]

Sometimes I get so angry because THIS is the stuff they conveniently don't mention when we are talking about relinquishment. THIS is the stuff that I hope that counseling immediately after relinquishment could have helped with.

For me, it's not so much about missing the things I've missed, it's more about mourning the fact that I will never have the relationship with him that I would have if I hadn't missed out on that stuff.
If that makes sense.

I'm glad you're doing better today Deb. Allow yourself to have the sad days though.

[geogdeb]

You are so right Quantam. I think grief gets worse if you don't deal with it in a timely manner. I had NO counseling after the adoption as I am sure is common with most of you.

Thanks again for the support from all of you. It really helps.

Deb

[kakuehl]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Can you think of a trigger? (birthday, day you signed the papers, etc)

[Janeytwo]

JustPeachy

we can drive ourselves crazy with all the "what ifs" and "what would it have been like if...."

I had told Kathy I think it was that - to be a birthmother - is to understand the true meaning of "regret".

Not that other people don't also of course. I imagine that everyone has regrets. Except sociopaths maybe but then I wouldn't want to be one of them.

Regret is a powerful thing. The angst over what might have been, coupled with the despair of what wasn't.

[JustPeachy]

Sometimes I get so angry because THIS is the stuff they conveniently don't mention when we are talking about relinquishment. THIS is the stuff that I hope that counseling immediately after relinquishment could have helped with.

I think in my case, even if someone would have told me, I would have said "oh, I won't feel that way." It's hard to imagine that you will feel a certain way until you've gone through something. You can receive counseling like I did, and it did help tremendously, but none of my counselors were actually birthmoms, so I don't think most of them are/were even AWARE of many of the issues and nuances of those issues that we experience.

Here's a similar example from my experience: Even when I heard other birthmoms in a support group talk about the roller coaster of reunion, I kept thinking, "Oh, I don't think it can be THAT crazy! I know myself really well, I have my head together really good, I'll get counseling if need be, it won't be that way between me and my son, etc." Then WHAMMO. I'm not even IN reunion, but when I got identifying info from my son, the floodgates of emotion opened up and I was a banana for awhile (and not in a "happy dance" way). So many people had said it would be that way and I "pooh-poohed" it. So I do think no matter what, unless and until we ourselves actually experience something firsthand, we can't always be convinced it will be that way for us. At least that's how it worked for me. And in my case, I was so set on adoption, I don't know if anything anyone could have said would have made an impact in terms of changing my mind. But I'm one of those birthmoms who probably wouldn't make a different choice if I could go back in time and was under the same circumstances.

[quantum]

I know what you mean JP, I can look back and be angry over the counseling and so on, but it probably wouldn't have changed a thing. Although I do remember asking my parents if I could get some couseling just to help me get through my grief (denied). I definately think it would have been better than how I felt and how I dealt.

And, just as you said JP, the reality of everything seemed to come out of nowhere even though everyone here had been talking about it! Freaky.

[RavenSong]

I suspect that the grief we feel as birth/first mothers will come and go for the rest of our lives. I know that that's true for me. I didn't receive any counseling at all either before or after I surrendered my son. But I did obtain extensive therapy years later. (However, there were no psychotherapists at the time who dealt with adoption-related issues.) I've done all the grief work, and for the most part, the grief is gone...except it does come back full-force at times when I least expect it. It'll only last for a few hours or a few days, and as long as I don't fight it, the grief pretty much resolves itself. But I do have to let myself feel it and go thru it to get to the other side.

I was really surprised a few days ago when I got triggered by a thread. Last week, I posted about what happened the day I surrendered my baby. I was fine after I posted, but a few days later, I suddenly felt this intense wave of sadness and grief wash over me. When I shut my eyes, I saw myself in my mother's house the afternoon after I signed the papers, sitting there all alone. And I realized then that the grief had been triggered by writing about my experience a few days before. After a few hours, I was fine...but I don't think that sadness will ever truly go away. I think it'll probably resurface from time to time...

[geogdeb]

I don't know if anything triggered that "bad day" except the dream I had. But it seems like I prepare myself for days I think will be bad.

Anyway, I also think that if I were to go back to the same circumstances, I too would still have surrendered. However, I was very much a victim of those circumstances. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was not really given any other viable choices. I was sent to a church run foster home 3 months before I delivered so I could hide my pregnancy. Did I go kicking and screaming? No! I thought I was doing what was right to protect my family and myself. But I was separated from my family and my boyfriend. I did not receive "counseling" until I got there. The "counseling" consisted of 30 minute sessions once a week with a psychologist who told me that I could not be a good mother and that my baby deserved a mother and a father who were married and in good standing with "the church." We NEVER discussed the possibility of me keeping the baby. I was not allowed to hold my baby until I left the hospital and only then for a few minutes at the agency before I signed the papers. Etc., etc. My story has been told by many women here time and time again. My point is that the circumstances were not in my favor - and in my opinion not necessarily in favor of my son. My regret is that the circumstances were not different. Maybe if circumstances were different - if I had KNOWN just a little bit about the so-called "choice" I was making - I wouldn't have so many regrets.

Today is the birthday of the son I lost to SIDS 22 years ago. It hurts. I really can't even think about his death it was so traumatic. But I also know that I could not have done anything to change what happened. And although the loss was/is horrific and I will never really get over it, I have grieved. I can't think of anything that anyone could've done to change what happened. I think that helps me come to terms with his loss. I miss him and what might have been. But the loss due to adoption has not been properly dealt with and I don't know if it ever will. In many ways they are tied up with each other. The day my son died, I remember thinking how unfair it was that I had to suffer the loss of two babies. I am sure each loss exacerbates the other.

It is hard to explain... as most of you have already said - you have to be a birthmother to "get it," although I am sure many have the emotional capacity to empathize and offer sympathy and understanding. Thanks for that!

Deb